Emotional Bankruptcy
By: Shira Frank, LCSW
Dear Shira,
I consider myself happily married, but lately, my husband and I seem to be having a problem. We have been having “cold wars” lately where there is no real arguing between us, but I just feel a lot of tension (We are both quite strong willed people by nature, so we make a great attempt to avoid arguing) If somethings important to me, my husband usually lets me do things my way and vise versa. Yet lately after we agreed on what the other one wants, I feel that some kind of resentment and coldness still remains. I feel like we are doing something wrong but I am not sure what it is. Do you have any ideas about this problem?
Answer:
Issues of compromise are perhaps the most difficult ones in marriage. Ideas to be mentioned on the subject are from a highly esteemed teacher who has attempted to impact these ideas to me.
In a generation still reflects the “me generation” of previous decades, issues of compromise are not necessarily looked at as a step towards growth and “self development.” As both men and woman feel proud of being “individualistic” or “unique,” it is often difficult to give up what we may perceive to be good self esteem, In order to unite some vague “common marital good.”
Compromising itself is not usually pleasant. It is sometimes easier to let one's spouse have their decision follow through at one time, and then you have one spouse acquiesce to your request at another time. Though sometimes workable, the system of compromise is faulty. Even if such either/or stance may initially cause each spouse to feel more satisfied for the most part, in the long run this system creates constant “winning and losing.” It is the feeling of “losing” that your husband (or perhaps you) at times are experiencing, expressed by resentment and coldness. This gives one a feeling of being “emotionally bankrupt.”
A more workable form of compromise is that in which each feels that he/she “wins”, by both parties “giving in” somewhat. In this way, no spouse will feel that he/she was “forced into a decision.” What often occurs when one spouse does feel “forced”, is that this spouse will unconsciously “undo” the actual decision made. This can occur by a spouse “forgetting to meet you at 3pm”, leaving the house a mess, or any number of various upsetting situations. Thus, though they are consciously agreeing, a husband or wife will unconsciously give up on their agreed decision. In the sense, a spouse can feel that “nobody's home”, as their united effort and good will have been negated.
An example of compromise can be seen in relation to “freedom on weekends.” Though both husband and wife would like to feel more free at this time, time constrains deem it impossible. Thus , perhaps saying that Shabbos will basically be for one, and Sunday for the other (in relation to major household responsibilities). Can be such a compromise. Both are “giving up one day”, but both are gaining special time for themselves.
Before one can arrive at such a compromise, one needs to be able to communicate one's needs – i.e. why I need to have Sunday for myself, in the same way, the other spouse needs to be able to listen effectively, and take the time to understand the others position. In this way, compromise does not become a threat to one's sense of self.
An impediment to comprising (or problem solving), is a person's lack of experience in doing it. If one's parents usually found themselves in power struggles, little role modeling of effective problem solving was viewed by children in such a marriage. Thus, it may be particularly difficult for certain couples to feel comfortable in trying to problem solve.
However, striving to do this is an excellent role model for one's children. General power struggles in families often originate because both parents and children never learned to “be able to give in order to get”. Thus, attempting to compromise and problem solve in marriage, will only help with one's children – especially adolescence – and give them a method in which to work with, within your family and society at large.
Rav Dessler speaks of the ability go give-as reflecting the spiritual greatness within people. He stresses its greatness in marriage, particularly. As one's ability to give is truly g-d like, the potential of giving in marriage is a goal which all need to strive towards, in order to be more complete human beings.