I recently overheard some pre-school age girls having a conversation about the current media.
"My favorite princess is Cinderella."
"I like her too, but I hate Princess Jasmine because she shows her belly button and that's disgusting!"
The therapist in me felt like a lion unleashed, needing to intervene. "Really? Belly buttons are disgusting? I think belly buttons are soooo cute! I just think that they are too cute to be shown all the time."
The 5 year-old paused and thought. "Yeah, belly buttons are cute. But she really shouldn't be walking around showing it."
"That's right. Her belly button belongs to her and she should keep it private."
When teaching about modesty and boundaries, we must be extremely mindful not to give off the impression that our bodies are covered because it is something negative. The reason a person covers up is because his or her body is a most prized possession. Just like a person hides bank statements, or keeps jewelry in a box in a closet, so too, his or her body is something precious that warrants protecting.
One way to empower our children is to teach them proper boundaries. This can be started at a very young age. A parent can tickle an 18-month old, and then stop. Once the baby stops laughing, the parent should ask, "More?" And then, and this part is key, the parent should respect what the child answered. This is an early lesson that teaches, "I alone have control of what is done to my body."
As a child grows, the lessons grow as well.
At a child's annual check-up, it is important for either the parent or the doctor to tell the child that the only reason the doctor is allowed to see the child's private areas is because the doctor needs to make sure that the child is healthy and growing. And the doctor is allowed to check only when the child's parent is in the room.
As kids start telling secrets to each other, parents should tell the children, "You are allowed to keep a secret as long as it is tzniusdik and not dangerous."
When a parent is assisting a 6 year-old in the bathroom, it is good to remind the child that the only reason that the parent is there is because he or she needs help. And then reiterate how the child's body belongs to the child, and that it is so nice and special.
As a child grows to elementary age, the lessons given become very uncomfortable for many parents to impart. It is quite distressing being aware of the dangers that are out there for our children. But more than distressing, it is harmful to not empower our children with the tools to protect themselves.
Predators don't want to get caught, so they are less likely to abuse a child who has strong boundaries. Most of the time, the predator is someone whom the child knows. And something that is unpleasant to realize is that often, even though the child is uncomfortable and victimized, the child receives some enjoyment. Either the child likes the attention, or the child may even have physical pleasure from the abuse. So there are strong feelings of guilt from the victim's perspective. And if the perpetrator is really good at what he or she does, the perpetrator will trick the child into thinking that the child started it or asked for it. Therefore, while it is nauseating to even think about, parents must mold their children into strong kids who are not easy victims.
A child should be able to answer the following questions:
"Is anybody allowed to touch your private parts?"
"Is anybody allowed to show you theirs?"
"What should you do if that happens?"
"Would it be your fault?"
"What if it feels nice? Is it ok?"
"Whom should you tell? Is it Lashon Hara to tell?"
"What if the person tells you that you will get in trouble if you tell? Is that true?"
"What if the person tells you that no one will believe you? Is that true?"
If, G-d forbid, your child does come to you with information, the best thing is to react in a way that shows that you trust your child, believe your child, do not fault or blame your child, will not punish your child and want to protect your child. Once you have shown these feelings to your child, you can proceed to find out more information. Therapy for the whole family is often necessary after an incident.
A child whose parents give over the proper messages is a child who is proud of his or her body knows that it is a gift to him or herself. That is a child whose strength will spill over into other areas of life. And a confident, proud child is more likely to engage in healthy relationships in the future.
Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. She lectures in the New York City area on dating, relationships and marriage. She is also a volunteer presenter for The SHALOM Workshop (http://www.shalomtaskforce.org/workshops/), a marriage enrichment program serving engaged and newly married couples. Aviva Rizel can be reached at 347-292-8482 or [email protected].Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
What do you think about when the new school year begins? Many parents hope that their children's school year will be better than last year. Some parents wonder how to make that happen. This article will give you some specific ideas.
There are three situations which I will address in this article: homework, studying, and conversations with your child's teacher.
The first thing you need to know about homework is whether or not your child has any. Rather than asking him, "do you have any homework today," ask him, "what homework do you have today?" If he says he doesn't have any homework and your impression is that the teacher gives homework regularly, tell him that you're surprised that he wasn't given any homework, and that you intend to call the teacher to find out what happened. Be careful not to turn this into a discussion of whether or not you think he is lying to you.
If you say to your child:
I'm going to call your teacher to find out if you really don't have any homework .
He will hear it as: you think I'm lying and you're going to try to catch me.
And you're about to say to me:
But Rabbi Ackerman, shouldn't I catch him so he'll learn not to lie?
