Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 11th, 2025

Holy Ashes Cleaning out the grill at the end of any usage, or even kashering the grill for pesach, is not a chore which I thoroughly enjoy (yes there are chores I thoroughly enjoy). I understand the importance of it. I know that cleaning will prepare the grill for the next fun usage. I remember the first time I noticed the mitzva of how we treat the ashes on the Mizbeach.1  It was about 45 years ago when I was studying in yeshiva in Israel a …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

April 4th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I’ve always struggled with my temper. Lately I’ve been realizing that it’s not always about how bad a situation is, but more about things not going the way I expected or planned. I’m starting to wonder if my anger has more to do with being rigid—like I just have a really hard time when things don’t go the way I think they should. Is that a common root of anger issues? Is that what I should …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

April 4th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I recently started therapy, and I can honestly say it’s been something I really need—it’s helping. But even though people say the stigma around therapy is fading, I still feel like many of my friends don’t really understand it. I could never imagine telling them I’m in therapy. Not long ago, one of my friends made a joke about people who go to therapy, and it really stung. I didn’t feel like I c …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

April 4th, 2025

Responsible Leader  Can you imagine someone running for public office, and their flyer would state that the candidate is a humble statesman? Or that he is modest? That candidate would become a laughingstock in the world of politics. And now, close your eyes and imagine the following. Imagine a leader saying: “oops.” Or “I made a mistake.”  Unthinkable! Yet, that is exactly what this parsha celebrates. We read of …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 28th, 2025

A Perfectly Imperfect World I can’t count how many times I’ve wanted things to go right. And how many times I felt the frustration, anger and disappointment when things didn’t go exactly to plan. It has ranged from embarrassing moments to medical surprises to getting cut off by another driver. Why can’t the world just be perfect?!?!? In this week’s parsha, we read of the actual building of the Mishkan. When …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 21st, 2025

Develop Your Gifts – Parshat Vayakhel I know I am not Rabbi Soloveichik. I am also not Michael Jordan. Nor am I Sir Elton John nor Dr. Viktor Frankl. I am me. I can look with jealousy at what they have achieved. Will that jealousy inspire me or send me into fits of frustration or depression? As I write these lines I also realize that Michael Jordan is not Elton John. Yes, I know that is kind of obvious but the realization was that each was …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

March 20th, 2025

Dear Therapist: Is feeling that I don't have anything to say in social situations social anxiety? Even in situations where I don't feel anxious, I have a hard time making conversation. Even when I am with people that I feel comfortable with. Am I just missing some sort of social skill or is this part of social anxiety? Or maybe this is just who I am and I should accept it. I would appreciate your advice. Thank you.    Response: At first …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

March 20th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I am writing regarding my 19-year-old daughter. She is doing well baruch Hashem but has always been a different personality than the rest of our family. She has also landed on a derech in life that, while she is living as a frum yid, is different than the way she was brought up. Our relationship has had its up and downs over the years but now I would say it is kind of neutral. Although we are accepting of her, …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 15th, 2025

What Does YOUR Name represent? I know, I know. It’s already after Shabbos. Its already after Purim. I just didn’t get my act together before Friday…and on Friday, well, let’s just say that I wasn’t fully focused. So, just a quick thought from today’s parsha. God is appointing Bezalel to build the Mishkan. He could have just said that He is calling upon Bezalel. But nooooo. He is calling upon the name of Bezal …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

March 7th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I enjoy your column every week. I appreciate how each of you have your own style and way of seeing things. I was wondering if you could each share your opinion on what you think is most misunderstood about therapy. How would you clarify and reframe it for those who may be considering therapy?    Response: Of course, as you said, all therapists have different styles and perspectives. (Thus, our responses to this question …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

March 7th, 2025

I find that I get very down and depressed after yomim tovim. Not just Purim but really every Yom Tov, and truthfully after every exciting time of year. I am sure most people have some sort of let down but with me it is really painful. As a matter of fact, when something enjoyable starts, I am already starting to think about how soon it will be over. I guess I just have a rough time with "regular life." How can I get better at handling this? …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

March 7th, 2025

I wonder if you have any suggestions for pulling out of what feels like a tailspin these last few weeks. I had been doing really well at work, at home, and in my learning and davening and suddenly I feel like I just lost all interest. It’s hard for me to get out of bed in the morning, I push off my chavrusah, and I am not paying attention at home or work. It seems to have come from nowhere. I know it will pass and I will get it together but …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

March 7th, 2025

For Whom the Menorah Shines?   I am often surprised about the care God takes in describing in the very details of the vestments of the Kohen in the Mishkan and the building materials and dimensions of the Mishkan.  In the very place where the kohen alone is allowed to “meet” God, there is seemingly undue concern about the clothing he wears and whether we use gold or silver for the Keruvim and why each part of the Mishkan was …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

