Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 11th, 2014

There are three common reasons for saying no to your child.   One, he wants to do something you deem unsafe. Two, he wants to do something you consider unhealthy. Three, he wants to do something you think is unnecessary.   Once you’ve said no, how often do you change your mind? If you never change your mind if there is a safety or health concern, why do you ever change your mind about anything you said no to?  I never change …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 20th, 2014

It’s hard to believe it was that long ago. I recall that it was a very pleasant day in May of 1978. A mom came to me concerned about her daughter who was very frightened of a monster in her room when she went to bed at night. The mom told me that she would go into her daughter’s room, turn on the light, and look under the bed together with her daughter to reassure her that there was no monster there. But it wouldn’t take very lo …
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Author: Letters From Your Child

May 12th, 2014

Osios machkimos, written words make us smarter.   Helping your child become smarter at expressing himself when he is upset is one of the most valuable investments of your time. And the most effective form of expression is the written word… even for toddlers.   Sound strange? It did to author Heather Shumaker, too. She wrote, “I admit it. At first it does feel mighty odd to reach for a pen and paper when your child is scream …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 5th, 2014

If you count and check off every day and bring me your completed sefirah chart you’ll get a piece of cheesecake on Shavuos! That is a chart that works. Dovid and Yael wanted to figure out why the charts they made for their daughter Baila didn’t. Dovid and I decided we wanted Baila to stop being chutzpadik towards us. We made a chart and told Baila that we would put on a star each day that she was not chutzpadik. We told Baila that whe …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 5th, 2014

Parents spend a lot of time preparing their home for Pesach. I hope you will also spend time preparing your children for Pesach.   How do you pique your child’s interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what it’s like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you don’t want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what that’s like. Then ask him what it’s lik …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 28th, 2014

Last week I told you a story. It took place on a Friday night, and was repeated on many Friday nights. Here’s the part where dad got involved:   Shloime started to sing Shalom Aleichem in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn’t, so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine. Mom went to get napkins while fighting back tears. Dad said, “ …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 20th, 2014

As Pesach approaches, I am reminded of the perhaps apocryphal but nonetheless amusing story of the knighting ceremony for Sir Moses Montefiore. When Queen Victoria touched the sword to his shoulder and dubbed him “Sir Moses,” the expected Latin response escaped his mind. Panic stricken, he blurted out, mah nishtana ha-layla hazeh mikol ha-lailos. The puzzled Queen turned to her aide and asked, “Why is this knight different from …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 13th, 2014

The following story appeared in the Jewish Observer many years ago. It is still timely. One day a Menahel took notice of a young boy's uncharacteristic mood. Normally possessed of a bright disposition, a period of days went by during which he seemed morose. He called the boy into his office and asked him if anything was bothering him. The boy began to cry and explained that he was carrying a heavy burden in his, heart. He said, "I know that I'm a …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

March 9th, 2014

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen. Winston Churchill It takes courage to be a parent; both the courage to speak to your children and the courage to listen to them. What can make it difficult to speak to your child, why would it require courage? Here is a profile in parenting that illustrates how this can happen. Whenever I ask my four-year-old to clear his plate and napkin from th …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 20th, 2014

The following article by Rav Mordechai Kamenetzky, Rosh Yeshiva of the Yeshiva of South Shore, is reprinted by permission. I received this article from my son, Yehuda Boruch, who is currently a Rebbe in Epstein Hebrew Academy, a Jewish Day School in St. Louis.  It was written by Glennon Menton.  Though I am not proficient in her other writings, the message of this piece, particular of the teacher she referenced, moved me.   It is r …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 13th, 2014

We’ve already had this conversation with my son. I have spoken with him about it so many times and he still does the same thing! Parents say that to me about all sorts of topics: getting started on homework instead of procrastinating, getting into bed on time, getting off the phone when asked to, cleaning up his room, not fighting with his sister; the list of issues being addressed is endless. The way some parents address them doesn’t …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

February 5th, 2014

There are two paths to significance. Some things are significant because they are rare or indispensible. The scarcity of a gem may be the only basis for its value. We don’t require large quantities of food, but we cannot live without some. Other things only become significant when their quantity grows beyond the norm. Dirt and rocks aren’t all that significant until Hashem presents them to us as a Grand Canyon. When the two paths to s …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 15th, 2014