I'm going to venture a guess that in school years past he has lied to you about homework and you have caught him. How has catching him in the past been helpful if he is still lying to you about homework again this year?
So I should just let him get away with it?
No, I'd rather you help him with whatever is getting in his way about his homework so he won't have anything to get away with.
What is getting in your child's way about his homework? The answer has very little to do with the age, grade, subject, or type of school your child attends. It has a lot to do with your child's "Homework Place."
Before the school year begins, I would like you to sit down with each of your children for 10 minutes and complete the following assignment together.
My Homework Place
Describe your homework place by answering the following questions:
1. When I do my homework, where do I sit? How comfortable is it? If it's not that comfortable, what would make it more comfortable?
2. Where do I put my textbook, my notebook, my paper? If it's too cramped, where I could spread it out better?
3. What sounds do I hear while I'm doing my homework (siblings, parents, music, sounds from outdoors, what else)? If the sounds are distracting to me, what can I do?
4. What do I see while I'm doing my homework? Who comes into my field of vision? How can I avoid being interrupted?
5. What do I smell while I'm doing homework?
6. What skills can I use to overcome the distractions when I can't prevent them or escape them?
7. How long do I work until my break? What do I do during my break? How long is my break?
8. To whom do I turn when I need help?
Inviting your child to think about the answers to these questions helps her plan to succeed at doing her homework by identifying the things that have made it hard for her in the past. By helping her to identify or create a better environment in which to do her homework you make it likely that she'll find it more pleasant to work on her homework. Will she have fun with her homework? That will depend on the educator, the materials, and your ability to make something that could be rather dry, entertaining. I would suggest that you try for it occasionally and not expect it every night. You and your child will both enjoy the profit of your efforts.
Which brings us to topic number two, study. What brings us to the topic number two? Entertainment! The science of associative memory has taught us that studying is most effective when it is entertaining.
Picture in your mind: Noah Ark being deluged by the contents of gigantic 99 cent can of Arizona ice tea. Really, take a second and picture it in your mind. Now, tell me, what state comes alphabetically after Arizona? ARKansas. Trust me, you'll never forget it. It's entertaining, it's weird, it's memorable!
That's the point. It's a powerful tool for memorization, which is fine when study requires memorization and nothing else.
What do you do when study requires comprehension? You sit down with your child and ask him if he seems to understand things better when he hears them, reads them, or explores them in some manner with his hands or his eyes. Some children understand and remember better when they speak the material into a voice recorder; some benefit from hearing themselves or you over and over again. Some children study by writing, sketching, or flow charting the concepts on a blank pad. Your role is to make sure they know what different strategies might help them study more effectively and to make the materials available to them.
And topic 3, what will make your conversations with your child's teacher more effective?
First, when you see the teacher's name on the Caller ID, be optimistic. I hope your child's teacher's first phone call will be to tell you something good about how your child is doing. If the teacher expresses concerns about your child's performance, whether academic, social, or behavioral, ask the teacher what your child could do that would be an improvement. Once you have a clear understanding of the teacher's expectation, decide when to tell your child that the teacher called, and what expectation was expressed. Make sure you are calm, and have a few minutes to hear your child's "side of the story." Then, help your child figure out how to meet the teacher's expectation, even though he doesn't see the situation the same way the teacher does.
Dina, your teacher called and said you missed a minute of recess because you were talking. The teacher would like you to sit quietly during class, and so would I. What happened?
Mom, you don't understand. It's so unfair! Two other kids were talking before me, and I was just saying something about what they had said, and I was the only one who lost a minute of recess. It's not fair.
I'm sure it's really frustrating for you, Dina, when other girls get away with something and you don't. What can you do differently to make sure that you don't lose any recess time?
But it isn't fair; they should've lost a minute also.
I don't really understand how they're being punished along with you would make your missing some of your recess okay with you.
It's not okay with me!
All right, so what you can you differently to make sure you don't lose some of your recess time the next time other girls are talking?
Dina may not know what to do, and I don't want you to tell her. Let her feel bad for awhile and think about it. She'll figure it out, and she'll do better, sometimes. If you don't hear from her teacher for two weeks, call the teacher to confirm that Dina is doing better, and make sure you tell her about that phone call, too!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Chaim and Shaindy had a very specific request. They wanted to know how to increase their son's attention span.
They were quite perplexed. They told me that their four-year-old son Mendy has never watched television or played an electronic game. They assumed that since their child had never been exposed to those fast paced, highly stimulating activities, he would be able to stay focused when his mother read to him. They couldn't understand why his mind would wander after his mother had read only four paragraphs of a story he seemed, at first, to enjoy. Mendy would begin to look around the room, and when his mother told him to pay attention, he said he'd rather play, and he ran off to his toys.
