COPING WITH CRITICISM

Dear Shira:    

I generally consider myself a happy person and try to see the good in whatever happens to me. Yet, when people criticize me, especially my family or close friends, I take it to heart too much. My husband thinks that I overreact to what is said to me. I try not to become unhappy when feeling insulted, but my efforts are in vain. Do you have any thoughts about this?

Answer:

            Insults differ from criticism. One must learn to differentiate between the two. People may be insulting to others due to anger or jealousy, but there are cases where constructive criticism may be given from which we may all benefit.

            It is true, in some situations those being critical might be more tactful, but the actual content of the suggestions might be worth listing to and learning from those very words. However, if only the hurt feelings are being dwelt upon, whatever might be learned from these observations will be overshadowed by emotion and subjective  reaction. Even if there is only 10% of truth in criticism, this 10% can be helpful in the problem at hand.

            On a more philosophical level, if you were not meant to be the recipient of these comments, Hashem would not have had this occurrence take place. This does not mean that the criticism must be accepted in total, but one can except the portion which might be useful in the particular situation. For example, you meant to help a person, but you inadvertently harmed him instead. Learning from this experience could mean that you need to be clearer in your communication to avoid misunderstandings. A person can also learn from criticism to be more cautious in confiding in certain individuals. Confidential information can sometimes be misconstrued by others and come back to you in a most unexpected fashion. There is much to be learned from one's mistakes.

            When criticism directly affects one’s self esteem, different attitudes need to be stressed. When one feels he/she is under attack, it is helpful to remember one's good traits.  Writing these traits on paper may seem rather simplistic, but may be quite helpful . Thus one can feel, “perhaps I have limitations, but I do have characteristics that are admirable.”

            Ultimately, if one has internalized the feeling that he/she has enough “admirable qualities,” accepting criticism becomes less of a major situation. In other words, one needs to be a “big enough person to be able to take it,” i.e. he/she has enough positive attributes to fall back on when criticism is given.

            Believing in one's abilities and potential abilities is a true goal of the Torah. There are times when one may be criticized for taking a religious stance. All great leaders who have “taken a stand” were not loved by all.  We know that Moshe Rabbenu was criticized by B'nei Yisroel in the Midbar and yet he continued to do the will of Hashem. An understanding of the last line of Megillas Esther reflects the idea that Mordechai was loved by the majority of the people (but not the entire population) according to Rashi. Yet neither Moshe Rabbenu nor Mordechai were deterred in doing the will of Hashem, due to individual's negative reactions. The true “posaik acharon” (final decision) is reflected in the leaders of our generation, who are steeped in the wells of the Torah. Their seeming criticism is only a stepping stone of our spiritual growth. Spiritual improvement is the ultimate goal in our lives.

            Accustoming oneself to “mussar” can be a humbling experience, unless one becomes extremely self effacing and is depressed by it. One needs to always build the good within, in order to be able to accept criticism intelligently. The ability to integrate constructive criticism and yet affirm one's essential self worth is a non-ending striving for balance, towards which goal all human beings need to work.

Shira Frank, LCSW is a parent trainer and psychotherapist.