Weekly Q&A as published in Yated Ne'eman
Dear Therapist: We have an older single son who is a wonderful person, baruch Hashem. He is kind, capable, and wants to do the right thing. At the same time, he still turns to us for help with many decisions and responsibilities.This includes bigger questions, like work or learning, but also basic things like appointments, paperwork, follow-through, or handling everyday situations. He is not lazy or careless. He just seems unsure of himself a …
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Dear Therapist: I notice a pattern in myself. Whenever there is a new beginning, I feel motivated. After Yom Tov, a new zman, Rosh Chodesh, a new schedule, a new limud, a new program, I suddenly feel like this time I am going to get things together.For a little while, it really works. I feel energized and focused. But then regular life settles back in. The excitement wears off, the days become busy and ordinary, and I lose the drive. Before l …
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Dear Therapist: Our son (age 11) is a wonderful boy, and outside the house we always hear great things about him. His rebbeim and teachers describe him as respectful, cooperative, mature, and easy to deal with.The problem is that sometimes my husband and I sit there wondering if we are talking about the same child.At home, he can be moody, demanding, and very hard to please. He argues over simple things, gets upset quickly, and often seems to …
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Dear Therapist: My wife has some serious health concerns, including high cholesterol and high sugar. Her doctors have recommended medication and lifestyle changes, but she does not really follow through. She has many reasons why she does not want to take the medication, and the doctors are clearly frustrated.As her husband, I am very worried. Our children are also frustrated because we all see her becoming less healthy, but whenever we bring …
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Dear Therapist: I have a question about parenting an older child who is not really a child anymore.Let’s say a son or daughter is leaving the teenage years and starting to make choices that the parents are not comfortable with. For example, the way they dress may be very different from what the parents had hoped for.As a parent, it is very hard to just watch. You feel worried, disappointed, maybe even embarrassed, and part of you wants to s …
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Dear Therapist: I’ve done a lot of work on myself over the years. I feel like I’ve become more mature, more grounded, and more aware of my patterns. Baruch Hashem, I have my own family now and I generally feel like a different person than I used to be.But when we go back to family for Yom Tov, I sometimes feel like I fall right back into my old self. My family is wonderful, and nothing bad is happening. Still, I become more sensitive, mor …
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Dear Therapist: I’m a high school girl, and at the end of last year one of my teachers said something that stayed with me. She told me, “I know you didn’t like my class, but I really enjoyed having you.”The thing is that I actually did like her class. I thought she was a good teacher, and I never meant to give off the impression that I didn’t care or didn’t like it.Since then, I keep wondering what she saw that made her think that …
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Dear Therapist: Baruch Hashem, I recently got engaged to a wonderful girl, and things are going very well. I am very grateful, but something has been bothering me.During my years in bais medrash, I was never really the guy people sought out. I learned in a large oilam, but I mostly kept to myself and often felt overlooked. It was not that people disliked me, but I rarely felt like my presence made much of a difference.Now my kallah …
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Dear Therapist: Our son had a rough start in mesivta, but over time he really grew and did very well, baruch Hashem. He is now going to a quality beis medrash that we, and he, feel is a very good opportunity for him.The issue is that the dress code and rules there are a little more mainstream than what he is used to. In every other way, he seems ready for the place, but he is having a hard time with this part. On the outside it …
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Dear Therapist: I have a good marriage, baruch Hashem, and we have been married for several years. Finances have been tight for a while, and over the past few years I have slowly built up a significant amount of debt. It is not completely out of control, but it is serious enough that it needs to be dealt with.I am trying hard to work on it, but my wife does not really know the full picture. I realize that if we are going to make a real plan, …
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Dear Therapist: Our daughter is starting high school after a difficult social experience in elementary school. She is a good girl, but she never really found her place and often felt left out.Baruch Hashem she [YL1] is going to a school that may be a better fit for her, and we are hoping this can be a fresh start. At the same time, we worry that after years of feeling left out, she may come in nervous, guarded, or expecting things to go …
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Dear Therapist: With summer here, I keep thinking about how much effort we put into making sure kids are never bored. Camps, trips, activities, playdates, projects. The minute a child says, “I’m bored,” parents feel like they have to fix it. I wonder if we are missing something. Is it so terrible for kids to be bored sometimes? I was bored as a kid, and I think I managed. Where does this pressure come from? How much should paren …
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Dear Therapist: Our 8-year-old daughter is in day camp and keeps calling home saying she feels nauseous. She also goes to the nurse because she is scared she is going to throw up. She does like camp, though she gets a little nervous about it, and we assume what she is feeling is related to that. Otherwise, she is a happy, healthy child, both physically and emotionally. We are never sure how to help her with this. We cannot pick her up every day, …