What happened then, Shaindy, when Mendy went into the living room to play? What did you say to him?
Nothing. But the next time he asked me to read to him, I told him I would if he would sit still and pay attention. I explained to him that the story is not very long, and I think he is old enough to sit and listen to it, and he said that he would.
Shaindy took only a brief breath; her mouth began to open with the next words she wanted to say, but before the words came out, Chaim interjected:
He always says he'll do what you want him to do, and then when he doesn't do it you don't do anything about it.
What would you like me to do about it?
Tell him if he doesn't sit still until the end of the story he won't get nosh at the Shabbos Oneg.
The last time I told him that, he said, "I don't care!" And when I…
"When you what"? Chaim interrupted. "You just give up and walk away, just like you said, he went to play with his toys in the middle of the story and you didn't say anything about it. How do you expect… "
How do I expect? What do YOU expect? Why don't you try reading to him some time and see how well you do!
I decided it was time to see how well I could do at helping them. I began by changing the tempo and tenor of the conversation. Both of them were speaking rapidly, and when they didn't interrupt each other, they responded with no pause to reflect on what the other person had said. I spoke slowly.
You told me that Mendy has never been exposed to fast paced, highly stimulating activities like TV and video games. I wonder what it's like for him to observe your fast paced conversations, like the one I just saw you having.
Shaindy and I are very careful not to argue in front of him.
I'm sure you don't argue in front of him, and that's very important. But what about your general style of conversation with Shaindy? How does it show Mendy what it looks like to patiently pay close attention and think about what you're hearing? In parshas Ki Savo (27:9) there is a unique expression: "Haaskais" Haaskais is translated as "pay attention." The gemara in Brachos (63b) says Haaskais is a compound word. Haas means to be silent. Kasais means to break into pieces. The Torah Temimah explains that in order to understand something, or someone, you first need to learn "b'menucha u'margoah," in a calm and tranquil state of mind. Only then can you deeply and truly understand; be able see the pieces that make up the whole.
So you really think that Mendy's short attention span is our fault? You believe that because Chaim and I don't always listen to each other carefully and patiently, Mendy has learned to be impatient?
Shaindy, I am not trying to assign fault or to blame you or Chaim for anything. I have no way of knowing how Mendy's attention span got to be the way it is. You asked me to help you increase his attention span, and one way to do that is for you two to consciously show him what it looks like and sounds like to pay attention.
Then I gave the two of them some very specific homework to do.
The next time either of you sits down to read a story to Mendy, I want you to read two paragraphs and then say, "Wow, great listening, Mendy! Let's stop here and G-d willing, later on we'll read some more." What do you imagine is going to happen when you do that Shaindy?
I imagine that Mendy will ask me to read more. What should I do then?
Then, I would like you, Shaindy, to look him in the eye and say, "you can pay attention even longer, Mendy!? Okay, let's read some more." Read another two paragraphs, tell him you want to stop there, and see what happens.
A week later, they told me what happened. Shaindy did exactly what I suggested that she do. After every two paragraphs, Shaindy said they would stop there, Mendy asked her to continue, she told him how wonderfully he was doing at paying attention, and then she read two more paragraphs. This continued until the end of the entire, eight paragraph long, story. Later that evening, when Chaim came home, Shaindy told him, in Mendy's presence, how well Mendy had done at paying attention. It was nice of her to share the nachas and remind Mendy of his success.
I enjoyed the nachas, too. Because when Shaindy and Chaim told me this story, they spoke slowly and took turns, pausing to be sure the other one had completed his or her thought. They had really paid attention, and it made a difference for me, for them, and for their child.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
You don't want your child to be selfish. You want him to be concerned about other people. You want him to share his toys and take turns during games. You want him to help others when asked and sometimes offer his time and energy on behalf of others on his own, unsolicited. You teach him the importance of cooperation and how wonderful it is to go beyond cooperation to selflessness, to "be m'vatair," let someone else have it, let someone else win.
How wonderful is it to go beyond cooperation? How often is it appropriate for your child to let someone else win, when for your child it means he has to lose? When cooperation leads to compromise everyone accepts a new version of victory; everyone wins and no one loses. Neither party gets what they originally wanted. Both parties choose to accept something for each of them rather selfishly insisting on all for one and nothing for the other. But neither of them chooses to be selfless.
Is it really cooperation when one person gives in to the other? Yes or no? Or do we use the word cooperation when we really mean compliance or submission? Yes or no? These are yes or no questions that prevent us from finding the most accurate answer. Here's a better version of the question:
When is compliance or submission a form of cooperation? Answer: when someone chooses to be selfless.
