Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
How can I get my children to do things without having to ask them so many times? How can I get them to do things more quickly? Even when they do what I ask, it seems to take them much longer than necessary. Can you give me some methods that are easy to remember and work quickly?
Just the other day, a mom asked me,"What do you think of making natural consequences happen faster?" Aside from the fact that that sounds a bit unnatural, I was puzzled by how that could possibly happen, so I asked her to give me an example of what she had in mind. She did.
Let's say my son leaves his jacket on the floor when he comes home from school even though I've asked many times to hang it up. What if I were to do something to make his jacket dirty so he would see that it's not a good idea to leave it on the floor?
Isn't that deceitful?
Maybe, but wouldn't it get him to hang up his jacket sooner?
Yes, it might get him to hang up his jacket sooner. It also might teach him that deceit is okay if it gets you what you want. I don't think it's worth the risk.
The key for this mom seems to be getting her son to comply sooner rather than later. What's the rush?
Koheles 7:9 teaches us אַל תְּבַהֵל בְּרוּחֲךָ לִכְעוֹס al t'vahale b'ruchaha l'chos. Don't let behala lead you anger. What is this "behala" that leads us to anger? Is it confusion? Frustration? No. Rashi tells us that the "behala" that leads to anger is haste.
Mary Pipher, in her book Letters to a Young Therapist, (page 43) wrote, "We slow people down to the speed of wisdom." How often do you tell your child to think before he acts, to consider the alternatives before making a decision, and to "stop running around." You want your child to slow down physically and to think more deliberately. And you're in a rush to teach him to do it?
I hope you're not hoping to finish reading this article in a New York minute. Because speed counts. How slowly you read, think, and parent makes a huge difference for your child. You've probably heard the expression "speed kills." It's not just about amphetamines or driving too fast. It's about the avoiding the curse of the tochachah.
אַף-אֲנִי אֶעֱשֶׂה-זֹּאת לָכֶם וְהִפְקַדְתִּי עֲלֵיכֶם בֶּהָלָה (טז:ויקרא כו)
Af ani eh'eseh zos lachem, v'hifkadti aleichem behala. l will curse you with behala . So begin the curses in Vayikra 26:16, as understood by Yaakov Yisrael Cohen in Yalkut Lekach Tov, Vayikra page 291.
He goes on to explain that the recent advances in technology that enable us to get to places and do things more quickly are not the result of our intellectual prowess and a mark of success. They are the manifestations of this curse of haste and impatience. They condition us to expect rapid results with less effort, and leave us intensely frustrated when anyone or anything slows us down. So we push ourselves and our children to speed up. We exceed the speed of wisdom, and soon arrive at anger.
Saichel adam erech apayim, our wisdom is manifested through our patience. (Mishlei 19:11). Another way to understand this expression is "wisdom leads to patience." The Shem mi'Shmuel on parshas B'reihis writes that we were created with a mind to control our emotions, and emotions that control our behaviors. You know the expression, "he had an emotional reaction." That happens when we react without thinking first about the potential harm, in the short or long term, that our ill considered, hasty actions may cause. The alternative to an emotional reaction is called a measured response. It is measured by the mind to weigh the benefits, and the risks, of our behaviors before we act. Reactions come quickly, measured responses take longer.
Orach Chaim 47:5 Mishna Brurah 10: The prayers of a father and mother should always be in their mouths, praying for their children that they should be Torah scholars, be righteous people and behave properly with other people. And one should concentrate greatly while saying when saying... "L'ma'an lo niga larik v'lo neled labehala," in order that we should not toil in vain and give birth for futility. [towards the end of kedusha d'sidra].
Perhaps that can be taken to mean, "don't rush with your children, don't fill their their lives with behala."
Our children need to know that they're worth our time. So slow down, teach them, and enjoy them. Have nachas.
Rabbi Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who has been serving the Jewish community for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
How do you help your children when they're struggling with sibling rivalry?
Recently, I've spoken to three different women's groups who wanted help with sibling rivalry. Each group began with the same question: Why can't my children get along?
I explained that sibling rivalry is common and probably unpreventable. I wanted to reassure them that they were not to blame for the bickering, yelling, fighting, and other manifestations of sibling rivalry they were seeing in their homes. Apparently that message was well received. There were no more questions about "why is this happening" and "how can I prevent it." The new question was, "How do I deal with it when it happens?"
My four-year old teases his older brother and sister when they are trying to do their homework, or sitting and reading a book. They are really very good about it. They never hit him or push him. They tell him to go away. Sometimes their voices get a little bit loud, but that's just because he doesn't listen to them. Sometimes they come over to me and ask me to make him stop. I don't know how to make him stop! I mean I can take him out of their room, and explain to him that he has to leave them alone because they're reading or doing their homework, and I can put him in time out and he'll stay there for three or four minutes, but it won't be long until he's right back there again teasing and distracting them. How am I supposed to deal with him?
What would you rather your four-year-old do while his brother and sister are busy reading and doing homework?
I don't know.
I suspect he doesn't know either. I'm not sure he is teasing and distracting them because he wants to be a malicious.
No, he's not a malicious child at all; he's very sweet most of the time.
Could it be that he doesn't have any homework, and he doesn't know how to read, and he is bored, and teasing his siblings is not about distracting them from what they're doing, it's about relieving his boredom? I don't know about you, but I am one of the many people for whom boredom is extremely unpleasant. Maybe it's really hard for your four-year-old also. It's also possible that your four-year-old is experiencing sibling rivalry over the fact that his older sister can read and his older brother has homework to do, and he does not. I'm sure it won't take long, and he won't be jealous of somebody else's homework once he has plenty of his own, but in the meantime it's something his big siblings get to do and he is left out. Helping him find something to do so that he feels useful will be more effective than telling him to leave his older brother and sister alone.
Next question:
How do you teach children Shalom strategies when things are calm?
I would suggest you begin by acknowledging and celebrating your child's being calm. Say his name, make eye contact with him, and say to him, "you are (reading, writing, playing, getting along, etc.) so nicely; you're such a good boy!"
Then, before you teach him anything, find out what he's already learned.
What do you mean? What makes you think he's learned anything? Ten minutes earlier he and his sister were screaming at each other, and sooner or later they will be again, so what did he learn?
Apparently, he learned how to temporarily disengage from a screaming session with his sister. I would like you to help him figure out what Sholom strategy he used so that he can use it again; use it again to disengage from the next screaming session a little more quickly, and to stay disengaged longer. I hope that someday he and his sister will no longer have screaming sessions. Many siblings eventually outgrow that kind of thing and become friends. Try to trust that and be patient.
Follow-up question:
Maybe it's okay to be patient when they're screaming at each other, but what about when they're hitting, I should just stand there patiently and hope they'll stop soon?
No, you have to intervene verbally or physically, if necessary, to stop the fight.
Q: What about this situation, Rabbi Ackerman. This morning, my four year old hit my seven-year-old. My seven-year-old came over to me and said, "Mommy, he hit me, I want you to hit him." Isn't he right? He didn't hit his brother back; he came to me like I've told him to. What do you think I should do, isn't it appropriate that I hit the four-year-old to punish him for hitting his brother?
A: First of all, what did you do?
I didn't get a chance to do anything, because the school bus came right then, but as soon as they get home from school I'm sure my older son is going to ask me again, he is going to want to me to hit his brother for hitting him. Doesn't that make sense?
It makes sense if you are a Sadducee. They thought that "an eye for an eye" was to be taken literally. Chazal taught us that that's not true, that actually the Torah is alluding to tashlumen, compensation for harm done. The Torah Temima suggests that physically harming a perpetrator accomplishes nothing for the victim, whereas compensation exacts a penalty from the culprit and provides benefit to the one whom he harmed.
At this point, we ran out of time at the group, and we've run out of space for this article. G-d willing, we'll continue with this topic next time.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
How do you teach children shalom strategies when things are calm?
Do you believe in timeout? And if yes, how would you do it?
When does your child have the opportunity to learn how to regain shalom with her siblings? When does she get to reflect on how the shalom was lost to begin with? What is your expectation for her? Do you want her to develop a shalom strategy that will ensure unbroken tranquility with her siblings? Having never met her or any of her siblings, I can confidently tell you that unbroken tranquility is an excellent example of an unrealistic expectation.
But why can't she and her brother get along?
Are you sure that they never get along?
Okay, yes, sometimes they play together very nicely, and sometimes they just leave each other alone which is fine with me. But all of a sudden, pandemonium breaks out and I can't prevent it because I can't tell when it's going to happen.
And when it happens, what do you do?
I send the two of them into timeout.
You send the two of them into timeout together?
No, I send her to her room and I send him to his room.
When you send each of them into their respective rooms, what would you like them to be doing there?
I'd like them to be away from each other until they figure out how to get along with each other.
So you imagine that when you send them to their rooms, they are sitting there thinking about how to get along with each other better. I would like to give you some homework about that, what you think?
Okay, I'm willing to give it a try. What would you like me to do?
I would like you to sit down with Mendy and with Mindy, separately, after they've finished their next timeouts, the timeouts they got because they were at each other again. Ask each of them what they were thinking about while they were in timeout. No matter what they say, I want you to say, "okay I was just curious, thank you," and walk away. What do you think about doing that?
Yes, I'm willing to do it. But what if I don't like what they say?
For the time being, I just want you to find out what they've been thinking about during timeout. If you don't like it, we'll help them do better gradually. I would like to do this one step at a time.
Mom did it, and a week later told me that both Mendy and Mindy had told her pretty much the same thing.
During their timeout, each of them was planning how to get back at the other one for getting them in trouble. Not much of a shalom strategy. Not that anything came of it, they didn't do anything to get back at each other, at least not that I was aware of. But it doesn't look like they accomplished anything either. So, timeout is not a good idea?
Timeout is not an idea. Timeout is an opportunity. It takes a child out of a situation in which she is not doing well, and gives her the opportunity to figure out what went wrong, how to get things right again, and maybe even how to prevent what went wrong from happening again. Your role is to help her make the most of that opportunity, because many children don't know how on their own.
The next time pandemonium breaks out between Mendy and Mindy, I'd like you to say, "This situation is not going well. I would like each of you to go to your room and sit quietly until you're not so angry anymore. Then I would like you to try to figure out what happened that you didn't like that got you so angry. Then, think about what you could say or do the next time that happens, instead of what you did last time."
I'm sure that if I were to say that to them they would both turn to me and immediately say that they don't know what else to do.
