The Trauma of Internet Infidelity

One of the justifications of people who view inappropriate material on the Internet is that they are not hurting anyone.  After all, it’s just images, no one else knows.  However, when you look deeper you begin to realize that cybersex is indeed affecting your relationship with your spouse, children, even yourself.   When they finally get caught by their spouse, or their children walk in on them, they automatically jump on the defensive, insisting they are a good person, they just have a taivah (lust) for these things and it has nothing to do with anyone else.  Or does it? 

Consider the story of Adam, a fictitious person who represents a typical example of what is happening in the frum world today. The Shidduch is suggested and Adam finally goes out on a date.  He’s been taught in Yeshiva that girls are the “enemy.”  You cannot look at them, talk to them, have a Shabbos meal with them, but you are expected to know how to communicate with them on a date. In the meantime, the parents are checking each other out to make sure Adam, who is going to learn in Kollel, finds the perfect girl: thin, beautiful, with impeccable middos. And she is expected to sacrifice to support her husband who is learning L’Shaim Shomayim (for Heaven’s Sake).  Or either one of the parents is wealthy enough to support them.

They finally get married and mazel tov, the next year they have their first child.  Three years later they have two children.  Adam’s beautifully thin bride has now gained some weight after having two children and Adam’s dream of the perfect girl lasting forever, is now shattered.  He becomes frustrated and depressed and let’s her know it by making unflattering comments.  This continues for another year or so and one day, Adam in his frustrated, depressed state decides to see what’s on the Internet.  His handy new  iPhone-5  is nearby and he ends up looking at inappropriate pictures and videos. 

Why does a Kollel guy need an iPhone in the first place?

Naturally he feels a lot of shame, having given in to his Tayvois and vows he will never do it again.  But a couple days later, he’s looking again.  The addictive cycle begins to develop; depression, anxiety, escape into fantasy, feel remorse, depression, anxiety, escape into fantasy.  This begins to affect their intimate relationship because after awhile Adam begins comparing what he is looking at on the screen with his wife.  She will never be able to reach the pinnacle of perfection he sees on the screen. This depresses him even further and he thinks the only way out is to continue to escape into a world of fantasy.   But then, one day his wife discovers what he has been looking at on the Internet.  This Kollel Yungerman who she respects so much for his dedication to learning, has a problem.  She is shocked and traumatized.  She begins to wonder what is wrong with her, that he has to look at other women on the Internet.  What did she do to deserve this?  She approaches her husband after third Seder and he admits to having a problem but he insists it’s no big deal and he will never do it again.  She is beginning to lose trust in her husband and he cannot understand why she just can’t get over it already.  After all he hasn’t looked at anything in two days and he’s been keeping this secret from her for the past two years!

This is a very real scenario.  The lengths of time and marital discord before the discovery may vary, but the bottom line is, his problem has traumatized his wife and she will not recover at the warp speed the husband hopes for.

This brings up two points we need to consider.  Is it really necessary for frum Jews to avail themselves of every new technological gizmo which distracts them from their Avodas Hashem?  What happened to the admonition of not acting like Goyim that we have to bring distractions into shuls, funerals, speeches, and while listening to divrei Torah?   Our respect for ourselves and others has been permanently tainted by our desires to keep up with whatever is thrown our way by the outside world.  It’s come to the point where we ignore the people in our lives who are important to us to get on Facebook to find out what our neighbors had for dinner, check the news, and check our emails every five minutes.  Then we can’t figure out why we can’t get anything constructive done outside of our regular work schedule where we are distracted even further.  After all, 50% of all Internet porn is viewed between 9 and 5, during work hours. 

Actually this is a systemic problem rooted in the way we approach Shidduchim.  The media of the goyish society beckons us to be thin, look beautiful, don’t age and we’ll live happily ever after.  How can we buy into this fantasy when we stand up every Friday night and sing in Aishes Chayil, Shecker Ha’Chain v’ Hevel Hayofi ( Graciousness is false and beauty is vanity) and at the same time insist on wearing head coverings which are fancier than our hair and Borodino hats because that’s what everyone else is wearing.  Where is our appreciation and gratitude for what our spouse does for us?   Is it all about having the latest “things” or about Kedusha?

The challenge in the frum world today is to understand the difference between intimacy and intensity.  The intensity which most of us live leaves us little room for contemplating what our purpose on this world really is.  We’re sucked into worshiping foreign idols of the non-Jewish world in the form of sports figures, technology and serving Hashem without thinking about what we’re saying or doing.  This attitude spills over in our married lives, leaving little time for serious discussion and contemplation with our spouses. Then, when we don’t see eye to eye, we build up resentments which eventually lead to acting out with our “drug” of choice.  Intimacy suffers, intensity increases and we find ourselves in front of computers looking at images which numb our senses and ruin our lives.

The answer is to get involved with Guard Your Eyes at http://guardyoureyes.com, go to groups in your area that deal with these matters, ask for help from people who’ve been there.  If you still have an Internet connection after reading this go to http://yourbrainonporn.com and it will enlighten you about what is actually happening to your brain.

Copyright Allan J. Katz, 2020