Author: martin rosenfeld, rabbi

The late Rabbi Harry Wohlberg taught Midrash at Yeshiva University to generations of Semikha students. He asked his students on one occasion to explain why the Talmud states that the Mizbeah (altar of the Temple) itself cries for a couple going through a divorce proceeding. Why was this metaphor of a "crying altar" used? Rabbi Wohlberg explained that the altar was the scene of bloody activity on a daily basis, it had become de-sensitized to blood and gore; yet it could not tolerate the scene of a couple seeking to end their marital relationship.

Divorce takes its toll on many individuals, in a ripple effect. It is no wonder that divorce is frequently listed among the five biggest traumas in the adult experience. Unfortunately, its negative impact affects multiple generations, with children often the greatest victims of all.

It is estimated that more than half of the marriages in the U.S. will end in divorce. I have not seen comparable statistics for Jewish marriages but we know that the rate of divorce is growing significantly. In my post-rabbinic career, I have chosen to work in the field of divorce as a Divorce Mediator. I find this work to be both satisfying and greatly needed. I can think of no situation, with the possible exception of custody disputes, where mediation is not far more beneficial and therapeutic that that which can be found in the traditional adversarial system of battling attorneys.

Mediation, unlike litigation, fully involves the couple in an open discussion and negotiation concerning the conditions of the divorce settlement. This discussion is facilitated by a mediator who serves as a neutral party, assisting the couple in reaching an agreement. Mediation is an optimistic profession in that believes that adults, even when they possess variant interest and needs, can reach an accord that will be fair and balanced. Mediation utilizes skills that the couple will need to use even after the divorce if they share children. Mediation allows the couple to close the door on their marriage, but not slam it. It is an example of what constructive communication can yield.

There is a Hassidic insight that defines Pessah as the combination of two words: Peh Sah. "The mouth speaks". We show our most basic humanity when we become free enough to state opinions, wants and needs. Through the medium of speech we can define problems and we can then begin to seek solutions. The ability of a couple, even in the midst of divorce, to seek solutions rather than blame, lies at the heart of mediation. More importantly, mediation trains the couple in the power of working collaboratively toward a shard goal. The need for such positive and focused conversation can serve us on the communal level as well.

A question that occurs to me often is: why does our society expect a couple to marry as Benei Torah and yet allow them (frequently) to divorce as battle-hardened mercenaries? Judaic values are often observed only in their breach when many couples negotiate their divorce settlement. This situation is aggravated exponentially when the rancor becomes so great that the Get (religious divorce) becomes a bargaining chip. It is, at times, to our chagrin, withheld (or not accepted) by a recalcitrant spouse. I would like to propose in an outline form some suggestions that deal with Jewish divorce and the painful status of the Agunah. Many of these thoughts derive from the model of mediation where finger-pointing is rejected in favor of constructive searches for solutions and frank discussion. However, one caveat is in order. In order to discuss Jewish divorce, we first need to discuss Jewish marriage. In like manner, in order to discuss Agunah concerns, we must communally first address Jewish marriage as it currently exists.

Social critics have often commented on how society tests for driving competence before it issues a motor vehicle license, but does not do so before it issues a marriage license. How do we prepare our future generation for married life in a society which accepts "disposable" relationships as a cardinal principle of romantic faith? I believe we need to apply our education paradigms toward martial preparation and counseling. Many communities have begun projects, often called "Hupah Project" "Shalom Project" etc. In some communities, such programs involve an interface between Jewish Family Services and the rabbinic community. The purpose of these programs is to offer sessions with the newly-engaged couples in order to teach communication skills, introduce halakhic norms, and offer guidance on issues that will need to be negotiated in marital life. For many couples, this will represent their first opportunity to meet community professionals in the religious sphere as well as the mental health arena. The group setting offers the couple a chance to listen and also a chance to dialogue. They are introduced to potential challenges and also strategies for a successful resolution of the same. The couple learns to listen, to talk, and to problem-solve; these are qualities that serve us all well in our daily exchanges.

I have seen in recent years a dramatic growth of mental health professionals who are well-versed in both Jewish law and social theory and practice. It is no longer unusual to see a young man/woman go through many years of Yeshiva education and then choose to serve her/his community by electing to become a mental health practitioner. The rabbinate and the mental health professionals need to work hand-in-hand and cross-refer when appropriate in this area. It would be a worthy project to have a national roster of such professionals whose expertise in the areas of marital life and Shalom Bayit make them a natural resource for married couples. I know of no organization that is limited to those who specialize in issues affecting married life but I think the need for such a group is self-evident.

The role of Rashei Yeshiva has been discussed and debated in multiple journal entries. I will only offer the observation that the influence of these leaders among our religious young adults is great. I do believe that their role in stressing the need to learn proper communication skills would be most valuable. These rabbinic leaders should encourage students to seek professional intervention when this is called for. Their lectures should stress the need for positive communication and the need to seek solutions in a spirit of collaboration. Finally, these leaders, and others, when confronting the reality of the dissolution of a marriage, should encourage the positive method of mediation rather than the divisive alternative of lengthy confrontation and litigation. (As an aside, mediated divorces have been projected as representing 20% of the cost of a litigated divorce. The money saving is, however, far from being the real benefit of such an approach.). We need, in short, to teach the skills for a positive home life, reinforce them, give hizzuk where needed and set a tone for an integration of Jewish values coupled with insights from contemporary social thought. We also need to remember the advice that "Values are not taught, they are caught".

Preparation for married life needs to be a prime focus of our educational and communal curricula. We must ask how are we to train our students for the life skills they will need for successful married life. Yemei Iyun on such topics as communication skills, pre-nuptial agreements, Jewish sexuality need to be more widespread. More importantly, we need to ask what objectives we seek, and how to we plan to get there. It might be appropriate to recall the thought that "If you don't know where you are going, all roads will take you there". I daresay that we know where we are going. My question is directed at the query as to whether we know how to get there.

There is a story about a young child who saw some starfish awash on the seashore. She took them one at a time and hurled them back into the sea. She was asked: "There are so many starfish here, do you think you can possibly help them all?" She answered: "I don't know, but I just made a difference in the life of the one I sent back to the ocean". I do not have a solution which will remedy the "Agunah problem". I do believe however, that like the girl in the story, we need to focus attention on the micro as much as the macro, i.e. why do we have an Agunah problem, and can we make a difference?"