Yes, I suspect they probably would, and the key word here is "immediately." So I would want you to say to them, "I know you don't know what else to do right this second. That's why I want to go to your rooms, sit quietly for a while, and then see what you can come up with. If either of you still can't come up with anything, please come to me and ask me to help you."
All right. So now it's 10 minutes later, and the two of them come over to me and say, "we don't know what else to do." What should I tell them then?
I would try not to be so pessimistic. I have found that children often come up with very good ideas when they're given the time to think quietly, especially when you give them some gentle guidance about what to think about.
Many of us spend our timeouts feeling bad about what we did wrong and trying to shift some of the blame onto someone else so we won't feel so bad about ourselves. I'm not sure whether that comes naturally or if it's something we learn. I am sure that we can become conscious of how we spend our reflective time, turning it into an opportunity for planning shalom strategies and teaching our children how to do the same.
But still, what if they don't come up with an idea. What should I tell them?
Don't tell them anything. Speak with each of them, separately.
More, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I want to let you know that I tried some of the things you suggested. One of them was what you said about, "don't get him to do something, help him to do something." I have found that we get a lot more done when I work with him instead of telling him what to do and trying to get him to do it. Another thing you told me that's been really helpful was to think about letting him play with something for five more minutes when I'm ready to leave instead of saying, "we need to leave now, put that down and come with me." I remember your saying to me that I should think about how long five minutes seems to him to play with his toy, versus how long five minutes is for me to delay my shopping trip. For him, five minutes is a very long time, and as you pointed out, he can't comprehend postponing playing with the toy for an hour until we get back. I can plan to leave five minutes later and let him know when we're going to leave in five minutes instead of just letting him know when I want to leave right now. I'm so glad you told me how to think about that, because I see that now he is usually willing to come with me after his five minutes of play. I had never realized before how important that five minutes is for him and how easy it is for me.
I very much appreciated that mom's feedback. I'm sharing it with you because it illustrates something I've been reading about recently. According to social scientists, fostering empathy - the ability to identify with another person's feelings -is crucial to good parenting. Which raises two questions: can you teach someone empathy, and with how young a child is empathy helpful? Ariella just confirmed for me that yes, you can teach someone empathy. She reported back that I had successfully taught her how to empathize with her son. And it's helpful for very young children. The child she was referring to is two years old. Her empathic epiphany was of great help to him. When she realized how much the immediate five minutes of play he means to him, and how painful it is for him to lose the opportunity to play with a toy (that he cannot envision taking place just one hour later), she chose to accommodate him. When Ariella's empathy taught her how much those five minutes meant to her child, she realized how relatively little they mattered to her, and she postponed their shopping trip.
Ariella learned how to empathize, and she saw the value it had for her and her child, even though he's too young to express empathy in return. In a child not very much older, you can cultivate empathy. The most effective way to foster empathy in your child is to model it. In order to model it, you need to know what it is. Here are some definitions.
Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. By being a participant-observer, you come to understand how the other person feels. An empathetic observer enters into the equation and then removes himself.
James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as "a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. "
Dr. Hardee also quoted Columbia University psychiatrist Alberta Szalita who wrote, "[empathy is] consideration of another person's feelings and readiness to respond to his [or her] needs ... without making his [or her] burden one's own." I appreciate her expanding the concept of empathy from internal experience to motivator of responsive, caring behavior.
I'm sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I'm pretty sure that you don't always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's box.
I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a skill to master and teach.
A fascinating study showed that empathy can be taught by someone even younger than the age of two. How much younger? Quite a bit younger; a two month old baby! Let me share with you some excerpts from an article that appeared in the New York Times last November. It was entitled "Fighting Bullying With Babies."
It seems that it's not only possible to make people kinder, it's possible to do it systematically at scale - at least with school children. That's what one organization based in Toronto called Roots of Empathy has done. Researchers have found that the program increases kindness and acceptance of others and decreases negative aggression.
Here's how it works: Roots arranges monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). Each month, for nine months, a trained instructor guides a classroom using a standard curriculum that involves three 40-minute visits - a pre-visit, a baby visit, and a post-visit. The program runs from kindergarten to seventh grade.
Next week, G-d willing, we'll see how Roots of Empathy works, and we'll find the source in Chumash for the value of empathy. Then we'll address some of the specific concerns we listed above that can make it hard for caring, responsive parents to be empathic.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
What's the difference between a judge and a leader? What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders? Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child, the role of judge or the role of leader? What does any of this have to do with an article about empathy?
Let's answer the questions in the order in which we asked them:
What's the difference between a judge and a leader?
A judge is someone who examines what has happened in the past and decides what restitution or retribution is appropriate. His success depends on his knowledge of the law and his understanding of the situation in which the law is to be applied.
A leader is someone who helps people reach their goals, as individuals and as members of a group. His orientation is the present with an eye towards the future.
What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders?
The Torah gives us specific criteria for judges. When Yisro advised Moshe Rabbeinu to appoint judges over the Jewish people, he said to look for a nshei hayil - men of valor, yir'ei Elokim - G-d-fearers, anshei emes - men of truth, v'sonei betza - haters of ill-gotten gain.
When it came time to appoint a new leader over the Jewish people, Moshe turned to Hashem and asked for a leader who met only one criterion. Moshe said, "Let the Omnipotent G-d of all living souls appoint a man over the community." (Bamidbar 27:16) Hashem concurred. "Take Yehoshua ben Nun, a man of spirit, and lay your hands on him." (Bamidbar 27:18)
Rashi explains why, in the context of appointing a new leader, Moshe referred to Hashem as "G‑d of all living souls."
Master of the universe, You understand the unique nature of each person. Appoint for them a leader who can bear to work with each one according to his way.
Hashem responded by referring to Yehoshua as "a man of spirit," appointing him as the successor to Moshe, in accordance with the leadership criterion that Moshe expressed. Rashi explains: "A man of spirit: as you [Moshe] requested. That he is able to work with each person according to his way."
The criteria for judges show us that their role is to determine the truth of what has happened and how to respond to it in a just manner, no matter who was involved in the event. The single criterion for a leader alludes to a very different role. His role is to discern the unique potential and challenge for each person in the events towards which he is leading them, and for which he is preparing them. The judge looks at an event and determines the ramifications of what each person did. The leader looks at each person and helps him accomplish what he's capable of doing. The judge determines what was. The leader envisions what can be. The Torah teaches us that leadership is not about understanding situations; it's about understanding each person, not only for what they can do, but for who they are.
Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child? The Malbim, on our discussion of the appointment of Yehoshua, writes:
Each person has qualities, strengths, and cravings unique to himself, and a unique personality according to his temperament and makeup. For this reason, it is necessary for a leader to know how to guide the spirit of each individual, they being different in nature and quality from one another. This is what is written, "He has in His hands the soul of every living thing and the spirit of the flesh of every man." (Iyov 12:10) For every living thing has a soul of life, but man has a spirit of wisdom. This spirit is combined with his flesh and influenced by his earthly nature. Moshe sought a leader who would not only be concerned with guiding their bodies. He requested a leader who could guide their spirits.
I believe that parents need to know more than just what their children have done and how to judge it. I believe parenting is about learning who your child is and helping him or her to become who they are capable of being. Leading your child to success more often than you judge and correct her failures, can only be achieved when you know who your child is and not just what she has done. That takes empathy. You can learn it.
Here's how a recent article described an organization called Roots of Empathy:
Roots teaches empathy to students from kindergarten to seventh grade. They arrange monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). During the baby visits, the students sit around the baby and mother (sometimes it's a father) and they try to understand the baby's feelings.
The baby actually changes the children's behavior. Tough kids smile, disruptive kids focus, shy kids open up. In a seventh grade class, 12-year-olds unabashedly sang nursery rhymes.
The students do a lot of "perspective taking." When the baby is too small to raise its own head, for example, the instructor asks the children to lay their heads on the blanket and look around from there. Perspective taking is the cognitive dimension of empathy - and like any skill it takes practice to master. Children discover that everyone comes into the world with a different temperament, including themselves and their classmates. They see how hard it can be to be a parent, which helps them empathize with their own mothers and fathers.
Last week, I listed some of the things that can make it hard for you to empathize with your child. I ended last week's article by saying that we'd address those things in this week's article. But we didn't get to them. I'm going to try to imagine what it's like for you to have to wait another week because I told you I would address something this week but I didn't. You can try to imagine what it's like for me to be unable to figure out how much I'm going to be able to cover in an article, and having to excuse myself for not getting it right. Good opportunities for empathy!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I taught Ariella how to empathize with her two year old son. She said she would try to imagine how much a couple of minutes of play means to him, and weigh it against how important it was to her to bring him somewhere right away, depriving him of those minutes of play. It was really thoughtful of Ariella to let me know what happened.
I have to tell you that since I began waiting for the extra five minutes or telling him he could go on the slide one or two times, it's worked so well. In fact that other Shabbos, I was walking to shul and he wanted to go into someone else's yard where they allow him to play. I said nothing this time. He went in and then said, "wanna go to shul," and started walking, it was amazing what it can change!! Thank you so much.
What caused this amazing change for this mom? Empathy.
According to social scientists, fostering empathy - the ability to identify with another person's feelings -is crucial to good parenting.
James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as "a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. " When you experience empathy towards your child, you become calmer, more patient, and better able to help your child. Rather than reacting out of your frustration and impatience, you can respond in a caring manner to what is difficult for your child.
I'm sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I'm pretty sure that you don't always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.
I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a crucial skill to master and teach. Let's address them one by one.
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
Never? Often, you're in the middle of doing something, or a lot of things, and can't sit down with a child to empathize with her. There may be other
children vying for your attention at the same time you wish you could sit down with this child. Right now, you really can't. There are two things I
would like you to do. One, is to make eye contact with her and say, "I'd like to sit down and talk with you for a while but I can't right now." The
second is to figure out when you can and make sure you do. This can be daunting if you're trying to imagine when you could possibly spend an hour
sitting with her. I want to assure you that giving her five minutes during which she gets to talk about some of the things she wants to tell you is far
more valuable than hoping for an hour with you that never happens.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem. Upon whose problem are you focusing? If your entire focus is on the problem you're having with your child's behavior, you will not express empathy to him because you're too busy empathizing with yourself. This tends to happen when you see your child's failed behavior as an act of disrespect towards you and feel frustrated, resentful, and angry over it. I truly believe that most children do not spend the day trying to figure out how to make their parents miserable. If that is your impression, you certainly deserve some empathy and I would urge you to speak to your spouse or someone else you trust to help you. Once you're able to see the problem as belonging to your child rather than you, you will be able to help him with empathy towards him.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me. Remember the definition I gave you a couple of weeks ago? Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. If giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for you, it may because you are vicariously experiencing the emotions your child is describing to you, and not detaching successfully. Vicarious trauma is a well-documented phenomenon, it is very painful, and it can be addressed. Actually, it must be addressed. There is a term for what happens to people who do not seek healing from vicarious trauma. That term is "burnout." When a clinician suffers burnout, they sometimes leave the field because it has become too painful to try to help someone who is hurting. When a parent burns out, they can't leave the field. They just become unable to listen to their child's pain. They start saying things like, "there's no reason to be sad," or, "don't be such a baby," or, "there's nothing to be afraid of." These parents usually don't have to say these things for very long because their children stop telling them what they're thinking and feeling. At which point these parents still haven't left the field, but they're out of the game. These are the parents with whom I empathize when they come to me and say, "Why won't my child talk to me?" I model and teach them empathy, so they can express empathy as a medium for re-building their relationship with their child.
