So, We Never Punish, Right?

In order for us to move to other phases of parenting, let us first review the principles of emotional regulation that we have learned thus far.  It must be emphasized that many potential issues can be avoided if a child is raised in an emotionally healthy fashion and in addition, it will help make many other aspects of parenting a whole lot easier.  A child with emotional health will also have the resources and resiliency to overcome mistakes that significant adults in his life make.  Here are the principles:

A)     Negative emotions feel, well, negative.  A vital part of the adults’ role in raising children is to help their children learn to regulate their emotions.  To illustrate, you might notice that when you experience a negative emotion (let’s take anger as an example,) you are suddenly infused with a surge of physical energy.  This fight-or-flight reaction, designed to protect you from threatening circumstances, is what causes you to tremble, yell, stomp your feet or act physically aggressive.  We will refer to severe physical reactions to negative emotions as “emotional dysregulation.”   

B)      Emotional regulation is developed through long-term training, not through didactic teaching.  We can’t simply teach a child to react more calmly, he needs to actually experience a more subdued reaction many times thereby training his brain to react in a less emotional fashion.  When we validate the reason behind the anger (whether we agree or not), the presence of a multitude of other potential negative thoughts and emotions dissolves, thus enabling the anger to exist on its own and then to pass.  The validation precludes both emotions (such as guilt that might coexist with the anger), and thoughts (such as “I have to change what happened/get him back” or better, “I have to get rid of this anger/I always get angry”) by demonstrating that it is normal to become angry. When that experience happens time and again the child’s brain is conditioned (or trained) to be less aroused by the emotion of anger. 

C)      Conversely, attempting to change the emotion, or judging it, now causes the child to feel desperate to change his emotion.  It might cause him to feel guilty that he can’t change his emotion, or to feel shameful for always feeling that “bad” emotion.   These behaviors add insult to injury and leave the child with more emotional issues than he began with.  Thus, by allowing the child to feel angry his anger will pass, and by judging his anger (it’s bad or wrong) he will have anger + guilt/shame.

In a nutshell, here is how a healthy response is done.  The child experiences some level of distress.   It might be anger, frustration, despair or any other negative emotion.   The child then displays the emotion in some physical way.  He might stomp, cry, yell, be disrespectful, hit, whine etc. 

When this occurs, the parent responds by

1) Listening to the complaint

 2) Acknowledging the emotion

3) Identifying the parent’s own emotion that the child evokes with his behavior which might provoke the parent to dismiss/pacify AND,

4) Letting that feeling pass

5) Staying with the child’s emotion until a reduction is evident. 

Parent:  “Oy, what’s the matter?”

Child:  “You’re so stupid!”

Parent: “Oh, my, tell me more about why you are so upset?” Or, “I see you are really angry at me, what happened?”

Child:  “Because you made me get so embarrassed in school today!”

Parent: “Oh, that’s awful!  How did I embarrass you?”

Child:  “Because you told me that Texas is a continent and when I told my teacher all the kids laughed at me!”

Parent:  “Oh, my, that COULD be embarrassing, I feel terrible!  And I can’t blame you for being angry at me for causing you to be embarrassed.”

In this example, notice how the parent gives the child full permission to experience both embarrassment and anger by affirming that what happened WAS embarrassing and upsetting.  How does this help?  Well, the parent’s affirmation helps the emotional child feel valid for having felt those feelings.  He can now accept himself for having felt them, can get over it, or emotionally regulate.   However, in order for the mother to respond properly she MUST first notice what emotion was evoked when the child accused her (You’re so stupid) and allow that emotion (hurt, defensive etc.) to pass.  Otherwise, her response will be to address her own emotion and become defensive.

Let’s explore the alternative responses that may be more common:

 Child:  “You’re so stupid!”

Parent (not allowing her own emotion to pass):  “How DARE you say that to me?!  I buy you EVERYTHING and what do you do?!” Or, “We don’t talk that way to a parent!!”

Child (Internally):  “I am not allowed to be angry at my parent.  Look how mad she is that I am angry at her!”  The next time the child feels angry at his parent, he will feel guilty.  He will then suppress his anger and begin to feel shameful. 

Child:  “You’re so stupid!”

Parent: “Oh, my, tell me more about why you are so upset?”

Child:  “Because you made me get so embarrassed in school today!”

Parent: “Oh, that’s awful!  How did I make you embarrassed?”

