Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 31st, 2025

How Quickly we Forget   It is incredible at times how quickly I can forget things – not only trivial items but significant ones as well. Whether it stems from a lack of concentration or simple forgetfulness is not the issue. It happens to most of us (except for my wife – her memory is impeccable).   Even the Torah tells of an extreme example of this. The Jews, the Torah recounts in this week’s parsha, are getting ready …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 24th, 2025

Hope in the Face of Failure   I hate failure. I hate it in all its forms when it is my own failure. I can at times hate it in others as well (hate the failure – not the person). I can hate it when someone of a sports team I’m following doesn’t succeed in advancing his team’s fortune.   It can be comforting at times to know that great people have failed as well. Elvis, Dr. Seuss, and Edison all failed on their way …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 17th, 2025

When Will I Get Over It? We have all experienced surprises in life. Many are pleasant yet many are not.  The pleasant ones leave fond memories. The ones which are not pleasant often leave dirty footprints. How do we clean them up?   Moshe, in this week’s parsha, calls his eldest Gershom due to the difficulties he experienced living in a foreign land.1 Though he was married to a good family, he still felt like a stranger. In contra …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 10th, 2025

Dear Therapist:  I have a question I would like to hear your opinion on. I am an American bachur learning in Eretz Yisroel and I share a dirah with 5 other bachurim. In general, we try to keep the dirah clean, including a thorough cleaning once a week. About half a year ago we took in a bachur that apparently has major OCD. Every night after everyone else goes to sleep he gets to work sp …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 10th, 2025

Dear Therapist: Thank you for allowing us to gain so much from your collective wisdom each week. I'm in my fifties and watch my weight pretty carefully. I have a normal BMI. I avoid all the bad food at my workplace and stick to my healthy diet instead. Shabbos is my day off. My eating habits recently came up in therapy. My therapist felt that I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  She said I should not be limiting my eating this way. S …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

January 9th, 2025

Dear Therapist: My 5th grade boy does not seem to be able to discern between playful teasing and really being bullied. When his friends tease him, his reaction is way out of proportion, which only leads to more problems with his friends because they find his reaction so overblown. My son doesn't seem to get it and complains to me that he is being "bullied." How can I help him see the difference, and get along better with his friends?   Respo …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 9th, 2025

Lazy or Resting   There are very few words that I will ask clients not to use in my clinic. They are not as you might think cuss words, but rather words which reflect a certain mindset which usually is not helpful for them.   One of those words is “lazy”. It is specifically a red light when a person uses it to describe himself. It is a word that is judgmental as well as humiliating – which may be the very reason the pe …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

January 2nd, 2025

So Happy I Could Die – Parshat Vayigash It seems like an innocent enough expression of happiness. ‘I am so happy I could die’ has become the title of a song by Lady Gaga and like many other phrases it has become a hackneyed, meaningless phrase expressing one’s happiness. After all, could one be so happy they could die?   In this week’s parsha, we find perhaps the earliest incident of someone saying ‘I&rsqu …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 26th, 2024

Surrender to What Is Surrender is not a word with pleasant connotations. I think of it in context of losing a war. “lee surrenders to Grant at Appomattox.” Or, “Germany surrenders to allied forces.” Surrendering is not something I might wish to do.   And so, when I read the following idea in this week’s parsha it struck me as challenging and reminded me of a logotherapeutic concept.   Yakov, as we know, was …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

December 18th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have heard that people are developing AI therapy and that it could be just as effective as in person therapy. Setting aside for the moment the issues that come along with use of technology, I am wondering if you think this is, or can be, and effective method of therapy?   Response: Your question can be understood from a global perspective or with regard to specific needs for specific people within the context of a therapeut …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 19th, 2024

Questioning the Wanderer As a therapist, I often ponder what to ask when. Even the very first question we ask as a client comes in for their first session becomes a professional issue as I try to identify what message each question sends. How can I help empower a client from the get-go?   In this week's parsha, when Yosef was sent to visit his brothers and didn’t find them, the Torah tells us he wandered in the field. He met a man …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 11th, 2024

Joy or Despair I prefer a simple life. Meanings are easy to discern, events fit in nicely with my weltanschauung, there are no visible threats to my existence and in general I am feeling good about life. All too often, though, life throws me a curveball. Events happen that aren't always so easy to decipher. There may be too many options/ angles with which to understand an event, my ego may get in the way and there may be some threa …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

December 3rd, 2024

Fourth Time a Charm or Alone vs. Lonely In Israel, I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the parallel phrase to “third time a charm” was “third time, ice cream.” Most people I know never actually bought or got ice cream even though the phrase is widely used. But it is at least brings a smile to peoples' faces.   We have noted in these pages before how careful/stingy the Torah is with its words. Very often the rabbi …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 28th, 2024