Empathy toward your child is so valuable. What gets in your way? We'll look at the rest of the answers, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details:
718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I appreciate the nachas that I get from parents like Ayala, and enjoy hearing about the nachas she has from her daughter, Ronit.
Ayala expressed empathy to her child, and it allowed her child to express her feelings and her wants more accurately. The result of that was a suggestion that might make Ronit's bed time less difficult for both of them, a suggestion that came from the child.
Here's Ayala's letter.
Ronit has been having a hard time with bedtime and of course I've been utilizing your methods. The articles on empathy were also so helpful. Tonight she cried again and once more I asked her, "I see you're crying. What's so hard for you at bed time. I wish you would use your words instead." She finally calmed herself down and said, "Ma I'm so jealous that everyone else is still up when I go to sleep. It makes me sad." Amazing!! We then were able to have a conversation on what she can do when she feels jealous. She asked to play on her Nintendo for a few minutes each night in bed!! Incredible stuff!! Rabbi Ackerman I'm still impressed every time. What a success! And yes of course I told her how well she worked that out for herself!! Thanks again!!
Over the past few weeks, we've looked at some of the concerns parents have about expressing empathy towards their child.
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
We've addressed the first three, and this week we're up to number four. How did Ayala overcome this obstacle to empathy in order to have this conversation with Ronit? What gave her the courage to open Pandora's Box?
According to the myth, Pandora's Box contains every kind of evil that exists. Thus, the expression, "to open Pandora's Box," means to expose yourself to all kinds of difficulties that you think would better be contained inside the box.
What is the answer to a parent who is reluctant to invite a child to express her fears, frustrations, or jealousy because it would be opening Pandora's Box? I found the answer on page 168 of a book called The Facts On File Dictionary of Classical, Biblical, and Literary Allusions. I found out that there's one more thing in Pandora's Box besides all the evil and trouble. All the way down at the bottom, there is Hope.
Maybe the metaphor is that until you open the box and face what's frightening, you don't realize that there is hope. You may be afraid to invite your child to tell you what's inside of their box of fear, anger, disappointment, or jealousy. You may be thinking that allowing them to express what they are feeling obligates you to help them feel better and you don't know how. The reality is that your empathic listening gives them the opportunity to explore what they are already struggling with rather than teaching them to deny it. Then you can offer them hope that they will think about things differently and feel better someday soon. You can't think about something differently, and feel better about it, until you look at it. That's why the hope is inside the box.
David haMelech, A'H, in Psalm 48 wrote, "diminu Elokim chasdecha." Rav S. R. Hirsch explains diminu as "to make a likeness or a picture for one's self, to conceive of something," and translates the phrase as follows: "We had heretofore conceived of Thy mercy, O G-d." (The Psalms, Rav Hirsch, Feldheim, page 343) In the Artscroll Interlinear Siddur, Rav Davis translates diminu as "we hoped." (Ashkenaz, page 223) When you picture something, look at it more calmly and get a clearer, more accurate understanding of your thoughts and feelings, you gain hope that you will cope with them and develop new strategies for success. That's what Ayala accomplished by empathizing with Ronit. Ayala invited Ronit to describe all of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings with which she was struggling. Her empathy allowed Ronit to look at all of the scary things in her box, and resulted in Ronit's developing a strategy for success. And Ronit is, bli ayin hara, three.
There are two obstacles to empathy we have not addressed in these articles:
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
Once you've learned empathic communication, you'll know that empathy begins with yourself. Learning how to monitor your own need for nurturance will help you nurture others without running out. I would not attempt to teach that to you in an article. I hope you will seek someone to teach and nurture you. You and your children deserve no less.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I was mistaken.
I've said something to many parents and I recently found out that it's not correct.
I've been telling parents that the only person who can't slow things down and think before reacting is a paramedic. The other day, at the breakfast table between dovening and my Sunday morning learning seder, I mentioned this idea. A paramedic seated nearby was nice enough to set me straight. He explained to me that when he arrives at the scene of an emergency he doesn't rush headlong into the situation. It was interesting; he also didn't say that he slows down. What he said was, when he arrives on the scene, the first thing he does is… he stops. He stops long enough to assess whether or not it is safe to proceed, safe for him and safe for the people he is there to help. In other words, he takes the time to figure out what might make the situation worse before he attempts to make it better. His training has taught him that the idea "anything I do has got to be better than doing nothing" is not only fallacious, it's dangerous.
There's a term that describes men and women who rush to the scene of an emergency. They're called "first responders." Which brings me to something else I've said to many parents, something I'm pretty sure I've got right. I often tell parents that there is a difference between reacting and responding. There's a difference internally and there's a difference in what you say out loud to your child.
Here's what a reaction sounds like internally:
Why can't I get this child to behave? I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are. I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior. I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
And here's what this reaction sounds like externally:
Why can't you ever just do what I tell you? Do you have any idea what it's like for me when you can't ever comply with a simple request? I come home straight from shul just for this? I might as well stay there.
Now let's look at the same situation and see what the internal response sounds like in direct contrast to the internal reaction we just described.
Reaction: Why can't I get this child to behave?
Response: He didn't do what I asked him to do. I wonder what happened? Maybe I can help him do better next time.
Reaction: I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are.
Response: Other parents seem to have some strategies for helping their children that I haven't learned yet. I'm going to look into that.
Reaction: I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior.
Response: Maybe I should start by asking my wife. She might have some ideas that would be helpful for him and for me.
Reaction: I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
Response: I really want to learn how to accomplish more with my kids.
And here's what this response sounds like externally:
What happened, Shloime? How could I help you?
There's also a difference in the outcome you're likely to arrive at. Reactions tend to result in confrontations and verbal altercations. When you react, your children tend to become defensive and react back to you. The ensuing argument might dissipate a lot of heat but rarely sheds any light. Responses more often lead to enlightening conversations.
Rabbi Ackerman, I want to assure you that when I say, "What happened, Shloime? How could I help you," he's going to say, "I don't know." It's not going to be much of a conversation.
Yet.
What do you mean, "yet?"
I mean you've invited him to have a conversation rather than precluding one by starting an argument. I would like you to believe him when he says that he doesn't know how you can help him, and to tell him that you would like him to think about it. Then, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. A day or two later, ask him what he came up with. And when he tells you that he didn't come up with anything, gently ask him to please think about it, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. It may take quite a while before this conversation takes place and things get better. In the meantime, you haven't made it worse.
I know I didn't describe the situation that this father was addressing. That's because it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter what is the nature of the situation to which the paramedic is responding. He always needs to stop and think about what might make things worse before he tries to make something better.
Did the title of this article sound strange to you? I've never heard of a First Reactor either. They're called First Responders, not First Reactors, and now you know why.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Parents spend a lot time preparing their home for Pesach. I suggest that parents also spend time preparing their children for Pesach.
How do you pique your child's interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what it's like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you don't want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what that's like. Then ask him what it's like when he finally gets to do whatever he feels like doing. If he says "that has never happened," don't argue or give examples of when you think it did happen. Accept his perception of reality and ask him what he would do if that did ever happen. Then ask him what happens when you do whatever you want but there are no rules; how do you know how to play, how to get along, what works best to get the things you want?
Now you can say, "the Yidden in Mitzrayim were bossed around all the time, made to do things they didn't want to do and that were too hard for them. Then Hashem freed them and they needed to know what to do with all that freedom and this is why Hashem gave us the Torah, so we'd know what to do when we have freedom and choices."
I hope your children don't perceive of the time they spend in school as "slavery." School, nonetheless, provides them structured time with specific places to be and things to do. They now have all this "freedom" from school, and they may not know what to do with it or where you wish they'd do it.
The timing is awful. Just when you're at your busiest with all of the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, that's when your children are off from school, seeking your attention. Even when (or should I say "if") the work is done for the day, you're exhausted and find it hard to be available to your children.
Your children have much more time on their hands just when you have even less time for them. It's a recipe for failure, unless you plan for success. Here's how.
Sit down with each of your children in advance. Expect to spend between two to five minutes with each child. That's really all you and they need to make some plans.
Sitting in a quiet, calm place with each child:
Explain that there will be times while there's no school that you won't be available to spend time with her.
Tell her what you would like her to help you with, when, and for how long.
Ask her what activities she would like to do when you're not available to spend time with her. With whom would she like to spend time, who can make the arrangements, what books, games, crafts, and equipment will help her stay busy while you're unusually busy.
Remember that planning activities is better done with children rather than for them.
Even after careful planning for a calm Pesach preparation session, a child may need your attention. When you perceive this need for attention as "misbehavior," you might become angry. Coping with anger during Pesach preparations is addressed in HaSeder HaAruch, who writes the following
A person must know that anger and harsh rebuke are always forbidden. "Anyone who becomes angry is considered as though he had committed idolatry." (Rambam hilchos daos 2:3 based on Talmud Shabbos 105b) Just as we must guard against chometz when baking matza, so must we guard against anger lest our matza be a mitzva haba b'aveira. (chapter 24 paragraph 6, my translation)
The Sefer HaChinuch in mitzva 16 writes that our thoughts and feelings are influenced by our actions. The actions we perform in the fulfillment of mitzvos are designed to focus our thoughts and stimulate our feelings. When we engage in mitzvos that remind us of the kindnesses and wonders that Hashem has done for us, we feel grateful and we realize that it is appropriate to express appreciation. Thus the activities we perform at the Seder naturally lead us to the thoughts and feelings we express in Hallel. The Chinuch writes this in the course of his discussion of the commandment not to break any bone of the korban Pesaach. There is another context in which breaking something is significant.
