The Back-to-School Transition-5 Tools to Help Calm the Storm

By: Moshe Norman, LCSW

Yup, it’s that time of year again though quite hard to believe.  The hours are ticking till school starts and it is beginning to have its effect in the home.  It wasn’t always like that, though.  Before Jason was school age the older kids excitedly anticipated rejoining their school friends and sharing their camp experiences.  They speculated which teacher they will have and which classroom they’ll be in.  The atmosphere was fun and exciting.

But Jason is a completely different story.  Weeks before school starts he turns into a monster.  His fuse becomes frayed, he explodes at the most trivial incidents, his tolerance level is reduced, he refuses to eat or go to sleep, he becomes extremely demanding and everyone in the family knows to “stay away.”

Transitioning is hard for Jason and although he does not understand what is happening to him, we as outsiders may have begun to notice a pattern.  Perhaps you have a Jason in your home.  Maybe your Jason turns your family upside down and causes distress and confusion. 

You are not alone.  There are lots of Jasons out there.  What can you do to properly prepare your Jason for the transition?  And in general, how can you prepare your Jason to tolerate transitions?

Here are a few ideas and tips:

1)      Self-awareness- Help your child become aware that he is acting differently than he usually does.  Avoid interpreting why he is acting differently or accusing him of it; simply observe what you notice.  Self awareness helps convey to a child how he differs from other people and where his deficits are.  It teaches him which situations to avoid and how he might need to develop certain skills which are unique to his needs.

“Jason, I notice that your fuse seems really short these last few days.”  Saying that in a factual, non-confrontational fashion helps a child to become aware of his behaviors.  It also invites him to talk about the feelings that are causing those behaviors if he is ready.

2)      Discuss it- Parents often avoid discussing topics which will raise discomfort or bring up something painful because they are not sure how to address the discomfort when it comes up.  So, for instance, if Jason says, “I hate this years’ teacher, she is so unfair!” and the parents know that his accusations are accurate they might be faced with a conflict.  Do they agree with the teacher (after all, that’s the “right” thing to do) and distance their relationship with their child, or do they risk validating their child’s inappropriate behaviors? 

It is important to realize that sweeping it under the rug can often imply that the complaint is not worthy of being addressed.  This can cause the child to feel guilty for having inappropriate feelings.  Instead, allow him to let loose.  Give him the floor to express his feelings as he pleases.  This will enable him to move forward and develop skills with which to cope.  Here are some good responses. 

“I hate this years’ teacher, she is so unfair!”

“Is she?  Tell me about it.”  When the child explains, the best response is to agree and say, “Mmmm, that does sound pretty unfair.”  This will help regulate your child’s emotions.  Remember, when faced with a child during an emotional outburst, first address the emotion and only later solve the problem.  Giving logical solutions does not help when the child is experiencing fear; dealing with fear does.

“Fifth grade is so hard, and I will never be able to do so much homework!”

“Yeah, it really is pretty overwhelming to have that much homework isn’t it?  You had a hard last year and the homework was much less!”

Allowing the child to be afraid rather than trying to convince them not to be afraid actually helps them to cope with fear, which will ultimately help to reduce it.

3)      Initiate the fearful thoughts- Try to come up with as many fears and concerns that you think might underlie his behaviors.  Don’t be afraid that by raising them you will cause more fear.  Actually, the contrary is true.  “Jason, do you think you’ll be nervous on the first few days that you’re going to miss the bus, since it will be a new driver?”  It is both relieving and validating for a child when someone states his fears for him.  It relieves the child who until now was not aware of precisely what he is afraid of.  It comforts him to hear that someone else sees the grounds for his fears.  In fact, you even figured it out without him even telling!  This in and of itself can solve half the problem.  Additionally, initiating the fear can prevent it from actually happening when the school year begins, so the more you tackle now the more suffering you spare when the transition occurs.

4)      Challenge him- Here’s an out-of-the box idea.  Suppose you know that your child will probably have a hard time controlling his hands from poking the next boy over during lunch.  The principal had asked him to leave the cafeteria more than once in the past.   Try challenging him by saying with a twinkle, “Jason, I bet this year you’ll be asked to leave the cafeteria a dozen times. I understand that you do it because lunch is boring and you want some fun, so it’s worth it to take the risk of getting expelled.   I’m going to keep a calendar and you let me know when it happens.”  By challenging him that he can’t control himself, you will boost his desire to become more aware of his actions.  It creates a reverse resistance where the child begins to want to control himself.

5)      Problem solve- Once the emotions have been reduced and your child is calmer, move into problem solving.  Ask your child what would change the problem, and give him the opportunity to describe even illogical solutions.  We want Jason to think.  We want to teach him that he can solve problems, and to learn how to solve them.  You can coach him along the way or tweak some of the details of his solutions, but ultimately we want him to come up with solutions which are satisfactory in his view.

This approach toward poor emotional regulation will not only help you have a calmer child, it will also give him tools for the future.  Jason will learn to problem-solve, to regulate his emotions through his new self-awareness and to control his inappropriate behaviors.

Moshe Norman, LCSW is a child and family therapist in Lakewood, NJ.  Mr. Norman specializes in children with emotional dysregulation and creating stronger parent-child relationships.  He can be reached at [email protected] or at www.moshenorman.com for questions or consultations