We all know that Shalom Bayit is a dynamic state of communication, giving,receiving,and understanding and probably a whole lot more. But you have tried all that and there are still problems. Let's begin discussing communicating and see if there is ground we have not yet covered. 

According to many therapies communication is the first step towards intimacy.

It might seem far-fetched to think if intimacy s not joyful it could have something to do with how husband and wife communicate. However it could be worth some thought and some work.

      An important part of joyful communication is often overlooked . It has to do with Being clear. Often we thought we said what we needed or we thought we said what time an appointment is and then our spouse gets it wrong. Sometimes we are even sure what we said and yet it still did not get heard or something entirely different was heard.What could be going wrong?

     In many cases what is tremendously important to one spouse is not important to the other. When we explained what we needed at the store the other partner was busy thinking about what they needed. If they did not hear exactly they supposed they had heard or simply forgot what they heard all together. It would seem to be the easiest thing to mention about not being sure however it can be embarrassing to admit or worse it could be an invitation to criticism and so the partner who is supposed to know will not ask for clarity. Gently reminding our spouse is the simplest way to make sure   the real  facts get remembered

    There are also many occasions when my language is not always the clearest. My family might all be aware of this and yet in order not to hurt my feelings they refrain from explaining that it is not always clear what and when I am saying something. It might be a rude awakening to find that I often forget to say things simply enough that anyone would understand what I mean. The most useful approach to checking if I have been understood is to ask, Did you hear me ask for 3 milks at the store? Are you aware that the doctor's appointment is at 3 and you are the one to pick our som up after school to take him?

   Lastly there is a common practice called constructive criticism. This is supposed to be good for us. many times in life or during a day this is not an appreciated practice and causes listening to end.If both spouses  do appreciate constructive criticism there still might need to be an agreed upon time when we discuss this. If both parties do not agree then we might need a different route altogether. One way to express a need so it is not seen as criticism is to express it as what I would appreciate rather than dwell on what went wrong.

It would be wonderful if we could remember to lock the door at night.

or Would you mind calling me from the store before you leave so I can make last minute requests and make sure you have everything I need?

  In closing communication can be joyful when it is gentle and clear.

It is better to expect forgetfulness and to find a way to softly remind the other. It is best to agree what kind of criticism is appreciated and then work together to become one team by growing and improving.

Hope this is use full!

Chanarachel Frumin

marital and Family counselor

Director:Jerusalem Narrative Therapy Institute

0544799441