I mentioned that the Rambam describes someone who becomes angry as being tantamount to worshipping an idol. The gemara, however, equates anger with idolatry only when, in expressing the anger, the person breaks a vessel. Why doesn't the Rambam make this distinction? The Seder HaAruch posits that the Rambam wants to teach us that anger can lead to breakage indirectly and insidiously, even when the damage isn't immediately evident.
Our children are vessels, they are the kli machazik of our Torah, the repository of our future. When we speak to them in anger, we risk damage to that vessel that is the soul of our child. Damage that may not be evident, but is painful just the same.
Every couple of hours, while you're preparing for Pesach, sit down with a child for just a minute or two. Smile, sigh, and say, "hi, how are you doing?" The bracha for you and your child in those few moments may not be evident, but it is real just the same.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575
"So Cute, So Hard on a Marriage"
This was the title of an article in a recent issue of the Wall Street Journal that described the affect of children on their parents' marriage.
According to the article, "numerous studies have shown that a couples' satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship."
It's sad, and ironic. The irony is that the stronger the relationship between parents, the better it is for their children, these same children who test the strength of their parents' relationship again and again.
Is this article at all relevant to us, members of the frum community? Can you imagine parents in our community considering their children to be a source of stress and strain on their marriage?
Can you imagine parents being so stressed by their children that they could go so far as to curse them? And if you could, to what would you attribute it? Would you say it's because of our fast-paced urban lifestyle? Shall we blame it on the Internet?
I'm not a historian, but I'm fairly certain that the urban lifestyle of Bialystok, Poland in the early 1800s bore little resemblance to ours, and the Internet was not an issue to be addressed. The phenomenon of frum, loving parents cursing their children, was. It was addressed by a rav who lived in Bialystok, and died there in 1867, Rav Hanoch Zundel ben Yosef. He is best known for his commentaries Eitz Yosef and Anaf Yosef on the Midrash, the Ein Yaakov, and the Siddur.
Rav Hanoch Zundel also wrote a commentary on the laws and customs of tefila. I would like to share with you my translation of excerpts from his discussion of bentching children on Friday night, from his commentary Besamim Rosh.
(The Besamim Rosh is printed in the Siddur Otzar Hatefilos. In the 1966 Hebraica Press, nusach Ashkenaz edition, there are numbers at the bottom of the page. The number on the right is a chapter number and the number on the left is the page within that chapter. The following is from page "16 -39.")
"It is appropriate for every man to bless his sons and daughters on Shabbos, particularly on Friday night.
"I have found that that which it is customary for all Israel to bless their sons and daughters every Shabbos and holiday is because sometimes, during the week, the father and the mother have cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Therefore, now, in a time of joy we nullify those curses by way of the blessings; we ask Hashem to change the curse into a blessing.
"When a man places his hand onto the head of his child he, the father, is himself blessed, as the pasuk says, 'and Yisrael put his right hand, etc.' and then it says, 'and He [Hashem] blessed them, etc.'
"It is clear that it is a minhag shtus [an incorrect practice] on the part of those who refrain from blessing their children on the holy Sabbath, for our sages have taught, 'do not take lightly the blessing of an ordinary person.' And certainly at an ais ratzon [a time of G-d's willingness to forgive], such as Friday night, it [to fail to bless one's children] is an act of laziness brought about by the evil inclination, as is its way, to lower a person continuously into extreme sloth to prevent him from doing even the smallest act of the will of Hashem. Therefore anyone who has reverence for Hashem in his heart will bless his children and his offspring."
Sometimes, during the week, in early 19th century Bialystok, fathers and mothers cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Rav Hanoch Zundel did not berate those parents, he did not exhort them to control themselves at all times, to never become so frustrated and angry. He did not write that parents must never again curse their children. He knew that they might. He wrote that Hashem gives us an ais ratzon, a time when we can heal a wound inflicted in anger, and that it is inexcusable to forfeit the opportunity.
I'm sure you've never, G-d forbid, cursed any of your children, wished them harm or suffering. But you may have uttered an imprecation. An imprecation is defined as something rude, angry, or hostile that is said to or about someone. It is a synonym for "curse" in a broader sense of the term. The Hebrew word Rav Hanoch Zundel used is to describe how those parents may have "cursed" their children is m'kallalin. The word is translated as "to curse," but its literal meaning is to make light of. A parent doesn't have to be rude, angry, or hostile to curse their child in the Hebrew sense of the term. All it takes is a dismissive gesture of the hand or a glaring look to make a child be taken lightly, to feel insignificant.
The atonement process, when the Temple is standing, for one who has inflicted harm through inappropriate speech includes placing the blood of an offering onto the thumb. Rav Nisan Alpert, ztz"l, pointed out that this is to remind us of the harm we can do with a dismissive gesture of the hand.
Perhaps this is why it is so important that you place your hand on your child when you bless her. Your softly spoken love and soothing touch express your desire to heal the pain of harsh words and dismissive gestures.
One thing more. Make sure your eyes meet her eyes. Just as a look of disdain pushes your child away and makes her feel small, your smiling look of affection uplifts her and brings you closer.
Al t'hi birckas hedyot kallah b'aneicha (Megila 15a)
Don't take lightly the bracha given to you by an ordinary person.
It could be understood to mean, "The way to make your bracha more meaningful is b'aneicha, with your eyes."
A more meaningful bracha for your child, and for you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationship, and parenting. He works with parents
and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
2 comments
In Derech Eretz Rabba (Ch.5), we find an expression that speaks to the conundrum you face as a parent of teenagers: kabdehu v'hashdehu, be respectful and be suspicious. You want to respect his privacy yet you wonder what he's doing in private. You want to trust his judgment and you worry that he doesn't always make the best decisions. He wants you to let go but you still want to know where he's going. You're ambivalent and quite sure about only one thing; that you mustn't reveal your ambivalence to your teenage child. And that's your only mistake. Because it leads you into doing the one thing you most wish he wouldn't do to you. It leads you to deceive him.
Your ambivalence is appropriate. You want to give your teen more independence, and you want to trust him with his privacy, but you don't entirely trust him and you want him to depend on you for guidance. What's the best way to address this puzzling situation? I think an example would be helpful.
Here are some excerpts from a conversation between a father and his teenage son.
Yossi, you got out of school at 6, and you should've been home by 6:30. Why didn't you get here until 7:15? Where were you?
At Eli's. We were working on a project together.
So you don't mind if I call Eli's parents to confirm that?
You don't trust me!
This isn't about trust!
Let's pause the conversation right here. At this point, dad has made it clear that he wants to confirm the veracity of Yossi's statement that he was at his friend's house. I would wonder, along with Yossi, why dad wants independent confirmation if dad does trust his son. If it really is not about trust, then what is it about? And where does this conversation go from here? If dad continues to insist that it's not about trust, the conversation devolves into a debate on why you would ask for confirmation of your child's statement if you do trust him.
There is an alternative. Here's how the conversation flows when dad responds to his son's statement more accurately.
Yossi: You don't trust me!
That's true, Yossi , sometimes I find it hard to trust you. Why are you reluctant for me to call Eli's parents to confirm that you were there? That would give you the opportunity to prove that you were telling the truth and that I was mistaken to think that you weren't.
Okay, fine, I wasn't at Eli's. I was at Public Library.
Doing what?
Why must you know everything that I do, why can't you just trust me?
Because you just lied, again.
Let's stop the conversation here. It's true that Yossi originally lied about where he had been after school, but then he told his father the truth, that he had been at the Public Library. Dad now heard the truth from his son who had the courage to admit that he had lied. Rather than thinking of Yossi as having no choice because his father "caught him," I would prefer for dad to see this as an opportunity to acknowledge something his son did well after having done something very poorly. I do not want dad to condone the lie. I want him to acknowledge the difficulty his son might have had in admitting the lie and telling the truth.
If dad were to say, "you see, Yossi, I was right, you were lying again, why should I ever trust you," Yossi would learn that the only thing worse than lying is getting caught. Next time he'll lie more carefully, and if he gets caught, he'll try to lie his way out of that, because his father taught him that admitting he lied just gets him criticized even more.
Here's an alternative. What does Yossi learn when his father says, "Yossi I really feel bad that you lied to me about where you had been. I appreciate your owning up to it now and telling me the truth. That took some humility and courage, and you did it well. Yossi, I would like to understand how to help you tell me the truth to begin with next time. What were you concerned would've happened had you told me the truth when I first asked you where you had been?"
What Yossi learns when his father speaks to him this way is that his father wants to trust him and that it's very hard for his father to trust him, sometimes. It's also hard for Yossi to be where his father expects him to be when he'd really like to be at the Public Library.
This is the conundrum of parenting teenagers. Dad has his concerns about Yossi being at the Public Library, and Yossi resents his father for not trusting him there. Yossi has no intention of looking at anything inappropriate at the Public Library. Dad is concerned that Yossi might be exposed to something inappropriate and have a hard time steering clear of it. Yossi wants his father to trust him to make appropriate choices when inappropriate choices are staring him in the face. Dad wants to shield his son from such temptations because he doesn't trust him to always withstand them.
So we are back where we started from. With one important difference. Dad still expresses appropriate and necessary suspicion. But he has added respect by being candid about it, and accepting the fact that his son resents him for it sometimes.
Nobody said parenting teens is easy. Check with your teen; he'll tell you being one isn't so simple, either.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." Young children are taught to say thank you when they are given something because it's courteous to say thank you. You don't wait until your child appreciates that something good has been done for him and wants to express gratitude. You begin by teaching him to say thank you when something happened that he should appreciate, even though he doesn't understand what he's saying, and he doesn't understand what there is to appreciate.
Similarly, young children are prompted to say amen when someone says a bracha. They're taught to say amen even though they have no idea what amen means, and they don't know what the bracha they're responding to means, either. I would hope that as the child grows older, he will be taught the various intentions he may express with his amen as he discerns the meaning of the brachos to which he is responding.
This brings us to the subject of hakoras hatov; noticing, and acknowledging, bracha. How do you help your child discern bracha in his day to day life? How do you help him appreciate what you give to him?
I don't think my son appreciates anything I give to him or do for him because it's never enough. If I take him to the playground, he wants to go to the ice cream store afterwards. If I take him to the ice cream store, he wants three toppings on his cone, not two. If I let him ride his bike in front of our house, he wants to go past the next three houses, and if I let him go there, he wants to go around the corner. All I ever hear about is what he didn't get, and never a thank you for what he did get.
You want your son to say thank you for what you did give him, and not want more than you gave him?
Yes, why can't he ever be satisfied with less than every single thing he wants?