A few years ago, attorney Joseph Rackman, wrote an article about a registry that would contain the names of recalcitrant spouses. Their respective communities would put the appropriate pressure on such individuals to bring about the desired effect of effecting the granting of Gittin. I met with attorney Rackman to discuss his proposal and made a suggestion. Should we not first meet with each spouse who was acting in such a defiant fashion and explore what was sparking the unacceptable behavior? It is easy to accuse all recalcitrant spouses of being "money-hungry" and manipulative. However, this may not have been the original trigger. There may have been a call for "someone to listen" that was never heeded. There may have been a negative experience with a Beth Din. There may have been pre-existing threats from the opposing spouse. Idle legal threats may have caused a violent reaction. We will never know unless we try to reach out and communicate. Our system is not fool-proof and neither are our appointed representatives. In our zeal to help one spouse (as sacred as that work is) we dare not demonize the other without first trying to hear from them. Communal pressure ultimately is quite important. But let us not forget the need to first enter into conversation with those who flaunt our halakhic and ethical norms.

One of the organizations working with this issue, ORA, has offered couples pro bono mediation when there is a hope that communication can be productive. Even if we fail in our attempts to reach out to these individuals, we will gain a wealth of insight into how our community structure has "broken down" and why we have failed to impress some community members with the thought that "Her ways are ways of peace".

We have much to gain by offering mediation assistance to couples who are unable to find the proper manner to dissolve their marriage and its attendant issues. I do not believe we have made the institution of marriage a communal priority in terms of education , outreach and financial support. To cite one example, the Catholic groups have family institutions, seminars, lecture bureaus, etc. Prominent Church leaders head such efforts and have even become national figures. What have we done in our community to try to emulate such work? (On a personal note, I have communicated with 5 major Jewish organizations, in order to volunteer to try to initiate some of the proposals outlined herein. Only 1 of the 5 actually responded.) Marital life is probably the most vital Jewish institution to ensure continuity of our value system. What have we invested in such an undertaking? Where are our communal structures?

If we felt the pressing need, we could convene a meeting on Agunah and divorce. Papers could be presented, issues debated, and dialogue begun. With every year that we fail to do something of this nature, we miss an opportunity that is desperately needed. Indeed our national conferences always have the occasional session on issues of Jewish marriage. But don't we need and deserve more? We have organizations for Agunah. Do we have similar organizations that deal with Jewish marriage, Jewish divorce, and the halakhic norms that surround them?

To the above, I would add the need for blogs so that community members with specific needs have a place to go for direction and inspiration. I maintain such a website for those who seek a Get but do not know where to turn. A great Kiruv opportunity exists if we make the effort to explain to the non-Orthodox what a Get entails, help them find a proper Beth Din, and organize volunteers to help them through their Get process. We shout about the tragedy of Agunah and yet we allow the non-Orthodox to be unaware of the Get process, thus dooming future generations to our community's ultimate rejection; i.e. mamzerut. Surely there is more work that can engage us in this area.

To succed as Torah Jews, the Brisker Rav stated, we need to be business-like. We need to have a mission statement, objectives, and resources, in addition to moral commitment. This is the regimen we would undertake for our business and this must be our charge as Torah leaders. There is work to be done in the area of Ishut, and all that the term entails. We all have ideas and strategies. Perhaps the time for "Peh Sah" has arrived. We need to dialogue, talk, and listen. We need to work collaboratively. If we apply such an approach, the challenges presented in the areas of Jewish Marriage, Jewish Divorce, and Agunah, we will be worthy of Bilaam's coerced admission: "How goodly are your tents Jacob". I can think of no greater praise, or goal, than that."

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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

Sometimes I get so angry I can’t see straight.

Perhaps you’re being blinded by the reflection of the son.

 

That’s not a typo.   Many parents have said to me that their child’s behavior reflects upon them.  They report being embarrassed, not for their child, but by their child, when he behaves inappropriately in a public place.   They don’t feel bad that their child is making a fool of herself.  They feel bad that she’s making a fool of them.  That’s when the parent says something inappropriate in that same public place, and the situation spirals downward rapidly.  Blinded by the reflection of their child’s behavior on them, they don’t know what to do.

 

There is a way to break the downward spiral, maybe even prevent it.  It requires some analysis of this concept that a child’s behavior reflects upon his parents.   Where did that idea come from?

 

The same place all important ideas come from.  Torah.

 

When Yaakov Aveinu left his parents’ home, he asked Hashem for two things: lechem l’echol u’beged lilbosh, literally “bread to eat and clothing to wear.”  Bearing in mind that he left home with a specific instruction from his father to find a wife, it seems more reasonable to for him to have dovened for success on meeting a suitable wife and raising a family with her.   According to Tosefes Bracha (Braishis 28:20), Yaakov was dovening for a wife and children, using the term lechem to allude to a wife, and the term beged to allude to children.   Tosefes Bracha cites Rashi on Braishis 39:6 to show that Yosef alluded to aishes Potifar with the term lechem, demonstrating that the word lechem is used elsewhere to refer to a wife.   But where else do we see children referred to as clothing?

In the following gemara:

“Now Yehoshua was clothed with filthy garments.” (Zachariah 3:3)  Surely it was not his wont to wear filthy garments! But this intimates that his sons married women unfit for the priesthood and he did not stop them.  (Sanhedrin 93a)

The High Priest Yehoshua is described as garbed in clothing that is soiled by his children’s inappropriate behaviors.

Tosefes Bracha explains:

Children are like a person’s clothing.  Just as a garment enhances the appearance of a person’s body, children enhance his soul, as it says in Mishlei (10:1) “A wise son brings joy to his father” because the father is honored through him.  Thus it also taught in the Midrash Tanhuma on Vayikra, “in the merit of children, fathers are honored.”  This was the reason for referring to a person as the father of an illustrious son, as in Terach avi Avraham, Kish avi Shaul, Avuah d’Shmuel, and others in Tanach and Shas.   On the other hand, children who do not behave appropriately stain and diminish their father’s name and honor; they are like a sign of disgrace on his clothing.

 

So we see from Torah how the behavior of a child does reflect upon his parents.  How do you make your child reflect positively upon you?   How did Yehoshua, the Kohel Gadol with dirty clothing, make his children clean up their act so he wouldn’t be sullied by their behavior?

 

According to the Malbim, he didn’t.   The malach told his subordinates to remove the soiled clothing from Yehoshua.   The Malbim explains that this meant to remove the suffering he felt from the sins of his sons.

