Many dynamics come into play when siblings fight. Sibling rivalry can be attributed, but not limited to, jealousy, low self-esteem, vying for parental attention, or just boredom. One child tends to be more aggressive than another and gets disciplined more frequently. The natural response is to address the aggressor first, thereby providing negative attention. The victim may fight back, cry out or tattle, and will gain attention as well. Children in the family may take turns being the aggressor and the victim.
Teasing usually leads to a full-fledged fight. As teasing and fighting escalate, a parent must stop the aggressor by setting limits and creating consequences. A mother I once worked with described her present relationship with her adult brother: "We tease each other a lot. I wish my mother had stopped us as kids."
As important as it is to support the victim and keep him safe, it is just as important to help the aggressor control his urge to tease. Children don't feel good about themselves when they tease. They are more likely to feel guilty than satisfied when they hurt someone else, but are at a loss as to how to stop themselves. The aggressor needs to know that his parents are protecting him against the urge to tease and teaching him how to stop. The victim needs to know his parents are protecting him from getting hurt, learn to control the urge to cry out, ignore some of the teasing, and gain assertiveness skills.
Children learn to control their behavior when limits and consequences are in place and new or alternate behavior is modeled. '1,2,3 Magic, by Dr. Thomas Phelan, is an excellent book to help parents learn how to set limits and implement consequences for children ages two-12. Setting limits helps the aggressor learn that his parents are able to keep him safe from the negative impulses that are causing him to tease. This safety creates a level of calm a child needs to feel secure in his environment.
One common response to the victim is to say, "It's nothing. He's only teasing. Don't be so sensitive." But for the child who is being teased, it is something. It is something that hurts, annoys, and belittles him.
A common response to the aggressor is, "Why do you always have to do that? Can't you leave your sister alone?" But a child doesn't have answers to these questions, so it is useless asking them. On the other hand, tuning into the child's experience by using reflective listening is very helpful.
To the victim one might say:
"You don't like when your sister calls you names."
"It is very annoying when someone grabs your stuff away."
"Hitting hurts."
To the aggressor:
"I think you are trying to tell your sister something. What is it?"
"Teasing hurts. How can you say that differently?"
"I see you really wanted your brother's food. No grabbing without permission."
Once limits and consequences are in place, you can model appropriate responses by giving your children the words to use.
For the victim:
"Say, please stop that, I don't like when you call me ____."
"Say, please ask me before you touch my stuff."
"Say, hitting hurts."
For the aggressor:
"Rather than hitting, say, I am upset you messed up my game."
"Ask permission, can I use your markers?"
"Request politely, can I have one of your cookies?"
Some families conduct a meeting when there is a problem that affects family members. At the family meeting, any family member can state a problem; for example, mother can say, "I noticed that Sam tends to tease Ann, who then screams." If the setting is kept calm and accepting, children will be able to air their concerns freely. Suggestions are made and voted upon by all family members who are present, with the parents retaining the right to veto. Suggestions may include, "Sam and Ann should play in separate rooms." The power of having the input of the entire family increases cooperation.
Teasing is an aggressive form of affection and is the most common form of sibling rivalry. Accept a minimal amount of teasing as normal. Teasing is a way of interacting with others. Some parents say, "They are brothers, they should love each other." But when children are young, they are vying for their parents' attention and don't know how to interact with their rivals appropriately. As much as they may love each other, it is very hard for them to show their affection, and their interactions will appear aggressive. Rather than demand that they show affection to each other, demand that they be civil: No hurting anyone else, no touching other children's stuff without permission, and asking for something politely are examples of being respectful. As your children mature and reach adulthood, you may be pleasantly surprised how they will form very close relationships with each other because they learned how to be civil and polite, and their need for parental attention has diminished.
Chaya Tauber, LCSW is the founder and supervisor of the Parent Support Program at Integrated Treatment Services and is employed as a mental health consultant for Head Start. She directs Parent Support Groups and provides guidance to school staff regarding the social and behavioral development of children. She received postgraduate training in the treatment of adolescents at the Postgraduate Center for Mental Health, a psychoanalytic institute, and is bilingual Yiddish-speaking. She can be reached at (347) 701-9185 or [email protected].