Sex addiction has become something of an epidemic in the frum community. It is unfortunate but it is the reality. A recent international 12-step retreat of 800 recovering sex addicts and their partners from all over the world, had close to 300 frum participants. That is over one third of the conference! 

If you are a successful therapist in the frum community who does not seem to have any clients who you suspect may be sexually addicted, it is probable that you are not familiar enough with the symptoms of sex addiction or you may be under-informed about what to be looking out for.

Let us begin with the question of whether sex can even be an addiction. Sex addiction is a pattern of behaviors that actually mirror alcoholism if you were to use the 11 criteria for addiction in the DSM-5. But the addiction here is not to a substance, it is an addiction to the sexually charged neuro-reactions in the brain. The feel good chemicals that are released during a sexual experience can become a way for some to cope with uncomfortable feelings or stress. Think of it like emotional eating, only the cupcake here is sexual fantasy, visual arousal, lustful behaviors, masturbation, or of course, actual sexual intercourse.

What differentiates an addict from a non addict is that an addict will present with inability to completely stop the behavior even after experiencing negative consequences. For members of the frum community consequences of sex addiction are often predominantly spiritual and emotional. Shame and self-loathing is a huge emotional consequence found in many frum sex addicts. Their shame will often prevent them from opening up and sharing the true extent of their lustful obsessions - even with their therapist. Even if you ask straightforward questions about sex and sexuality, very often the frum client will flat out deny or at least minimize any relationship with lustful material, compulsive sexual behaviors, masturbation or viewing pornography. If you do not ask at all, however, it is almost certain any unaddressed sex addiction will remain untreated.

Once you do find out about potential sexual addiction in a client, it is crucial that you and your client develop a clear plan for sexual sobriety. This must include tracking definitive behaviors that the client agrees to not engage in. A support system that includes more than just the therapist is fundamental for any addiction recovery. One such (completely anonymous) support system for frum men is Guard your Eyes (GYE). Although not as robust as their support for Orthodox men, GYE recently began offering "Resources for Women" as well.

Both male and female sex addicts can join a variety of 12 Step meetings for recovering sex addict in person or by telephone. These 12 step programs are support groups of recovering sex addicts who help each other through "12 steps" that teach tools for remaining sexually sober as well as addressing the underlying causes that drive sex addiction so as to avoid future relapses.  

A second important element of helping the sex addicted client is shame reduction. Shame will increase self loathing which will in turn cause the addict to relapse and experience even more shame. If we do not intervene the cycle will never end! If a therapist is going to help a client reduce shame, then the therapist needs to be comfortable and not embarrassed talking to his or her client about explicit sexual material. Ambivalence on the therapist's end will be picked up on by your client instantly, and they will feel more shame. Not less.

We as therapists can help our clients in both areas mentioned above if we do our own personal work at becoming more familiar with sex addiction. Our work as therapists need to be to learn and understand the reality that addiction is a brain disease that hijacks the addict's ability to think and behave rationally or responsibly when in the toxic state of active addiction. If we internalize this simple truth we will be able to bring to our clients both elements of successful treatment: helping them to become sexually sober, and helping the client to reduce his or her toxic shame. 

For more information regarding addictions and how to find help for yourself or others, or if you have any comments or questions about this article please feel free to send me an e-mail at [email protected]

Shim Frankel is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker. He works as a treatment team member in a private practice counseling agency in Toms River, NJ. He specializes in addiction recovery and relationship healing using his expertise in trauma treatment