Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I was mistaken.
I've said something to many parents and I recently found out that it's not correct.
I've been telling parents that the only person who can't slow things down and think before reacting is a paramedic. The other day, at the breakfast table between dovening and my Sunday morning learning seder, I mentioned this idea. A paramedic seated nearby was nice enough to set me straight. He explained to me that when he arrives at the scene of an emergency he doesn't rush headlong into the situation. It was interesting; he also didn't say that he slows down. What he said was, when he arrives on the scene, the first thing he does is… he stops. He stops long enough to assess whether or not it is safe to proceed, safe for him and safe for the people he is there to help. In other words, he takes the time to figure out what might make the situation worse before he attempts to make it better. His training has taught him that the idea "anything I do has got to be better than doing nothing" is not only fallacious, it's dangerous.
There's a term that describes men and women who rush to the scene of an emergency. They're called "first responders." Which brings me to something else I've said to many parents, something I'm pretty sure I've got right. I often tell parents that there is a difference between reacting and responding. There's a difference internally and there's a difference in what you say out loud to your child.
Here's what a reaction sounds like internally:
Why can't I get this child to behave? I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are. I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior. I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
And here's what this reaction sounds like externally:
Why can't you ever just do what I tell you? Do you have any idea what it's like for me when you can't ever comply with a simple request? I come home straight from shul just for this? I might as well stay there.
Now let's look at the same situation and see what the internal response sounds like in direct contrast to the internal reaction we just described.
Reaction: Why can't I get this child to behave?
Response: He didn't do what I asked him to do. I wonder what happened? Maybe I can help him do better next time.
Reaction: I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are.
Response: Other parents seem to have some strategies for helping their children that I haven't learned yet. I'm going to look into that.
Reaction: I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior.
Response: Maybe I should start by asking my wife. She might have some ideas that would be helpful for him and for me.
Reaction: I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
Response: I really want to learn how to accomplish more with my kids.
And here's what this response sounds like externally:
What happened, Shloime? How could I help you?
There's also a difference in the outcome you're likely to arrive at. Reactions tend to result in confrontations and verbal altercations. When you react, your children tend to become defensive and react back to you. The ensuing argument might dissipate a lot of heat but rarely sheds any light. Responses more often lead to enlightening conversations.
Rabbi Ackerman, I want to assure you that when I say, "What happened, Shloime? How could I help you," he's going to say, "I don't know." It's not going to be much of a conversation.
Yet.
What do you mean, "yet?"
I mean you've invited him to have a conversation rather than precluding one by starting an argument. I would like you to believe him when he says that he doesn't know how you can help him, and to tell him that you would like him to think about it. Then, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. A day or two later, ask him what he came up with. And when he tells you that he didn't come up with anything, gently ask him to please think about it, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. It may take quite a while before this conversation takes place and things get better. In the meantime, you haven't made it worse.
I know I didn't describe the situation that this father was addressing. That's because it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter what is the nature of the situation to which the paramedic is responding. He always needs to stop and think about what might make things worse before he tries to make something better.
Did the title of this article sound strange to you? I've never heard of a First Reactor either. They're called First Responders, not First Reactors, and now you know why.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Parents spend a lot time preparing their home for Pesach. I suggest that parents also spend time preparing their children for Pesach.
How do you pique your child's interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what it's like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you don't want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what that's like. Then ask him what it's like when he finally gets to do whatever he feels like doing. If he says "that has never happened," don't argue or give examples of when you think it did happen. Accept his perception of reality and ask him what he would do if that did ever happen. Then ask him what happens when you do whatever you want but there are no rules; how do you know how to play, how to get along, what works best to get the things you want?
Now you can say, "the Yidden in Mitzrayim were bossed around all the time, made to do things they didn't want to do and that were too hard for them. Then Hashem freed them and they needed to know what to do with all that freedom and this is why Hashem gave us the Torah, so we'd know what to do when we have freedom and choices."
I hope your children don't perceive of the time they spend in school as "slavery." School, nonetheless, provides them structured time with specific places to be and things to do. They now have all this "freedom" from school, and they may not know what to do with it or where you wish they'd do it.
The timing is awful. Just when you're at your busiest with all of the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, that's when your children are off from school, seeking your attention. Even when (or should I say "if") the work is done for the day, you're exhausted and find it hard to be available to your children.