That's an interesting question. It reminds me of something we spoke about two weeks ago. You had been very frustrated with Gavriel because every time you gave him a short list of things to do, he did some of them but he never managed to do all of them. When I asked you how you express your acknowledgment of what Gavriel does accomplish from his lists, you said that if you acknowledged the part that he did do, you'd be condoning the fact that he didn't do the rest. Now you want Gavriel to appreciate what you give him at the ice cream store or the playground, and not be unable to appreciate it because of what you didn't give him. To me, it's parallel. You would like Gavriel to appreciate what he was given even when he wants more, and I would like you to acknowledge what Gavriel does even when you want him to do more. What do you think?
It can be very difficult to notice something your child did well amid the disappointment that she didn't do it even better, to appreciate the part that she got right and not be blinded to it by the part she didn't get right, yet.
It's very important to notice the good part even when it's incomplete or inconsistent. It gives you the opportunity to encourage your child to do even better instead of discouraging her with never having gotten enough. And it reminds you to think of your own success as a parent in the same terms.
Here's a handout I've given to parents attending my groups. It will help you experience, and model, hakoras hatov.
When you are looking for success to appreciate and celebrate:
· If the glass is half empty, you're looking at the wrong part of the glass.
· If the glass is usually half full, give your child a smaller glass.
Hakoras hatov is a 2 step process. Each step requires kavana, conscious intention.
Step 1
Kavana - think to yourself:
I will now build my midah of hakoras hatov by noticing and planning how to acknowledge something my child has done well.
Then:
Say to yourself: I will now give value to something my child did well even though I want him/her to do it better and more often.
Step 2
Kavana - think to yourself:
I will now build my child's self-esteem by effectively acknowledging something my child has done well.
Then:
Say to your child: You did that so well! You put all of those seforim onto the shelves so neatly! [Be specific and accurate about what your child did.]
Optional: And I'm proud /pleased /glad/ relieved. This may be added to, not substituted for, the "You did that so well!" statement of acknowledgement.
You will find that as you express hakoras hatov to your child more often and more effectively, your child will give you even more to appreciate. She will learn how to notice and express hakoras hatov more often, too. Perhaps that's because hakoras hatov is a mitzvah, and mitzvah goreress mitzvah. [When you do what Hashem expects of you, Hashem gives you the opportunity to do more of it.]
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
The women in one of my parenting groups asked me to speak with them about hakoras hatov. I began by describing the term and asking them to think about what it literally means. We tend to think of it as "saying thank you." That's not what the words mean. Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." It follows that if your child doesn't notice something that's good she's not going to express appreciation for it. It does not necessarily follow that when your child notices something as being good, she will express appreciation.
Where would you prefer to begin? Do you want to help your child become more aware of what there is to appreciate and then teach her how to express her appreciation, or would you rather just tell her, "say thank you."
I would prefer that you help your child express something that she would like to express rather than just put words into her mouth. When she does not express appreciation, slow down, and wonder the following to yourself:
Is she grateful and she didn't tell me, or did she miss what I think she should be grateful for?
Here is a worksheet that members of the group completed so we'd have some examples to discuss. I hope you'll cut it out, and make copies. It will help you teach your child both components of hakoras hatov: noticing good things and expressing appreciation.
What happened that you thought your child appreciated?
What did your child say about it?
How did you respond to what he/she said?
What would you like your child to say instead or in addition?
How did you express that expectation?
When are pro forma expressions of appreciation (or regret) appropriate?
One of the women shared what she had written.
What happened was that I took my 15-year-old son to the store and bought him a new hat and I thought he appreciated it. What he said was nothing at all, and my response was to say nothing in return because I didn't know what to say; I was so hurt. What I wanted was for him to say thank you, to show some appreciation. How did I express that expectation to him? I said something like, "don't you think you should say thank you?"
I didn't ask that mom to tell us what she had written about pro forma expressions. I was more interested in exploring what went wrong in the scenario she had described so I could help her teach her son how to get it right next time. I asked her to tell us what had happened after she told her son he should've said thank you.
He said he was incredibly embarrassed to be in the hat store with all of his little brothers, sisters, and me, when all of his friends go to the hat store with just their father, or by themselves. I guess he didn't notice what there was to appreciate right that minute because he was still feeling embarrassed over the whole situation. I realized that's why he hadn't said thank you. I've learned to slow down and leave him alone for a while. Sure enough, when he came over to say goodnight to me that evening, he looked me right in the eye, gave me that little half smile of his, and said, "Ma, you bought me a really nice hat. Thank you."
Over the past few months, I have explored with this group of women the relationship between our thoughts and our emotions. This seemed like a good time to revisit those concepts.
You said that when your son didn't say thank you after you bought him the hat you felt hurt. You thought he was being ungracious. In retrospect, you're thinking about it differently. Now you're wondering if he was grateful for the hat and he was embarrassed by having you and his siblings in the hat store and until he got over the embarrassment he wasn't able to express his appreciation but then he did. Now that you're thinking all these things, how hurt are you feeling, in retrospect?
I see what you mean. Had I thought about what the entire situation had been like for him I might've realized why he didn't express appreciation, and I would not have felt hurt, just curious.
Curious about what?
Curious about what was making it difficult for my usually gracious and appreciative child to express appreciation for his new hat, rather than hurt that he hadn't. In the end, he expressed himself very nicely, far more nicely than if I would've said to say thank you and he would have said thank you so I would leave him alone.
It took a while for her son to notice the good outcome beyond the unpleasant circumstances, but when he did, he expressed himself very nicely. The pro forma "say thank you" instruction was unnecessary.
When are pro forma "say thank you" instructions and "say you're sorry" instructions appropriate? When your child is not capable of cognitively discerning what there is to appreciate, or feel sorry for, even when you point it out.
When you think your child may be able appreciate something after you've taken the time to help her notice it, I would urge you to invest the time to help her feel and then express genuine thanks.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
It's that time of the year again. School has ended, camp hasn't begun, and parents don't have as much time off as their children do. What are some good suggestions for activities that your children may enjoy when they come over to you and say, "I have nothing to do!"
I remember some of the things I suggested to our children when they were little.
You could mow the lawn, you could pull the weeds, you could plant the seeds you wanted to buy when we were at the store a month ago and have been sitting on the windowsill in the dining room ever since.
Dad, it's way too hot out to do that stuff. What can we do inside
Well, you can find some place to put those seeds so that they're not in the dining room anymore; you can sort through all the papers, folders and projects you brought home from school and decide which ones you want to keep and where you'd like to put them; you could organize the playroom and put all the game pieces back with the games they belong with that you always tell me you don't have time to do when you finish playing a game; and you could ask mom if there's anything she'd like some help with.
I was always amazed that my kids didn't think these were wonderful ideas. But they didn't. They'd find some things to read and play a game with one another. And so the days went by. Until, at last, it was time for our vacation, the pursuit of "fun for the whole family."
Baruch HaShem, we occasionally found it! Sometimes we even found it where we had been looking for it. We thought we would all enjoy a visit to our siblings where our children could enjoy some rare time with their cousins, and we were right. The 10 hour drive was well worth it. Five hours a day on the road each day went by pleasantly when we played family trivia games we had made up and had plenty of food and drink on hand. Having a "party" of snack foods and soda every night we stayed in a motel made bedtime a little less difficult, not so much from the food as from the camaraderie.
There were other times that we had a wonderful time together because we let things happen. Driving through Pennsylvania, we thought we would find picnic tables along the road but all we found was an outlet shopping mall parking lot. We parked under a tree in a far corner where it was not unbearably hot. We had, thanks to my very organized wife, bottles of water for washing, sandwiches, fruit, and assorted dessert items. What we didn't have was any place to sit. Until our kids realized that the hood of a 1985 Caprice station wagon affords spacious seating for many children. My wife and I opted for the tailgate, a little less of a climb.
I am tempted to lament the shape of minivans. The hood slopes too steeply to sit upon it, and the back of the car opens up, not down.
I hope you'll find some other unconventional places to sit and eat a picnic lunch with your children this summer. I hope you'll make up a family trivia game or let your children make one up.
When our youngest was six he asked some trivia questions about things that had happened during school a month before that none of us could possibly have known about. It gave him the opportunity to tell us about some things he had found interesting. None of us was in a rush or too busy with something else. Yes, what he told us was trivial. It was important to him to be heard, and we listened. It was all part of the game, it was fun, and everyone had a turn to try to stump the rest of us. And there were prizes! Each correct answer was worth up to three cents!
Another way for your whole family to have fun together is to tell stories. Not stories from books; stories from your life. Some of our children's favorite stories were the adventures and minor misadventures of our childhoods.
Like the time I went with my friend to the World's Fair, and got lost on the way home because we had gotten off the train and gone outside and only then realized that the IRT to 142 St. that we were supposed to have taken and the IRT to 141 St. that we took cause we figured it would only be a block further to walk don't actually take you to places just one block apart and we had spent all of our money at the World's Fair keeping only the 15 cents we needed to get home so now we couldn't get back onto a train and we asked a policeman to help us and he escorted us underneath the turnstile and made sure we understood how to get to the train we needed.
My wife told our kids how she took the train to school and back every day from the time she was in 7th grade.
For our carpooled, suburban children these were amazing tales. Trivial details of our younger lives became memories to share with our children, opportunities to enjoy some time talking with one another. When we found ourselves with nothing to do, what we did was to create memories for ourselves and our children of the time we spent together when they were young.
Ben Azzai said, do not minimize any person, and don't discount anything [in your life].
When you and your children have nothing to do and nothing important to say, cherish them and the time you have together. Tell them your stories and listen to theirs. It can be wonderful for the whole family.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I did not have a tantrum yesterday but if I were younger I just might have.
It all began when I received an e-mail from my friends at the Flatbush Jewish Journal with a list of deadlines by which my columns had to be submitted. When I read it more carefully, I realized it was a single deadline by which two articles were due. There was nothing intrinsically unreasonable about that request. The tantrum I managed to avert would not have been directed at them; they had no way of knowing that my wife and I would be away for the next five days on vacation. It would not have been directed at anyone. It would have simply been an expression of frustration over a situation I was finding very difficult.
Some toddlers have tantrums pretty often. We expect children to have them much less often, and by the time they become teenagers we don't expect to see tantrums anymore at all. Adults seldom throw a tantrum in the usual sense of the word. They've learned that kicking, flailing, and screaming are unbecoming, maladaptive, and unproductive.
It would be nice to imagine that adults do not become frustrated with situations they find very difficult. It would also be evidence of a rich fantasy life. So what do adults who are very frustrated with a situation and who have outgrown having a tantrum do instead?