 

This doesn’t mean Yehoshua was told to ignore the sins of his sons.  It means he was taught that he needn’t be soiled and diminished by the sins of his sons.  He was shown that he was still worthy of wearing the mitznefes, the crown of High Priesthood, even though he had been unable to prevent his sons from making terrible mistakes.   From that position of honor he would more likely influence his sons to mend their ways; more likely, but there are no guaranties.

That is made clear by the gemara Sanhedrin 104a.   The Mishna listed Kings of Israel who had lost their place in Olam Haba.   The gemara wondered why some very wicked Kings were not included in that list.

And why was [the wicked King] Amon not included?  Because of [his son, the righteous King] Josiah's honor.  Then Manasseh [the righteous King Hezekiah's son] too should not be included, because of Hezekiah's honor?

[The answer is that] a son confers merit on his father, but a father confers no merit on a son, as the pasuk says, “Neither is there any one that can deliver out of my hand.”  (Devorim 32:39)  Avraham cannot deliver Yishmael, and Yitzchak cannot deliver Esau.

 

Yishmael and Esau did not bring honor to their fathers.   But their failures didn’t prevent their fathers from becoming our Patriarchs, paradigms of Chesed and Gevurah, respected leaders in their own lifetimes, and for all time.

 

Your child is not, chas v’shalom, an Esau even when he doesn’t behave as you wish he would.   You can still maintain your self-respect when your child disrespects you, even in public.  I am not suggesting that you condone or ignore bad behavior.  I am urging you not to lash out against it in a way that lessens you, and in no way helps your child.   A harsh and impulsive reaction to your child’s misbehavior will probably lead to onlookers to imagine that your child is harsh and impulsive as a result of how you are.   A measured and controlled response will probably lead them to think that you are working hard to help your child, even when your child is giving you a very hard time.   Yes, your child’s behavior does reflect upon you.   Your response reveals your true image.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
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by Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin MS, LCPC Have you ever wondered what prompts couples to give up on their marriage? While there are certain events that can push a marriage over the edge, many couples are successfully able to weather a lousy marriage for a long time. Other than infidelity, I have observed that therapy is often the cause for one spouse to throw in the towel and give up. No, I am not referring to bad marriage therapy that often sounds like …
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Author: martin rosenfeld, rabbi

Clients who are interested in Divorce Mediation (Note: This article focuses on divorce mediation but the ideas hold true for all mediation paradigms) will often ask if mediation makes sense even if there will be issues that are not able to be resolved via mediation.  Does it make sense to mediate if e.g. only 8 of 10 issues will be resolved via mediation?  I believe the answer to this question is in the affirmative.  Divorce Mediation serves many purposes and in discussing this question with a client, the true benefit of mediation will become apparent.  (For the purpose of this article, I use the term "incomplete agreements" for agreements that leaves some issues unresolved.)

Litigation

Litigation is costly and traumatic.  Even if there is agreement only only some of the issues in dispute, mediation will have served the purpose of lessening dispute, lowering eventual attorney fees, and making it clear to both parties that the matters in dispute are neither unduly numerous nor legally overwhelming. The fact that many issues were indeed resolved via mediation will make agreement on the remaining issues that much greater.  Studies support such a conclusion.

"Good Will" in Mediation

Incomplete agreements show the parties that consensus on some issues was indeed attainable.  This gives the parties the confidence to continue their communication into the future.  Nothing succeeds like success.  It is indisputable that agreement was attained because of the "good will" of the parties.  The residual "good will" hopefully will continue until the final agreement will eventually be reached.  Even in the cases where the disputed issues will need to be submitted to the Court, the level of rancor and confrontation will have been dramatically reduced.

Positive Communication

Finally, mediation teaches the parties that they possess the ability to communicate positively and civilly.  This communication skill will be needed even after the divorce if they are co-parents or if unanticipated issues eventually arise.  Giving this gift of positive dialogue to a divorcing couple is perhaps one of the greatest gifts any mediator can bestow.

Incomplete agreements will sometimes be the end result of divorce mediation.  However, the legal fees saved, the "good will" created, and the positive communication experience will all serve the clients well both in the short-term and in the long-term.  Divorce mediation is a multi-faceted process and it works, even when it leads to an incomplete agreement.

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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.              Understanding yourself and your needs so that you can accurately convey them to your spouse, asking your partner open-ended questions to allow your spouse the opportunity to express themselves and probing for a more complete understanding in emotional discussions are the first three steps of Dr. John Gottman’s findings of what makes for a …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

When Yisrael made the Eigel, Hashem became angry and said to Moshe, “go down, for your people have become corrupted.”  Moshe said (to himself), “it is a time of anger, I needn’t speak now.”  What did Moshe do, immediately, “he turned and went down from the mountain. “(Yalkut Shimoni Shelach Lecha section 743)

 

Moshe walked away.  At the most critical point of G-d’s anger, Moshe did nothing.  He didn’t appease, he didn’t explain, he didn’t ask for clemency, he didn’t pray to give them chance.  He turned around and walked away.

 

According to the Yalkut, this is the source for the Mishna in Avos that teaches us al tiratzeh es chavercha b’shas kaasoh, do not attempt to placate someone while they’re angry. 

 

At that time, Moshe came before HaShem and said,” Master of the Universe, etc. forgive them.”  Hashem said to Moshe, “because you waited, I have forgiven as you requested.  (ibid.)

 

“At that time.”  At what time?  At the appropriate time.  At the time of panai yeileichu v’chanichasi lach.   The time when Hashem, kaviyachol, had calmed down.

 

Rav Ovadiah mi’Bartenura quotes this pasuk to remind us that when the anger has diminished, that is the time to placate, soothe, and heal the wounded relationship.   Not to pretend it never happened because “they got over it.”  Rather, to revisit and regret the harm inflicted and seek to make amends.   When victim and perpetrator are in the heat of emotion, neither regret nor forgiveness are likely to be sincere.   Which wouldn’t be so terrible.  What’s terrible is the resentment generated when expressions of regret and forgiveness, unfelt, are imposed.

 

Moshe said (to himself) it is a time of anger, I needn’t speak now.

 

Contrast this with the attitude, “I can’t just ignore it, I have to say something.”

 

Hashem said, “because you waited, I have forgiven as you requested.”

 

By waiting for a propitious time, Moshe accomplished what he knew was vitally important: the forgiveness he sought for the Bnai Yisrael.

 

What could possibly be more important than saving our nation?  Wouldn’t it follow that in such a situation time is of the essence, you can’t afford to waste a second?