Dear Therapist: Is there a benefit to using therapy just for accountability? I pretty much know what I need to do but I push things off a bit and I find that it helps for me to have someone that I check in with weekly to keep me on my game. I have done therapy in the past for deeper issues but I feel like at this point it's more about taking action. I am considering resuming therapy but mostly just for the goal of being accountable to someone. Pu …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 28th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I enjoy your weekly responses and I think that it has provided me with a lot of insight into my own life. My question is: How would you define self-esteem? Is it the same thing as self-confidence? Is it something that someone can build on their own or must they be born and raised with? I understand that everyone might have a slightly different definition but I think I would appreciate hearing all of your perspectives on this. Than …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: We brought up our children simply and we tried to keep them pretty sheltered. Baruch Hashem many are married and have turned out well. One of our teenage boys has decided he was deprived and has now gone completely the opposite way where he says he needs everything he didn't have. Clothes, scooters, electronics, nothing bad per se, but definitely not how he was raised. We have been discussing with his rabbeim w …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 7-year-old daughter seems to have an unusual temper. I understand it's normal for a kid that age to have tantrums but this is something else. She seems to have actual rage. It is also kind of hard to predict what sets her off. Sometimes she goes to school without a fuss and sometimes she will insist she isn't going and it turns into a huge fight. The "switch" seems to turn off as quickly and unpredictably. What works with …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My husband and I have a wonderful marriage baruch Hashem. We share the same goals and are overall very much on the same page. One area where we keep having arguments is regarding finances. I am much more of a saver and a planner and he has an attitude of "we will figure it out." This is the kind of thing that keeps coming up again and again in our marriage and we just don't seem to have a path that works things out. …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have been struggling for many years with my davening. Many times, I feel that if I only put enough emotion and feeling into my davening, I can get the results that I want. The problem is that forcing myself backfires. It's hard to concentrate on the meaning of the words when trying to create feelings. In my case, I wind up worrying all day about my relationship with Hashem, if I am a good person, and if I am a proper&n …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I'm curious to hear what the panelists have to say about the following: What is the correct approach that a parent should take when a child expresses their embarrassment about their parents, their parents clothing, cars, house etc.... For example, my teenagers will say, "What you’re wearing is so outdated," "Our house is so messy," "Ma, you can't wear this," "Please pick me up from school in our nicer car …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist:  I have a middle-aged younger brother who lives a depressed, resentful, lonely, unemployed life. My mother, an almanna, has a heart of gold and would do anything to help him. Yet, he gets extremely angry at her when they speak on the phone, and expresses deep resentment to her, which is similar to how he connected with our father a"h. He thinks she favors me over him, among other gripes. On the rare occasion that he …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: Around a year ago my son was far along in a shidduch and at a late stage the girl said no. He was devastated at the time which we thought was normal. But it is now a while later and his dating has really suffered from it. He is constantly procrastinating when shidduchim are redt to him and he is an anxious mess when he dates. After every date he agonizes about his decision and, in my opinion, has said …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: It is becoming clear that we are going to need to have our son who is now in 3rd grade go back to 2nd grade after Succos. He is too far behind and we can't provide the support that is necessary to help him maintain grade level. I am not sure how to break this news to him and how to help him so that this will not scar him emotionally or socially. Please advise us how to do this in the most painless way possible. Thank you …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

November 25th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I am worried that my daughter who just went to seminary is spending way too much time at her newly married sister's home. I think she is missing out on the full experience and the chance to make new friends. I am more concerned that it isn't good for my shana rishona couple to have someone in the house all the time. Both my daughters say that I am over reacting and it's not a big deal. I would appreciate your opinion and …
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Author: Dr. Avraham (Allan) Friedman, Psy. D., LMSW

