Dealing With Anger
Anger by its very nature has positive and negative potential. The constructive potential of anger can be seen by those whose anger towards evil consumes them till it motivates them to enact phenomenal good in the world. The rage towards that which is “unholy” and “unG-dly” so to speak, is the motivating force that often moves great things. The negative potential of anger is very clear to anyone who has seen disastrous results of anger.
If we look at the results of anger, physically speaking, withholding anger continually, can have detrimental effects upon one's health, as seen in cases of ulcers, high blood pressure, etc. Psychologically speaking, if one does not come to terms with anger, one way or another , the anger can manifest itself in some other undesirable fashion. If not confronted, the agitation of anger can overflow into many areas of one's life. Ethically speaking, anger also causes other problems. Someone you are angry with can be ignored, gossiped about of maligned, depending on the circumstances. Unfortunately, anger itself will usually not dissipate unless it is worked out some way within your thoughts and emotions. If it is agreed that it is healthiest to work with anger, how is this best accomplished? Taking ideas from the Torah tapes of Mrs. Tzipora Heller. One must analyze the source of one's anger. Is it solidly based on wrong actions, or is it something that particularly irritates us about this person? Sometimes if a person is different than you, this may be a source of irritation. Petty as this may seem, it is sometimes the cause of negative emotions. A lifestyle more non conventional, or perhaps excessively materialistic, can irritate you about a person. This irritation can be experienced to the point where you cannot even remember what it was that bothered you about the individual. This category, mentioned above, is on a simplistic level, most anger is much deeper than this. However, this does need to be considered when thinking of why one harbors negative feelings towards another.
As the Torah always stresses, one should try to give the other person the benefit of the doubt, as the explanation of an undesirable action. One must try to analyze the context of the given “wrong doing” before one allows anger to fester within oneself. The more one can handle it honestly , the more one can deal with anger constructively.
If you’ve' passed the last two steps, and still find justifiable reason to feel anger, you mus rebuke your friend and not carry hate in your heart. How is this rebuke carried out and to whom does it apply? If you are really sure that the person you are angry with will not respond to you, or even possibly verbally attack you. Only then is it preferable to say anything. How do we view this person then? Generally, one tries as much as possible to give the person the benefit of the doubt. However it should be stressed that more needs to be done in serious cases, where this is insufficient. If the person will not hear the criticism offered without becoming irate, and this individual truly needs to change himself for human psychological survival, another category entirely should be considered, which will be discussed next.
Returning to that person who may respond to you when criticized; how can we confront him/her with anger and yet maintain it with a specific framework, creating the least amount of possible damage? The Rambam lays out the most advantageous conditions in which to rebuke a person. The first condition asks that this rebuke be done in privacy. Not only that no other person be present, but that no one else be involved in any way. The more others are aware of the criticism, the more that “defendant” will feel bound to justify the negative action and not truly “hear” the important (but perhaps painful) contribution that you have made. He/she will be so embarrassed that it will be difficult for him/her to “hear” any constructive advice that may be given.
The second condition is that one be as specific as possible. How would we respond if someone tells us that we were supposed to meet at 2:00 pm today and it is 2:30 pm when we finally meet. What would the reaction be to “you’re always late, you’re late again today, I can never depend on you for anything!!” The more specific one is in describing the anger or pain, the less apt the other is to feel attacked and become defensive. If one is made to feel that one's shortcomings are limited and workable, the person may consider changing. If, however, one feels that “I can never do anything right,” despair sets in and no effort is made towards any change.
The condition is that the person making the rebuke, know what he/she wants to hear as a response. One needs to ask oneself, “what do I want to hear; an apology or a concrete action rectifying the wrongdoing?” E.g. replacing an object that was returned broken. If one has an idea as to what response one wants to hear, the rebuke does not become a “dumping ground” or vent for one's general frustration, but a direct plea for a given response and consideration. One needs to be actively aware of how one wants to have the misdeed rectified.
The final condition is showing the person, that it is in his/her benefit to change. As one is giving a rebuke, he just not be made to feel rejected. The person must be able to envision his/her higher potential - “you do not have to be what you are. I know you can be more than this....” One needs to focus on the G-dly potential of the person being criticized. When Aharon Ha-chohayn came to make peace between husband and wife, he saw the potential good in each, as he worked to solve marital problems. If one is given a rebuke in this manner much of the discomfort of the situation is removed.
In conclusion, unbridled anger without direction and though can only be destructive and not promote change in the other person. If one truly looks at the other in relation to his/her potential, the entire interaction will be one of quality and sensitivity.