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Positive Psychology with Dr Morris Mann
Morris Mann,
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FATHERS AND SONS
Author: Morris Mann,

                 Morris N. Mann, Ph.D.
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Elton John was moved to tears when he saw the movie Billy Elliot John was identified with the eleven-year-old hero and his determination to dance. Billy Elliot faced major opposition from a tough coal mining father.

When Billy’s  antagonistic  father finally saw him perform on stage in "Swan Lake." John was emotionally overwhelmed. He cried. It poignantly reminded him of his own strained relationship with his father.

 "My father never came to see me when I was successful” the 63 years old singer said. .  I would I ld have loved to have had my dad see me when I was at my peak - but he didn't and it hurt.

Elton John’s reaction captures our attention because Elton John is an accomplished world known performer.  Even when one is a celebrity, and one’s father may not be accomplished, a son wants his father to be proud of him.

A father is traditionally the primary breadwinner in the family.  . He provides for the family’s needs for support and safety. Achieving this requires a father to be successful and accomplished. .

In today’s work environment to be  accomplished and successful requires investing a lot of time outside the home.  This becomes a major challenge for a father who needs to balance time with at work and time with their sons and daughters.

This requires a father to make a sincere commitment to his role as father, and internalize it as being as important as his work.
 
ADOLESCENCE

A major challenge for fathers and sons is when the a son becomes a teenager.. Adolescence is a natural and healthy time period of rebellion. It is when the young male tries to come out on his own from under the shadow of his father. He is trying to become is own person. If a father does not understand of this need it can lead to major arguments and tension.

Some of the challenges faced by a father are:  a son who becomes interested in things that his father has no connection to;  a son who takes on religious, cultural or lifestyle values that are different;  and a son who is irresponsible with money and his work.

Being a father to such a teenage means son encouraging your son to pursue an area of interest in which he grows, learns and develops skills. This can be in areas of sports, music, art, computer,or drama. The key is for the child to learn self-discipline and responsibility in reaching goals.

How you listen and communicate is important too. As a father you should listen patiently and try to understand your son when he has something to say and give him respect. At the same time you must teach him to listen and be empathic to you.
 
YOUNG ADULT
This is a crucial time period in which a son needs to earn his independence. He does this by proving himself at work and beginning to earn money. In most cases  this starts with a decision about education after high school. While what to learn should be the choice of the son, it is the responsibility of a father to check what he is thinking That means asking questions about practicality of his future plans.

A father needs to balance support for a son at this stage together with allowing him to learn and make mistakes on his own. It means offering advice about career and training, but by giving the son respect that the decision is his alone. It means letting the son know he is accountable for his decisions. It also means helping him financially but making him accountable at the same time
 
FAMILY BUSINESS
The challenge of supporting a son and encouraging him to be successful and responsible is most evident in a family business. What also come into play within  a family business is the son’s wish to overtake his father and be even more successful.  While Sigmund Freud considered this function the Oedipal complex, it is something most fathers would support. But, it needs to be accomplished through hard work, advanced skills and through cooperation.

Giving a son preferred treatment and promoting him to positions he was never trained or qualified for can be a recipe for failure - it is detrimental to the business and the father son relationship. The most successful model for a son joining a family business is when the  son develops an  independent record of achievement and success prior to joining the business.  .

Therefore, in working with a family business there are clear guidelines for hiring a son or a close family relative.  Make sure the family employee brings meaningful work experience from outside the family business. The family member should have a clearly defined entry level job and work his way up. He should be assigned a mentor to learn from other than his father.  (note – similar guidelines apply for mothers and daughters)  Lastly, the job that is filled needs to be one that is needed and required by the company.
 
ROLE MODEL
No matter how you act and what you do as a father what matters most is who you are. You are a role model for him about how to live his life. If done correctly you will be a role model for him to emulate. If not, he will try to be the opposite of you and find someone else.

As I learned from my own father, being a role model never ends. You always look at how your father as he takes on challenges and enjoys things during later stages in life.

“Remember any man can easily be a father, but it takes commitment and hard work to to have you son treat you as “dad”  Anonymous
 
Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Life Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and solo business owners achieve positive goals.  He has an office in  Jerusalem. [email protected] -  www.morrismann.com
 Information on Forwarding and Posting
(c) 2011  Morris Mann
You are welcome to forward this e-mail if you would like, but only in its entirety and unedited.  This material may not be published in print or posted on a web site without the express, written consent of the author
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IS HESED PART OF OUR NATURE?
Author: Morris Mann,

"A man is called selfish not for pursuing his own good, but for neglecting his neighbor's." Richard Whately It was 1964 in Queens NYC, and it seemed like a run of the mill homicide, yet after investigation of the details, it left the police commissioner and a NY Times reporter aghast. Catherine Genovese was killed in a late night attack on her home street. Her death had been a long, loud, tortured, public event. Her assailant had chased and atta …
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BE OPTIMISTIC AND REALISTIC
Author: Morris Mann,