No, it does not follow.  Urgency is not integral to importance.  Often, deliberation is a more appropriate response to importance than haste.  Moshe understood this, even in a situation whose outcome was potentially catastrophic.  Especially in a situation of such gravity, the words of the Tiferes Yisrael on al tiratzeh es chavercha b’shas kaasoh should be carefully considered.  He wrote:

 

The Tanna mentioned 4 types of thoughts that burn like flames, “affects” in the vernacular: anger, grief, fear, and shame.  And it is the same with every such thing.  When you see a person gripped in an intense emotion, do not fight against it.  Not only will you not help him, you will cause harm.  [Avos 4:18, s.v. v’al tishtadael]

 

Affect is a set of observable manifestations of a subjectively experienced emotion.  When you see someone experiencing intense emotions, you see their “affect,” the manifestations of their emotions.  When your emotion becomes concern or anxiety over what is happening to them, or even fear of what they may do to you, remind yourself of the words of Pele Yoetz: Ki pri ha’maheerus charata, the fruit of haste is regret.  [Pele Yoetz at the end of the secton entitled Yishuv ha’Daas]  Simply stated: slow down.

 

Renee had heard all of this at my presentation in her shul.  She and her husband Yuri came to discuss how it could apply to them given that their 7 year old and their 6 year old fight over toys daily.

 

But don’t I have to do something?

Yes, Renee, you probably have to do something.  What is there for you to choose from?

What I sometimes do, is take away the toy they were fighting over and tell them that if they’re going to fight over a toy then both of them lose it.

And then they stop fighting? What happens next?

Then they yell at each other over whose fault it was that the toy got taken away. So I sit the two of them down and I ask them why they can’t play together nicely, and each of them explains why it’s the other one’s fault.

I would urge you, Renée, to speak with one child at a time even when the situation involves both of them together.

We’ve tried that.  Yuri took the older one and I took the younger one and neither of us got anywhere with either of them.  We couldn’t get them to calm down.

I’m sure you couldn’t.  The Seforno explained that when someone is struggling with strong emotions they are not capable of receiving whatever help you may try to give them.  [Avos ibid. s.v. Rabi Shimon ben Elazar]   What you are trying to do is appropriate for you as a parent, and I certainly want you to sit down with each of these children and help them figure out how do better next time.   And that’s only going to be useful when you sit down with them at the right time, not while they’re still upset.

 

But what are we supposed to do in the meantime, just let them fight over the toy?

If you are concerned that someone might get seriously hurt, do whatever you need to do to prevent that from happening.  If you’re confident that they are safe, either leave them alone in a situation that is going poorly or intervene and risk making it worse.  You probably won’t make it better at that point in time.  Just walk away, Renee.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

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Author: Rochel

Today I mark in my calendar three years of mental health of personal growth and gratification. How did this come about? Love happiness and fulfillment is what fills me today. In the past this blog has allowed me to vent, to mourn to express emotions I didn't know I owned. Allowing me to heal through expressive writing through the knowledge that others were listening and perhaps identifying. Writing is a mystery for me. I allow my hands to type and my mind to connect and my heart to be open. What will come up today is where I am holding in my life.
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Author: Aviva Lauren Rizel, MA, LMFT

Dear Aviva,
 
I will not give out my age or my gender. I merely would like to put out there that I feel under-appreciated and unloved.
 
-Itty-Bitty
 
Dear Itty-Bitty,
 
Man, you make it tough for me, leaving out all the details! (Or perhaps, “Lady”?) But that’s ok, I will use this as an opportunity to stretch my advice columnist abilities to see if I can meet this challenge that you set for me, oh friendly foe of mine…
 
And that’s exactly what life should look like for you—a friendly foe. It should be a challenge to meet goals and you should be meeting many of them. You should not be looking at life’s difficulties as a sign to throw in the towel. When the going gets tough, work harder!
 
Just wanted to make sure that you are productive and functional in general, because if you are not, it is likely that you are not appreciating yourself and that you are not loving yourself, even though you make it sound to me that you are under-appreciated by someone else. If you don’t have the self-appreciation thing going for you, no matter what others do for you, no matter how much people try to appreciate you, you will feel under-appreciated.
 
It’s like if I have a violin. This violin is my self-concept. I am not always bowing it or plucking it to make it sing, but it is always there. If someone comes over to my violin with a humming pitch-fork, one of my strings will resonate and vibrate. When the pitch-fork leaves my earshot, I am still soothed from my resonating violin string.
 
But what if my violin strings snapped? Maybe they were worn away, or maybe they were wound too tight. What happens when someone comes close to me with a humming pitch-fork? My ears perk up—Music! I am savoring every single sine and cosine of those sound waves. I am tingly all over. And then, it starts to fade, and the pitch-fork has left my surrounds. And what am I left with? Silence. Dead silence. Silence that existed before, but that I was not aware of because I did not yet have the beautiful contrast of music. And it is quite a painful silence because now that I know what music is, I also know that I cannot make music—I don’t have strings.
 
Now the nimshal: The humming pitch fork is an outsider’s compliment or show of appreciation, or even an act of love. It makes an impact on you. When it is over, you either are able to hold on to it and add to it using your own high sense of self-worth. Or, if you have no strings and cannot reenact that elusive sound, you are down and out, looking for some noise to replace it.
 
So ask yourself, does your violin have strings? If it does, that’s awesome! But now we have to figure out more.
 
Are you expressing to those who undervalue you the disappointment you feel? This should ideally be done soon after you felt neglected. If I were to ask the people close to you, “Does Itty-Bitty feel like you love and appreciate Itty-Bitty?” Would they say “Totally!”? If so, then you have to start learning how to recognize signs of feeling the disappointment (resentment is a sign that you’ve been disappointed for a few minutes). Once you know that you were let down and how you were let down, you need to assert yourself in a non-aggressive, non-attacking manner. If you don’t feel safe to, try telling the people close to you, “I want to tell you how I feel, but I don’t feel safe telling you.” That let’s a lion’s claws retract and will at least help the person be aware that you are more fragile than he/she thinks.
 
Make it clear that you need the person to say or do x. Clarifying your needs boosts the likelihood of having them met.
 
Finally, if you feel like you are constantly trying to accommodate and please a particular person, but you objectively do not get positive feedback, you may be in an unhealthy relationship with the person. If you can never do anything right, you’re being played.
 
So play your own music.
 