It varies. Some get drunk; that's unbecoming. Some look around for someone to blame; that's maladaptive. Some do as little as possible to get through the situation as quickly as possible; that's unproductive. Others marshal their inner resources and seek support and guidance from family and colleagues. They eschew assigning blame, and take responsibility. They adapt to the situation and produce more worthy results.
I did express my frustration to a colleague and she helped me adapt to the situation. I hope that you'll consider this article a worthy result.
I would consider this article a worthy result if it helped you think about your child's tantrum differently. Because when you think about your child's tantrum differently you will respond to it far more effectively.
What do you think to yourself when your child has a tantrum now?
First of all, I think that I didn't do anything so terrible to her. I don't deserve this behavior from her. Second of all, I can't stand it! How long am I supposed to let her scream and kick?
Mirel sounded really angry. Fortunately, I waited to hear if she had anything else to say. Her lower lip began to tremble. She continued to speak but now her voice was breaking.
She's three years old and she hates me. What did I do so wrong?
What you did, Mirel, is tell your daughter that it's bedtime. She can see that it's light outside and she'd like to continue to play with her siblings who aren't going to bed. The situation is hard for her and she's very frustrated. Is "hate" too strong a word? She probably does hate this situation, and she's not very good yet at the idea that "you don't shoot the messenger when you don't like the message." So first of all you're right, you don't deserve this behavior from her. That doesn't mean you're going to be able to explain that to her when she's three.
Second of all: when you can't stand it, and you can't make her stop it, where can you go until she's done?
What do you mean? I should just let her scream and kick? For how long?
Mirel what would you prefer to do?
I don't know what else to do. If I give in to her she'll stop screaming and kicking but then what did I teach her? That screaming and kicking is the way to get what she wants. If I scream back at her louder than she's screaming at me she'll probably get scared and she'll get quiet. But then I've taught her that if you scream loud enough you get what you want. What else can I do?
Mirel, what do you think will happen when you say to your daughter, while she is screaming and kicking, "when you're able to speak to me with your words please knock on my door, because I'm going into my room now,' and then go into your room and close the door behind you and find something else that will occupy your attention."
I don't know. How long do you expect me to ignore her?
I don't want you to ignore her. I want you to focus elsewhere. If you knew she'd be fine without you for an hour what else would you find for yourself to do? Think about it, make sure something is available for you to do in your room, and do it until she's ready to speak with you.
Mom did it. She was conscious of the fact that her daughter was continuing to scream right outside of her bedroom door. Rather than trying to ignore it, she continued to focus, to the best of her ability, on the magazines she had set aside in her room. When her daughter became quiet, and tapped gently on the door, Mirel noticed that 45 minutes had gone by. Mirel invited her daughter into the room, and they had a productive conversation about what she had been trying to express to her mother.
That was two months ago. Last week, Mirel informed me that her daughter still has tantrums. Very seldom, and much shorter than before.
If you're concerned that your child might hurt himself or someone else during a tantrum, do whatever you need to do to keep him safe while you focus elsewhere. Take off his shoes, hold him in your arms, put him into a safe environment, and then direct as much of your attention as you can onto something else.
When something seems like the end of the world to your child and he's intensely frustrated over it he's sometimes going to have a tantrum.
You will help him more effectively when you realize that his having a tantrum is not the end of the world.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
--
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
What do you think about when the new school year begins? Many parents hope that their children's school year will be better than last year. Some parents wonder how to make that happen. This article will give you some specific ideas.
There are three situations which I will address in this article: homework, studying, and conversations with your child's teacher.
The first thing you need to know about homework is whether or not your child has any. Rather than asking him, "do you have any homework today," ask him, "what homework do you have today?" If he says he doesn't have any homework and your impression is that the teacher gives homework regularly, tell him that you're surprised that he wasn't given any homework, and that you intend to call the teacher to find out what happened. Be careful not to turn this into a discussion of whether or not you think he is lying to you.
If you say to your child:
I'm going to call your teacher to find out if you really don't have any homework .
He will hear it as: you think I'm lying and you're going to try to catch me.
And you're about to say to me:
But Rabbi Ackerman, shouldn't I catch him so he'll learn not to lie?
I'm going to venture a guess that in school years past he has lied to you about homework and you have caught him. How has catching him in the past been helpful if he is still lying to you about homework again this year?
So I should just let him get away with it?
No, I'd rather you help him with whatever is getting in his way about his homework so he won't have anything to get away with.
What is getting in your child's way about his homework? The answer has very little to do with the age, grade, subject, or type of school your child attends. It has a lot to do with your child's "Homework Place."
Before the school year begins, I would like you to sit down with each of your children for 10 minutes and complete the following assignment together.
My Homework Place
Describe your homework place by answering the following questions:
1. When I do my homework, where do I sit? How comfortable is it? If it's not that comfortable, what would make it more comfortable?
2. Where do I put my textbook, my notebook, my paper? If it's too cramped, where I could spread it out better?
3. What sounds do I hear while I'm doing my homework (siblings, parents, music, sounds from outdoors, what else)? If the sounds are distracting to me, what can I do?
4. What do I see while I'm doing my homework? Who comes into my field of vision? How can I avoid being interrupted?
5. What do I smell while I'm doing homework?
6. What skills can I use to overcome the distractions when I can't prevent them or escape them?
7. How long do I work until my break? What do I do during my break? How long is my break?
8. To whom do I turn when I need help?
Inviting your child to think about the answers to these questions helps her plan to succeed at doing her homework by identifying the things that have made it hard for her in the past. By helping her to identify or create a better environment in which to do her homework you make it likely that she'll find it more pleasant to work on her homework. Will she have fun with her homework? That will depend on the educator, the materials, and your ability to make something that could be rather dry, entertaining. I would suggest that you try for it occasionally and not expect it every night. You and your child will both enjoy the profit of your efforts.
Which brings us to topic number two, study. What brings us to the topic number two? Entertainment! The science of associative memory has taught us that studying is most effective when it is entertaining.
Picture in your mind: Noah Ark being deluged by the contents of gigantic 99 cent can of Arizona ice tea. Really, take a second and picture it in your mind. Now, tell me, what state comes alphabetically after Arizona? ARKansas. Trust me, you'll never forget it. It's entertaining, it's weird, it's memorable!
That's the point. It's a powerful tool for memorization, which is fine when study requires memorization and nothing else.
What do you do when study requires comprehension? You sit down with your child and ask him if he seems to understand things better when he hears them, reads them, or explores them in some manner with his hands or his eyes. Some children understand and remember better when they speak the material into a voice recorder; some benefit from hearing themselves or you over and over again. Some children study by writing, sketching, or flow charting the concepts on a blank pad. Your role is to make sure they know what different strategies might help them study more effectively and to make the materials available to them.
And topic 3, what will make your conversations with your child's teacher more effective?
First, when you see the teacher's name on the Caller ID, be optimistic. I hope your child's teacher's first phone call will be to tell you something good about how your child is doing. If the teacher expresses concerns about your child's performance, whether academic, social, or behavioral, ask the teacher what your child could do that would be an improvement. Once you have a clear understanding of the teacher's expectation, decide when to tell your child that the teacher called, and what expectation was expressed. Make sure you are calm, and have a few minutes to hear your child's "side of the story." Then, help your child figure out how to meet the teacher's expectation, even though he doesn't see the situation the same way the teacher does.
Dina, your teacher called and said you missed a minute of recess because you were talking. The teacher would like you to sit quietly during class, and so would I. What happened?
Mom, you don't understand. It's so unfair! Two other kids were talking before me, and I was just saying something about what they had said, and I was the only one who lost a minute of recess. It's not fair.
I'm sure it's really frustrating for you, Dina, when other girls get away with something and you don't. What can you do differently to make sure that you don't lose any recess time?
But it isn't fair; they should've lost a minute also.
I don't really understand how they're being punished along with you would make your missing some of your recess okay with you.
It's not okay with me!
All right, so what you can you differently to make sure you don't lose some of your recess time the next time other girls are talking?
Dina may not know what to do, and I don't want you to tell her. Let her feel bad for awhile and think about it. She'll figure it out, and she'll do better, sometimes. If you don't hear from her teacher for two weeks, call the teacher to confirm that Dina is doing better, and make sure you tell her about that phone call, too!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Chaim and Shaindy had a very specific request. They wanted to know how to increase their son's attention span.
They were quite perplexed. They told me that their four-year-old son Mendy has never watched television or played an electronic game. They assumed that since their child had never been exposed to those fast paced, highly stimulating activities, he would be able to stay focused when his mother read to him. They couldn't understand why his mind would wander after his mother had read only four paragraphs of a story he seemed, at first, to enjoy. Mendy would begin to look around the room, and when his mother told him to pay attention, he said he'd rather play, and he ran off to his toys.
What happened then, Shaindy, when Mendy went into the living room to play? What did you say to him?
Nothing. But the next time he asked me to read to him, I told him I would if he would sit still and pay attention. I explained to him that the story is not very long, and I think he is old enough to sit and listen to it, and he said that he would.
Shaindy took only a brief breath; her mouth began to open with the next words she wanted to say, but before the words came out, Chaim interjected:
He always says he'll do what you want him to do, and then when he doesn't do it you don't do anything about it.
What would you like me to do about it?
Tell him if he doesn't sit still until the end of the story he won't get nosh at the Shabbos Oneg.
The last time I told him that, he said, "I don't care!" And when I…
"When you what"? Chaim interrupted. "You just give up and walk away, just like you said, he went to play with his toys in the middle of the story and you didn't say anything about it. How do you expect… "
How do I expect? What do YOU expect? Why don't you try reading to him some time and see how well you do!
I decided it was time to see how well I could do at helping them. I began by changing the tempo and tenor of the conversation. Both of them were speaking rapidly, and when they didn't interrupt each other, they responded with no pause to reflect on what the other person had said. I spoke slowly.
You told me that Mendy has never been exposed to fast paced, highly stimulating activities like TV and video games. I wonder what it's like for him to observe your fast paced conversations, like the one I just saw you having.
Shaindy and I are very careful not to argue in front of him.
I'm sure you don't argue in front of him, and that's very important. But what about your general style of conversation with Shaindy? How does it show Mendy what it looks like to patiently pay close attention and think about what you're hearing? In parshas Ki Savo (27:9) there is a unique expression: "Haaskais" Haaskais is translated as "pay attention." The gemara in Brachos (63b) says Haaskais is a compound word. Haas means to be silent. Kasais means to break into pieces. The Torah Temimah explains that in order to understand something, or someone, you first need to learn "b'menucha u'margoah," in a calm and tranquil state of mind. Only then can you deeply and truly understand; be able see the pieces that make up the whole.