Your children have much more time on their hands just when you have even less time for them. It's a recipe for failure, unless you plan for success. Here's how.
Sit down with each of your children in advance. Expect to spend between two to five minutes with each child. That's really all you and they need to make some plans.
Sitting in a quiet, calm place with each child:
Explain that there will be times while there's no school that you won't be available to spend time with her.
Tell her what you would like her to help you with, when, and for how long.
Ask her what activities she would like to do when you're not available to spend time with her. With whom would she like to spend time, who can make the arrangements, what books, games, crafts, and equipment will help her stay busy while you're unusually busy.
Remember that planning activities is better done with children rather than for them.
Even after careful planning for a calm Pesach preparation session, a child may need your attention. When you perceive this need for attention as "misbehavior," you might become angry. Coping with anger during Pesach preparations is addressed in HaSeder HaAruch, who writes the following
A person must know that anger and harsh rebuke are always forbidden. "Anyone who becomes angry is considered as though he had committed idolatry." (Rambam hilchos daos 2:3 based on Talmud Shabbos 105b) Just as we must guard against chometz when baking matza, so must we guard against anger lest our matza be a mitzva haba b'aveira. (chapter 24 paragraph 6, my translation)
The Sefer HaChinuch in mitzva 16 writes that our thoughts and feelings are influenced by our actions. The actions we perform in the fulfillment of mitzvos are designed to focus our thoughts and stimulate our feelings. When we engage in mitzvos that remind us of the kindnesses and wonders that Hashem has done for us, we feel grateful and we realize that it is appropriate to express appreciation. Thus the activities we perform at the Seder naturally lead us to the thoughts and feelings we express in Hallel. The Chinuch writes this in the course of his discussion of the commandment not to break any bone of the korban Pesaach. There is another context in which breaking something is significant.
I mentioned that the Rambam describes someone who becomes angry as being tantamount to worshipping an idol. The gemara, however, equates anger with idolatry only when, in expressing the anger, the person breaks a vessel. Why doesn't the Rambam make this distinction? The Seder HaAruch posits that the Rambam wants to teach us that anger can lead to breakage indirectly and insidiously, even when the damage isn't immediately evident.
Our children are vessels, they are the kli machazik of our Torah, the repository of our future. When we speak to them in anger, we risk damage to that vessel that is the soul of our child. Damage that may not be evident, but is painful just the same.
Every couple of hours, while you're preparing for Pesach, sit down with a child for just a minute or two. Smile, sigh, and say, "hi, how are you doing?" The bracha for you and your child in those few moments may not be evident, but it is real just the same.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575
"So Cute, So Hard on a Marriage"
This was the title of an article in a recent issue of the Wall Street Journal that described the affect of children on their parents' marriage.
According to the article, "numerous studies have shown that a couples' satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship."
It's sad, and ironic. The irony is that the stronger the relationship between parents, the better it is for their children, these same children who test the strength of their parents' relationship again and again.
Is this article at all relevant to us, members of the frum community? Can you imagine parents in our community considering their children to be a source of stress and strain on their marriage?
Can you imagine parents being so stressed by their children that they could go so far as to curse them? And if you could, to what would you attribute it? Would you say it's because of our fast-paced urban lifestyle? Shall we blame it on the Internet?
I'm not a historian, but I'm fairly certain that the urban lifestyle of Bialystok, Poland in the early 1800s bore little resemblance to ours, and the Internet was not an issue to be addressed. The phenomenon of frum, loving parents cursing their children, was. It was addressed by a rav who lived in Bialystok, and died there in 1867, Rav Hanoch Zundel ben Yosef. He is best known for his commentaries Eitz Yosef and Anaf Yosef on the Midrash, the Ein Yaakov, and the Siddur.
Rav Hanoch Zundel also wrote a commentary on the laws and customs of tefila. I would like to share with you my translation of excerpts from his discussion of bentching children on Friday night, from his commentary Besamim Rosh.
(The Besamim Rosh is printed in the Siddur Otzar Hatefilos. In the 1966 Hebraica Press, nusach Ashkenaz edition, there are numbers at the bottom of the page. The number on the right is a chapter number and the number on the left is the page within that chapter. The following is from page "16 -39.")
"It is appropriate for every man to bless his sons and daughters on Shabbos, particularly on Friday night.