-Aviva
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

דִּבְרֵי חֲכָמִים, בְּנַחַת נִשְׁמָעִים

 

The words of the wise are more likely to be heeded when spoken softly.  Koheles, 9:17

 

I explained this to Tikva and Doron. 

 

Tikva explained to me that the only time Doron listens to her is when she yells, and she knows that their children yell a lot because she does, but she doesn’t know how else to get her husband to pay attention to what she’s saying.

 

What do you think about that, Doron?

It’s true, I don’t realize that she’s talking to me until she yells and I turn around to see what’s going on and then I realize that she was trying to tell me something, or ask me something.   And she’s right.  The kids are starting to yell just like she does.   So we tell them not to yell, but they don’t listen.

You softly remind them not to yell?

Not always so softly.   I know it’s ludicrous for us to yell in front of our children, and sometimes at them, and then tell them, “We do not yell in this house!”  I know we’re not doing the right thing but we just don’t know what else to do.

 

At this point I realized that my teaching them the words of Shlomo HaMelech in Koheles was both unnecessary and unhelpful.  It was unnecessary because they already knew that speaking softly to their children and to each other was the appropriate thing to do.  It was unhelpful because they aren’t going to be able to do it any better now that they had heard it from me than they had been doing up until now.

 

What I had been doing up until now was speaking to them in broad concepts and generalities.  It was time to get specific.

 

Doron, you said that you don’t realize that Tikva is talking to you until she yells and you turn around to see what’s going on and then you realize that she was trying to tell you something, or ask you something.

Yes, that’s what tends to happen.

Tikva, what do you think about that?

Doron gets very absorbed in whatever he’s doing.   If I call to him in a normal voice, he really doesn’t seem to hear me.  I guess I sound annoyed when I yell to him because I wish he could be conscious of what’s going on around him so I wouldn’t have to yell.

She’s told me that before, Rabbi Ackerman.  And I just realized it’s the same kind of thing when we’re sleeping.  We’ll wake up in the morning and she’ll say, “That was some thunderstorm last night!”  And I’ll say, “What thunderstorm?  I didn’t hear anything.”   I am a very focused person, asleep and awake; it’s hard to distract me.  She’s just the opposite.  She’ll hear a child crying from the other end of the house even while she’s listening to two other kids trying to convince her that the other one is at fault for their latest fight.

So you, Doron, never yell at Tikva to get her attention because you don’t need to.   You, Tikva, yell at Doron because that’s how you get his attention.  And you both don’t like the children yelling, and you think they yell because you do.  Tell me, Tikva, how else could you possibly get Doron’s attention?

I’m not sure.  I can call his name in a normal voice ten times and he won’t respond.  He only responds when I yell.

I don’t hear you until you yell; I’m not deliberately ignoring you.

I wasn’t accusing you of ignoring me deliberately.  I still don’t know what else to do to get your attention.

 

I decided to give it one more try before I told them what I was seeing that they hadn’t yet seen.   Did you notice it?   Picture the room and the people in it.  Don’t just hear it in your mind, see it.

 

Let me say this again, Doron.  You said that you don’t realize that Tikva is talking to you until she yells and you turn around to see what’s going on and then you realize that she was trying to tell you something, or ask you something.  What do the two of you think about that?

 

They thought that Tikva needed to yell.  They agreed that her calling his name in a normal voice was not going to register; he’s too focused on whatever else he’s doing.   They would have to explain to their children why it’s okay for Tikva to yell to Doron, even though she sounds like she’s yelling at Doron, which she is because she finds his inability to notice her calling to him very frustrating.   And that it’s still not okay for the children to yell.

 

I thought differently.   I thought about Doron’s description of the situation, particularly the following words:  I turn around to see what’s going on and then I realize that she was trying to tell me something.

 

I didn’t say a word.   Doron and Tikva were looking at each other.   I stood up and walked toward them.   When I was about 2 feet from the sofa on which they were sitting, they both looked at me.   I silently nodded my head, turned around, and went back to my seat across the room.  Doron spoke.

 

Why did you do that, what did you mean by that, Rabbi Ackerman?

You were focused on Tikva, and I wanted to get your attention, Doron.  Apparently, I did.

 

Lo hamedrash ha’ikar, elah ha’maaseh.   Actions speak louder than words.  Gentle actions speak softly, and are more likely to be heeded.

 

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6

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Author: Shimon Frankel, MSW, LCSW

Brief Background: In 1946, a sober recovering alcoholic of Irish decent went back to Ireland to try to carry the message of his recovery using the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous to the many in that country who were still suffering from alcoholism and dying away. He approached hospitals, clergymen, and politicians for contacts of people he could help. The response he received was fascinating. The gentleman was informed by everyon …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

Many supermarkets now have a thick yellow painted line somewhere within or at the edge of their parking lots.  This particular line is not there to delineate a parking space or to provide any other type of guidance for automobiles or their drivers.   It is there to show you a boundary point.  There is a sign inside the store that says if you push your shopping cart past that thick yellow line in the parking lot the wheels of your cart will lock.

 

A few months ago, my car was parked on the street only about 10 feet past the parking lot.  I decided to try taking my shopping cart those few feet past the boundary line with every intention of returning it to the cart corral after loading my car.   I figured if worst came to worst and the wheels locked at the yellow line, I would carry my grocery bags from my car and then roll the cart back behind the line to the cart corral. 

 

I figured wrong.   The wheels seized as soon as I crossed the yellow line, but when I pulled the cart back behind the yellow line the wheels did not unlock.   Do you have any idea how heavy an empty shopping cart is when you have to drag it on its locked wheels to the cart corral?

 

Now imagine this.   Imagine a supermarket that arranges for its shopping carts to freeze at some point in the parking lot but they don’t mark a line or any other notification of where that point in the parking lot lies.   Instead, they equip each cart with a speaker; when the wheels seize, you hear, “you have passed the line so your cart wheels are now locked.”   You seek out the store manager and express your frustration, and the manager replies, “you should’ve known not to go that far.”  That’s hard to imagine, isn’t it.  

 

I wonder if you can imagine how often I speak with parents who inform me that their child did something too much, or too often, or too long, and when I ask them, “what is the correct amount you had wanted,” the parents say, “I don’t know exactly, but he should’ve known when it was too much.”

 

The supermarket provided a success strategy.   I don’t like the way they worded it but I can understand how expressing the success strategy the way I would want you to express it might be a bit clumsy for the supermarket.   The sign in the store says, “If you take the shopping cart beyond the yellow line the wheels will lock.”   That is a description of failure and might be deemed a threat.   I prefer to describe the behavior that will lead to success, but I don’t really expect the supermarket sign to read, “As long as you keep your shopping cart between the store and the yellow line the wheels will continue to turn.”

