FATHERS-AND-SONS
Morris N. Mann, Ph.D. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Elton John was moved to tears when he saw the movie Billy Elliot John was identified with the eleven-year-old hero and his determination to dance. Billy Elliot faced major opposition from a tough coal mining father. When Billyâs antagonistic father finally saw him perform on stage in "Swan Lake." John was emotionally overwhelmed. He cried. It poignantly reminded him of his own strained relationship with his father. "My father never came to see me when I was successfulâ the 63 years old singer said. . I would I ld have loved to have had my dad see me when I was at my peak - but he didn't and it hurt. Elton Johnâs reaction captures our attention because Elton John is an accomplished world known performer. Even when one is a celebrity, and oneâs father may not be accomplished, a son wants his father to be proud of him. A father is traditionally the primary breadwinner in the family. . He provides for the familyâs needs for support and safety. Achieving this requires a father to be successful and accomplished. . In todayâs work environment to be accomplished and successful requires investing a lot of time outside the home. This becomes a major challenge for a father who needs to balance time with at work and time with their sons and daughters. This requires a father to make a sincere commitment to his role as father, and internalize it as being as important as his work. ADOLESCENCE A major challenge for fathers and sons is when the a son becomes a teenager.. Adolescence is a natural and healthy time period of rebellion. It is when the young male tries to come out on his own from under the shadow of his father. He is trying to become is own person. If a father does not understand of this need it can lead to major arguments and tension. Some of the challenges faced by a father are: a son who becomes interested in things that his father has no connection to; a son who takes on religious, cultural or lifestyle values that are different; and a son who is irresponsible with money and his work. Being a father to such a teenage means son encouraging your son to pursue an area of interest in which he grows, learns and develops skills. This can be in areas of sports, music, art, computer,or drama. The key is for the child to learn self-discipline and responsibility in reaching goals. How you listen and communicate is important too. As a father you should listen patiently and try to understand your son when he has something to say and give him respect. At the same time you must teach him to listen and be empathic to you. YOUNG ADULT This is a crucial time period in which a son needs to earn his independence. He does this by proving himself at work and beginning to earn money. In most cases this starts with a decision about education after high school. While what to learn should be the choice of the son, it is the responsibility of a father to check what he is thinking That means asking questions about practicality of his future plans. A father needs to balance support for a son at this stage together with allowing him to learn and make mistakes on his own. It means offering advice about career and training, but by giving the son respect that the decision is his alone. It means letting the son know he is accountable for his decisions. It also means helping him financially but making him accountable at the same time FAMILY BUSINESS The challenge of supporting a son and encouraging him to be successful and responsible is most evident in a family business. What also come into play within a family business is the sonâs wish to overtake his father and be even more successful. While Sigmund Freud considered this function the Oedipal complex, it is something most fathers would support. But, it needs to be accomplished through hard work, advanced skills and through cooperation. Giving a son preferred treatment and promoting him to positions he was never trained or qualified for can be a recipe for failure - it is detrimental to the business and the father son relationship. The most successful model for a son joining a family business is when the son develops an independent record of achievement and success prior to joining the business. . Therefore, in working with a family business there are clear guidelines for hiring a son or a close family relative. Make sure the family employee brings meaningful work experience from outside the family business. The family member should have a clearly defined entry level job and work his way up. He should be assigned a mentor to learn from other than his father. (note â similar guidelines apply for mothers and daughters) Lastly, the job that is filled needs to be one that is needed and required by the company. ROLE MODEL No matter how you act and what you do as a father what matters most is who you are. You are a role model for him about how to live his life. If done correctly you will be a role model for him to emulate. If not, he will try to be the opposite of you and find someone else. As I learned from my own father, being a role model never ends. You always look at how your father as he takes on challenges and enjoys things during later stages in life. âRemember any man can easily be a father, but it takes commitment and hard work to to have you son treat you as âdadâ Anonymous Dr Mann is a Clinical Psychologist and Certified Life Coach, who helps young adult males, adults in transition, and solo business owners achieve positive goals. He has an office in Jerusalem. [email protected] - www.morrismann.com Information on Forwarding and Posting (c) 2011 Morris Mann You are welcome to forward this e-mail if you would like, but only in its entirety and unedited. This material may not be published in print or posted on a web site without the express, written consent of the author
Read more