As a parent, you teach your child about cooperation, compliance, selfishness, and selflessness. I deliberately included selfishness in that list in order to show you the contrast with selflessness. If it is sometimes appropriate for your child to be selfless, when is it appropriate for her to be selfish? If it is never appropriate for your child to be selfish, what is the alternative to selflessness?
To answer those questions, I would like to offer a bilingual play on the word "selfish." I offer you the concept of a Self Ish, a person who is conscious of three concerns: his responsibilities to himself, to Hashem, and to others. The Tiferes Yisrael (Avos 1:2) describes these three as the tachlis briyas ha'adam, the purpose for which we were created.
A Self Ish is never selfish out of malice or neglect. He sometimes chooses himself over someone else when compromise is unreachable. When he acts selflessly, it is not because he has lost his sense of self. He sometimes accepts the desires and demands of others, even at his own expense, because he has chosen to, not because he thinks he has no choice.
Think about the alternative. When you teach your child that she has no choice, and she believes you, she will submit and comply. If she's content with doing what she's told to do, she'll be fine as long as the people who are telling her what to do are acting in her best interest. What happens when she's told to do something that is not in her best interest? How will she even know what's not in her best interest if she's never been introduced to the idea that her best interest, her self, matters?
And when she complies because she been taught that she has to, and she's not content, how will she express her resentment, at whom, and for how long?
Here's how Mordechai expressed his.
Every time it gets close to Yom Tov, our kids ask us if we can just stay home because I'm always so grumpy when we go to my in-laws.
It sounds like a reasonable question, Mordechai. What's the answer?
I tell them that their mother will be very disappointed if we don't go to her parents, and that her parents expect us to come, so I don't have any choice in the matter. I don't like it, but we go anyway.
So you're not happy about going there. And once you get there you're grumpy; for how long?
Well, the kids describe it as grumpy. It's really that I don't want to be there so I guess I'm unhappy about it until we finally get to leave. How long? From erev Yom Kippur until after Simchas Torah. Long enough, don't you think?
What does your wife think, Mordechai? What does she think of perhaps spending only part of the time with your in-laws and part of the time somewhere else?
I've never asked her that. I don't think she wants to divide the time.
Are you sure that she wouldn't be willing to divide the time so you would be more comfortable with the situation? From what you're describing to me, your children might be happier with the situation too if you were less uncomfortable. They already told you that they'd rather stay home the whole time!
Mordechai is resentful and miserable, and everyone else's Yom Tov suffers along with him. All of this is the result of Mordechai's selflessness. He is giving to others despite himself, not from himself. He didn't give selflessly. He rendered himself selfless by discounting his own preferences and then blamed others for it. The resentment followed.
Mordechai can become a Self Ish. He can come to understand the difference between deciding to give even when it hurts versus letting people take because he's afraid to disappoint them. He can learn to choose when to be selfless, to give in to others at his own expense. Over time, I truly believe he will cultivate a far more comfortable relationship with himself, his wife, his children, and his in-laws.
How comfortable are you with teaching your child to be a Self Ish, to weigh her wants and feelings when measuring her response to requests from others? Do you think what I told Mordechai only applies to adults?
When I said it to him, he told me he understands and agrees with what I suggested. He added that it is very hard for him to imagine doing it. Because he learned as a child that you give others what they want. Now he feels guilty at the very idea of asserting himself if it means someone else won't be happy, or even less happy than they are when he says yes to everything they want.
That didn't surprise me. Hillel taught us that we need to think about ourselves as well as thinking about others, and then he said, "If not now, when?" The Rambam explains that if you don't acquire these traits when you are young, it will be very difficult to change and adopt them when you are older. He finds an allusion to this in the words of Mishlei, chanoch l'naar al pi darko, implying that the derech, the traits, for better or worse, that you instill in your child will stay with him and be difficult for him to change. Mordechai is finding it difficult. And he is changing.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
While most frum people recognize the negative aspects of having a television in the home, many frum people are sadly unaware of the full extent that they are putting their families at risk by having the Internet in their homes. Although various gedolim have issued severe warnings and prohibitions about the Internet, many frum people still have Internet connections at home and often access the Internet at work and throughout the day and night on their smartphones, iPads, or other technological devices. Many rationalize this because there is so much valuable information available on the Internet and the ease and convenience that having Internet access affords. Whatâs worse, many parents have no idea what their kids are up to online. And sadly, many frum women are shocked to discover what their husbands are doing online.
The Internet poses real dangers for children and for adults. One of the threats facing children on the Internet is exposure to pornography (inappropriate pictures, videos, and subject matter). The number of children who have been exposed to this subject matter is shocking, and frum children are not immune to this reality. This includes children who have sought the images out as well as those who have come upon them accidentally. A study showed that 79% of children viewing this subject matter did so at home. Most parents have no idea what their children could be looking at, and many parents believe that their own children would never do such a thing.
