Frum Therapist: Mental Health Resources for the Frum Community

Therapy Thinks and Thoughts

A selection of articles, musings, and information detailing the struggles of the ordinary person; a celebration of the individual's resilience to overcome challenges and live authentically.

my-new-book-therapy-shmerapy

In THERAPY, SHMERAPY; Demysifying Therapy Even for Those Who Don't Need It, you are in for a revealing session behind the closed doors of the therapy room. As a popular columnist, therapist Mindy Blumenfeld, LCSW, has been dazzling her audience in Binah Magazine and on her blog. Here is the real story of therapy: honest, eye-opening, sharp, and often funny. In this collection of thought-provoking essays you will find out what is therapy; who need …

my-new-blog-at-nefesh-update

My blog has been moved to OKclarity.com. Thank you again for following me on my blog here at frumtherapist, and thank you readers for alerting me that my link to my other blog at Nefesh website is incorrect. Here is the correct link https://nefeshinternational.org/blogs/MindyBlumenfeldLCSW    …

my-new-blog-at-nefesh

For all my loyal readers, just wanted to let you know that I am moving my blog to the Nefesh website, called In My Mind (and on the couch).  I will be posting, as I usually do, every Sunday, weekly. Please join me at  https://nefeshinternational.org/blogs/Mindy Blumenfeld LCSW.  …

in-therapy-and-dating-i-dont-want-him-to-know

 NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH'S BI-WEEKLY COLUMN THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE I really need to have a heart-to-heart talk to certain somebodies. And it may be you I am talking to, so listen up. Lots of people are in therapy today. No, I am not getting into a discussion about why there are more people than ever today in therapy. All I am going to say on the subject is that people are refusing to be miserable any more t …

deprived-of-touch-we-lose-our-touch

  When a set of twins were born prematurely and were hooked up to every wire and tube necessary to keep them alive, here were the doctor's stringent orders to their mother, “You must touch them every single day.” So the mother watched in horror as every lifesaving tube and wire was unhooked but, as the nurses emphatically explained as they gently placed her tiny, fragile twins into her arms, “Your children need your touch t …

is-there-a-therapist-in-the-house-living-with-a-therapist

  “Why don't you write about what it's like to live with a therapist,”' my husband suggests. “I don't want to make my readers jealous that they don't have an in-house therapist,” I say. “If I write the column,” my husband observes, “they will know that they have nothing to be jealous of.” So this column is for all those married to therapists who wish their spouses had normal jobs, for all th …

my-daughter-wants-to-marry-a-kollel-guy-and-we-dont-want-parents-ask-the-therapist

  Question: My daughter really wants to marry a Kollel guy,which will require us to help support her for the first few years of marriage. While we have a substantial income and if we cut back on some luxuries we can afford to help her out,we were raised that a man should support his family,and don't really want to change our lifestyle to accommodate my daughter's hashkafa which we don't agree with. What do you suggest?   Answer: Love …

blind-as-a-bat--turn-on-the-light-stigma-in-therapy

  NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH'S BI-WEEKLYN THERAPY COLUMN A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE   Maybe you will recognize yourself in this article. Maybe you will recognize someone else you know; a child, a spouse, a parent, or a student. And then maybe, once you recognize that person, stuff about therapy will make more sense to you. The stigma of therapy will seem silly to you. You might turn to your newly wed wife and ask curiously, & …

protecting-our-elderly-protecting-ourselves

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN THERAP:Y A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE It's seems so strange to write about a social problem that seems so at odds with our community's values. Elder abuse? What on earth is that? When I was in college going for my social work degree, my first internship was in a home care agency. Most of the agency's clients were people who had been discharged from hospitals and rehabilitation centers …

are-you-a-teenager-read-this

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY MISHPACHA TEEN MAGAZINE Look, I am not going to convince you that you need therapy. I am not jumping out of this page to drag you off to my office! I am not even going to find out who you are. So why are you afraid to read this article? You are not afraid? Good. So it doesn't make you nervous that I am a therapist? Really? That's refreshing because when I officially became a therapist, my so …