So you really think that Mendy's short attention span is our fault? You believe that because Chaim and I don't always listen to each other carefully and patiently, Mendy has learned to be impatient?
Shaindy, I am not trying to assign fault or to blame you or Chaim for anything. I have no way of knowing how Mendy's attention span got to be the way it is. You asked me to help you increase his attention span, and one way to do that is for you two to consciously show him what it looks like and sounds like to pay attention.
Then I gave the two of them some very specific homework to do.
The next time either of you sits down to read a story to Mendy, I want you to read two paragraphs and then say, "Wow, great listening, Mendy! Let's stop here and G-d willing, later on we'll read some more." What do you imagine is going to happen when you do that Shaindy?
I imagine that Mendy will ask me to read more. What should I do then?
Then, I would like you, Shaindy, to look him in the eye and say, "you can pay attention even longer, Mendy!? Okay, let's read some more." Read another two paragraphs, tell him you want to stop there, and see what happens.
A week later, they told me what happened. Shaindy did exactly what I suggested that she do. After every two paragraphs, Shaindy said they would stop there, Mendy asked her to continue, she told him how wonderfully he was doing at paying attention, and then she read two more paragraphs. This continued until the end of the entire, eight paragraph long, story. Later that evening, when Chaim came home, Shaindy told him, in Mendy's presence, how well Mendy had done at paying attention. It was nice of her to share the nachas and remind Mendy of his success.
I enjoyed the nachas, too. Because when Shaindy and Chaim told me this story, they spoke slowly and took turns, pausing to be sure the other one had completed his or her thought. They had really paid attention, and it made a difference for me, for them, and for their child.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
You don't want your child to be selfish. You want him to be concerned about other people. You want him to share his toys and take turns during games. You want him to help others when asked and sometimes offer his time and energy on behalf of others on his own, unsolicited. You teach him the importance of cooperation and how wonderful it is to go beyond cooperation to selflessness, to "be m'vatair," let someone else have it, let someone else win.
How wonderful is it to go beyond cooperation? How often is it appropriate for your child to let someone else win, when for your child it means he has to lose? When cooperation leads to compromise everyone accepts a new version of victory; everyone wins and no one loses. Neither party gets what they originally wanted. Both parties choose to accept something for each of them rather selfishly insisting on all for one and nothing for the other. But neither of them chooses to be selfless.
Is it really cooperation when one person gives in to the other? Yes or no? Or do we use the word cooperation when we really mean compliance or submission? Yes or no? These are yes or no questions that prevent us from finding the most accurate answer. Here's a better version of the question:
When is compliance or submission a form of cooperation? Answer: when someone chooses to be selfless.
As a parent, you teach your child about cooperation, compliance, selfishness, and selflessness. I deliberately included selfishness in that list in order to show you the contrast with selflessness. If it is sometimes appropriate for your child to be selfless, when is it appropriate for her to be selfish? If it is never appropriate for your child to be selfish, what is the alternative to selflessness?
To answer those questions, I would like to offer a bilingual play on the word "selfish." I offer you the concept of a Self Ish, a person who is conscious of three concerns: his responsibilities to himself, to Hashem, and to others. The Tiferes Yisrael (Avos 1:2) describes these three as the tachlis briyas ha'adam, the purpose for which we were created.
A Self Ish is never selfish out of malice or neglect. He sometimes chooses himself over someone else when compromise is unreachable. When he acts selflessly, it is not because he has lost his sense of self. He sometimes accepts the desires and demands of others, even at his own expense, because he has chosen to, not because he thinks he has no choice.
Think about the alternative. When you teach your child that she has no choice, and she believes you, she will submit and comply. If she's content with doing what she's told to do, she'll be fine as long as the people who are telling her what to do are acting in her best interest. What happens when she's told to do something that is not in her best interest? How will she even know what's not in her best interest if she's never been introduced to the idea that her best interest, her self, matters?
And when she complies because she been taught that she has to, and she's not content, how will she express her resentment, at whom, and for how long?
Here's how Mordechai expressed his.
Every time it gets close to Yom Tov, our kids ask us if we can just stay home because I'm always so grumpy when we go to my in-laws.
It sounds like a reasonable question, Mordechai. What's the answer?
I tell them that their mother will be very disappointed if we don't go to her parents, and that her parents expect us to come, so I don't have any choice in the matter. I don't like it, but we go anyway.
So you're not happy about going there. And once you get there you're grumpy; for how long?
Well, the kids describe it as grumpy. It's really that I don't want to be there so I guess I'm unhappy about it until we finally get to leave. How long? From erev Yom Kippur until after Simchas Torah. Long enough, don't you think?
What does your wife think, Mordechai? What does she think of perhaps spending only part of the time with your in-laws and part of the time somewhere else?
I've never asked her that. I don't think she wants to divide the time.
Are you sure that she wouldn't be willing to divide the time so you would be more comfortable with the situation? From what you're describing to me, your children might be happier with the situation too if you were less uncomfortable. They already told you that they'd rather stay home the whole time!
Mordechai is resentful and miserable, and everyone else's Yom Tov suffers along with him. All of this is the result of Mordechai's selflessness. He is giving to others despite himself, not from himself. He didn't give selflessly. He rendered himself selfless by discounting his own preferences and then blamed others for it. The resentment followed.
Mordechai can become a Self Ish. He can come to understand the difference between deciding to give even when it hurts versus letting people take because he's afraid to disappoint them. He can learn to choose when to be selfless, to give in to others at his own expense. Over time, I truly believe he will cultivate a far more comfortable relationship with himself, his wife, his children, and his in-laws.
How comfortable are you with teaching your child to be a Self Ish, to weigh her wants and feelings when measuring her response to requests from others? Do you think what I told Mordechai only applies to adults?
When I said it to him, he told me he understands and agrees with what I suggested. He added that it is very hard for him to imagine doing it. Because he learned as a child that you give others what they want. Now he feels guilty at the very idea of asserting himself if it means someone else won't be happy, or even less happy than they are when he says yes to everything they want.
That didn't surprise me. Hillel taught us that we need to think about ourselves as well as thinking about others, and then he said, "If not now, when?" The Rambam explains that if you don't acquire these traits when you are young, it will be very difficult to change and adopt them when you are older. He finds an allusion to this in the words of Mishlei, chanoch l'naar al pi darko, implying that the derech, the traits, for better or worse, that you instill in your child will stay with him and be difficult for him to change. Mordechai is finding it difficult. And he is changing.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
We know that Hashem cares about us and listens to us. Hashem knows what each of us needs, and has the ability to give us everything we want. As we approach the Yomim Noraim, we remind ourselves that Hashem takes note of everything we say and do and even what we think. We express this in the words of the dovening, yâmalei mishalos libeinu, âmay You fulfill the requests that are in our hearts,â and the words of the prophet, terem yikra-u vaâ ani eshma, âbefore you call out, I hear you.â Hashem hears (so to speak) our desires before we put them into words.
It would seem unnecessary to express our praise, thanks, or requests in the form of spoken prayers since Hashem already knows the praises, appreciation, and desires of our hearts. Yet Chazal teach us that Hashem desires our prayers. While we cannot understand that in a literal sense, we can attempt to understand what it means to us, what message it conveys.
There are messages in every tefila we say, in every word of praise, thanks, and request that we utter. Hashem already knows the message before we enunciate it. But the act of speaking the prayer sends a message to us. It speaks to us and changes how we speak to Hashem. It adds a second dimension to the concept of âheartfelt prayer.â
What praises do we feel in our hearts? What is the depth of appreciation for what Hashem has provided to us? Do we really know what our heart desires? In the peak moments of our lives, under the chuppa, at the birth of a child, at a bris or a daughterâs kiddush, our hearts are full and our prayers heartfelt. We are moved to express praise for Hashemâs awesome acts of kindness, and appreciation for the brachos we have received. We are taught that at such times of Hashemâs beneficence, it is appropriate to express our wants and needs. In these peak moments, we feel and know what our heart desires and our tefilos of praise, thanksgiving, and request are heartfelt, they come from the heart. Thatâs one dimension of the term heartfelt, and it describes our prayer in the peak moments of our lives.
Most of us spend most of our lives on plateaus. Peak moments are wonderful, inspiring, and rare. But the wonder is fleeting, the inspiration short-lived. Even when the rare event takes us to a new level of spirituality that we are able to sustain, that new level becomes the norm, it becomes ordinary. We plateau, and await a new peak experience to help us grow again.
Until we learn how to be inspired by the ordinary, to grow in awe and appreciation for what has become the norm. This is the second dimension of heartfelt prayer. To express praise and speak words of thanks every day for nothing special. Except that itâs all special, and every time we say it, we speak not only to Hashem, but to our hearts. We teach our hearts to feel. We train our hearts to be sensitive to the gifts and wonders of what we call ordinary only because we forget how extraordinary Hashemâs gift of every day, every person, every child, every one of us, truly is. This is the second dimension of heartfelt prayer; prayer that teaches our hearts to feel.
Chazal tell us that our hearts can be molded by our actions. For example, the miserly heart can become generous by repeated acts of giving. The key word here is ârepeated.â The Rambam and others make the point that to give a large sum of charity all at once does not have the same effect on the nature of the donor as giving small amounts repeatedly. (Rambam on Mishna Avos 3:18 hacohl lâfi rov hamaaseh; Orchos Tzadikim shaar ha-nâdivus quoted in Shulchan Aruch haMidos page 51) To perform a peak act of tzedaka is wonderful and may even be inspirational to those who witness it. It may stir them to similar acts of magnanimity. But to stir the soul of the donor, to change him from a person who sometimes gives charity into a charitable person, takes repetition.
The theme of selichos and the Yomim Noraim is teshuva, to affirm our awareness and acceptance of Hashem as our King and to return to our proper role in His service. The tefilos of selichos and the Yomim Noraim are stirring, awakening our hearts to truly feel the desire to do teshuva, to restore, and strengthen our commitment to Hashem. For many of us, the Yomim Noraim dovening is a peak experience that awakens our hearts. One of the mechanisms of that dovening is repetition. How many times do we say the Yud Gimel Middos? How many times do we repeat our praises, our thanks, and humbly ask for life and health, prosperity and peace? We know that Hashem heard us the first time. Hashem heard us before we spoke.