"I have found that that which it is customary for all Israel to bless their sons and daughters every Shabbos and holiday is because sometimes, during the week, the father and the mother have cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Therefore, now, in a time of joy we nullify those curses by way of the blessings; we ask Hashem to change the curse into a blessing.
"When a man places his hand onto the head of his child he, the father, is himself blessed, as the pasuk says, 'and Yisrael put his right hand, etc.' and then it says, 'and He [Hashem] blessed them, etc.'
"It is clear that it is a minhag shtus [an incorrect practice] on the part of those who refrain from blessing their children on the holy Sabbath, for our sages have taught, 'do not take lightly the blessing of an ordinary person.' And certainly at an ais ratzon [a time of G-d's willingness to forgive], such as Friday night, it [to fail to bless one's children] is an act of laziness brought about by the evil inclination, as is its way, to lower a person continuously into extreme sloth to prevent him from doing even the smallest act of the will of Hashem. Therefore anyone who has reverence for Hashem in his heart will bless his children and his offspring."
Sometimes, during the week, in early 19th century Bialystok, fathers and mothers cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Rav Hanoch Zundel did not berate those parents, he did not exhort them to control themselves at all times, to never become so frustrated and angry. He did not write that parents must never again curse their children. He knew that they might. He wrote that Hashem gives us an ais ratzon, a time when we can heal a wound inflicted in anger, and that it is inexcusable to forfeit the opportunity.
I'm sure you've never, G-d forbid, cursed any of your children, wished them harm or suffering. But you may have uttered an imprecation. An imprecation is defined as something rude, angry, or hostile that is said to or about someone. It is a synonym for "curse" in a broader sense of the term. The Hebrew word Rav Hanoch Zundel used is to describe how those parents may have "cursed" their children is m'kallalin. The word is translated as "to curse," but its literal meaning is to make light of. A parent doesn't have to be rude, angry, or hostile to curse their child in the Hebrew sense of the term. All it takes is a dismissive gesture of the hand or a glaring look to make a child be taken lightly, to feel insignificant.
The atonement process, when the Temple is standing, for one who has inflicted harm through inappropriate speech includes placing the blood of an offering onto the thumb. Rav Nisan Alpert, ztz"l, pointed out that this is to remind us of the harm we can do with a dismissive gesture of the hand.
Perhaps this is why it is so important that you place your hand on your child when you bless her. Your softly spoken love and soothing touch express your desire to heal the pain of harsh words and dismissive gestures.
One thing more. Make sure your eyes meet her eyes. Just as a look of disdain pushes your child away and makes her feel small, your smiling look of affection uplifts her and brings you closer.
Al t'hi birckas hedyot kallah b'aneicha (Megila 15a)
Don't take lightly the bracha given to you by an ordinary person.
It could be understood to mean, "The way to make your bracha more meaningful is b'aneicha, with your eyes."
A more meaningful bracha for your child, and for you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationship, and parenting. He works with parents
and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
2 comments
Dear Aviva,
I teach in a Seminary in Israel that caters to young modern orthodox women. I see that these girls are struggling with making the jump from learning halacha to incorporating it into their lives. For the most part, these girls were well raised and come from good, moral backgrounds. They don't necessarily feel like there is anything missing from their lives and they in no way consider themselves baalei teshuva.
How can we empower the good modern orthodox girl who never felt she was lacking to want to grow and connect to HaShem? Specifically in the areas of tzniut and shomer negia. They understand the importance of tzniyut but don't really see the merit in being careful that shirts aren't too tight or that knees are completely covered. What's missing?
-Hoping to help
Dear Hoping to help,
I think that if you took a huge step back, you would achieve what you set out for. If you have an agenda (albeit a noble one), the girls will pick up on it. Agendas tend to repel those that you are trying to attract. When you take a step back, you will stop focusing on one or two points to push. Instead, you can instill a more global love for G-d and love for Am Yisrael. If a young woman lacks this, but takes on strict adherence to halacha, she will be very wobbly once she is back home and questioned. There are many individuals whose growth is slow and steady and long-lasting. So don't try to fight the fashion. Just love and support your students.
