âIt is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune must
be in want of a wife.â
Thus begins Jane Austenâs classic marriage-themed novel, Pride and Prejudice.
To adapt the line for our world: cross out âin possession of a good fortuneâ (not a requirement)
and exchange âshouldâ for âmust.â For while it is incumbent upon men and women in frum
society to marry, it appears that some who want to want to get married are held back by fears of
commitment.
What are some of the unconscious rules by which these âShidduch-Shyâ live their lives?
Rule #1: Prepare your exit from the start.
Meshulam had always been adamant he wanted a younger girl, even though he was now 30.
But he had met his match in a new shadchan his mother sent him to, who (âjust trust meâ)
concealed Kaylaâs age. Some good Jewish geography on a third date brought reality to the fore,
to Meshulamâs disappointment.
âLook,â he said, âit means a lot to me to marry a younger woman. But, I like you more than a lot
of girls, so why donât we see how it goes?â
Kayla was thrilled to have a second chance, and the couple progressedâalbeit slowlyâto the
point of a real relationship. In fact, Meshulam seemed closer to Kayla than to any other girl heâd
dated. But as the time came when parents, shadchan, and Kayla herself felt a proposal should be
in the works, none was forthcoming.
Finally Kaylaâs parents had words with the shadchan who had words with Meshulam who told
Kayla they had to âtalk.â
It boiled down to this: Kayla was a wonderful girl; Meshulam liked and respected her and
wanted the best for her. But, really, heâd always said how important it was to him to marry a
younger woman, and Kayla wasâolder. He was sorryâit just wouldnât work.
Meet Meshulam, one of the Shidduch-Shyâwho held his exit card all along.
Rule # 2: Keep yourself unavailable.
When dating, the Shidduch-Shy may keep her date at armâs length. Even as the relationship
progresses, she does not make extra time for its growth. Motzei Shabbos and Wednesday night
work just fine for getting together.
Yitzyâs first few dates hadnât gone well, and he wondered if the whole process might not be for
him, when he met Rena. Lovely, intelligent, livelyâshe seemed perfect. If he had complaints
early on, it was in the amount of time it took her to get back to the shadchan.
It took her a while to agree to âgraduateâ from the shadchan. When Yitzy pressed she said she
preferred having an intermediary, which prevented things from speeding up too soon.
When finally they were on their own to manage their dating schedule, Yitzy found Rena to be
anything but available. Family simchas, homework, shiurim she attended, plans with friendsâ
she was busy, busy, busy. But she had plenty of time for long late-night phone chats. At the
three-month point, Yitzy confronted Rena about the pace of the process.
âLook, Yitzy, Iâm a busy, social, well-rounded person. I donât have time to spend every minute
of every day with you. Youâre just too needy for me.â
Meet Rena, the Armâs-Length Girl.
Rule # 3: The more available your partner, the more you want to run. Sheâs less available?
Time to be interested.
Sarah and Shmuel were making progress, even though the relationship was long-distance. Each
dating event meant flying to the otherâs city, and therefore entailed three or four dates over a
long weekend. Just as it came time for the marriage conversation, Shmuel announced he âwanted
a break.â Shocked, Sarah cried hard, then, recovering her dignity, said,
âNo breaks. If you donât want to move forward, weâre finished.â Once she gave him the cold
shoulder, he was interested again, and asked for another go-round.
The healthy adult usually feels closer to others reciprocally: The more you like me, the more I
like you. The Shidduch-Shy are drawn to unavailable people, or people threatening to leave a
relationship. Itâs safer that way.
Meet Shmuelâwho only runs after the one who runs away.
Rule #4: Insist upon a trait in a partner thatâs trivial or very hard to find, and be rigid in
your dating needs.
How about the âboyâ (a man in his mid-30s) who only dates blondes, or the older girl who wonât
consider the fellow with a receding hairline? Or the man in his 40s who owns a business in
his hometown of Phoenix, dates in New York, and âmightâ eventually move his businessâif
he finds the right girl. Or the very tall fellow who wonât date short women because âeveryone
will stare at us?â â¦. The new baâales tâshuva who wonât contact a shadchan because she
doesnât âwant to be an index card in someoneâs file?â â¦The almost- 40-year-old man who kept
his out-of-town date âon iceâ for four days because he only dates in Manhattan, even though she
got herself to his home base of Monsey?
Meet Mr./Miss Impossible, who only wants what he or she canât have.
Some say to tread cautiously if you see your date following these kinds of rules. I say to tread
your way out of the relationship. Your time and energy are better spent elsewhere, preparing to
build a bayis neâeman bâyisrael with someone who intends to do so. Sooner is better than later to
break off with such distancers.
An additional note to shadchanim: Your time, efforts, and feelings count, too. Donât break your
heart over the un-reformed Shidduch-Shy either. Move on to people willing to risk a relationship.
And if you tell me theyâll eventually get married, I answer, âGezunte Hait.â
Candida Abrahamson is a mediator and counselor, both in her native Chicago, and nation-wide
(via phone sessions). A mediator for families and businesses, as well as divorce. She has 28
years of experience in family and couples coaching, grief and cancer counseling, and life
management strategies. You can find her at http://www.candidaabrahamsonphd.com and read
more of her writings http://candidaabrahamson.wordpress.com. She can be contacted at
[email protected]
Sidebar Recommendation:
A checklist of the four ârules for the shidduch shyâ:
RULES FOR THE SHIDDUCH-SHY
Rule #1: Prepare your exit from the start.
Rule # 2: Keep yourself unavailable.
Rule # 3: The more available your partner, the more you want to run. Sheâs
less available? Time to be interested.
Rule #4: Insist upon a trait in a partner thatâs trivial or very hard to find, and
be rigid in your dating needs.