Another grave threat is sexual predators and other inappropriate contact with dangerous and malicious characters. These individuals will seek out vulnerable children to exploit and will gradually befriend them and earn their confidence and trust. A family I work with in my private practice was shocked when the parents discovered that their 16 year old son had been befriended online by a number of registered sex offenders. They were horrified to discover their son had actually met up with one of these men.
Social networks like Facebook and others have become part of daily life for millions of Americans, but they pose special risks for children. Children may unwittingly post sensitive personal information and photos of themselves and may come into contact with other people who are looking to influence them or exploit them. A client of mine discovered that his teenage daughter had recently become involved with a young man she met through an online game.
Online video networks let users submit their own content and post in online for others to see. Even mainstream networks like YouTube feature sexually inappropriate subject matter and imagery.
The risks of the internet are not limited to children, however. Adults are also at risk from a menace in their own homes. Many married men find themselves getting heavily involved with inapproprate subject matter and imagery and some even develop addictions, wanting desperately to quit but unable to stop despite damage to relationships with their wives, children, and in their careers. For some the Internet becomes the gateway to infidelity or other risky, harmful behaviors. In my private practice I come across many women who were completely unaware of the scope of their husbandsâ Internet use.
So what can you do to keep the Internet from having a harmful effect on your family? Fortunately, there are a number of strategies to keep your family protected. Here are some useful tips to keep your family safe:
· Parents need to learn more about what potential risks there are for their families on the Internet. Parents are rarely up to date on the latest trends in social networking, online gaming, and interactive technology. If parents do not know enough specific information about what risks are out there, they will not be able to protect their families. Make a list of all the Internet-capable devices your family has access to, including computers, phones, iPads, etc, both inside and outside the home.
· Parents need to talk to their children about the risks of the Internet, whether in the home or outside. This includes viewing inappropriate subject matter and imagery, communicating with strangers online, posting private information, and other possible areas of concern. It is not enough for parents to assume that their children are too innocent or too frum to engage in these behaviors. Just as a parent needs to tell their kids not to play with matches or run into traffic, a parent cannot avoid this topic with their kids in the misguided belief that this risk does not affect them or their children.
· If you have Internet in your home, keep your computer in a public area of your home, like the living room. Children should not have their own laptops or access to computers in their rooms.
· All computers should have an Internet filtering program put on the computer by a parent. One such program is Norton Online Family (available for free at onlinefamily.norton.com) which allows parents to set up and monitor what kind of websites are visited, social networking, instant messaging, and even posting personal information online. It also lets parents set a time of day after which children cannot log on to the Internet. If children are given cellphones, they should be phones that do not use apps and are not Internet-capable.
· Parents need to tell their children that they will be monitoring their childrenâs online activities. Parents should explain that this is being done because they care about their childrenâs welfare, not to be nosy or intrusive.
· Couples need to talk to each other openly about some of the risks inherent in Internet use. Couples should discuss using the same safety measures above, including filters, monitoring, as well as regular review of online activity.
If you want to keep your family safe and protected, remember that the Internet is simply one piece in a bigger picture. Encouraging open communication with your children -- and with your spouse -- as well as being involved in the daily details of their lives is the best way to insure a happy, healthy, and rewarding relationship for many years to come.
Brad Salzman, LCSW, MSSW, is a New York State licensed psychotherapist in private practice in Midtown Manhattan and Monsey, specializing in relationships and Internet addiction. He is a graduate of Yale and Columbia Universities and spent four years learning in Israeli yeshivos. His website is www.frumtherapy.com, and he can be reached for a free consultation at (917) 512-3490.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
We know that Hashem cares about us and listens to us. Hashem knows what each of us needs, and has the ability to give us everything we want. As we approach the Yomim Noraim, we remind ourselves that Hashem takes note of everything we say and do and even what we think. We express this in the words of the dovening, yâmalei mishalos libeinu, âmay You fulfill the requests that are in our hearts,â and the words of the prophet, terem yikra-u vaâ ani eshma, âbefore you call out, I hear you.â Hashem hears (so to speak) our desires before we put them into words.
It would seem unnecessary to express our praise, thanks, or requests in the form of spoken prayers since Hashem already knows the praises, appreciation, and desires of our hearts. Yet Chazal teach us that Hashem desires our prayers. While we cannot understand that in a literal sense, we can attempt to understand what it means to us, what message it conveys.