But be on alert. If a student asks you questions about tzniyus, then be ready to address it. I remember a teacher of mine tried to encourage my modern class to dress more modestly and be more prudish with boys. She gave a horrible analogy-she said "Imagine you are in the grocery store and you are buying tomatoes. Would you pick the ones that have bruises on them? Or would you buy the ones that look like nobody touched them?" She was basically making us all feel like damaged goods, and she also stressed the point that the goal is to be untouched for our future husband. Wrong and wrong. Firstly, a positive slant would have been more effective. Secondly, that's a really bad goal-change our behaviors just to snag a good hubby. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Instead, talk about a wealthy woman. This woman has millions in the bank and owns some very rare gems. Does she give out her PIN and her ATM card? No. Does she wear her jewelry when she is out and about? No. This analogy actually brings to mind a time when I was enlightened by something. I was at a wedding. The guests that attended ranged across the socio-economic spectrum. Everybody had their glitz blinging and looked beautiful. Some stones were real, and some were costume. Then, I spotted a woman whose wealth far out-wealths any other guests. I'm not one to check someone out, but I could not help but notice the stark simplicity of her attire. A single solitaire diamond centered in her collarbone was the only sparkly bit on her. What is the message here? This is someone who is capable of putting Tiffany's to shame. I guess she didn't want to shame her Jewish sisters who could not keep up with her. Instead, she chose to downplay and to undertone. She knows what beauty she has at home in her vault. She just doesn't want to be defined by it.
And I don't mean that a girl should save her beauty till she feels ready to share it with the right person. I mean she should save her beauty for herself. I'm involved in a longitudinal study, and my poor kids are the subjects of it. I always tell them how beautiful their bodies are (particularly their most private areas. And yes, it is a little hard to say that to my son without a smirk). If they decide to start streaking in the middle of our Shabbos meal with guests, I do not shriek or yell at them to cover up. Instead, I smile and say, "Wow! Hashem gave you such a beautiful body! But it's really just for you to have. It's your special present just for you." I'll let you know in a decade or two if my method has a leg to stand on…
-Aviva
--
Aviva Rizel, MA
Marriage and Family Therapist
528 Willow Avenue
Cedarhurst, NY 11516
[email protected]In Derech Eretz Rabba (Ch.5), we find an expression that speaks to the conundrum you face as a parent of teenagers: kabdehu v'hashdehu, be respectful and be suspicious. You want to respect his privacy yet you wonder what he's doing in private. You want to trust his judgment and you worry that he doesn't always make the best decisions. He wants you to let go but you still want to know where he's going. You're ambivalent and quite sure about only one thing; that you mustn't reveal your ambivalence to your teenage child. And that's your only mistake. Because it leads you into doing the one thing you most wish he wouldn't do to you. It leads you to deceive him.
Your ambivalence is appropriate. You want to give your teen more independence, and you want to trust him with his privacy, but you don't entirely trust him and you want him to depend on you for guidance. What's the best way to address this puzzling situation? I think an example would be helpful.
Here are some excerpts from a conversation between a father and his teenage son.
Yossi, you got out of school at 6, and you should've been home by 6:30. Why didn't you get here until 7:15? Where were you?
At Eli's. We were working on a project together.
So you don't mind if I call Eli's parents to confirm that?
You don't trust me!
This isn't about trust!
Let's pause the conversation right here. At this point, dad has made it clear that he wants to confirm the veracity of Yossi's statement that he was at his friend's house. I would wonder, along with Yossi, why dad wants independent confirmation if dad does trust his son. If it really is not about trust, then what is it about? And where does this conversation go from here? If dad continues to insist that it's not about trust, the conversation devolves into a debate on why you would ask for confirmation of your child's statement if you do trust him.
There is an alternative. Here's how the conversation flows when dad responds to his son's statement more accurately.
Yossi: You don't trust me!
That's true, Yossi , sometimes I find it hard to trust you. Why are you reluctant for me to call Eli's parents to confirm that you were there? That would give you the opportunity to prove that you were telling the truth and that I was mistaken to think that you weren't.
Okay, fine, I wasn't at Eli's. I was at Public Library.
Doing what?
Why must you know everything that I do, why can't you just trust me?
Because you just lied, again.
Let's stop the conversation here. It's true that Yossi originally lied about where he had been after school, but then he told his father the truth, that he had been at the Public Library. Dad now heard the truth from his son who had the courage to admit that he had lied. Rather than thinking of Yossi as having no choice because his father "caught him," I would prefer for dad to see this as an opportunity to acknowledge something his son did well after having done something very poorly. I do not want dad to condone the lie. I want him to acknowledge the difficulty his son might have had in admitting the lie and telling the truth.
