As societal norms continue to creep into Orthodox Jewish society, the plague of internet addiction to pornography has now begun surfacing in the Torah world as well.

Rabbi Yehoshua Shapira, Dean of the prestigious Ramat Gan Yeshiva, estimates that 80 to 97% of Internet users in the modern Orthodox community have fallen victim to the porn epidemic and will occasionally seek out pornographic sites. He maintains that the temptation is so great to look at forbidden material that a person should not sit down at a computer alone.  With the advance of technology and the ease of availability, this temptation has become a daily struggle for many religious Jews from across the spectrum to remain upright even in their own homes. To protect our children we must become aware of the insidiousness of this predicament and encourage everyone to get involved.

For years, this subject was taboo and many in the Yeshiva world preferred to "stick their heads in the sand."   However, as the phenomenon of Internet addiction continues to take its toll in the frum community, Rabbanim, Roshei Yeshivos and Orthodox Counselors are now alerted to the fact that this disease is wrecking marriages, destroying families and wasting thousands of dollars that could be put to use for much greater, nobler causes.

Rabbi Aharon Kotler said many years ago regarding this matter: "I want to awaken you to a painful and shocking matter about which many people err. There are many people whom refrain from speaking about these things under the pretext of modesty. May Heaven help us! In such a fallen and licentious generation as ours, where everything is exposed without shame in the open - to speak about holiness and modesty, this is considered an affront to modesty?!  Can there be a greater deception on the part of the evil inclination than this?! On the contrary, it is an absolute obligation to speak about these matters in public!"

The Internet Is Just Part of the Problem

The internet is just part of the problem.  Yaakov* (all names changed to protect anonymity), attended prestigious Yeshivos in both Eretz Yisroel and America.  He spent 9 years learning in Kollel.  Pornography had always been a problem.  But usually it didn't stop there.  The addiction to pornography is so insidious, it becomes progressive.  What used to be enticing and exciting, becomes boring and the addict needs new, and more adventuresome avenues to explore.  But clearly, the Internet, reduces the shame and guilt one has at being discovered on the street, when it is so accessible privately in one's home or office.

Sexual addiction is a relational compulsive behavior which interferes with normal living and causes conflicts within one's self, family, friends, loved ones and work.  Addicts are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to preserve and continue searching for a spiritual and emotional connection."

 Addiction is an illness of escape into fantasy.  Individuals can begin to heal by working on mindfulness, regulating their emotions, becoming more effective communicators and learning how to minimize the effects of stress and resentment in their lives.
 

What Causes This Disease?

Most addictive behavior stems from a strict, authoritarian home environment where the child does not have his own voice, is severely criticized, abused or emotionally abandoned and does not feel worthy of pleasure.   It can also stem from an environment where a child's emotions are not validated.  Only acting out sexually or with fantasy can this person override the inhibitions to pleasure.  The appeal of connection, whether real or imagined is so strong that the addict will turn to fantasy to relieve the pain of not being worthy of pleasure.  This is often the appeal of pornography.

Why People Cannot Stop

Ahron*, who first encountered pornography when he was 10 or 11 was always considered a "good bochur".  He writes, "I went to another Yeshiva and spent my night seder listening to recorded shiurim on tapes, which never actually played.  Instead pornographic radio talk shows absorbed my night while an open Gemorra sat in front of me.  The interesting thing is that I can recall thinking,' Oh, I can handle pornography.  I'm in control.  Obviously that was the Yetzer Hora talking, not me.  I obviously couldn't handle it.  In fact I was a lot weaker and very vulnerable."  

The forces of temptation caused by the Yetzer Hara are so strong the Talmud (Succah 52a) says,"A person's yetzer hara grows stronger every day, and if Hashem would not help the person, he could never overcome it."  When this particular addiction is a person's nisoyan, he cannot overcome it, no matter how hard he tries without Hashem's help.

Marriage Expectations

In the frum world today, bochurim and adults don't know where to turn.  Most walk around feeling they are the only ones who live with this taboo secret they want so desperately to stop.  Many teenagers who suffer silently for years think that if they could just get married, the urges will stop and they can begin to do a complete Teshuva.  But it usually doesn't work that way.   Marriage can sometimes make the situation worse. Because when a spouse finds out it is almost always a devastating blow to their self image.  Spouses feel it is their fault, that if they would have just done things differently, their spouse wouldn't have to look elsewhere. Here's what a wife, Rivka, had to say, 2 years after almost getting divorced, upon finding her husband's addiction.

"As Tzvi* spoke about these changes in our marriage, I stepped back from the lime-light and took a look at him for a long moment. In him, I saw a man who had unveiled a terrible and omnipresent temptation; a man who had faced his own humanity and sinfulness; a man who had chosen to fall in the arms of G-d and obey Him step by step, even when the choices were tough. This was a new man: a new husband who inspired me to become a new wife, one who would honor G-d, respect her husband, listen to wise counsel, and immerse herself in a family and community that would help her to build her home well.

With professional help, spouses come to understand that it is not because of them that their spouse has an addiction; it is a disease unlike any other, yet private.

 
The Road to Recovery

Rabbi Dr. Twersky is a strong advocate of the 12-step programs for people who have fallen into addictive behavior. In his book, Self-Improvement? I'm Jewish?, Rabbi Twersky makes a strong case for every Jew to use the 12 steps to overcome self-defeating behavior.

A reader of the http://GuardYourEyes.com forum once asked Rabbi Twersky, "Why can't I stop this addiction by learning the classical mussar seforim?  Rabbi Twersky answered: "I have attended many mussar shiurim. Everybody understands the importance of mussar, but I doubt if many people walk away with the feeling, "If I deviate from this, I'm dead!" A person sincere in recovery realizes that his very life depends on following the program, not theoretically, but very practically. If people would accept mussar that way, it would work. No one in any mussar shiur I attended has ever spoken up and said, "I tried to do things my way, and I fell right back into my old ways. That helps bring home the message that one's life depends on following the program.  No one in a mussar shiur shares strength, hope and courage.  These things are what makes the difference."

The Therapy Option

While the 12 step programs are the foundation for recovery, many addicts find they need more intense therapy to work through abuse, neglect and trauma issues.  Most clients are able to heal from these issues by getting in touch with their core emotions. This involves working toward not just cessation of unhealthy behaviors but a life of emotional sobriety, trauma reparation, forgiveness and inner child work.

Shmiras Habris

Why is purity in these areas so important in Judaism? Our sages call Shmiras Habris "Yesod", meaning "Foundation". The foundation of a building is "underground" and no one sees it, yet it holds up the entire building! Shmiras Habris is the hidden part of a Jew, it's the real you. If the foundation of a Jew is weak, his whole spiritual structure is fragile and in grave danger of collapse.

The strengthened awareness of these resources hopefully will inaugurate a first time joining together, for ourselves and for all future generations, to strengthen the foundations of our people!
 

Allan Katz, M.S. has a Masters Degree in Rehabilitation Counseling, working toward licensure and his certification as a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist with the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals. He is the author of Mask in the Mirror, a motivational book for healing from sexual compulsivity. (http://allanjkatz.com). For the past 4 years he has been the moderator of the U.S. hotline for religious Jews suffering from sexual compulsivity and Internet addiction as well as a phone group leader with Guard Your Eyes.com.   He delivers lectures and workshops nationwide to schools, synagogues and organizations who want to spread awareness and protect their members from this epidemic which is destroying the moral fabric of our people. He can be reached at [email protected] or at 901-359-8299.

Copyright Allan J. Katz, 2020