Yet Chazal teach us that Hashem, kaâviyachol, desires our prayers. Perhaps Hashem desires our prayers for what they tell us, how they affect us. Perhaps Hashem wants us to notice how much He cares, to feel in our hearts the extraordinary love that Hashem gives us between the peak moments as much as during them. Peak moments, dramatic events, impress us. Repetition changes us.
Some of us began to say selichos at the beginning of Elul. All of us began to sound the shofar. The season of teshuva continues at least until through Hoshana Rabba, more than a month and a half. How many times do we have to say these tefilos of teshuva? Why canât we just have a major day of teshuva, a peak teshuva experience? Why some much repetition?
Because teshuva is not something to do once a year. Itâs what we want to become all year long. The Hebrew term says it well. Chozair bâteshuva. Not chozaar bâteshuva, one who has done teshuva. Rather, Chozair bâtehuva, to be someone who does teshuva, who continually feels in his heart the desire to be closer and closer to Hashem. A heartfelt desire born of repeated expressions of praise, thanks, and requests that acknowledge that everything comes from Hashem.
The repetition changes us, and we grow during the ordinary times between the peak moments because we come to feel in our hearts how extraordinary every moment is. Repetition trains our hearts to feel Hashemâs love and want to be closer, every day. How many times? As many times as it takes to acknowledge all that Hashem gives. More than we can do in a lifetime.
May our tefilos for ourselves, our children, and klal Yisrael be accepted by Hashem, and may we always be Hashemâs nachas.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
When is a nachas note like a sledge hammer? When you bludgeon someone with it.
You thought nachas notes are innocuous? Theyâre actually quite powerful, and like most powerful things, they can be harmful when used improperly.
My weekly column is entitled Nachas Notes. I named the column after the Nachas Notebook⢠which I created many years ago. It has proven to be a powerful tool in building more effective parents and more successful children.
The Nachas Notebook⢠makes parents more effective at building their childâs motivation to succeed at meeting expectations. It does not require preparing charts, offering rewards or incentives, or threatening any types of punishment. Parents who use the Nachas Notebook⢠properly, consistently tell me that they are amazed at the difference it makes in their homes.
Here are some comments Iâve received about the Nachas Notebook:â¢
I have seen an amazing change in my relationship with my son.
I have gotten into the habit of accentuating the positive and it makes the negatives less stressful.
I am getting much less resistance from my daughter since I have been doing a Nachas Notebook⢠for her.
In the two weeks that Iâve been writing a Nachas Notebook⢠there has been much less contrariness. I feel like Iâm climbing up and out of the negativity soup.
If the Nachas Notebook⢠has nothing to do with prizes or punishments, how does it work? It works on the adage ânothing succeeds like success,â or as noted educators Jim Fay and David Funk expressed it, âthe primary element that pushes us on to further achievement is a feeling of success.â (Teaching With Love & Logic, page 208) When you notice and knowledge your childâs success, you motivate him to succeed again and to achieve even more.
Many parents have told me how well this works. Thatâs called anecdotal evidence. Parents have described their experiences with the Nachas Notebook⢠and believe in its efficacy even though they havenât conducted a formal study to demonstrate it.
Behavioral Economics professor Dan Ariely didnât conduct a formal study of the Nachas Notebook⢠either. He did study the power of acknowledgment. He measured the efficacy of far more subtle acknowledgement than the Nachas Notebook⢠teaches you to express.
He told the members of 3 groups of graduate students that they would be paid a token sum for finding instances where the letter S was followed by another letter S on a sheet of paper full of sequences of letters. They had to find all 10 pairs of Sâs on a sheet to be paid for that sheet, and could do as many sheets as they wanted to. They were told to hand in each completed sheet before beginning another one. Each groupâs instructions were the same, except that only the 1st group was told to write their name on each sheet. The participants didnât know that 3 different conditions were being tested, tested by what happened when they handed in the sheets.
The first group was called the âacknowledged conditionâ because when they handed each of their completed sheets to the experimenter, she looked at it carefully, nodded her approval, and placed it upside down on a pile of completed sheets. When a member of the second group, the âignored condition,â handed in a sheet, the experimenter placed it on the pile without looking at it. When each participant in the third group handed in a completed sheet of paper, the experimenter, without looking at it, immediately fed it into a shredder. That was called the âshredded condition.â And it shredded the motivation of the members of that group. Members of the shredded condition group completed on average 6.34 sheets, compared with 9.03 sheets for members of the âacknowledged group.â That was what you would expect. Noticing someoneâs accomplishment motivates them to accomplish more. What I didnât expect was the outcome for the âignored condition.â The members of that group averaged 6.77 sheets, almost the same as the members of âshredded conditionâ group. (The Upside of Irrationality, pages 74-76)
Think about what that means. It means that ignoring your childâs accomplishment is tantamount to taking her accomplishment and shredding it, telling her that what she did is of no value at all.
Saying nothing to your child when he does somewhat well is often interpreted by him to mean that he didnât do anything worthy of comment. He may be reading you correctly. You may have thought that if you withhold comment your child will be motivated to do even better. Actually, you have reduced his motivation almost as severely as if you had told him that his partial success was worthless. Ignoring an accomplishment is tantamount to disparaging one. Even when you think your child should feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment without your acknowledgement of what he has done, he may not.
Your child may not see the value intrinsic to an expectation you want him to meet. It may be as meaningless to him as the task Dr. Ariel assigned to his three groups. Every time you tell your child that someday he will realize why youâre asking him to do what youâre asking him to do, you can be sure that he doesnât realize it right now. Every time you say, âthis is for your own good,â they donât see whatâs good about it. If they did, you wouldnât be saying it. Most children do develop intrinsic motivation to varying degrees at various points in their lives. So do most adults. We all benefit from extrinsic motivation most of the time. The Nachas Notebook⢠teaches parents how to do provide it and makes it a habit. Extrinsic motivation works best when provided frequently and over long periods of time.
To recap, the Nachas Notebook⢠is based on motivational research, and supported by the anecdotal reports of many parents who have found it to be a powerful tool in helping them and their children to succeed.
A simple nod resulted in increased motivation compared with no acknowledgement at all. Your Nachas Notebook⢠entries record more effective expressions of acknowledgement. How do you formulate a nachas note to be more effective? When do you share Nachas Notebook⢠entries with your child?
And how can a nachas note be like a sledge hammer with which you bludgeon someone? How can that happen?
G-d willing, weâll explain how next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
The Nachas Notebook⢠which I created many years ago has proven to be a powerful tool in building more effective parents and more successful children.
The Nachas Notebook⢠is based on the principle of hakoras hatov, noticing and acknowledging when your child does something well. There are at least three benefits to building your habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.â¢
These are some of the benefits that parents have told me they have seen from their work with the Nachas Notebook.⢠Theyâve told me that it requires serious effort until it becomes a habit. And theyâve told me that it is well worth it.
I explained all this to Lana and Lipa Lefkowitz.* They both looked skeptical. He looked at his wife and asked her if she was willing to try it. She said she was if he would do it also. With a modicum of enthusiasm, he acquiesced.
Okay, weâll try it. What are we supposed to do, how do we do it?
You begin by each of you buying a notebook and writing on the cover âChanaâs Nachas Notebook.â Over the course of the next week I want each of you to write at least four nachas notes in your notebook. Each nachas note has two components. The first component of each note is what Chana did that you considered a success. The second component is what you said to her to acknowledge her success. You write down what you saw her do and what you said to her when you saw her do it. Letâs practice right now. Give me an example of something that Chana did over the past few days that you considered a success and tell me what you said to her.
Okay, Lipa, go ahead, tell him something that you praised Chana about recently.
You tell him something, Lana. You spend a lot more time with her than I do.
Youâre right, I spend a lot more time telling her to stop doing things she knows she shouldnât be doing, and trying to get her to do the things sheâs supposed to do. I donât have much energy left to praise her about anything.
What do you think about that, Lana? What you think about having no energy left to say something positive to your daughter?
Itâs terrible, I know it is, and it has to stop.
Lana, I would rather you think about it as something else you wish to start. A very good start would be to work at doing a Nachas Notebook⢠for Chana.
I understand how it could be helpful. I just canât think of anything particularly successful that Chana does that I could write a nachas note about.
Letâs start the other way, Lana. Tell me some examples of things that Chana does that are unsuccessful, that you do comment on.
Where do I begin? If I ask her to clean up her room, sheâll put her clothing away but there are still books and papers all over her desk. If I ask her to set the table, she will forget the glasses, or the dessert forks, or something. Iâve tried not commenting on it to see if sheâll figure it out on her own and get the job done, but she never does.
Lana, what does Chanaâs face look like when you comment on her failing to complete the jobs you just described?
She looks unhappy.
I suspect that when youâre telling her that she didnât complete one of those jobs your face also looks unhappy.
Yes I suppose it does.
Youâre both unhappy. When you develop the habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.⢠you will both be unhappy less often. Here is how you would formulate nachas notes in each of the two situations you described. When she has cleaned her room to the extent of putting her clothing away, you would tell Chana that she did a great job of hanging up her skirts and folding her sweaters and putting them in the drawers. Then you would ask her to put away the books and papers from her desk as soon as she gets the chance to. When you notice that the table is set without glasses, you would comment on how carefully she placed the flatware next to the plates and how neatly she folded the napkins. And then you would ask her to put out the glasses. I think you and Chana will not look unhappy when you express yourself this way. What do you think?
I think I would feel and sound better about the situation, and I guess she would too. But what would I write in the Nachas Notebook?â¢
You would write, âChana set the table very neatly. I said to her, âyou set the table really carefully, Chana. Please put the glasses on the table, too.ââ
If you want to add âIâm proud of you,â thatâs fine as long as it is secondary. The primary message is that Chana has done something well.
And never turn her Nachas Notebook.⢠against her.
How could that happen?
It could happen if the following week she didnât set the table as carefully. If you were to say to her âlast week you set the table neatly, why didnât you this time?â you would be using her nachas note against her.
But she did set it carefully last week so obviously she could have the next time, also. Why shouldnât I point that out to her?
Because you risk teaching her to be afraid to do her best. Hereâs what I mean. I want you to teach her that good performance is worthy of acknowledgement and excellent performance is even better. If you wield her Nachas Notebook⢠the way you described you may teach her that her that any excellent performance will become the minimum you expect from her and any less is a failure. That may teach her to fear success.
You thought nachas notes are innocuous? Theyâre actually quite powerful, and like most powerful things, they can be harmful when used improperly. Use them well, and you will learn how to notice nachas thatâs already there, and motivate your child to achieve even more.
*Not their real names.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