If dad were to say, "you see, Yossi, I was right, you were lying again, why should I ever trust you," Yossi would learn that the only thing worse than lying is getting caught. Next time he'll lie more carefully, and if he gets caught, he'll try to lie his way out of that, because his father taught him that admitting he lied just gets him criticized even more.
Here's an alternative. What does Yossi learn when his father says, "Yossi I really feel bad that you lied to me about where you had been. I appreciate your owning up to it now and telling me the truth. That took some humility and courage, and you did it well. Yossi, I would like to understand how to help you tell me the truth to begin with next time. What were you concerned would've happened had you told me the truth when I first asked you where you had been?"
What Yossi learns when his father speaks to him this way is that his father wants to trust him and that it's very hard for his father to trust him, sometimes. It's also hard for Yossi to be where his father expects him to be when he'd really like to be at the Public Library.
This is the conundrum of parenting teenagers. Dad has his concerns about Yossi being at the Public Library, and Yossi resents his father for not trusting him there. Yossi has no intention of looking at anything inappropriate at the Public Library. Dad is concerned that Yossi might be exposed to something inappropriate and have a hard time steering clear of it. Yossi wants his father to trust him to make appropriate choices when inappropriate choices are staring him in the face. Dad wants to shield his son from such temptations because he doesn't trust him to always withstand them.
So we are back where we started from. With one important difference. Dad still expresses appropriate and necessary suspicion. But he has added respect by being candid about it, and accepting the fact that his son resents him for it sometimes.
Nobody said parenting teens is easy. Check with your teen; he'll tell you being one isn't so simple, either.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." Young children are taught to say thank you when they are given something because it's courteous to say thank you. You don't wait until your child appreciates that something good has been done for him and wants to express gratitude. You begin by teaching him to say thank you when something happened that he should appreciate, even though he doesn't understand what he's saying, and he doesn't understand what there is to appreciate.
Similarly, young children are prompted to say amen when someone says a bracha. They're taught to say amen even though they have no idea what amen means, and they don't know what the bracha they're responding to means, either. I would hope that as the child grows older, he will be taught the various intentions he may express with his amen as he discerns the meaning of the brachos to which he is responding.
This brings us to the subject of hakoras hatov; noticing, and acknowledging, bracha. How do you help your child discern bracha in his day to day life? How do you help him appreciate what you give to him?
I don't think my son appreciates anything I give to him or do for him because it's never enough. If I take him to the playground, he wants to go to the ice cream store afterwards. If I take him to the ice cream store, he wants three toppings on his cone, not two. If I let him ride his bike in front of our house, he wants to go past the next three houses, and if I let him go there, he wants to go around the corner. All I ever hear about is what he didn't get, and never a thank you for what he did get.
You want your son to say thank you for what you did give him, and not want more than you gave him?
Yes, why can't he ever be satisfied with less than every single thing he wants?
That's an interesting question. It reminds me of something we spoke about two weeks ago. You had been very frustrated with Gavriel because every time you gave him a short list of things to do, he did some of them but he never managed to do all of them. When I asked you how you express your acknowledgment of what Gavriel does accomplish from his lists, you said that if you acknowledged the part that he did do, you'd be condoning the fact that he didn't do the rest. Now you want Gavriel to appreciate what you give him at the ice cream store or the playground, and not be unable to appreciate it because of what you didn't give him. To me, it's parallel. You would like Gavriel to appreciate what he was given even when he wants more, and I would like you to acknowledge what Gavriel does even when you want him to do more. What do you think?
It can be very difficult to notice something your child did well amid the disappointment that she didn't do it even better, to appreciate the part that she got right and not be blinded to it by the part she didn't get right, yet.
It's very important to notice the good part even when it's incomplete or inconsistent. It gives you the opportunity to encourage your child to do even better instead of discouraging her with never having gotten enough. And it reminds you to think of your own success as a parent in the same terms.
Here's a handout I've given to parents attending my groups. It will help you experience, and model, hakoras hatov.
When you are looking for success to appreciate and celebrate:
· If the glass is half empty, you're looking at the wrong part of the glass.