 

My concept of a “success strategy” is based on the wording of the phrase we say every Shabbos morning: sur mai ra va’asei tov.  Why not just say, sur mai ra, just stop doing something bad, and leave it at that?   Because we rarely leave it at that.  If we don’t find a replacement behavior, we’ll sooner or later repeat the behavior we had hoped to replace.   A success strategy is a replacement behavior, it’s a concrete awareness what you do want instead of what you don’t want.

 

In addition to preventing relapse into the behaviors you don’t want, a success strategy has another very important benefit: it gives you and your child the opportunity to celebrate success instead of bemoaning failure.

 

I was meeting with Mattis and Blima who had been unable to find a babysitter for their 3 year old daughter Peshi this particular week.  Peshi had been sitting quietly on the floor near the sofa playing with a doll for most of the session.  Then, she got up, picked up her doll, and walked towards me.  Her mother paused and watched Peshi as she came up to me and pushed her doll against my arm.

 

Don’t do that, Peshi, Blima softly chided.

 

Peshi drew the doll away from me, and stood looking at me.  Blima and Mattis resumed their conversation with me.  Peshi again pushed her doll against my arm.

 

Don’t do that, Peshi, Blima a little less softly chided.

 

Peshi again withdrew her doll, and stood looking at me.  Blima and Mattis resumed their conversation with me.   Peshi again pushed her doll against my arm.

 

Peshi! I said don’t do that!  Blima chided, not at all softly.

 

I spoke softly to Peshi.

Peshi, how tightly can you hug your doll?

 

Peshi clutched her doll to her chest.   Rather than telling her to stop pushing her doll against me, I had asked her to put her doll against herself.   Of course, as long as she was pushing her doll against herself, she was no longer pushing her doll against me.   I had given her a success strategy, and she was succeeding.

 

When a child succeeds at meeting an expectation, it is very important that you notice and acknowledge her success.

How often do you think I interrupted my conversation with Mattis and Blima to acknowledge Peshi’s success as she continued to hug her doll rather than pushing the doll against me?  I didn’t.

 

I did repeatedly acknowledge Peshi’s success.   I did not interrupt my conversation with Mattis and Blima.

 

Every ten or fifteen seconds, as Peshi continued to succeed at hugging her doll, I looked toward her, made eye contact, pretended to be clutching something against me, and smiled her.  She smiled back every time.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D.             Professor of history Stephanie Coontz has observed that “Over the past century, marriage has steadily become more fair, more fulfilling and more effective in fostering the well-being of both adults and children than ever before in history.” To a very large degree Professor Coontz and others attribute this marital growth and enhancemen …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

A person should strive to be as humble as Hillel…

 

It once happened that two men made a wager with each other, saying, “Whoever of us makes Hillel angry will win four hundred zuz.”  It was erev Shabbos, and Hillel was bathing.  The bettor went to the door of Hillel’s home and called out, ‘Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?”   Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, and said, “My son, what do you seek?”

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked: Why are the heads of the Babylonians round?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they have no skillful midwives.

 

The bettor departed, but returned a few minutes later and called out, Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?  Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, saying, My son, what do you seek?

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked: Why are the eyes of the Palmyreans bleared?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they live in sandy places.  

 

The bettor departed, but returned a few minutes later and called out, Is Hillel here, is Hillel here?

Hillel put on his robe and went out to him, saying, My son, what do you seek?

 

I have a question to ask.

 

Ask, my son, Hillel prompted.

 

He asked:  Why are the feet of the Africans wide?

Hillel replied: My son, you have asked a great question.  It is because they live in watery marshes.

 

I have many questions to ask, the bettor said, but I fear that you may become angry.

 

Hillel put on his robe, sat before him, and said: Ask all the questions you would like to ask.

The bettor said, Are you the Hillel who is called the Nasi of Israel?

 

Yes, Hillel replied.

 

If so, may there not be many like you in Israel.

 

Why, my son?  Hillel asked.

 

Because I have lost four hundred zuz through you, the bettor complained.

 

“Be careful with your spirit,” Hillel replied. “Hillel is worth it that you should lose four hundred zuz and yet another four hundred zuz through him, yet Hillel shall not lose his temper.” (Shabbos 30b-31a)

 

Here are two questions about this fascinating passage:

 

Hillel repeatedly called him “my son.”   He was not Hillel’s son.  Why did Hillel begin the words “my son” every time he answered his questions?

Hillel had been bathing.  Obviously, he clothed himself before opening his door.  Why does the gemara tell us, each time, that Hillel put on his robe?

 

The Ben Ish Chai answers the first question.  In Ben Yehoyada on this gemara, he writes that Hillel reminded himself of a hashkafa and a halacha each time the boy spoke to him impertinently.  The hashkafa is to be gentle with someone who behaved inappropriately.  By calling him “my son,” Hillel was showing affection.  The halacha is that an Av may be mochel on his kovod, not insist on the honor due him.

 

I would like to suggest an answer to the second question:  what is the significance of the robe?

 

The Mishna in Avos lists the qualities of someone who learns Torah lishma.  One of them is Malbashto anava  - he is robed in humility.  Perhaps Hillel reminded himself that humility is the prerequisite to responding gently and listening respectfully to someone who didn’t properly respect you.  Humility allows you to concentrate on helping him improve, instead of focusing on how he mistreated you.  Humility allows you to think about how to help a child who didn’t do well, rather than ignoring bad behavior or attacking it.

 

If you ignore inappropriate behavior because you’re too angry, resentful, and frustrated, you’re doing the best you can when you say, “That was unacceptable.  IYH we’ll discuss it later,” and you walk away.  When you can do better, go back and sit down with your child, and talk over what happened, and what you would like her to do instead the next time.

 

Hillel, whom the gemara describes as the paradigm of humility, also said Im ani kaan, hakol kaan  (Succah 53a)  Rav Nisan Alpert, z’tl, taught us that the words mean, “when I’m here, all of me is here,” you have my undivided attention.

 

That means that sometimes you sit down with your child, and you give her your undivided attention.  You choose a place and the time when there will not be external distractions such as other children or your cell phone.  (You’ve silenced it and if it vibrates, you will NOT look to see who is on the caller ID.) 

