Originally printed in The Jewish Press 2016
The eminent marriage researcher, John Gottman, identifies the birth of child to be one of the single most de-stabilizers of relationships. Of course, this is not to say that having children is a bad thing. It just means that one must understand the challenges and develop ways to effectively cope.
Staying connected emotionally with your spouse when there aren't children yet in the family presents less barriers than after having children. After having a baby or three, there are lots of changes in the household. There are likely to be more things on the to do list, more expenses, and more noise. Children bring with them a lot of joy and satisfaction and can enhance the connection you have with your spouse. However, if you and your partner do not make time to nurture that connection, it will easily be lost, affecting you, your spouse, and your children for the worse.
A positive and intimate relationship with your spouse is essential for the household. Children feel a strong sense of security when they know that their parents are getting along. A feeling of security is important for children to be able to feel comfortable exploring, growing, and learning. When parents have a contentious relationship and children don't feel secure, there may be more crying, tantrumming, and acting out. Additionally, children may learn inappropriate relationship skills and expectations based on their parents' behavior, which may affect their future relationships. Furthermore, if parents are stressed out from their own relationship issues, this will affect how much patience and attention they will be able to devote to parenting.
Some of the typical barriers to maintaining your relationship with your spouse after baby include no time, no sleep, no one to watch the baby, and generally feeling stressed out. These are legitimate reasons for not being able to spend time with your spouse; there actually is less time and resources when there are children in the household. However, changes can definitely be made to accommodate these barriers and provide more space for the parents' needs.
Strategies for change need to focus on: getting time to yourself, getting time with your spouse, and taking care of your children's needs in a way that leaves space for your own needs. Being a parent feels like a life-encompassing task, and it is. However, space needs to be carved out for you as a person. Scheduling at the beginning of the week what the next few days will look like, and organizing your time to fit in obligations and leisure, can help. Making sure your basic needs are covered, like eating and staying hydrated, will keep you sane and able to take care of your family. You may need to sleep train your children. You don't need to be there for them every minute of the day and night; there needs to be some boundaries so that you can take care of your own needs. It is good for kids to know how to be independent somewhat, and not need you to entertain them constantly, or help them fall asleep every night. Date night with your spouse do not need to be high maintenance. Take a walk, sit outside together with tea, schedule some time to talk. Having a more high maintenance "fun" date, and having fun together, is also important but when there are very specific time and money constraints it may not be possible right now, but either way you and your spouse must get time together regularly without kids around.
Lastly, I want to stress- get help! See if relatives can chip in with childcare. Prioritize your spending so you can have babysitting covered for times to relax, not just work. If you are having communication issues, and need professional help, don't wait until the problem gets worse. Dr. Gottman, a marriage researcher, reports that couples on average have 6 years of problems before getting professional relationship help. There is no need to wait until you hate each other to get help. Getting professional help is not shameful.
Eta Feuerman, LMSW will be leading a discussion group on this topic contact her at [email protected] for more information.