Is Sex as an Obligation Part of Sex Addiction?

There is a distinct difference between healthy sex and sexual abuse and addiction. Many people think of sexual addiction as something obsessive and compulsive which happens online or outside the bedroom with other people.  But there is a common thread within the household that rears the ugly head of addiction and that is sex as an obligation. “I did this for you, you owe me sex.”

According to the McKinley Health Center at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, “healthy sexuality is positive and enriches our lives.  Healthy sexuality allows us to enjoy and control our sexual behavior without guilt, fear or shame.” 

Wendy Maltz developed the CERTS model for healthy sex. It includes consent, equality, respect, trust and safety.  Healthy sex is a natural drive of choice, an expression of love, private, respectful, mutual, safe and enhancing of who you are.  Unhealthy sex in the form of abuse or addiction is an obligation, hurtful, manipulative, exploitive, emotionally distant and benefits only one person.

A man comes home from work, tired, depressed, angry and stressed out.  He wants to have sex to feel better.  But his wife looks at him and says, “you’re tired, depressed, angry and stressed out, why would I want to have sex with you?”   It can’t be a one way street.

It’s the difference between intensity and intimacy.  Sex addicts have an intimacy disorder.  It’s easier for them to fantasize about an erotic picture online than be vulnerable enough to be intimate with their partner.

Keeping score with sex as the “prize” is not intimacy, it’s manipulative and unsafe for the partner and simply feeds the egocentric narcissism of the addict.

Allan J. Katz, LPC/CSAT is co-author with Michele Saffier of the book, Ambushed by Betrayal: The Survival Guide for Betrayed Partners on their Heroes’ Journey to Healthy Intimacy.

Copyright Allan J. Katz, 2020