 

Now comes the hard part: you carefully monitor internal distractions.  If you begin to think about what you need to convince her of or get her to do, or start to feel impatient or frustrated, tell her that you’d like to change the conversation over to some of your concerns; or postpone the conversation until another time.

 

When you attack bad behavior, with harsh words and recriminations, you may be “shutting her down.”  Your child may become reluctant to engage you in conversation next time.  That’s the opposite of what hinuch is about.

 

The names of many of our schools begin with the word Bais.  But the first bais is not the one your child attends.  It’s the one you help him become so that his school will be effective.

 

Hinuch is about creating a bais kibul, helping your child become receptive to the middos and the maasim you value and hope to impart to him.  Hillel modeled the middos and the maasim that make that happen.

 

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

It was very nice of Malka to express to her 6 year old son that she regretted having spoken to him harshly.  So I was a little bit puzzled when she asked me what I thought about that.

I think it was very nice of you to tell Laibel that you felt bad about how you had spoken to him.  What is it that you’re concerned about, Malka?

I’m just not sure how he took what I said to him because he had kind of a funny look on his face.

Malka, what exactly did you say to him?

I said, “Laibel, I’m sorry I yelled at you when you spilled your juice.  Yelling is not a good thing to do, and I’m sorry I yelled at you.  Are you mochel me?”

And then what happened, Malka?

Laibel said, “yes, mommy.”  But he had this look on his face… I don’t know if he was confused or unhappy or… I can’t really put my finger on it but somehow he didn’t look like everything was okay.  What was I supposed to do then?

What did you do then, Malka?

I didn’t do anything then, I just said, “okay.”  That was the end of it.

It sounds like that was the end of it but it isn’t over because you’re still not comfortable with the whole situation as it turned out.  First let me tell you that I admire your humility to apologize to your child when you’ve done something inappropriate.  I think that’s a beautiful modeling of a wonderful midda.  Secondly, you have a sensitivity toward your child which is truly a gift.  That’s how you arrived at the point where we are now, the point at which you have expressed your regret and you’re concerned about your child’s reaction.  The next step for us is to think about what your son might be reacting to.

 

What do you, dear reader, imagine that Laibel was reacting to?  Do you think he was caught off guard by his mother’s apology?  I would hope that no child ever be caught off guard by a parent expressing regret for having said something inappropriate.  It does not come as a surprise to children that their parents are fallible.  It should not come as a surprise to a child when a parent says, “I’m sorry.”  Knowing Malka’s relationship with her children as well as I do, I knew that Laibel’s reaction was not about being caught off guard by his mother’s apology.

Laibel was struggling with something else.  Here again, are his mother’s words:

“Laibel, I’m sorry I yelled at you when you spilled your juice.  Yelling is not a good thing to do, and I’m sorry I yelled at you.  Are you mochel me?”

 

Remember, Laibel is 6 years old.  What do you think might have been hard for him as you look again at the words he heard his mother say?

 

His mother’s statement of apology was not hard for him.  What was hard for him was the question she asked him at the end.  Here’s some information that you probably already know, and he probably does not.

 

You can forgive or you can pardon.  What’s the difference between them and when does each one apply?

 

In the Shemonah Esrai, we say “s’lach lanu, forgive us, our Father, m’chal lanu, pardon us, our King.”

 

A father will forgive a child because he knows and understands the child.  To forgive means to understand how the child made this mistake and feel compassion towards the child who didn’t do well.  The father does not resent the child or bear ill feelings towards him.  That’s what “forgive” means, in contrast to “pardon.”

 

A king may pardon, which means not punish, someone who did something wrong.  A king feels resentment, perhaps even anger, but sometimes doesn’t punish the offender. 

 

Where does all this leave six-year-old Laibel?  He remembers the time when his mother tripped and nearly fell over the toy she had asked him to put away half an hour earlier. When he said he was sorry, she kissed him and said “I know you didn’t mean for me to get hurt,” and she didn’t seem to feel bad about it anymore.  But now, his mother had asked him to be mochel and he said he was mochel but he still feels bad about how she had yelled at him, so maybe now he didn’t really tell the truth when he said he was mochel.

 

Yes, I can see how that might be why Laibel looked perturbed.  What do you think I should tell him now?

 

Nothing.  I’d rather you ask him what it means to be mochel someone.  What it means to him.  If he does not understand it the way you meant it, then you get to explain to him how you meant it and see what he thinks then.  I suspect that he’ll be a lot less perturbed when he finds out you didn’t expect him to forget that it ever happened.  That is not realistic to expect of a six-year-old who was frightened when you yelled at him.  What he can do is hear that you feel bad that you scared him, and you hope that he will better soon.

 

Thanks to your compassion, he probably will.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

 

I recently had the honor of chairing a session about parenting at the Agudah Convention.   One of the points that was made is the importance of dovening for the well-being of our children. 

 

How important?  According to Rav Shlomo Wolbe, z’tl, “Dovening for our children is so important that it is possible that tefillah is the most important aspect of chinuch.“  (Rigshei Lev, Rav Menachem Nissel, p. 214)

 

The Mishna Berurah (Siman 47, sif katan 10) identifies three places in shacharis where parents should have intense kavanah that their children should be Torah scholars and tzaddikim and have exemplary middos:

a)   In Birkos HaTorah when saying the words “V’niheyeh anachnu v’tze’etza’einu…  - May we and our offspring…”

b)   In Ahavah Rabbah.

c)   In Uva L’Tzion when saying the words “Lema’an lo niga larik v’lo neled labehalah – So that we do not struggle [in raising children] in vain nor produce for futility.”   (ibid. p. 212)

 

What’s missing here?   There’s no mention of the Shemonah Esrai.   We express 13 different requests, and never ask for help in raising our children.  Why not?

 

Truthfully, I didn’t think of that question on my own.  It was asked by the Belzer Rav zt’l.  His answer is recorded in footnote number 3 at the bottom of page 212 in Rav Nissel’s book Rigshei Lev.

 

He explains that Chazal included the parents’ tefilah for their children in the Modim prayer.

 â€œThe expression of the tefilah [in many siddurim] is:

magen yishainu atah hu l’dor va’dor, nodeh l’cha un’sapair t’hilasecha.

But you should be careful to place the comma before the words l’dor va’dor as follows:

          magen yishainu atah hu, l’dor va’dor nodeh l’cha un’sapair t’hilasecha

This is the tefilah that we have children and children’s children who thank Hashem and tell Hashem’s praise.”