Miri said that she thought that if she told me the truth, I would criticize her, and that’s why she lied to me; so I said, “and that makes it okay to lie?” And she said, “just like you’re criticizing me right now, that’s why I don’t even try to talk to you, and I wish you wouldn’t try to talk to me.” After recounting this to me, Miri’s mom looked me in the eye and said, “can’t I ever criticize her when she does somethin …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 10th, 2014

Miri did lie.  She told her mother that she hadn’t had any math homework for the past two weeks.  When her eighth-grade math teacher called to ask why Miri’s homework hadn’t been completed, Miri’s mother said she would be sure to discuss it with her daughter.  First, she discussed it with me. At first, she said she wasn’t sure how to punish Miri for lying to her, and wanted me to help her figure that out.  Over th …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

January 5th, 2014

Shock and awe are rare for me these days.  Over the course of more than 30 years of working with families, I've heard almost everything.  But every now and then someone says something to me that leaves me speechless, albeit briefly.
This was about a year ago.  I was meeting with a mom who had come to me to talk about her concerns about her 14-year-old daughter.  Miri, the mom told me, had lied to her.  As I recall, o …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 9th, 2013

Most of the time, when you say the word “why” you put someone on the defensive.   There is one good time to use the word why. It’s when you ask yourself, “why not?”   Unfortunately, many parents tend to ask themselves the opposite question: “why should I?” Their default response to most of their children’s requests is twofold.  First they ask themselves “why should I” and then they tell their child “no.â …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

December 2nd, 2013

I am your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend... I am a teenager studying in a [mainstream] High School in [city name]. I am writing this article in the first person for I feel so deeply about this issue. Watching & hearing friends, relatives, & peers struggling with some or all these feelings I felt compelled to write about it. Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dr …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 20th, 2013

Where do you get stuck?  At the kiddush, on the phone, at a vort, at a wedding, on the street, in the store?  How often do you find yourself stuck in a conversation that you’d like to conclude but you don’t want to be rude?  How does your courtesy towards the person you’re unwilling or unable to interrupt affect other people in your life who, ostensibly, are more important to you? I knew that Mendy was waiting for me to he …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 17th, 2013

One of the words I hear most frequently from parents is “overwhelmed.” When a parent tells me that she is overwhelmed, I usually say, “That sounds very difficult.  What do you do when you’re overwhelmed?” I don’t know what to do. So what do you do? I just told you.  I don’t know what to do when I’m feeling overwhelmed. I see.  But the last time you were overwhelmed, what did you do? I didn’t know what to d …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 6th, 2013

You’ve probably noticed that my weekly column is entitled Nachas Notes.  I named it after the Nachas Notebook™ which I created many years ago.  It has proven to be a powerful tool for building more effective parents and more successful children.   The Nachas Notebook™ is based on the principle of hakoras hatov, noticing and acknowledging when your child does something well.  There are at least three benefits to buil …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

November 3rd, 2013

Just the other day I was walking down the street.  All of a sudden I became aware of the fact that I was feeling happy.  I stopped in my tracks and said to myself, “oh my gosh, I’m happy, what’s happening here, this is terrible, what could this be, why is this happening to me, how do I make it go away and make sure it never, ever happens to me again?” The preceding paragraph sounds very strange, doesn’t it?  It doesn…
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 27th, 2013

Did you ever notice how easy it is to say you’re sorry as long you don’t say anything more than that?  If you bump into somebody, you say, “sorry,” and you go on to the next thing.    What happens if you bump into someone and you knock them over?  Do you just say that you’re sorry and move on to the next thing, or do you stop and try to help?  Do you feel bad that you were not more careful and you want to t …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 20th, 2013

I have waited some time to tell this story.  You may recognize yourself but I didn’t want to risk anyone else realizing who you are if they saw this happen.  I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, but I saw and heard you right in front of me at the cashier in a non-Jewish supermarket. You were having your items checked out by the cashier. You had a child in a stroller, and a little boy, I’m guessing around 4 or 5 years old, s …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 10th, 2013

Ain simcha k’hataras hasafaikos. There is no joy like the untying of doubts.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

October 10th, 2013

I’m Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, 2nd Lieutenant, United States Army Reserve, retired.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 12th, 2013

Don’t say thank you unless you mean it.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

September 4th, 2013

Revenge is such an ugly word. How could it be that David haMelech, in his last words of instruction to his son and successor Shlomo haMelech, commands him to take revenge? (Melachim I, 2:3-6) The gemara (Kiddushin 32a) says that a father and a teacher are allowed to forego their honor but a king is not. Why does this difference apply only for a king? The Malbim explains that David haMelech, in sentence 3, exhorted his son to follow the laws of the Torah. But in
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 30th, 2013