trouble-with-tv-a-father-asks-the-therapist

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S COLUMN ASK THE THERAPIST Question: We are a family with 4 children,ages 2-10. My wife wants to get rid of our television,as she doesn't want the kids exposed to all the immorality,and non-Torah values that are on television. I feel that I need the television to relax during my "down time" after a long day of work,and if we monitor what the children watch there will be no issues …

fun-with-family-therapy

  NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S BI-WEEKLY COLUMN THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE So just when you thought you knew everything you needed to know about therapy for individuals, I am going to give the rug underneath you a little jerk, and topple you over with another model of therapy called family therapy. Yep, you heard right. Family therapy is when the family comes into the therapy room. Yeah, I know. Just imagining yo …

the-religious-therapist-and-ethical-conundrums

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH'S COLUMN: THERAPY: A SNEAK PEAK INSIDE The teenager sitting in my office is mechallel Shabbos. Eats treif. Wants to wear pants. The couple coming to me for marital counseling is in pain. They are the sweetest people and want desperately to make their marriage work. But he is a Kohen and she is a divorcee. For another client, obsessive-compulsive behavior is manifesting itself in religious ri …

in-defense-of-the-defense-mechanisms-and-sometimes-just-defensive

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN: THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE “She's in total denial. Not that I blame her. Who wants to deal with such a problem?” Recognize that line? She — whoever that she is in your life — is in denial about any number of things. That her daughter bullies others at school, that her son needs tutoring, that she is too picky about shidduchim, that her mother is ver …

my-parents-cant-know-treating-a-teen-client-without-parental-consent

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN: THERAPY, A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE Confession here. I love to argue, create controversy, get people all up in arms. I thrive on it. It's like we can be sitting at a family get-together, and everyone is actually getting along, and I will throw in some comment that I just know will spark some excitement. “Do you do this on purpose?” my important Others ask partly laughin …

i-cant-afford-chanukah-gift-giving-a-struggling-parent-asks-the-therapist

Every Chanuka I have the same dilemma: we have family friends who always buy expensive gifts for my children,Unfortunately I don't have the means now to reciprocate as I was able to in the past. My husband doesn't want people to know that we've fallen on hard time,yet I can't afford to reciprocate. How do you suggest we handle this situation?   Answer: You know that old joke that if you buy your child the most expensive gift, he will spend a …

mandating-reporting-a-therapists-nightmare

NOTE: THIS WAS PUBLISHED ORIGINALLY IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE   It is a therapist's worst nightmare. Mine, at least. The night before I begin therapy with a client under eighteen, I do not sleep that well. It is the specter of fear in having to report abuse to child protective services. Parents, teachers and principals call me to take on their teenager or student as a client. The kid is acting out in all sorts …

ask-the-therapist-protecting-my-child-from-influences-around-him

  This past Simchas Torah in my shul,some of my friends drank a little too much. These friends are good husbands,and fathers who got a little carried away. My son was in shul with me,and I don't want him to think it's OK to get drunk. How do I explain this without putting down my friends,who in many cases are the parents of his friends? NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE IN THE MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST& …

mad-for-medication-desperate-for-drugs-whats-the-deal-with-taking-meds-for-depression-and-anxiety

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE   Look, the only thing I can do is give you straight talk from the perspective of a therapist. I refuse to give you medical advice. I refuse to make the decision for you. I refuse to convince you one way or another whether or not to fill your prescription for Lexapro, Xanax, Wellbutrin, or Clonepine. I absolutely refuse. And here's why. Lit …

on-reading-a-daughters-diary-or-emails-trusting-your-children

NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY WRITTEN FOR BINAH MAGAZINE   Of course I have been tempted! Her journal, or diary, or story for school, is right out there in plain sight, and I am overcome with curiosity to read what my daughter writes. So, I will ask her. And if she would say, “Ma-a-a-a! It’s private.” then I tell Curiosity to please find another parent to drive crazy, because the answer is no. Believe me, I battle wi …

life-sentence-a-therapist-speaks-from-inside-the-prison

 NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH'S COLUMN THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE Personally, I don't hold a gun to anyone's head, forcing them into my room for therapy. Maybe parents or spouses do that, but not me. So when new clients come into my office, even the ones who made their own decision to make that first appointment, they oftentimes walk in the door as if it were a jail cell, a holding pen until their execution. So ine …

kvetches-complaints-and-criticism-how-to-tell-your-therapist-what-is-wrong-with-her

