As a neuropsychologist who recently moved to Israel, I have been inundated with questions from parents about how to deal with their young children’s questions and fears stemming from the recent slew of terror attacks. My response to terrorism in Israel is different from my response to terrorism in the U.S. When I worked as the director of guidance in a school in America, for 9/11 memorials, I recommended that teachers avoid using any visual imagery with children under the age of 11, even the infamous scene of an airplane colliding with the World Trade Center. However, children in Israel cannot be sheltered from current events in the same way. Even three-year-old children who enter “Gan Shalosh” bring home scary stories they hear from their classmates about the “aravim.” To the young mind, they represent the proverbial “boogeyman”. It’s an unavoidable part of life in Israel.
Despite the fact that Israeli children live intimately with the reality that they are surrounded by enemies who want to kill them -- these are the same children who spent the summer before last running into safe rooms when they heard sirens -- there are some recommendations that can guide parents during this particularly trying time. These recommendations are geared for children ages 2-12.
Do’s:
Do give your child an opportunity to talk with you about current events.
Do first ask your child what he heard at school, from friends etc. before giving additional information.
Do listen without judgement.
Do validate the child’s feelings (“So you are scared that a terrorist may come to your home”).
Do recognize that children personalize what they hear about current events and wonder what will happen to them if for example they are orphaned.
Do reassure your child (“These attacks are still relatively rare and are not likely to happen to us; We will do everything we can to keep you safe”) .
Do answer questions honestly and age appropriately.
Give concrete facts (“Here is how we are staying safe: increased security, alarms, locking doors, saying Shema, Tehillim etc.”).
Do create a safety plan with your child (“What to do if…”).
Do model courage (“Here is what I do/think about when I feel scared”).
Do take the time to observe changes in your child. They may not verbalize their stress but they may exhibit the following symptoms: nightmares, difficulty falling asleep, tearfulness, tantrums, agitation, clinginess, bedwetting, fear of being alone. Your child may also re-experience some of the fears from past traumatic experiences (e.g., hearing sirens).
Do recognize that different children react differently to frightening situations and some children may have no apparent response (emotional numbing), but that does not mean the child is not experiencing stress.
Do comfort and hold your child: physical proximity often helps a child feel safe.
Do maintain familiar routines; These reinforce a child’s sense of security.
Even when children hear about terror attacks from other children, parents should still be mindful of their own reactions in front of their children.
Do not:
Do not be alarmed: Your children’s reactions are normal but important signs that they need your help and reassurance.
Be careful checking facebook or news websites, or discussing current events with other adults in front of your children because you may react in ways that are less measured than would otherwise be the case. Your children may pick up on your anxiety, which may overwhelm them.
Do not avoid sharing your feelings; it helps them feel less alone. However, be sure to model healthy ways that you can cope with your feelings.
Do not minimize a child’s fear or concern.
Some young children respond to these challenging times with theological/philosophical questions such as; “How can Hashem (G-d ) let this happen to the Jewish people in Israel?” I have found the following response to be comforting to children: “Parents at times do things that their children don’t like. Even though the child may feel upset, he still knows his parents love him. Similarly, we don’t understand why Hashem allows tragic things to happen; however, we still know that Hashem loves us.”
Despite the stress that the current violence and terrorism can cause in our children, they are incredibly resilient, and parents are capable of helping their children overcome their fears and feelings of anxiety about stressful events. However, if your child continues to show significant changes in his behavior, getting professional help is recommended.