There are messages in every tefila we say, in every word of praise, thanks, and request that we utter. Hashem already knows the message before we enunciate it. But the act of speaking the prayer sends a message to us. It speaks to us and changes how we speak to Hashem. It adds a second dimension to the concept of âheartfelt prayer.â
What praises do we feel in our hearts? What is the depth of appreciation for what Hashem has provided to us? Do we really know what our heart desires? In the peak moments of our lives, under the chuppa, at the birth of a child, at a bris or a daughterâs kiddush, our hearts are full and our prayers heartfelt. We are moved to express praise for Hashemâs awesome acts of kindness, and appreciation for the brachos we have received. We are taught that at such times of Hashemâs beneficence, it is appropriate to express our wants and needs. In these peak moments, we feel and know what our heart desires and our tefilos of praise, thanksgiving, and request are heartfelt, they come from the heart. Thatâs one dimension of the term heartfelt, and it describes our prayer in the peak moments of our lives.
Most of us spend most of our lives on plateaus. Peak moments are wonderful, inspiring, and rare. But the wonder is fleeting, the inspiration short-lived. Even when the rare event takes us to a new level of spirituality that we are able to sustain, that new level becomes the norm, it becomes ordinary. We plateau, and await a new peak experience to help us grow again.
Until we learn how to be inspired by the ordinary, to grow in awe and appreciation for what has become the norm. This is the second dimension of heartfelt prayer. To express praise and speak words of thanks every day for nothing special. Except that itâs all special, and every time we say it, we speak not only to Hashem, but to our hearts. We teach our hearts to feel. We train our hearts to be sensitive to the gifts and wonders of what we call ordinary only because we forget how extraordinary Hashemâs gift of every day, every person, every child, every one of us, truly is. This is the second dimension of heartfelt prayer; prayer that teaches our hearts to feel.
Chazal tell us that our hearts can be molded by our actions. For example, the miserly heart can become generous by repeated acts of giving. The key word here is ârepeated.â The Rambam and others make the point that to give a large sum of charity all at once does not have the same effect on the nature of the donor as giving small amounts repeatedly. (Rambam on Mishna Avos 3:18 hacohl lâfi rov hamaaseh; Orchos Tzadikim shaar ha-nâdivus quoted in Shulchan Aruch haMidos page 51) To perform a peak act of tzedaka is wonderful and may even be inspirational to those who witness it. It may stir them to similar acts of magnanimity. But to stir the soul of the donor, to change him from a person who sometimes gives charity into a charitable person, takes repetition.
The theme of selichos and the Yomim Noraim is teshuva, to affirm our awareness and acceptance of Hashem as our King and to return to our proper role in His service. The tefilos of selichos and the Yomim Noraim are stirring, awakening our hearts to truly feel the desire to do teshuva, to restore, and strengthen our commitment to Hashem. For many of us, the Yomim Noraim dovening is a peak experience that awakens our hearts. One of the mechanisms of that dovening is repetition. How many times do we say the Yud Gimel Middos? How many times do we repeat our praises, our thanks, and humbly ask for life and health, prosperity and peace? We know that Hashem heard us the first time. Hashem heard us before we spoke.
Yet Chazal teach us that Hashem, kaâviyachol, desires our prayers. Perhaps Hashem desires our prayers for what they tell us, how they affect us. Perhaps Hashem wants us to notice how much He cares, to feel in our hearts the extraordinary love that Hashem gives us between the peak moments as much as during them. Peak moments, dramatic events, impress us. Repetition changes us.
Some of us began to say selichos at the beginning of Elul. All of us began to sound the shofar. The season of teshuva continues at least until through Hoshana Rabba, more than a month and a half. How many times do we have to say these tefilos of teshuva? Why canât we just have a major day of teshuva, a peak teshuva experience? Why some much repetition?
Because teshuva is not something to do once a year. Itâs what we want to become all year long. The Hebrew term says it well. Chozair bâteshuva. Not chozaar bâteshuva, one who has done teshuva. Rather, Chozair bâtehuva, to be someone who does teshuva, who continually feels in his heart the desire to be closer and closer to Hashem. A heartfelt desire born of repeated expressions of praise, thanks, and requests that acknowledge that everything comes from Hashem.
The repetition changes us, and we grow during the ordinary times between the peak moments because we come to feel in our hearts how extraordinary every moment is. Repetition trains our hearts to feel Hashemâs love and want to be closer, every day. How many times? As many times as it takes to acknowledge all that Hashem gives. More than we can do in a lifetime.
May our tefilos for ourselves, our children, and klal Yisrael be accepted by Hashem, and may we always be Hashemâs nachas.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
When is a nachas note like a sledge hammer? When you bludgeon someone with it.
