Marital  Conflict

By: Shira Frank

Dear Shira

             I have recently begun to lose patience with my husband, who I have been married to for eleven years. If I tell him something that he doesn’t want to hear, he just ignores me. I have come to constantly screaming to express myself to him, but that doesn’t seem to help. He mentioned that he would like to improve things between us, but feels that I always overreact and doesn’t take me seriously. Do you have any suggestions to help this situation?

ANSWER:

                 Issues of anger in marriage often build over the years, and the ability to change negative behavior patterns can be difficult. In a study done working with over 2,000 couples over the pass 20 years (Family Networker,  May1994), certain enlightening data has been collected reflecting what has been helpful improving marriages.

              It is true that ideally, a marriage should consist of two adults who agree on majority of their major life issues and attitudes and having the ability to compromise on all remaining issues. When they disagree, they acknowledge differences, and are able to speak about them in a calm manner. If they cannot persuade the other side , the couple comes to a compromise. Yet n reality, many marriages do not work in such a blissful manner, yet how they resolve conflict, is an accurate barometer of the stability of a marriage. It is the balance between positive and negative emotional interactions in a marriage that reflects its well being. This study shows that marriages that maintain a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative interactions was  able to maintain itself successfully no matter what the actual personality types were of the couples themselves.  Marriage seems to strive on, proportionality, a little negativity and a lot of positivity.

          The main damaging forces in marriage seem to be criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stone walling (a spouse removing themselves emotionally from the other). It seems that your husband's response to your yelling is that of “stone walling.” A couple needs to re-negotiate ways of communication and use problem-solving alternative ways so that each spouse can relate to the other. By sitting down and attempting to understand how each desires to be spoken to, much can be accomplished. Communication needs to be developed, where one spouse needs to listen and not interrupt the other and take turns in attempting to communicate.

          In reality, each spouse in marriage wants to be taken seriously, and learning to communicate appropriately is a skill that often needs improving. With the general concept of accentuating what is positive in marriage (as the 5-1 ratio reflects). One can also help strengthen the general fabric of one's marriage by accentuating what is positive within one's marriage and family and life in general. If your husband feels part of the process of enriching your home with positive feelings and experiences, he may feel less of a need to detach himself from you and your family. Good luck in this most worthy endeavor.