Rabbi Menachem Rosenfeld
Divorce takes its toll on many individuals, in a ripple effect. It is no wonder that divorce is frequently listed among the five biggest traumas in the adult experience. Unfortunately, its negative impact affects multiple generations, with children often the greatest victims of all.
It is estimated that more than half of the marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. I have not seen comparable statistics for Jewish marriages (estimates range from five to 17 percent) but we know that the rate of divorce is growing significantly.
I am a strong proponent of divorce mediation. One kind of mediation, known as marital mediation, is an attempt to save the marriage. Divorce mediation, more frequently used, is the most civil means of dissolving a marital relationship. Mediation, unlike litigation, fully involves the couple in an open discussion and negotiation concerning the conditions of the divorce settlement. The discussion is facilitated by a mediator who serves as a neutral party, assisting the couple in reaching an agreement. Mediation is an optimistic profession in that it believes that adults, even when they possess opposing interest and needs, can reach an accord that will be fair and balanced. Mediation uses skills that the couple will need to use even after the divorce if they share children. Mediation allows the couple to close the door on their marriage, but not slam it. It is an example of what constructive communication can yield.
A question that occurs to me often is: why does our society expect a couple to marry as b'nei Torah and yet frequently allow them to divorce as battle-hardened mercenaries? Judaic values are often observed only in their breach when many couples negotiate their divorce settlement. This situation is aggravated exponentially when the rancor becomes so great that the get (religious divorce) becomes a bargaining chip. At times, to our chagrin, it is withheld (or not accepted) by a recalcitrant spouse.
I do not believe we have made the institution of marriage a communal priority in terms of education, outreach and community support. For the individual, divorce mediation is a proper choice when considering the end of a marital relationship. Rabbis and therapists should advise couples going through divorce to take advantage of this most civil approach.
The question for our community concerning divorce, however, is not litigation vs. mediation. It is much more basic. Marital life is probably the most vital Jewish institution to ensure continuity of our value system. What have we invested in such an undertaking? Where are our communal structures?
If we felt the pressing need, we could convene a meeting on the rising rate of divorce and the tragic agunah situation. Papers could be presented, issues debated, and dialogue begun. With every year that we fail to do something of this nature, we miss an opportunity that is desperately needed. Indeed, our national conferences always have the occasional session on issues of Jewish marriage. But talk is cheap. What are we actually about divorce in our community? Do we have a communal structure that can deal with issues surrounding Jewish marriage, Jewish divorce, and the halachic norms that surround them?
To the above, I would add the need for blogs so that community members with specific needs have a place to go for direction and inspiration. A great kiruv opportunity exists if we make the effort to explain to the non-Orthodox what a get entails, help them find a proper beit din, and organize volunteers to help them through their get process. We shout about the tragedy of agunot and yet we allow the non-Orthodox to be unaware of the get process, thus dooming future generations to our community's ultimate rejection, mamzerut. Surely there is more work that can engage us in this area.
To succeed as Torah Jews, the Brisker Rav stated, we need to be business-like. (A famous vort compares the word for Torah study -- "la'asok" with the word for business, "esek.") We need to have a mission statement, objectives, and resources, in addition to moral commitment. This is the regimen we would undertake for our business, and this must be our charge as Torah leaders. There is work to be done in the area of ishut, and all that the term entails. We all have ideas and strategies. We need to dialogue, talk, and listen. We need to work collaboratively. This is not an issue of turf, vain pride, or institutional one-upmanship. If we apply an approach that is open, honest, and purposeful, we will be worthy of Bilaam's coerced admission: "How goodly are your tents Jacob." I can think of no greater praise, or goal, than that.
Rabbi Menachem Rosenfeld is a family mediator in Fair Lawn, NJ. He maintains a number of blogs on divorce and mediation and is founding member of a group of volunteers dedicated to civil divorce, whose blog appears at www.CivilDivorceCivilGet.Wordpress.Com