If you find yourself:
- Repeatedly drawn to people who do not want to be in a relationship with you
- Repeatedly in relationships that are dramatic and end not the way you’d want
them to - Repeatedly not developing feelings for people who treat you well
– you’re relationship choices are likely coming from unresolved personal issues.
I’ve seen too many people in pain because a person they are convinced is right for
them, chooses not to be in a relationship with them. Usually these people tell me:
“But this person feels so right for me. I’ve never felt for anyone what I feel for
this person. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else! Is it possible for something that
feels so right, to be wrong?”
Yes. There are several things that can make a person or relationship FEEL right,
even when it’s not.
Often times what makes a person feel attracted to another comes from a place of
unresolved issues. And when you’re operating from a place of unresolved issues, it can
actually be dangerous to trust your ‘instincts’.
- A woman who finds herself particularly attracted to angry men out of a desire to
heal him with her love, something her mother was unsuccessful at with her angry
father - A man who finds himself repeatedly drawn to emotionally unavailable women,
trying to get the love from her he so desperately sought from his emotionally
unavailable mother - A person who feels compelled to get the approval of someone who won’t give it
to them out of a need to validate their worthiness because of earlier experiences
that made them feel unworthy
These are just some examples of the many ways filling a need, re-enacting an old
wound, or trying to right a wrong from the past subconsciously contributes to who people
seek love from, AND who they’re not interested in for a relationship.
Sometimes the very love or treatment they crave IS available to them in the form of
potential partners that come into their lives, but if they don’t have to struggle for it, they
may not recognize it because it does not feel familiar, and they may let it pass them by!
Even in a working, committed relationship some of the attraction is coming
from a place of unresolved issues. There’s even a popular form of couples therapy
called Imago therapy, originated by Dr. Harville Hendrix, based on this dynamic. The
difference is, it’s happening between two available, capable partners that are just as or
nearly as interested in working through it. And that work can be very fulfilling and bring
the couple to an even deeper level of love when it’s mutual. But without a partner that’s
available and interested in the work, a person can end up repeatedly hurt or disappointed
chasing after a relationship that they want but are not going to get and unavailable for the
love they want, in relationships they can get.