Consequences Part II

In today’s day and age, we hear lots about positive parenting. Since a positive approach is important component to raising healthy children, some parents have become confused as to when it is appropriate to impose parental authority. Consequences teach children to make good choices and help them to become responsible for their actions. Conversely, punishment for negative behaviors does not provide a child with a healthy learning experience.
Before we discuss how to effectively use consequences to develop our children’s emotional health, it behooves us to identify for whom and in which instances they pertain.
Imagine a second-grade teacher taking time off a child’s recess for not understanding a paragraph from Shakespeare. It is simply beyond his grasp. Consequences are not a means of forcing a child to do that which he is incapable of doing. In order for consequences to be used as a conduit for developing responsibility we need to first ensure that our demands are feasible and reasonable for each child at his level. Many children who exhibit Oppositional Defiance Disorder are simply defending themselves from expectations which are beyond their capabilities. Having been punished so many times for not meeting the expectation or even having attempted and failed, they develop an attitude of “I don’t care if you punish me!” Can we blame them?
Here’s how you can help strengthen parental authority while providing children with a sense of security, responsibility, success and independence. These format is directed to helping:
o A typical child who is not posing severe behavioral challenges
o A child whose parents recognize their parenting style as distinctly passive and are observing behavioral challenges with which they feel taken advantage of or manipulated and,
o A child who often says “No” and gets away with it
If your child’s behaviors are so challenging that they cause significant conflict or cannot be controlled without force, I advise you to contact a competent mental-health professional for a full assessment and evaluation.
parenThat said using consequences to train children to make good choices is most effective when it is:
• Rule-based (for predictable behaviors)
• Forewarned (whether predictable or not)
• Warned in a calm manner
• Well defined and clear-cut
And when the consequences are:
• Reasonable
• Respectful
• Related (to the incident) when possible
• Consistent
• Carried out calmly
Rule based: Behaviors which are common should have rules. The rule should be stated calmly together with the reasonable, respectful and related (RRR) consequence. When the child breaches the rule, the consequence should be carried out consistently. This helps train the child that his actions produce real results. Parental consistency will train himn to be responsible. Here’s how it looks:
Parent: “From now on, you need to put your bike in the garage each night in order to ride it again tomorrow. If you do not put it away you will have to lose out on riding your bike for one day.”
Child: “But Maaaa!”
Parent: “That’s pretty distressing, isn’t it?”
Child: “Yeah, why do I have to put away my bike? It’s not fair!”
Parent (Rule): “Well, you are old enough to be responsible for your own bike and there is no reason that I have to put it away for you. Is that too hard for you?”
Child: “Well, what if I forget? How am I supposed to always remember? Sometimes I go off just for a minute and then forget to put it away. Then I am going to lose the whole day tomorrow just because I forgot. It’s not fair!”
Parent: “Yes, that could be a potential problem. Do you have any ideas how we can avoid that?”
Child: “Could you remind me to put it away?”
Parent: “Well, I can’t be responsible to constantly remind you, it is really your responsibility and sometimes I have to tell you three or four times till you comply.”
Child: “Can you remind me once per night?”
Parent: “That sounds fair.”
Child: “And if you forget then I get to ride the next day?”
Parent: “It’s a deal.”
This is an example of a consequence which is Reasonable (child is not losing his bike for a week), Respectful (assuming that he will not be very humiliated), and Related (he loses out on bike-riding for not putting away his bike). Since leaving out is bike is a common occurrence, the parent makes a clear rule and consequence to help the child become responsible. The child is validated when demonstrating that he is overwhelmed with the new responsibility and the validation helps him pull through his distress and not get stuck in his resistance. The mother, opening up grounds for problem solving, allows him to have some terms in the system. This allows the child to feel somewhat less threatened with the arrangement, without the mother having to back down from the new rule.
Forewarned: When a child exhibits a behavior that is not common and cannot be predicted as an everyday occurrence, the warning needs to be more spontaneous since it cannot be rule-based. In that case the parent needs to be prepared to forewarn the child as the behavior begins. The rules for forewarning are the same as mentioned above. However, in these cases parents should count before implementing a consequence since children often do need some time to process the validity of the warning. The child should also be reminded that he is making his own choice.
Parent: “Please stop sitting in the baby’s swing; you are too big and it can break.”
If the child complains, validate. “I know that you really enjoy the swing, I don’t blame you. Wouldn’t it be great if you would fit? C’mon, please come out.” If the child persists, here’s how to proceed.
Parent (very calmly): “If you are still in there when I say three you will forfeit some of your dessert from dinner. One, two, and three.” At that point, if the child has not complied he should simply be told that he has chosen to forfeit his dessert. When dessert comes and he displays his emotions, validate! “It is pretty upsetting to not get dessert; I don’t blame you for feeling angry.” The consistency of the parent’s actions will help train the child to make good choices. The calm demeanor and validating component will help the child tolerate the discomfort without severe resentment.
Here, the parent could not think of a Related consequence, and resorted to a typical unrelated consequence. It is commonly difficult to find something related especially when it is on the spur of the moment. That is fine, too.
Children who are trained to be responsible through calm and consistent consequences while having supportive parents help them to work through their distress to the pressures and disappointments that accompany their responsibilities become stable, confident and productive individuals.

Moshe Norman, LCSW can be reached at [email protected] or at moshenorman.com