In September of 1971, the shul I grew up in welcomed a new Rav. It was to be the first of Rabbi Irving Rosner’s, A”H, many wonderful years with Congregation Sons of Israel, Yonkers. The day I met Rabbi Rosner, he taught me something I think about every year at this time. I’ve taught some version of this idea many times, in many ways, and it’s time to acknowledge him as the source of the core concept. I’ve come to better understand what he meant, now that the alternative has been identified.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

August 24th, 2013

Sometimes, people look at the same thing and have dramatically different reactions. The example that comes to mind is a mother and a child walking into a store and seeing a sign that says, “Back to School Sale.” The mother has a faint smile and a look of relief, but the child is frowning. If you’re standing close enough to them, you might hear the mother softly say, “finally.” And you might hear the child whisper, “already?” It’s easy to understand why parents look forward to the beginning of the school year. You send your child to school to learn and to spend time with friends. You hope your child will grow intellectually and socially so that school is a stimulating and satisfying place to look forward to.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 10th, 2013

Tell me about your children. What are they like? The only answer to that question that I would consider truly accurate is: They’re younger than me. Any further response that describes “your children” is going to be general and imprecise. I like parents to be particular. We tend to look for ways to include a bunch of thoughts and ideas at one time, to generalize. I don’t think that’s a uniquely American trait, but a visitor to our shores noticed it here back in 1835. He wrote: Men of democratic centuries like general ideas
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

July 3rd, 2013

Many years ago I was asked to give a presentation that would address concerns about bedtime for children. I wasn’t sure what title to give this presentation. I thought perhaps, “Helping Your Child Prepare for Bed,” or “Making Bedtime Easier for Your Children and for You.” The menahales who had requested this presentation said that those titles were nice but didn’t really capture the mentality of the parents she thought would most benefit from my lecture. I asked her what she meant by “the mentality of the parents” and she said
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 22nd, 2013

I’m going to ask you a question. Don’t think about it, just say the very first thing that comes into your mind. “Who is the most important person in your life?” Next, imagine that this “most important person” is telling you something or asking you something, or just enjoying spending some time with you.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 13th, 2013

A Jewish-American humorist once said that the reason that grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they share a common enemy. He was referring to the parents.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

June 6th, 2013

Rabi Preda had a student for whom he taught over a lesson 400 times until his student understood it. What was the rest of the class doing all that time? It’s hard to imagine that the other children were sitting there listening to the same thing told over 400 times without getting fidgety, or talking among themselves. Maybe they
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 30th, 2013

What happens to your pulse rate when your phone rings and the caller I.D. shows that it’s your child’s rebbe or morah calling? I hope you anticipate a conversation that will highlight your child’s successes before discussing, if necessary, any areas in which improvement is desired.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 23rd, 2013

What three letter word causes more pain, disappointment, and resentment than perhaps any other in the English language? But. How painful is it when a young man’s parents hear the word but from a shadchan:
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 9th, 2013

What do these two phrases have in common? Original copy. Open secret. Each of these phrases is an oxymoron, a combination of words that have completely opposite meanings. If something is a copy, it can’t also be the original. If some piece of information is openly known, it isn’t a secret.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

May 5th, 2013

What is so hard about sharing? Nothing, if sharing means having something, deciding to let someone else have it for awhile, and then getting it back intact. For young children, sometimes for teenagers, and sometimes for adults, that’s not the way sharing works, and then it’s hard.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 17th, 2013

When I grow up I want to be a fireman. (Tommy, an eight year old inner city child) That was the newspaper’s “Quote of the Day” and it didn’t make any sense to me. What was so significant about this child’s statement? I probably read it three more times until I realized I had been reading it incorrectly. He hadn’t said, “When I grow up I want to be a fireman.” He had said, “If I grow up I want to be a fireman.”
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

April 11th, 2013

Chaim and Shaindy had a very specific request. They wanted to know how to increase their son’s attention span. They were quite perplexed. They told me that their four-year-old son Mendy has never watched television or played an electronic game. They assumed that since their child had never been exposed to those fast paced, highly stimulating activities, he would be able to stay focused when his mother read to him. They couldn’t understand why his mind would wander after his mother had read only four paragraphs of a story he seemed, at first, to enjoy.
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