You thought nachas notes are innocuous? Theyâre actually quite powerful, and like most powerful things, they can be harmful when used improperly.
My weekly column is entitled Nachas Notes. I named the column after the Nachas Notebook⢠which I created many years ago. It has proven to be a powerful tool in building more effective parents and more successful children.
The Nachas Notebook⢠makes parents more effective at building their childâs motivation to succeed at meeting expectations. It does not require preparing charts, offering rewards or incentives, or threatening any types of punishment. Parents who use the Nachas Notebook⢠properly, consistently tell me that they are amazed at the difference it makes in their homes.
Here are some comments Iâve received about the Nachas Notebook:â¢
I have seen an amazing change in my relationship with my son.
I have gotten into the habit of accentuating the positive and it makes the negatives less stressful.
I am getting much less resistance from my daughter since I have been doing a Nachas Notebook⢠for her.
In the two weeks that Iâve been writing a Nachas Notebook⢠there has been much less contrariness. I feel like Iâm climbing up and out of the negativity soup.
If the Nachas Notebook⢠has nothing to do with prizes or punishments, how does it work? It works on the adage ânothing succeeds like success,â or as noted educators Jim Fay and David Funk expressed it, âthe primary element that pushes us on to further achievement is a feeling of success.â (Teaching With Love & Logic, page 208) When you notice and knowledge your childâs success, you motivate him to succeed again and to achieve even more.
Many parents have told me how well this works. Thatâs called anecdotal evidence. Parents have described their experiences with the Nachas Notebook⢠and believe in its efficacy even though they havenât conducted a formal study to demonstrate it.
Behavioral Economics professor Dan Ariely didnât conduct a formal study of the Nachas Notebook⢠either. He did study the power of acknowledgment. He measured the efficacy of far more subtle acknowledgement than the Nachas Notebook⢠teaches you to express.
He told the members of 3 groups of graduate students that they would be paid a token sum for finding instances where the letter S was followed by another letter S on a sheet of paper full of sequences of letters. They had to find all 10 pairs of Sâs on a sheet to be paid for that sheet, and could do as many sheets as they wanted to. They were told to hand in each completed sheet before beginning another one. Each groupâs instructions were the same, except that only the 1st group was told to write their name on each sheet. The participants didnât know that 3 different conditions were being tested, tested by what happened when they handed in the sheets.
The first group was called the âacknowledged conditionâ because when they handed each of their completed sheets to the experimenter, she looked at it carefully, nodded her approval, and placed it upside down on a pile of completed sheets. When a member of the second group, the âignored condition,â handed in a sheet, the experimenter placed it on the pile without looking at it. When each participant in the third group handed in a completed sheet of paper, the experimenter, without looking at it, immediately fed it into a shredder. That was called the âshredded condition.â And it shredded the motivation of the members of that group. Members of the shredded condition group completed on average 6.34 sheets, compared with 9.03 sheets for members of the âacknowledged group.â That was what you would expect. Noticing someoneâs accomplishment motivates them to accomplish more. What I didnât expect was the outcome for the âignored condition.â The members of that group averaged 6.77 sheets, almost the same as the members of âshredded conditionâ group. (The Upside of Irrationality, pages 74-76)
Think about what that means. It means that ignoring your childâs accomplishment is tantamount to taking her accomplishment and shredding it, telling her that what she did is of no value at all.
Saying nothing to your child when he does somewhat well is often interpreted by him to mean that he didnât do anything worthy of comment. He may be reading you correctly. You may have thought that if you withhold comment your child will be motivated to do even better. Actually, you have reduced his motivation almost as severely as if you had told him that his partial success was worthless. Ignoring an accomplishment is tantamount to disparaging one. Even when you think your child should feel a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment without your acknowledgement of what he has done, he may not.
Your child may not see the value intrinsic to an expectation you want him to meet. It may be as meaningless to him as the task Dr. Ariel assigned to his three groups. Every time you tell your child that someday he will realize why youâre asking him to do what youâre asking him to do, you can be sure that he doesnât realize it right now. Every time you say, âthis is for your own good,â they donât see whatâs good about it. If they did, you wouldnât be saying it. Most children do develop intrinsic motivation to varying degrees at various points in their lives. So do most adults. We all benefit from extrinsic motivation most of the time. The Nachas Notebook⢠teaches parents how to do provide it and makes it a habit. Extrinsic motivation works best when provided frequently and over long periods of time.
To recap, the Nachas Notebook⢠is based on motivational research, and supported by the anecdotal reports of many parents who have found it to be a powerful tool in helping them and their children to succeed.