· If the glass is usually half full, give your child a smaller glass.
Hakoras hatov is a 2 step process. Each step requires kavana, conscious intention.
Step 1
Kavana - think to yourself:
I will now build my midah of hakoras hatov by noticing and planning how to acknowledge something my child has done well.
Then:
Say to yourself: I will now give value to something my child did well even though I want him/her to do it better and more often.
Step 2
Kavana - think to yourself:
I will now build my child's self-esteem by effectively acknowledging something my child has done well.
Then:
Say to your child: You did that so well! You put all of those seforim onto the shelves so neatly! [Be specific and accurate about what your child did.]
Optional: And I'm proud /pleased /glad/ relieved. This may be added to, not substituted for, the "You did that so well!" statement of acknowledgement.
You will find that as you express hakoras hatov to your child more often and more effectively, your child will give you even more to appreciate. She will learn how to notice and express hakoras hatov more often, too. Perhaps that's because hakoras hatov is a mitzvah, and mitzvah goreress mitzvah. [When you do what Hashem expects of you, Hashem gives you the opportunity to do more of it.]
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
The women in one of my parenting groups asked me to speak with them about hakoras hatov. I began by describing the term and asking them to think about what it literally means. We tend to think of it as "saying thank you." That's not what the words mean. Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." It follows that if your child doesn't notice something that's good she's not going to express appreciation for it. It does not necessarily follow that when your child notices something as being good, she will express appreciation.
Where would you prefer to begin? Do you want to help your child become more aware of what there is to appreciate and then teach her how to express her appreciation, or would you rather just tell her, "say thank you."
I would prefer that you help your child express something that she would like to express rather than just put words into her mouth. When she does not express appreciation, slow down, and wonder the following to yourself:
Is she grateful and she didn't tell me, or did she miss what I think she should be grateful for?
Here is a worksheet that members of the group completed so we'd have some examples to discuss. I hope you'll cut it out, and make copies. It will help you teach your child both components of hakoras hatov: noticing good things and expressing appreciation.
What happened that you thought your child appreciated?
What did your child say about it?
How did you respond to what he/she said?
What would you like your child to say instead or in addition?
How did you express that expectation?
When are pro forma expressions of appreciation (or regret) appropriate?
One of the women shared what she had written.
What happened was that I took my 15-year-old son to the store and bought him a new hat and I thought he appreciated it. What he said was nothing at all, and my response was to say nothing in return because I didn't know what to say; I was so hurt. What I wanted was for him to say thank you, to show some appreciation. How did I express that expectation to him? I said something like, "don't you think you should say thank you?"
I didn't ask that mom to tell us what she had written about pro forma expressions. I was more interested in exploring what went wrong in the scenario she had described so I could help her teach her son how to get it right next time. I asked her to tell us what had happened after she told her son he should've said thank you.
He said he was incredibly embarrassed to be in the hat store with all of his little brothers, sisters, and me, when all of his friends go to the hat store with just their father, or by themselves. I guess he didn't notice what there was to appreciate right that minute because he was still feeling embarrassed over the whole situation. I realized that's why he hadn't said thank you. I've learned to slow down and leave him alone for a while. Sure enough, when he came over to say goodnight to me that evening, he looked me right in the eye, gave me that little half smile of his, and said, "Ma, you bought me a really nice hat. Thank you."
Over the past few months, I have explored with this group of women the relationship between our thoughts and our emotions. This seemed like a good time to revisit those concepts.
You said that when your son didn't say thank you after you bought him the hat you felt hurt. You thought he was being ungracious. In retrospect, you're thinking about it differently. Now you're wondering if he was grateful for the hat and he was embarrassed by having you and his siblings in the hat store and until he got over the embarrassment he wasn't able to express his appreciation but then he did. Now that you're thinking all these things, how hurt are you feeling, in retrospect?
I see what you mean. Had I thought about what the entire situation had been like for him I might've realized why he didn't express appreciation, and I would not have felt hurt, just curious.
Curious about what?
Curious about what was making it difficult for my usually gracious and appreciative child to express appreciation for his new hat, rather than hurt that he hadn't. In the end, he expressed himself very nicely, far more nicely than if I would've said to say thank you and he would have said thank you so I would leave him alone.
