Rekindling Sparks In Marriage

Shira Frank, LCSW

Q: I have been married for eleven years, and have four children , B'li ayin hora. My husband works late hours to help pay for our children's tuition, and I barley have time to speak to him during the week. (He sleeps through much of Shabbos.) His personality has become quite irritating to me – he just seems to  talk about his work, and doesn't seem to care to be part of my life. I sometimes wonder what the great advantage is in being married. Its almost as if I'm alone, even though I’m married.

A: The many storms of life wear down relationships between people – especially seen between husband and wife. The initial feeling that you (hopefully) felt towards your husband may have undergone change, as all emotions are transient. In fact, all emotions and thought process evolve within people as they grow and change throughout their life. Essentially this is the major challenge of marriage - each takes a “risk” that the two individuals will be able to deal with each others unique patterns of differences and growth as individuals, within their marriage.

            Though you seem disappointed in your present circumstance, certain factors may have led to this emotional separation between you and your husband, though you mention disappointment about your husband's over-involvement at work, you may need to introspect somewhat about this issue. To fill the void of a weak marital relationship, it is possible that one can put much energy in a job or being over-involved with ones children , as a means to compensate for the lack of a strong marriage.

            All important relationships need some type of consistent positive input in order to sustain its quality – be it a friendship or a boss – employee relationship. Sensitivity towards a spouse’s feelings is essential to marital growth. The basic aspect of positive input in a marriage, is through the vehicle of communication. The way one speaks often carries more than one's actual words. Many times, important messages between spouses are covered by sarcasm or ambiguity (One can ask oneself- “did he really mean that?”) and non-clear communication can build severe rifts between people. Attempting to understand one anothers reaction is of utmost concern. A person might sometimes need to ask obvious questions directly, such as, “are you saying that you want me to go because you don't want to go alone?” One cannot expect their words to be immediately understood, and think: “we've been living together so long – of course he/she understands me.” Sometimes spouses feel embarrassed or ashamed to speak of emotional need and speak of these needs in a very indirect manner. Effort need to be put in a way their words are being expressed and understood by the other spouse. Being clear and direct helps to elicit a sense of trust in a martial relationship.

            Distance can be also caused by a lack of “joining” positive communication between husband and wife. “Joining” positive statements are words that touch ones spouses kindness and see that it reflects the person’s higher self (reflecting a true Tzelem Elokim), the more a person's potential is revealed and appreciated. As Rav Nachman of Bratzlav suggests to find the “good point” in ourselves and in others, in order to elevate our limited vision of ourselves and others.

            If one stresses the “good points” of our spouse, their sense of self will improve and go beyond their limited vision of themselves. These “points” need to be something that is truly meaningful to you, and something which will help to remold your husband's vision of himself (beyond being an extension of the office). Such an example might be: “the fact that you responded in such a sensitive way shows what a fine person you are.”

            Another obvious but often forgotten idea, is that of arranging time to be alone with your husband, outside of your home . Even  if this is a ten minute walk on Shabbos, the quality of this time can facilitate a more intimate relationship between the two of you.

            Through working the continual emphasis on improving communication and stressing ones spouse's unique personality and spiritual potential, a “mundane” marital relationship can greatly improve. To create a sense of intimacy after a sense of distance has been existing, takes great effort. Yet the husband or wife who works towards these ideals will reap benefits from their sincere efforts.