A simple nod resulted in increased motivation compared with no acknowledgement at all. Your Nachas Notebook⢠entries record more effective expressions of acknowledgement. How do you formulate a nachas note to be more effective? When do you share Nachas Notebook⢠entries with your child?
And how can a nachas note be like a sledge hammer with which you bludgeon someone? How can that happen?
G-d willing, weâll explain how next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
The Nachas Notebook⢠which I created many years ago has proven to be a powerful tool in building more effective parents and more successful children.
The Nachas Notebook⢠is based on the principle of hakoras hatov, noticing and acknowledging when your child does something well. There are at least three benefits to building your habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.â¢
These are some of the benefits that parents have told me they have seen from their work with the Nachas Notebook.⢠Theyâve told me that it requires serious effort until it becomes a habit. And theyâve told me that it is well worth it.
I explained all this to Lana and Lipa Lefkowitz.* They both looked skeptical. He looked at his wife and asked her if she was willing to try it. She said she was if he would do it also. With a modicum of enthusiasm, he acquiesced.
Okay, weâll try it. What are we supposed to do, how do we do it?
You begin by each of you buying a notebook and writing on the cover âChanaâs Nachas Notebook.â Over the course of the next week I want each of you to write at least four nachas notes in your notebook. Each nachas note has two components. The first component of each note is what Chana did that you considered a success. The second component is what you said to her to acknowledge her success. You write down what you saw her do and what you said to her when you saw her do it. Letâs practice right now. Give me an example of something that Chana did over the past few days that you considered a success and tell me what you said to her.
Okay, Lipa, go ahead, tell him something that you praised Chana about recently.
You tell him something, Lana. You spend a lot more time with her than I do.
Youâre right, I spend a lot more time telling her to stop doing things she knows she shouldnât be doing, and trying to get her to do the things sheâs supposed to do. I donât have much energy left to praise her about anything.
What do you think about that, Lana? What you think about having no energy left to say something positive to your daughter?
Itâs terrible, I know it is, and it has to stop.
Lana, I would rather you think about it as something else you wish to start. A very good start would be to work at doing a Nachas Notebook⢠for Chana.
I understand how it could be helpful. I just canât think of anything particularly successful that Chana does that I could write a nachas note about.
Letâs start the other way, Lana. Tell me some examples of things that Chana does that are unsuccessful, that you do comment on.
Where do I begin? If I ask her to clean up her room, sheâll put her clothing away but there are still books and papers all over her desk. If I ask her to set the table, she will forget the glasses, or the dessert forks, or something. Iâve tried not commenting on it to see if sheâll figure it out on her own and get the job done, but she never does.
Lana, what does Chanaâs face look like when you comment on her failing to complete the jobs you just described?
She looks unhappy.
I suspect that when youâre telling her that she didnât complete one of those jobs your face also looks unhappy.
Yes I suppose it does.
Youâre both unhappy. When you develop the habit of hakoras hatov by using the Nachas Notebook.⢠you will both be unhappy less often. Here is how you would formulate nachas notes in each of the two situations you described. When she has cleaned her room to the extent of putting her clothing away, you would tell Chana that she did a great job of hanging up her skirts and folding her sweaters and putting them in the drawers. Then you would ask her to put away the books and papers from her desk as soon as she gets the chance to. When you notice that the table is set without glasses, you would comment on how carefully she placed the flatware next to the plates and how neatly she folded the napkins. And then you would ask her to put out the glasses. I think you and Chana will not look unhappy when you express yourself this way. What do you think?
I think I would feel and sound better about the situation, and I guess she would too. But what would I write in the Nachas Notebook?â¢
You would write, âChana set the table very neatly. I said to her, âyou set the table really carefully, Chana. Please put the glasses on the table, too.ââ
If you want to add âIâm proud of you,â thatâs fine as long as it is secondary. The primary message is that Chana has done something well.
And never turn her Nachas Notebook.⢠against her.
How could that happen?
It could happen if the following week she didnât set the table as carefully. If you were to say to her âlast week you set the table neatly, why didnât you this time?â you would be using her nachas note against her.
But she did set it carefully last week so obviously she could have the next time, also. Why shouldnât I point that out to her?
Because you risk teaching her to be afraid to do her best. Hereâs what I mean. I want you to teach her that good performance is worthy of acknowledgement and excellent performance is even better. If you wield her Nachas Notebook⢠the way you described you may teach her that her that any excellent performance will become the minimum you expect from her and any less is a failure. That may teach her to fear success.
You thought nachas notes are innocuous? Theyâre actually quite powerful, and like most powerful things, they can be harmful when used improperly. Use them well, and you will learn how to notice nachas thatâs already there, and motivate your child to achieve even more.
*Not their real names.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
