Differences in Marriage

By: Shira Frank, LCSW 

Q: I have been having difficulty with my husband in recent months. His whole personality is very different from mine – he is very outgoing and friendly, and very much enjoys a lot of social activities. I am more quiet and prefer to stay close to home. Until recently, I used to go along with my husband to any social events, in order to make him happy. But its gotten to a point where I resent going to where I really don't want to go. My husband is starting to get annoyed. Sometimes I think that maybe what I want isn't that important anyway. What can I do to help improve the situation?

A: In order to respond to your circumstances, more specific details need to be defined. However a general idea needs to be discussed. One needs to give thought about the topic of human differences.

              There are always myriad differences between any two people. An early example of this is seen with Avraham and Sarah. Sarah's main character trait was that of “Tzniyus”, a sense of inner modesty and internalization. Avraham's main character trait was chesed, the ability to give, in an almost limitless fashion. These two midos are two so completely different forms of self expression. The messages that they respectively convey are different.

              And yet Avraham and Sarah achieved a unity of will. Where do we see this? In Parshas Lech Lecha, we hear how “he” went to a certain place and accomplished – who is this “he”? Was it not Avraham and Sarah? And yet as their will was united, they were one being – the “he” mentioned in the Chumash.

              As the Maharal mentions, it was only when they had differences that Sarah's presence surfaces as a separate entity. However, we see that these differences were of a constructive nature. It was Sarah's idea that Avraham take Hagar as a wife. She was prophetically superior to Avraham and knew that this was a desired action.

              We can understand Sarah wanting Avraham to be able to have children. What is perhaps more difficult for us to understand is her saying that  Avraham  take Hagar “in order that she build her hereby.” Who will be built, once a child is born from Hagar, Avraham or Sarah? It seems that Sarah perceives Avraham being built as herself being built. She was insightful enough to ask herself, “How can this person be built?” knowing that this thought process will lead to her own personal “building” or growth.

              It is this framework, of working with each others needs, that both husband and wife need to cultivate. Though giving to one another is essential, a spouse shouldn't think that “what I want, isn't important.” once a person says that their own will is not important, it merely reflects a low self esteem – not a great self – sacrifice.

              One needs to feel that “that I want and what you want” is the same thing. I want you to have what you need and to be all that you can be. This is my way of my own ultimate self expression.” Both husband and wife need to see this. If only one spouse desires to help build the other, the relationship is not a giving one, allowing growth. One needs to appreciate the “truth” of the other and learn to value their concept of life, however it may differ from their own.

              What are the impediments to this growth? One, is our own desire to have our spouse be “just like us.” This connects to the initial idea with Adam ha-rishon – Bishvili nivrah ha-olam” - the whole world was created for me. This can be seen as, “if the world was created for me, I’d like my closest relative to be just like me.” and yet this thought was not desirable and Hashem said that it was not good for Adam to be singular and alone. Hashem wanted both Adam and Chava to expand and become more of what each was singularly, by allowing experience the  others being in totality. Each spouse needs to value their own self, and also be able to value a person with a different make up and a different response to life.

              Another impediment to this growth is our own inability to look at our spouse as being united with us. A parent can easily respond to their child’s needs, as a parent feels the biological bond with their child. In truth, a spouse's relationship actually transcends the biological relationship alone – it can also be intellectual, emotional and spiritual, by its very nature. And yet we often don’t think of these elements of the relationship, but rather focus on issues of disunity.

              Thus, generally speaking, in order to work with differences, one needs to view a spouse's needs as truly being their own needs. This does not mean making oneself unimportant or secondary, but rather a sort of blending of each others wills. Each also needs to appreciate the “reality” of the other, and help integrate the validity of the other and their vantage point.

              In this way, there can be a unification of will, even amongst differences. Avraham was able to listen to Sarah's voice, even though it was extremely difficult for him to tell Hagar and Yishmael to leave. Sarah's will became his will. In this way, two very different people worked together, allowing their lives to be woven together in creating Am Yisroel. With this, we see that differences can be very constructive. One needs to reassess differences and learn what can be gained by the other person's perspective. Only then can you truly come to unity in marriage.