February 21st, 2025

To Triumph – Parshat Mishpatim Much of logotherapy is about how to live our lives – be authentic, experience your life, be aware, be responsible to self and others. And, of course, to locate and live according to the unique and individual meaning we all have in our lives.   This week’s parsha adds another idea to help us in living a meaningful life and being responsible to others. The Torah discusses how we are expected to …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 18th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I really was not doing well during my mesivta years. I got into a lot of trouble and was a bit out of control. Baruch Hashem, I found myself the right yeshiva and I am really doing good now. I have cleaned up a lot of the issues that I was having trouble with in the past. Over the years people had pushed me to go to therapy but I was never really interested. Now, my parents are bringing it up again and I am more open to …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

February 13th, 2025

No Limits  We are all born into a certain culture. Each culture has sub-cultures with societal rules, many of which are unwritten. In some places those rules are so varied and complex that it is hard to understand them all and go through life adhering to all of them. There are class structures, glass ceilings or other Icarus-type barriers. There may be physical or psychological barriers to our growth as well. Even so, our ability t …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 12th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I recently began dating and was surprised that I was extremely nervous during the time I was dating that boy. This is a new experience for me, I am generally laid back and I have never been the anxious type. What bothered me the most was that during the 2 weeks I was dating I had no appetite and could barely eat anything.  When that match didn’t work out, I was back to myself, but then when I said yes to …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 12th, 2025

Dear Therapist: Is there a way to get my teenagers to be more organized and on top of things or is this just the way that they are and I should learn to live with it?  The constant forgetting and/or neglecting of responsibilities and the things they were asked to do, the oversleeping, and the mess in their rooms. These are great kids who are doing well in school and yeshiva so I don't want to complain, but as a mother it is really hard on me …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 12th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I was wondering what ideas you would suggest for enhancing communication in a marriage. This is for a couple that has good shalom bayis and is looking to work on it. Somehow although things are going well, when disagreements happen it is the same thing over and over. So, it seems that although there is a discussion, these issues are not resolved.  I don't think in this case therapy is really on the table but perhaps …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 12th, 2025

Dear Therapist: My son has a tendency to jump around yeshivos. He is in second year and now is talking about switching to another yeshiva which would be his fourth in 6 years. He always has a strong reason behind it, he wants a certain shiur, a better oylam, or just thinks it would be good to have a "fresh start." I would say he is about average in most of the places he has been and they have been happy with him, he seems to keep thinki …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

February 12th, 2025

Dear Therapist: I am almost always tired. I get a decent night's sleep, around 7 hours, which is certainly more than most people I know. Still, I have these constant feelings of fatigue throughout the day. I go to the doctor regularly so it isn't like I have some health issue that is causing it. Can this be mental health related? I think I am doing ok and I certainly don't suffer from any serious mental health issues. I guess I am not the happies …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 31st, 2025

How Quickly we Forget   It is incredible at times how quickly I can forget things – not only trivial items but significant ones as well. Whether it stems from a lack of concentration or simple forgetfulness is not the issue. It happens to most of us (except for my wife – her memory is impeccable).   Even the Torah tells of an extreme example of this. The Jews, the Torah recounts in this week’s parsha, are getting ready …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 24th, 2025

Hope in the Face of Failure   I hate failure. I hate it in all its forms when it is my own failure. I can at times hate it in others as well (hate the failure – not the person). I can hate it when someone of a sports team I’m following doesn’t succeed in advancing his team’s fortune.   It can be comforting at times to know that great people have failed as well. Elvis, Dr. Seuss, and Edison all failed on their way …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 17th, 2025

When Will I Get Over It? We have all experienced surprises in life. Many are pleasant yet many are not.  The pleasant ones leave fond memories. The ones which are not pleasant often leave dirty footprints. How do we clean them up?   Moshe, in this week’s parsha, calls his eldest Gershom due to the difficulties he experienced living in a foreign land.1 Though he was married to a good family, he still felt like a stranger. In contra …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 10th, 2025

Dear Therapist:  I have a question I would like to hear your opinion on. I am an American bachur learning in Eretz Yisroel and I share a dirah with 5 other bachurim. In general, we try to keep the dirah clean, including a thorough cleaning once a week. About half a year ago we took in a bachur that apparently has major OCD. Every night after everyone else goes to sleep he gets to work sp …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 10th, 2025

Dear Therapist: Thank you for allowing us to gain so much from your collective wisdom each week. I'm in my fifties and watch my weight pretty carefully. I have a normal BMI. I avoid all the bad food at my workplace and stick to my healthy diet instead. Shabbos is my day off. My eating habits recently came up in therapy. My therapist felt that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  She said I should not be limiting my eating this way. S …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 9th, 2025

