Achieving Spiritual Goals in Difficult Home Situations

By: Shira Frank LCSW

            Upon marriage, a spouse may have specific goals that may or may not be fulfilled, depending on a variety of circumstances in the marriage. There are cases where a spouse finds him/herself at a “standstill” due to a “plateau” in relation to his/her spouse’s spiritual development. One needs to use introspection to help this situation, in order to prevent great disappointment and resentment in one's marriage.

            An example of such a problem can be seen in the case of a husband watching too much television or too many videos, causing great distress to his wife. In such a case a wife could create the goal of eventually decreasing TV/video watching in her home, yet how she proceeds clearly depends upon the degree that her husband is open to the possibility of decreasing media viewing. One needs to accept human limitations, as compromise in marriage is always a delicate balance.

            The first step in achieving spiritual goals in  difficult home situations is that of accepting one's initial disappointment. One needs to accept the feeling of sadness, reflecting the idea that what one would have desired is presently not available. Denying disappointment or “just hoping it will eventually disappear” is counterproductive. Realistically one needs to see this as Kabalas Ha'yesurim – the acceptance of a trying painful situation. And yet one needs to realize simultaneously that “Gam Zu L'tova – this is and will be for the good in the eyes of Hashem. In this way one can be realistic yet remain hopeful.

            Another problem is apparent in the situation mentioned above: What should one say to one's children? How can their father's behavior be explained? Perhaps one possible response could be :  This is how Tatty has learned to relax, but there are other ways that a person can do the same thing. Maybe we can...” It is a delicate balance to enforce certain standards without creating an environment of resentment towards one's husband. Once one has initially accepted the disappointment of the situation one can be somewhat more objective. The next possible step is that of problem solving. Discussing this issue with One's husband is optimal, as long as he is not prone to becoming very defensive. Ways to communicate appropriately is a topic in itself. Much literature is available on this topic of improving communication between spouses. However, if this topic needs to remain “unspoken,” a wife needs to stress the positive religious potential of her husband whenever possible.

             A spouse alone may need to problem solve. What options are available to help our situation? Perhaps one can motivate her husband to do homework with his children, stressing the importance of doing so and then showing how proud she is of him by mentioning it to her friends and family. A husband can also be motivated to learn with his wife weekly on one subject that he is truly interested in. If a husband barely has interest in learning, one can ask his opinion on situations involving “Bein adam l'chaveiro” stressing his “Ahavas Yisroel” and sensitivity to others. One needs to find at least one “nekuda tova” (Good point) inherent in one's spouse's yiddishkeit.

            After one has problem solved this negative situation, it is often easier to look more objectively at how one may have inadvertently “pushed the buttons” of one's spouse.  Perhaps there are  areas where the angered spouse could improve his/her reaction to the sensitive situation cited above. Unknowingly one may “roll one's eyes” and make unpleasant facial gestures to  the spouse watching television/videos, only adding fuel to the fire and starting a vibrant power struggle between husband and wife. One needs to accentuate one's spouse's spiritual and religious contributions to the home to help elevate one's spouse's potential growth.

            Rav Nachman of Bratzlov quotes the line in Tehillim “he mediated upon the evil person and he was no longer there” and explains it as follows: If one looks upon another individual with the benefit of the doubt, the evil within is then eradicated. We find that his mitzvos have merit, and the status of “rasha” disappears. He is then elevated from the status of “rasha” in the eyes of Hashem, and his potential expands.

            Rav Nachman expands upon this idea in relation to ourselves: though we may arise in the morning with self doubt, questioning our abilities and accomplishments, we need to find the nekuda tova – the good point – or whatever positive accomplishments we have merited to achieve, however small. And with this positive viewing of ourselves we uplift ourselves from the category of “rasha” (which we have labeled ourselves). In this way, with this positive outlook, we can surely be successful in our endeavors. One is able to achieve spiritual grown in one's home as long as the category of “rasha” be it for one's spouse or oneself, is eradicated and the possibility of continual development is accentuated.