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Dear Therapist: Our 13-year-old son has never really wanted to go to camp. Every year he asks if he can stay home, and now that summer is approaching, he is asking again. He has gone the past two years, and although he felt this way beforehand, he ended up liking it once he was there. Part of us feels he should push himself to go. At the same time, we wonder if camp simply is not a good fit for him. We are also concerned about what staying home w …
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Dear Therapist: Our teenage son is struggling. He sleeps a lot of the day, is not doing well in yeshiva, and several people who know him are worried that he seems depressed. The confusing part is that he insists he is fine. He says everyone is overreacting and does not understand why people are so worried. What we are trying to understand is how someone who is clearly not doing well can be so disconnected that he thinks that everything is fine. C …
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Dear Therapist: I am writing about a young man who has been trying hard to find a job. He is capable and responsible, but he is naturally quiet and somewhat shy. He has gone on a number of interviews that did not lead anywhere, and he is starting to worry that something about the way he comes across is holding him back. The more it happens, the more self-conscious he becomes, which only seems to make things harder. How much can nervousness or shy …
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Dear Therapist: Our 17-year-old son struggles with ADHD and also has very low self-esteem. He recently told us that he wants to work on his confidence and how he feels about himself. The challenge is that much of his frustration seems to come from difficulties with organization, follow-through, and daily functioning. He does not have much interest in working on practical strategies. We sometimes feel that his low self-esteem is a result of not fu …
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Dear Therapist: I feel like eating disorders can be hard to recognize early because they do not always look extreme at first. Someone close to me has become much more focused and rigid around food and eating habits, and I am not sure what is normal and what is cause for concern. Since nothing looks severe from the outside, it is hard to know when people should start paying attention. What are some signs that eating behaviors may be becoming unhea …
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Dear Therapist: I have struggled with anxiety and depression on and off for years. Recently, after a stressful medical situation, my symptoms became worse, and I returned to therapy. My therapist has recommended medication. I have always been somewhat hesitant because of concerns about side effects and personality changes. My husband is also strongly opposed to medication, believing it can alter personality and cause emotional “numbness.&rd …
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Dear Therapist: We have a teenage son who has been struggling. He has become moody, angry, and seems depressed. We are trying to take the right steps and have gotten help from a therapist and psychologist, who have said he is dealing with depression. Recently, someone in his school told us they strongly believe that with the way he is doing, there must have been some kind of trauma, and that this is where this is all coming from. That has left us …
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Dear Therapist: My husband recently lost his mother. They were very close, and he has taken it very hard. He is the youngest in the family, and she was niftar relatively young and suddenly. I’ve been trying to support him, but I’m not sure what is helpful. At times I try to lift his mood or help him move forward, but it does not seem to land well. At the same time, I hear that grieving needs space, and that trying to move on …
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Dear Therapist: I’m writing about my father-in-law, who is in his mid-seventies. He has significant health issues, including serious kidney problems that may require dialysis, and it has been very hard on him. He is still sharp, but we believe he is depressed. He has always had somewhat of a low disposition, but now it feels like it is really affecting his day-to-day life. We are wondering how best to help. At this stage in life, is psychot …
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Dear Therapist: I’m currently engaged, and baruch Hashem things seem to be going very well. At the same time, I hear people say that these days many don’t really understand what makes a marriage work, and that there are misconceptions that only become clear later on. Everything feels good now, but I’m aware that engagement is not the same as real life. I’m trying to go in with open eyes and realistic expecta …
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Dear Therapist: I’m a single girl and trying to make the most of this stage of life, but it’s not always easy. There are times I feel fine and busy, and other times I feel anxious, lonely, or just stuck. I want to be able to live a full life now and not feel like I’m just waiting for the next stage. At the same time, it’s hard not to compare myself to others or feel left behind. What are some practical ways to live fully d …
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Dear Therapist: I teach 10th grade and have a student who is a sweet, good boy, but struggles with learning. The challenge is that he is very inflexible. Once he makes up his mind, he will not change it, even when it is clearly not working. It is almost impossible to reason with him, and any attempt to talk it through turns into a shutdown or argument. Is this part of his personality or his struggles? And how can I work with him without it becomi …
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Dear Therapist: When our daughter was in high school, the school strongly encouraged us to send her to therapy. This was due to her behavior but mostly because the school saw an anger in her that they were concerned about. We followed through and invested a lot of time and money, but she did not really take it seriously. When we were able to speak with the therapist at the time, we were told her commitment was not really there. Now she is home fr …
