Originally printed in The Jewish Press 2014

Within less than two years, I went from being single and a new graduate student to being a wife, mother, and a Licensed Social Worker. These two short years were full of adjustments for me and a lot of new emotions. These events were all positive changes in my life, but nonetheless very stressful. Specifically, I am going to share about my experience with Post-Partum Depression (PPD).  My hope is that this will help other new mothers find comfort and reassurance.

 The most important idea I would like to get across is that I am a perfectly normal young woman (well, as normal as I can be for a person who has therapists for parents!) I did not even realize that I had Post-Partum Depression while I was in it.  I had many different symptoms, of which some I will describe, but somehow I did not connect the dots.  I was too busy dealing with the many challenges  that come with being a new mother, and trying to take care of my graduate school responsibilities, while barely being out of 'Shana Rishona'. However, looking back now, from a place of happiness and vitality, I can see that I was not myself at all. Even though I didn't feel depressed all the time, I was more often negative, irritable, and impatient with the people in my life, especially my husband and baby. I was not able to take a step back and see the bigger picture - I got caught up in the daily stresses of caring for a baby instead of seeing what an amazing privilege it was. I had a lot less patience for the daily bumps in life than I used to. I often felt overwhelmed and like I just can't handle it.

 That is my first and important message to young mothers.  Having PPD, I was able to function adequately on a practical level but my performance and attitude were definitely lacking and I often felt lethargic and like I was dragging my feet. Although I did not know what 'normal' was, I was taking a longer time than I expected to bounce back to myself and adjust to my new life.  These sometimes subtle and sometimes more significant symptoms may not be noticeable to you or your loved ones. I certainly did not understand it as it was happening.

 Furthermore, having PPD interfered with my ability to bond with my newborn. Many people assume that loving a child is something that comes automatically after giving birth. However, it is normal for the mother to take a bit of time to start feeling love for the newborn - she just met him! But PPD goes beyond that.  It slows down the attachment process between mother and baby significantly.  I was taking care of my baby because he was my responsibility, but I was not feeling an emotional attachment to him.

 It is known that the attachment between a mother and baby is essential for the child's development and mental health. Beyond this, however, is the very practical consideration that it is a lot easier to take care of your baby who is making constant demands with crying, not sleeping through the night, and needing to be fed and held, etc., if you feel love for them. It is much more difficult to be patient with a baby's needs and be able to tolerate sacrificing some of your own needs for the baby, when you don't feel the emotional attachment for them in the same way as you do another family member. This contributed to my feeling of irritability, being overwhelmed, and not having the physical and emotional strength to care for a needy being, thus feeling constantly "I can't handle this."

 I remember wondering why I was not feeling love for my baby but my mother encouraged me to stay calm about it, and that the love would eventually come (which it did.)  It is important to note, however, that for some people experiencing PPD, the depression may be exacerbated by the feeling of pressure or panic that they have not bonded to their baby immediately after birth. Becoming anxious about what "should" be and what is "supposed to" happen will make a mother more stressed. Everyone's experience is different, and a woman shouldn't judge herself according to a standard.  Instead, direct your energies toward doing something about your feelings.  Seek support from family, and if need be professionals.  Once the depression is resolved, the love will come.

 What helped me get out of PPD? I had a lot of support in taking care of my baby.  I have a dedicated husband who took over whenever I felt overwhelmed, an amazing babysitter that we trusted, as well as loving and supportive parents and in-laws to provide some relief. Social supports have been shown by the research to be one of the key protective factors in PPD. Additionally, it helped for me talk about my feelings and concerns with friends, family members and other new mothers, as well as a therapist. The therapist helped me understand and accept my feelings, be less negative, and more open to seeing a bigger picture.

 Another major commodity that was essential for me but was of course in very low supply, was time for myself. It helped to have time to think and write about what I wanted to do with my life and what blessings I had. This eventually led me to a place of exploding creativity, which is what really helped me climb out of the depression. Being creative is a state of mind where ideas are flowing and there is energy to carry out those ideas. My mind opened up to new things and I am on a journey toward fulfilling my dreams. Creativity is not only about art; it is about doing what you were meant to be doing, what gives you pleasure, and fulfilling your potential with the natural talents you have. Giving my mind a chance to think and flesh out ideas that I wanted to do and be or create, really changed everything for me. Creativity continues to be an essential part of my life that significantly contributes to my happiness, fulfillment, strength, and mental health.

 By the grace of G-d and the people in my life who continue to support me, I am able to clearly see the difference between my states of mind and moods then and now, for which I am so grateful. I have now have tremendous love for my baby, which makes it easy and fun to take care of him, despite the physical labor and patience it entails.

 To summarize, PPD is a common but painful condition that many new mothers suffer.  Though its symptoms may be subtle or severe they do have an impact.  Social and familial supports are essential tools for recovery as well as finding your own voice and ways to express yourself as you take on your very new roles and responsibilities. Remember: You are responsible to be attentive to your own needs as well as your baby and make every effort to get as much support as possible from all of the people around you.