Dear Therapist: My 5th grade boy does not seem to be able to discern between playful teasing and really being bullied. When his friends tease him, his reaction is way out of proportion, which only leads to more problems with his friends because they find his reaction so overblown. My son doesn't seem to get it and complains to me that he is being "bullied." How can I help him see the difference, and get along better with his friends?   Respo …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 9th, 2025

Lazy or Resting   There are very few words that I will ask clients not to use in my clinic. They are not as you might think cuss words, but rather words which reflect a certain mindset which usually is not helpful for them.   One of those words is “lazy”. It is specifically a red light when a person uses it to describe himself. It is a word that is judgmental as well as humiliating – which may be the very reason the pe …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 2nd, 2025

So Happy I Could Die – Parshat Vayigash It seems like an innocent enough expression of happiness. ‘I am so happy I could die’ has become the title of a song by Lady Gaga and like many other phrases it has become a hackneyed, meaningless phrase expressing one’s happiness. After all, could one be so happy they could die?   In this week’s parsha, we find perhaps the earliest incident of someone saying ‘I&rsqu …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 26th, 2024

Surrender to What Is Surrender is not a word with pleasant connotations. I think of it in context of losing a war. “lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox.” Or, “Germany surrenders to allied forces.” Surrendering is not something I might wish to do.   And so, when I read the following idea in this week’s parsha it struck me as challenging and reminded me of a logotherapeutic concept.   Yakov, as we know, was …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

December 18th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have heard that people are developing AI therapy and that it could be just as effective as in person therapy. Setting aside for the moment the issues that come along with use of technology, I am wondering if you think this is, or can be, and effective method of therapy?   Response: Your question can be understood from a global perspective or with regard to specific needs for specific people within the context of a therapeut …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 19th, 2024

Questioning the Wanderer As a therapist, I often ponder what to ask when. Even the very first question we ask as a client comes in for their first session becomes a professional issue as I try to identify what message each question sends. How can I help empower a client from the get-go?   In this week's parsha, when Yosef was sent to visit his brothers and didn’t find them, the Torah tells us he wandered in the field. He met a man …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 11th, 2024

Joy or Despair I prefer a simple life. Meanings are easy to discern, events fit in nicely with my weltanschauung, there are no visible threats to my existence and in general I am feeling good about life. All too often, though, life throws me a curveball. Events happen that aren't always so easy to decipher. There may be too many options/ angles with which to understand an event, my ego may get in the way and there may be some threa …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 3rd, 2024

Fourth Time a Charm or Alone vs. Lonely In Israel, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the parallel phrase to “third time a charm” was “third time, ice cream.” Most people I know never actually bought or got ice cream even though the phrase is widely used. But it is at least brings a smile to peoples' faces.   We have noted in these pages before how careful/stingy the Torah is with its words. Very often the rabbi …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 28th, 2024

Dear Therapist: Is there a benefit to using therapy just for accountability? I pretty much know what I need to do but I push things off a bit and I find that it helps for me to have someone that I check in with weekly to keep me on my game. I have done therapy in the past for deeper issues but I feel like at this point it's more about taking action. I am considering resuming therapy but mostly just for the goal of being accountable to someone. Pu …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 28th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I enjoy your weekly responses and I think that it has provided me with a lot of insight into my own life. My question is: How would you define self-esteem? Is it the same thing as self-confidence? Is it something that someone can build on their own or must they be born and raised with? I understand that everyone might have a slightly different definition but I think I would appreciate hearing all of your perspectives on this. Than …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: We brought up our children simply and we tried to keep them pretty sheltered. Baruch Hashem many are married and have turned out well. One of our teenage boys has decided he was deprived and has now gone completely the opposite way where he says he needs everything he didn't have. Clothes, scooters, electronics, nothing bad per se, but definitely not how he was raised. We have been discussing with his rabbeim w …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 7-year-old daughter seems to have an unusual temper. I understand it's normal for a kid that age to have tantrums but this is something else. She seems to have actual rage. It is also kind of hard to predict what sets her off. Sometimes she goes to school without a fuss and sometimes she will insist she isn't going and it turns into a huge fight. The "switch" seems to turn off as quickly and unpredictably. What works with …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My husband and I have a wonderful marriage baruch Hashem. We share the same goals and are overall very much on the same page. One area where we keep having arguments is regarding finances. I am much more of a saver and a planner and he has an attitude of "we will figure it out." This is the kind of thing that keeps coming up again and again in our marriage and we just don't seem to have a path that works things out. …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have been struggling for many years with my davening. Many times, I feel that if I only put enough emotion and feeling into my davening, I can get the results that I want. The problem is that forcing myself backfires. It's hard to concentrate on the meaning of the words when trying to create feelings. In my case, I wind up worrying all day about my relationship with Hashem, if I am a good person, and if I am a proper&n …
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