It took a while for her son to notice the good outcome beyond the unpleasant circumstances, but when he did, he expressed himself very nicely. The pro forma "say thank you" instruction was unnecessary.
When are pro forma "say thank you" instructions and "say you're sorry" instructions appropriate? When your child is not capable of cognitively discerning what there is to appreciate, or feel sorry for, even when you point it out.
When you think your child may be able appreciate something after you've taken the time to help her notice it, I would urge you to invest the time to help her feel and then express genuine thanks.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
It's that time of the year again. School has ended, camp hasn't begun, and parents don't have as much time off as their children do. What are some good suggestions for activities that your children may enjoy when they come over to you and say, "I have nothing to do!"
I remember some of the things I suggested to our children when they were little.
You could mow the lawn, you could pull the weeds, you could plant the seeds you wanted to buy when we were at the store a month ago and have been sitting on the windowsill in the dining room ever since.
Dad, it's way too hot out to do that stuff. What can we do inside
Well, you can find some place to put those seeds so that they're not in the dining room anymore; you can sort through all the papers, folders and projects you brought home from school and decide which ones you want to keep and where you'd like to put them; you could organize the playroom and put all the game pieces back with the games they belong with that you always tell me you don't have time to do when you finish playing a game; and you could ask mom if there's anything she'd like some help with.
I was always amazed that my kids didn't think these were wonderful ideas. But they didn't. They'd find some things to read and play a game with one another. And so the days went by. Until, at last, it was time for our vacation, the pursuit of "fun for the whole family."
Baruch HaShem, we occasionally found it! Sometimes we even found it where we had been looking for it. We thought we would all enjoy a visit to our siblings where our children could enjoy some rare time with their cousins, and we were right. The 10 hour drive was well worth it. Five hours a day on the road each day went by pleasantly when we played family trivia games we had made up and had plenty of food and drink on hand. Having a "party" of snack foods and soda every night we stayed in a motel made bedtime a little less difficult, not so much from the food as from the camaraderie.
There were other times that we had a wonderful time together because we let things happen. Driving through Pennsylvania, we thought we would find picnic tables along the road but all we found was an outlet shopping mall parking lot. We parked under a tree in a far corner where it was not unbearably hot. We had, thanks to my very organized wife, bottles of water for washing, sandwiches, fruit, and assorted dessert items. What we didn't have was any place to sit. Until our kids realized that the hood of a 1985 Caprice station wagon affords spacious seating for many children. My wife and I opted for the tailgate, a little less of a climb.
I am tempted to lament the shape of minivans. The hood slopes too steeply to sit upon it, and the back of the car opens up, not down.
I hope you'll find some other unconventional places to sit and eat a picnic lunch with your children this summer. I hope you'll make up a family trivia game or let your children make one up.
When our youngest was six he asked some trivia questions about things that had happened during school a month before that none of us could possibly have known about. It gave him the opportunity to tell us about some things he had found interesting. None of us was in a rush or too busy with something else. Yes, what he told us was trivial. It was important to him to be heard, and we listened. It was all part of the game, it was fun, and everyone had a turn to try to stump the rest of us. And there were prizes! Each correct answer was worth up to three cents!
Another way for your whole family to have fun together is to tell stories. Not stories from books; stories from your life. Some of our children's favorite stories were the adventures and minor misadventures of our childhoods.
Like the time I went with my friend to the World's Fair, and got lost on the way home because we had gotten off the train and gone outside and only then realized that the IRT to 142 St. that we were supposed to have taken and the IRT to 141 St. that we took cause we figured it would only be a block further to walk don't actually take you to places just one block apart and we had spent all of our money at the World's Fair keeping only the 15 cents we needed to get home so now we couldn't get back onto a train and we asked a policeman to help us and he escorted us underneath the turnstile and made sure we understood how to get to the train we needed.
My wife told our kids how she took the train to school and back every day from the time she was in 7th grade.
For our carpooled, suburban children these were amazing tales. Trivial details of our younger lives became memories to share with our children, opportunities to enjoy some time talking with one another. When we found ourselves with nothing to do, what we did was to create memories for ourselves and our children of the time we spent together when they were young.
Ben Azzai said, do not minimize any person, and don't discount anything [in your life].
When you and your children have nothing to do and nothing important to say, cherish them and the time you have together. Tell them your stories and listen to theirs. It can be wonderful for the whole family.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