Child:  “Because you told me that Texas is a continent and when I told my teacher all the kids laughed at me!”

Parent:  “Big deal, so you made a small mistake and they laughed.  It happened to me yesterday too!  We all get over these things.”

Remember, a big struggle that we have as parents is to allow our children to experience negative emotions.  Our job is to practice just that.  Allow them to experience those feelings and be right there with them until you see them regulating on their own.  This is how we develop emotional health in our children.

And, of course, don’t forget to have a calm little chat with your child later that evening reminding them that we don’t call a parent “stupid”, even when we are angry.  Here it is:

Parent: “Do you have any other ideas of what you can do when you are so upset at me?” 

Child: “Well, I don’t really mean to say it, but I am so angry at you when you do those things.  I can’t control myself.”

Parent: “Yes, sometimes we DO say things that we don’t mean when we are upset, but I would appreciate if you try to figure out an alternative to calling me names.  Any ideas?”

In other words, when setting boundaries and teaching your child what is inappropriate, it should be done in discussion format, in a no-emotional tone as if you were giving directions to the supermarket.

But is parenting all about “being nice” to your kids?  Are we to never punish for bad behavior?  Why do we only hear about positive parenting these days?  Will our children turn out ok if we just validate them?  How do we prevent bad behavior?  “When I grew up, we got petch in school, and I turned out just fine!”  Is raising kids today all about stepping on eggshells, for fear that we will turn them off?

Let us begin discussing negative behaviors, punishment and consequences. 

We are taught to believe that when a child acts inappropriately he ought to be punished.  Let’s teach him a lesson.  Let’s make sure he remembers not to do it next time!  If we show him how disappointed we are in him he will surely study harder next time.  And you know what?  It is potentially true!

We need, however, to bear in mind that parenting is not merely about getting our children to comply and preventing them from doing what’s wrong.  For that, we can tie their hands behind their backs, muzzle their mouths, or use scare tactics to prevent them from ever doing that again, and we can force them to comply by threats or bribes. 

Rather, parenting is a perspective.  Parenting is about training a child to become responsible and disciplined when he grows up.  And, it is a process; doesn’t happen overnight. Let’s explain.

Punishment is imposed when parents have no other way to get the child to follow their instruction.  When we punish, we impose force.  We condition the child so that he will be afraid to do that act again, or to make him try harder to succeed next time.  We virtually “force” the child to follow the instruction.  Punishment is inconsistent, not following an expected household rule, and can change based on the mood of the parent.  Punishment is hardly a way to cultivate emotional health.  So what’s the alternative?

Let us glean from the Torah.  “See, I have set forth before you the life and goodness, the death and evil, and you shall choose life!”  Hashem informs us, that he will present us with choices, with free-will which will either be accompanied by reward or with punishment.  We get to choose our own consequences.  And we know what they are, because we were foretold.  We can choose life, or the opposite.  The Torah doesn’t punish.  No surprises, no inconsistencies.  Punishment is an act that varies based on the parent’s mood.  It is arbitrary.  Conversely, consequences are consistent, expected reactions which occur upon the free choice of the child.  Punishment fosters fear and confusion; consequences set clear boundaries and teach responsibility.  Here’s how punishment sounds:

Parent: “You didn’t eat up your supper!  I’m taking away your Rubik’s Cube for a week!”

Parent:  “You hit him?!  You need to go to your room for the rest of the night!”

Parent:  “You left a mess on the floor last night.  Tatty is not taking you on the trip with the rest of the family.”

Imagine how the child feels for getting punished for something that was a rather minor offense, but his parent decided to teach him a lesson.  Rather unfair, and what long-term lesson does the child learn from it?

Consequences teach responsibility or discipline.  They help train a child to choose to do what is right.  To make good choices.  And, most importantly, they train a child to think before he acts by helping him realize that every action has consequences.  

They do so because consequences are 1) Rules-based, 2) Forewarned, and 3) Consistent

When a child knows what he may and may not do and the consequence is clear, and he knows that his parents are consistent about carrying it out, he has a good chance of becoming trained to make good choices.  In our next article we will iy”H focus on how to implement consequences and when they apply.

Questions?  Moshe Norman is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Lakewood, NJ, and specializes in parent-child relationships by helping parents identify and develop their child’s lagging skills.  He can be reached at [email protected]