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN UNMASKING THE MYSTIQUE OF THERAPY   You are paying me, for goodness sakes. And now that it's clear that you are a customer for my services, same as when you hire a contractor, plumber, teacher, or maid, you expect results. And if not, you voice your complaints. Right? Right. “Yeah, sure,” you are thinking. “No way am I telling my therapist my complaints abo …

when-a-teacher-and-your-child-are-not-a-good-fit-a-parent-asks-the-therapist

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO'S COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST   Question: My ten year old's new teacher has very strict rules. Many students do well with her but my daughter has a lot of difficulty adapting to her rigid style. What can we do to ensure she has a successful year?   Answer: When I was a kid, I devoured books about children growing up in the 1800's who were educated, together with their siblings, by governe …

how-does-an-introverted-parent-show-love-to-his-child

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO'S MONTHLY COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST   Question: I am by nature an introverted and quiet person. My wife tells me that my quiet nature affects the children because I don't show them enough love and affection. I agree with her, yet it's very hard to change my nature. How would you advise me to work on changing my introverted tendencies to become more affectionate and expressive?   Answer: …

challenge-of-change-effects-of-parental-loss

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN LINKS A MAGAZINE FOR TEENS WHO HAVE SUFFERED PARENTAL LOSS   If you would have to choose an alternate lifetime of living in any form except for a human being, how many of you would choose to be a rock? Crazy, you are thinking. “Who would want to be a rock? Maybe an animal, like a horse or cheetah or bird; maybe a tree, its branches laden with fruit and it's reaching upwards to the sk …

when-home-for-the-holidays-hurts

Rosh Hashanah. Yom Kippur. Succos. For some, these words conjure up memories of delicious hot challah dipped in honey, solemn time in shul followed by the sweetness of cake and coffee at the breaking of the fast, the warmth and camaraderie of siblings and cousins squashed in a Succah lovingly designed by a parent and created with the children, and the noisy, fun, crazy beauty of yom tov together with family. For others, these same words create s …

my-daughter-in-law-is-a-spendthrift-a-mother-asks-the-therapist

NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO'S COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST   QUESTION: I am the parent of a young married couple who is learning in kollel. We send generous support to the couple every month .Recently, my son told me that he needs more money in order to make ends meet. My wife and I both know that it's because his wife overspends on unnecessary luxuries. On one hand I don't want my son to go into debt, yet on the other h …

new-year

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S COLUMN ASK-THE-THERAPIST   Question: Every year around Rosh Hashonah time, I make resolutions to try and improve and become a better person. The resolutions usually last a few weeks or months, and then I find myself slipping. Eventually they are forgotten about. What can I do to make my resolutions last?  Answer: Ahhhh. The good ol' New Year's Resolutions. We start of …

how-do-i-juggle-all-my-roles-a-confused-guy-asks-the-therapist

NOTE: This article was originally published by Jewish Echo Magazine in Ask-the-Therapist column   Question: As a 35-year-old working father of five, I often find myself feeling frustrated. Between my responsibilities as a breadwinner, father, husband, community member, and learner,I often have difficulty juggling everything. How do I prioritize all these responsibilities?   Answer: First off, I do hope that your wife appreciates being …

how-do-i-make-family-time-in-the-bungalow-colony-

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN THE COLUMN ASK THE THERAPIST OF JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE   Question: An integral part of my family life is spending quality "family time" with my children. When we go to the bungalow colony in the summer, I feel that because all the families are so close together, we lose that special "family time" element. How can I preserve that over the summer?   Answer: To be perfectly honest, your question …

response-to-marital-dispute-to-the-catskills-for-the-summer-

Last summer, the July column in Jewish Echo Magazine, answering the concerns of a man whose wife wanted to go to the bungalow, garnered a passionate response from readers. Here is my response, a little belated, concise, but addressing the salient points. You can refer to the blog article To the Catskills for the Summer: A Marital Dispute and the comments posted   It's not for nothing that there's an old joke that where there are tw …