November 25th, 2024

Pain in a Vacuum – Parshat Toledot I admit I’ve never been pregnant. I don’t understand the discomfort of carrying a living moving person in my belly for nine months nor the joy of hosting a new life within. So when I read in this week’s parsha of Rivka’s pregnancy of twins and the difficulty she had with all the jockeying for position that went on inside,1 all I can do is try to understand her situation. But what is …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 14-year-old daughter is a kind soul. She is always nice to everyone and has many friends. She approached my husband and me recently and said she realizes that there is a friend of hers who is not a good influence on her and she doesn't think she should be spending time with her. I think her concerns are valid. She asked us for guidance about how to go about distancing herself from the relationship. Our daughter is not really th …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I am 27 years old and have been having a hard time choosing a job and career. I tried some jobs but found them boring because I really wasn't given anything to do.  I also can't tell if I just haven't found the right job for me or I just didn't really get good opportunities. How can I figure out what I would be most interested in and what I would be best at? What is best approach to this? Is there a test or evaluation that yo …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My brother has never really been that socially savvy. He has no official diagnosis as far as I know of but he has struggled in the past socially a bit. He recently got engaged and I am a bit nervous about how he will do in marriage. What would be the best way to prevent any issues and deal with them before they become a real problem? Is there any type of premarriage counseling or guidance that you recommend? Even a book that you t …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My 7th grade daughter is in sleepaway camp for the first time and is very homesick. Do you think it is better to try and talk to her by phone every day and send her packages etc.? Or is it better to just leave it and let her figure it out. Does calling her more than once a week actually make it worse or is this a good way to support her? What other recommendations would you have for dealing with homesickness? Thank you for yo …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: My son is scheduled to go to Eretz Yisroel to learn next year. He had a difficult high school experience but has grown tremendously over the last 2 years. The yeshiva in Eretz Yisroel is a great opportunity for him to keep growing. He is, however, extremely nervous about the whole security situation. As I write this, Haniyeh ym"s was just killed and things again look like they could escalate …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

September 6th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have some trouble making decisions. I am not really talking about big decisions like getting married or what yeshiva to send my kids to. I actually do ok with that. It is the smaller things like where to go for Shabbos and what suit to buy and things like that which take up way too much time in my life and occupy my thoughts too much. I just go back and forth and back and forth, and it can be almost comical. It can wind up being …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

July 11th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I recently realized that I am never happy with myself. I used to think that if I learned well, did a good shidduch, was top of my class, and was successful, then I would finally feel worthwhile. I was recently complaining to a friend and he pointed out to me that objectively things are really good right now and if I feel so bad all the time, I should probably get help.  It was a bit jarring to me honestly. I am starting …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

July 11th, 2024

Dear Therapist: Recently there have been few shocking tragedies in my area. Each one has been very sudden, unexpected, and jarring in its own way. This is on top of the overall tzaros that have been happening in Eretz Yisroel since Succos. I find that for the last few weeks I am constantly on edge. Of course, I have been taking hisorerus from rabbonim and I try to be mechazek myself as much as possible. I find that I …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

July 11th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have a friend at work that was acting strangely and my coworkers are saying he "snapped." I am not sure what this means. Someone said this means he has psychosis. What is the meaning of psychosis? Is this something that can happen suddenly to someone without warning? I myself have gone to therapy in the past for anxiety and baruch Hashem I am doing very well but I am worried about something like this happening to me. I …
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Author: Lili Bernstein (Goralnick), LCSW-R

July 3rd, 2024

“Can I Become Spontaneously Psychotic?” Lili Bernstein Goralnick, LCSWR-CCTP   It’s a question people are asking right now, and they are seeking concrete, concise and reassuring answers. Here is a guide for clinicians to help educate their clients, and for clients seeking information. We’re living in a quick-and-easy solutions society, so here’s the quick answer: it depends… on VERY specific and mostly co …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

June 26th, 2024

Dear Therapist: As we begin the season can you please share your general recommendations as to how parents should talk to their children about safety in the summer. Many parents (hopefully) know the basics, but I wonder if, based on your experiences, there are ways to discuss things that people don't know. Or maybe there are some things that people don't realize they should talk about with their kids.  I think this would be a public service …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

June 26th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I really appreciate your weekly column. What happens if a someone goes through trauma at home and doesn't take care of it—meaning, go for help.  If they're fine, could they stay fine? I am worried because many people say it comes back in later years. Thank you!   Response: The simple answer is yes; someone who experiences a “trauma” can be fine. However, this depends on a number of f …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

June 26th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have a silly fear of getting an aliyah. I have actually heard others that have it as well. This is even though I actually don't have an issue with doing other things in public. In the past I have managed to "white knuckle" it when I needed to but recently, I have found myself slipping out of shul during laining to try and avoid it. I do well otherwise and have no traumas or anything like that in my life. I am wond …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

June 26th, 2024

Dear Therapist: I have heard my friends discussing an idea developed by an author concerning "bad therapy." I presume that means there is bad therapy and good therapy. Would appreciate if the panel would state their opinions on the difference between helpful and unhelpful therapy. What is the best way for someone who is considering therapy to tell the difference?    Response: I haven’t read Abigail Shrier’s book, but I …
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Author: Yehuda Lieberman, LCSW, QCSW, DCSW

May 23rd, 2024

Dear Therapist: My daughter is in seminary this year and it's the first time she's dormed a full year with other girls. She mentioned to me that one of her roommates seems very socially anxious & has a hard time making friends & being sociable. My daughter tries to include her but she often withdraws because of her social anxiety. She suggested to this girl that she speak to someone about her struggles & she keeps responding that she …
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