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty" Winston Churchill All of us worry about what will happen in the future. It is natural and even healthy. Some people worry all the time and live with the same sense of hyper-vigilance and worry about danger. The first smell of smoke in the house, the siren of a police car, the crash of thunder, and the first sign of fever can make many peo …
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GRATITUDE: BE HAPPY WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT!
Author: Morris Mann,

"Train yourself never to put off the word or action for the expression of gratitude."
-- Albert Schweitzer Telling people who mean the most to us how thankful we are that they are on the planet does not come naturally. Even if we consider expressing it, we often shrink in embarrassment. In his Positive Psychology class 10 years ago, Martin Seligman (Professor of psychology at the University of Pennsylvania and the father of Positive Psych …
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PARENTING: RELIGION and SPIRITUALITY
Author: Morris Mann,

A Jerusalem Post Column
Nov 26, 2010
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When I use the word spirituality …. I mean whatever it is that helps you feel connected to something that is larger than yourself. - Dean Ornish

Recent surveys of religion in the USA indicate that people's affiliation with religion is becoming more diverse and fluid. More than 40% of American adults have left the f …
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Take A Break and BE MORE EFFECTIVE
Author: Morris Mann,

Take A Break and BE MORE EFFECTIVE

A Jerusalem Post Column
Dec 17, 2010
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"To maintain a powerful pulse in our lives, we must learn how to rhythmically spend and renew energy" Tony Schwartz

Controlling and managing our time is a major challenge that has spawned a thriving industry in "Time Management".

It wasn't so long ago in …
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Moving Forward
Author: Morris Mann,

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WE NEED TO FEEL AWE NOT AWESOME EXPERIENCES

A Jerusalem Post Column
Dec 31, 2010
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Many people are awestruck in the presence of celebrities. These celebrities are usually movie stars or sports heroes, with great talent, looks or skill. It is an admiration for a status or ability tha …
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CHALLENGES for 21st CENTURY FATHERS
Author: Morris Mann,

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CHALLENGES for 21st CENTURY FATHERS

A Jerusalem Post Column
Jan 21, 2011
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For decades the debate about balancing work and family life has been framed as an issue for women. The women's liberation movement fought to give work and professional career opportunities for women alongside men. The succ …
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DONT USE REWARD AND PUNISHMENT FOR LONG TERM SUCCESS
Author: Morris Mann,

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DON'T USE REWARD AND PUNISHMENT FOR LONG TERM SUCCESS
A Jerusalem Post Column
Feb 4, 2011
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"Rewards and punishment are the lowest forms of education" - Chinese philosopher
It has been accepted that the most effective way to motivate people in business is to use money. Reward by paying more and punish …
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ARE SELF ESTEEM and GOOD CHARACTER COMPATIBLE
Author: Morris Mann,

A Jerusalem Post Column
Mar 1, 2011
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We need to foster good character as much or more than good self esteem !

If you google parenting and self-esteem you will find there are close to 2 million results. It has become an accepted that the primary job of parenting is to build your child's self-esteem. A typical argument is put forward by http://www.EffectiveParent …
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ARE YOU FLOURISHING
Author: Morris Mann,

The "grandfather" of positive psychology, Martin Seligman" just wrote a new book "Flourish". It is really great and gives a new definition to what "positive psychology is all about.

I wanted to share a couple of quotes and notes about it with you.

#1 "Well-being and not happiness is the topic of positive psychology"

Just being happy, in a good mood is too reliant on having a cheerful disposition. It l ma …
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Are You Born with Dignity?
Author: Morris Mann,

A Jerusalem Post Column
May 20, 2011
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"What is man that Thou are mindful of him? ….Thou has made him but little lower than the angels, and has crowned him with glory and honor" Psalms 8

Dignity is usually defined in moral terms as the innate right of each human being to respect and ethical treatment. This concept of human dignity is the basis fo …
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It is What You Do That Counts Not What You Say
Author: Morris Mann,

A Jerusalem Post Column
July 15, 2011
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"Whatyou care about - your values - is more basic than ethics" Martin Seligman.

When a mother rushes into a burning building to save her child, she is not acting ROM any ethical principle, it is not an ethical act. She is acting because she cares about her child.

Ethics and what wee care about are not …
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Facebook and Intimacy
Author: Morris Mann,

A Jerusalem Thought
Aug 19, 2011
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Last week the daughter of a friend of mine got engaged right before Shabbat. Years ago my daughter had been her counselor in camp, but I know they are not in touch. It took me a week to remember to send sent my daughter an email message: "did you hear that H got engaged? She answered by writing "Yes, I saw it". It me a split second to understand, but it mea …
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BEING HUMBLE IS A GOOD THING
Author: Morris Mann,

"Better it is to be of a humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud." Proverbs 16:19

Humility is often equated in people's minds with low self-regard. People tend to think of such a person as stooped shouldered, weak, and only too willing to yield to the wishes of others.

This stereotype of a meek person with low self-esteem is prevalent in dictionaries too. The Oxford English Dictionary def …
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