The Need To Grow Up

Q: Dear Shira,

          Though I am married with a family for many years, I often feel like a little girl, In relation to my older sister and parents. I thought that once I would have a family of my own, I would be treated differently. Being the youngest, my opinion is not really responded in the family and I’m looked at one who always “needs help.” do you have any ideas about what I can do to help this situation?

A: The first question that you need to ask yourself is; “What way am I portraying myself to my family? Am I setting myself up to seem like the relative who is always in the 'one down' position? Am I immediately asking for help from others or am I looking for my own inner resources?

          If you lack self confidence in decisions, your sense of ambivalence and discomfort about your actions will be apparent. If you doubt yourself and seem indecisive at times, other “helpful” relatives may feel that they are coming  to “the rescue” by giving their suggestions.

          You may need to be assertive in saying, “no thank you, I don't need your help right now.” You may need to speak to others who will convey a sense of concern and respect towards you. If you sense anger, part of your anger may reflect anger at yourself- anger that you have somehow allowed these relationships to continue in an unhelpful direction. All family members respond and react to one another, and an individual needs to break their part in an unhealthy cycle in order to improve familial situation. You cannot change your older sister or parents, but you can change the way that you interact with them.

          Some adults inadvertently belittle themselves in a joking way, which causes others to be more aware of their personal limitations. (“I guess she really is disorganized” can be a relative's response to a self deprecating joke.) One needs to stress their accomplishments and abilities when speaking to those who desire to put you in a “one down” position. One needs to show through words and actions that; “I am a person deserving of respect,” in order to change ones image in ones family.

          For psychologically non desirable reason, some of your family members might be quite unwilling to renege their position of absolute authority. To attempt to shift their vision of you, may be quite threatening. This process is gradual and professional help is sometimes necessary if such a transition is a difficult one for families.

          Some families find it especially hard for the “youngest” child to truly “grow up,” as each face their own aging process, and with it, the temporality of life. However, through your improved self esteem and assertiveness, I am sure that improvement can occur within your family.

Shira Frank, LCSW Is a parent trainer and psychotherapist.