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Dear Therapist: I teach in a mesivta for boys who have struggled in the past. I have a talmid who is a good boy with real potential. He is always starting something big. He’ll decide he’s waking up at 5:00 a.m. to run, or taking on an intense learning schedule, or some ambitious new goal. It sounds impressive, but it never lasts. After a short time, he burns out and feels down, and then another big plan takes its p …
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Dear Therapist: Every year after Purim I find myself thinking the same thing. When I drink a little, I feel like my real personality comes out. I’m more relaxed, more open, funnier, more confident. I talk more easily and feel less in my head. The next day, I always feel a little unsettled. Not because I did anything terrible, but because I wonder why I can’t be that way the rest of the year. Normally I’m more reserved and overth …
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Dear Therapist: I’ve always taken pride in being someone others can rely on. Lately, though, I find myself agreeing to things even when I don’t have the capacity and then scrambling or canceling later. How can someone who genuinely wants to help others learn to set clear, sustainable boundaries and say no earlier, without guilt or damaging relationships? Response: A key word in your question is “wants.” You say that …
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Dear Therapist: I was recently researching therapists for someone with significant difficulties related to her mother. In the process, I came across the name of the mother of a childhood friend, which stood out because my friend had a very difficult relationship with her which led to serious issues. This raised some big questions for me. If a therapist has struggled profoundly in the very relational area they specialize in, how should that …
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Dear Therapist: I used to be more emotional when hearing about hard things. I would say Tehillim, give tzedakah, and really feel what was going on. But lately, I feel like nothing gets through. I hear the stories, and of course I know it’s terrible, but I don’t feel it. I wind up pretending. Maybe there is too much going on, but it has become harder to care, and I don’t like how detached I have become. Is this anorma …
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Dear Therapist: Our dear son, baruch Hashem, is married and the father of several young children. He is exemplary in every way. The only issue is that he is seriously overweight. As his mother, I’m concerned about his health and wellbeing. I don’t want to overstep or damage the beautiful relationship I have with him, which I truly cherish. But I am seriously concerned. What can I do? Response: As parents, we n …
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Dear Therapist: I’ve always been an anxious person. Baruch Hashem, I recently got engaged. She is a good girl and on paper things make sense. There are things that make me uneasy, but I honestly can’t tell if they’re real concerns or just my anxiety talking. I feel like I pushed myself through the anxiety to get engaged, and now that things are more real, I’m back in that anxious mode again. How do I …
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Dear Therapist: All of our kids are married now, baruch Hashem. They’re settled, busy building their own homes. I am grateful for where they are holding. When they were younger, even when they were adults but still around, I still felt like part of their lives. They’d call about little things, ask my opinion, check in, come by more often. Lately I get the feeling I am not really needed anymore. Maybe I overstepped or maybe they just w …
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Dear Therapist: At a recent family simcha, I overheard a close relative say something about my son. They didn’t realize I was nearby, and they made a comment about how he is a sweet kid but a little off. My son is 8. He’s sensitive, thoughtful, and has his own way of seeing the world. But I’ve never seen it as a problem. Just part of who he is. I was hurt. I also I keep wondering if other people see him that way too? Is it …
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Dear Therapist: My son is a great boy, kind, sincere, and easygoing. He recently got engaged, and baruch Hashem the kallah seems like an excellent girl. One thing I’ve noticed over the years is that he can be a little absent-minded. He forgets small things sometimes. But now that he’s engaged, I’ve seen a few moments where he forgot to follow up on something he told his kallah, or didn’t realize how somethin …
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Dear Therapist: My wife and I have been married five years, baruch Hashem, and we have two wonderful children. When we got engaged, her plan was to become a social worker, and she was also doing some photography on the side. That played a big part in how I understood her goals. Soon after the chasuna, she stopped college, and within a year she stopped photography too. She’s been working a part-time remote job since then, but now she&rs …
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Dear Therapist: My wife has close friends, and she isn’t shy. But I notice that she avoids big events. Simchos, Shabbos meals with new people, even shul. She will come up with an excuse not to go. She doesn’t say it’s anxiety, just that it’s “too much,” or that she’s not in the mood. She always has been like this to a degree, but it is getting worse recently. Is it possible to be a sociable person bu …
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Dear Therapist: I’ve been feeling really off physically for a long time, beyond regular tired. My whole body hurts some days, or just feels heavy, like I’m walking through water. I’ve seen doctors, done blood work, they always say nothing’s wrong or just say “maybe it's stress.” This isn’t just stress. I crash after normal things like taking the kids to the park or making Shabbos and it’s not normal …
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Dear Therapist: Thank you for your informative and insightful column. I am reaching out for guidance regarding my 15-year-old daughter, who has been experiencing motor tics for several years. The tics have followed a fluctuating course, typically appearing for a period of time and then resolving for several months. There have been intervals of up to six months without any symptoms, followed by sudden recurrences, often in connection with identifi …
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