camp-blues-and-pinks-coping-with-camp-after-the-loss-of-a-parent

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED BY LINKS, AN ORGANIZATION DEDICATED TO SUPPORTINGCHILDREN AND TEENS                     WHOSE PARENT(S) HAS DIED I went to camp because I loved sports. Everything else seemed silly to me. And I wonder now how idiotic camp seems to a girl whose parent has just died. And she watches from a place far away how her fellow campers can get all excited abo …

death-by-conjunction

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE I find lessons in the oddest places. Just the other day, sitting in a workshop geared for mental health professionals, I learned that if the wrong conjunction lands up in a sentence, a judge could condemn a man to death. Yep. Death by conjunction***. A conjunction, for those of you like me, who cut grammar class and have only a vague recollection of the word, is the sum total of eig …

are-boundaries-bonding-or-backfiring-a-follow-up-article-to-bound-to-boundaries

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH MAGAZINE'S COLUMN A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE AS A RESPONSE TO AN OUTPOURING OF LETTERS GENERATED BY THE PREVIOUS ARTICLE BOUND TO HAVE BOUNDARIES (ALSO ON MY BLOG)  If I would have known what an outpouring of mail and phone calls my article Bound to Have Boundaries would generate, I would have hired a secretary! Instead, I read through all the mail on my own, took careful notes, and now write t …

my-sons-new-wife-is-a-spendthrift-a-mother-in-law-asks-for-advice

NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN JEWISH ECHO MAGAZINE'S ASK THE THERAPIST  QUESTION: I am the parent of a young married couple who is learning in kollel. We send generous support to the couple every month .Recently, my son told me that he needs more money in order to make ends meet. My wife and I both know that it's because his wife overspends on unnecessary luxuries. On one hand I don't want my son to go into debt, yet on the …

our-community-does-not-recognize-evil

  NOTE: THIS WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN "A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE," AN ONGOING COLUMN IN BINAH MAGAZINE Our community is a marvelous place to raise children. Within a radius of twenty or so blocks, they are located near their grandparents, cousins, schools, shuls, and assorted Uvos U’Banim events they choose to attend. They are enveloped in the security of their close contact with their principals and teachers whom they meet in shul, on th …

bound-to-have-boundaries-stuff-about-therapeutic-boundaries-you-may-want-to-know

NOTE: THIS COLUMN WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN BINAH'S THERAPY: A SNEAK PEEK INSIDE Listen to me. You may find yourself in this scenario. For months you have been miserable. Maybe years. You have spoken to friends, confided in mentors, consulted with rabbis, and vented to sisters. And you just couldn't seem to feel better. So you let your husband, your friend, your rav, even your own dear self, convince yourself to try therapy. And you do. And, …

coming-home-now-what-coping-with-changes-in-the-home-following-a-year-in-seminary

NOTE: THIS ARTICLE WAS ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED IN LINKS, A MAGAZINE GEARED TO TEENS WHOSE PARENT(S) HAS DIED    I’m back. I have some more stuff to tell you. And you may not want to listen, and that’s okay. My kids often don’t listen to me, either. Except that they secretly are, when they think I don’t see. So maybe you can pretend not to listen; or, when you think I am not looking, you can read this article. Becaus …

open-letter-from-a-therapist-to-a-new-client

You walk in to my office for the first time. It is an interview, for both of us, and we both don’t want to fail. There is much you learn about me although I reveal nothing verbally. My office is simple. Four walls. A chair. A couch. A lamp. My books line the shelves. They tell the story of what interests me, theories and philosophies that inform my orientation and work. My diplomas and certificates are framed, hanging quietly on the wall. Y …

help-a-husband-asks-about-juggling-all-his-roles-without-dropping-the-ball

Question: As a 35-year-old working father of five, I often find myself feeling frustrated. Between my responsibilities as a breadwinner, father, husband, community member, and learner,I often have difficulty juggling everything. How do I prioritize all these responsibilities?   Answer:             First off, I do hope that your wife appreciates being married to such a wonderful guy who …