 

I have not conducted an exhaustive search of contemporary siddurim, but I can tell you that the Siddur Vilna does have the syntax that the Belzer Rav recommends.  Interestingly, so does a not-so-contemporary Siddur: the Shiloh Siddur is punctuated that way in the weekday shacharis (page 73 of the 1932 Nusach Ashkenaz 4^th edition).

 

Those are some suggestions that may enhance how we doven for our children.   How do we enhance our children’s dovening?

 

Here are excerpts from an article I wrote a year ago that addressed that.

 

Please write down 13 things that you think we ask for from Hashem when we doven.

 

The first time I gave that assignment was in 1974.  The 12 year olds in my class impressed me with some very thoughtful and compassionate requests.  We then opened our siddurim, and I showed them the 13 requests we make in the weekday Shemonah Esrai.  We spent a lot of time analyzing their lists and discovering that they had intuited much of what the anshei kneses ha’gedaloh had put into words for us.  What a wonderful success for those children!  They were able to see how closely their wishes and hopes aligned with those of some of the wisest sages of all time.  Now it wasn’t hard for them to express their own thoughts through the words of the prayers, and dovening was a pleasant part of their day.

 

Another time I gave that assignment was in the mid-1980s.  My class comprised a group of women, members of my shul.  They too suggested poignant and heartfelt concerns to express to Hashem.  When they opened their siddurim they discovered how closely their concerns matched those of the Men of the Great Assembly who composed that prayer so many years ago.

 

Both times, I continued the discussion by asking them which of the 13 requests in the Shemonah Esrai they had not included in their list.  That resulted in some very interesting conversations about how to make a request you hadn’t thought of, relevant to you.  Most of the time, we were able to figure out some way that every request could be relevant to each of us.  When the answer was, “it’s not relevant to me,” the next question I asked was, “why do you imagine all of these requests are in the plural rather than the singular form?”  I was not surprised at how quickly the women in my class realized that in addition to the deeply personal concerns we express in our dovening, we also pray for the well-being of others.  I must admit that I was surprised, and very impressed, by how quickly the children in my class grasped this idea and embraced it.  Those 12 year olds began to think of friends, family members, and people whom they didn’t personally know, for whom they could pray with various of the paragraphs of the Shemonah Esrai. 

A child asked me:

 

What if I can’t think of anybody who needs what a certain paragraph is asking for? Could I just ask Hashem to take my tefilah and use it to help somebody that Hashem knows about?

 

Children are often sensitive, compassionate, and generous when given the opportunity. 

 

As adults, we have opportunities to express our sensitivity, compassion, and generosity by giving of our time to those closest to us, our children.

 

The Malbim (on Psalm 90:17) wrote that we can be a source of pleasure to Hashem.  I think our prayers, especially when we say them carefully and thoughtfully, are a source of nachas to Hashem.

 

Sometimes it’s hard to give Hashem nachas.  Think about that the next time it seems hard for your child to give nachas to you.

 

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting.  He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women.  He can be reached at 718-344-6575.

 

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By Lisa Twerski, LCSW   Differentiating Between Dysfunction, Disorders and Domestic Abuse It can be very confusing to people who feel abused in their marriage, to try and determine if the cause is a dysfunctional relationship that may have some abusive features, a spouse with a mental illness or domestic abuse. In fact, some of the abusive ways one may be treated by their spouse, may be similar in each of these situations. What determines w …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

  The magazine, Continental Monthly asked its readers “Do any of you who may be our readers know half a dozen happy families in your circle of friends?” Similarly, the Boston Quarterly wrote “The family in its old sense is disappearing from our land and… the very existence of our society is endangered.” These pieces sound like very contemporary concerns but these articles were written …
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Author: Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC Does your child have an overactive amygdala? Is there any way to know? Is it your fault? Can you fix it? Yes, there is a way to know. If he does, it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it. What you can do is help your child learn how to manage it. The amygdala is a small, almond shaped mass of nuclei located in the temporal lobes of the brain near the hippocampus. It can trigger the so-called flight-or-flight response, which prepares the body to either fight or flee a threat. This acute stress response can be triggered by both real and imaginary threats. If the amygdala is too excitable, you react with fear to things that others wouldn’t find all that scary. Some would find those same things pleasant! Harvard psychologist Jerome Kagan has studied children to determine which ones have a relatively calm amygdala and which ones have an overly reactive one. He shows a 4 month old baby a toy he’s never seen before. After twenty seconds he shows him another one, twenty seconds later another one, and then another. Some of them find it pleasant, but some “hate it, crying so hard they shake in protest.” (Daniel Goleman, Social Intelligence, page 147) When one 4 month old reacts to a situation with glee and another reacts to the same situation with terror, it isn’t their parents’ fault. Infants are born with different neurotransmitter patterns. Those patterns excite each infants’ amygdala to a different degree, and you see a very different response to the same stimulus. So yes, you can tell, and it’s not your fault, and you can’t fix it. So why discuss it all? And what is any of this doing in a book called “Social Intelligence.” According to Professor Kagan, the infants who are discomforted by the changing toys grow into the toddlers who are wary of new people and places, and the school children who are shy. In other words, if your child is shy, it’s not your fault. He was born that way. He will find it harder to be gregarious than someone who wasn’t born that way. Your role is to help him when it’s hard. Helping him doesn’t mean that you tell him it’s not hard, or that it shouldn’t be. Here’s a conversation I had with a mom who wanted her son to make friends with some boys in his class. Why can’t I get him to realize that there’s nothing for him to be afraid of. They’re just children like him. They’d like to be his friends but he’s so awkward, he comes across as aloof. He appears awkward because he is nervous. He stands apart from them to avoid risking rejection, and they think he is rejecting them. But if he would walk over to them and be natural, they’d be fine with him; they’re nice boys. Can you ride a bike? Sure. Why? When you bought your son his first bike, did you assume he would be able to ride it as naturally as you can? No, I got him training wheels. He still managed to fall down a few times, and then a few times more when I took the trainings wheels off. When he fell off, he eagerly climbed back on? Oh no. He wanted to quit. He said he didn’t care if he never learned how to ride. But I told him he’d get hurt less often if he kept trying, and then he’d enjoy it. That it was worth the bruises. Right. You didn’t tell him that it didn’t hurt, that there was nothing to be afraid of. You told him to brave the fear and tolerate the discomfort, and you soothed and encouraged him when he did get hurt. Gradually, he gained his balance, and now he enjoys riding his bike. So it’s okay for him to be afraid to try to make friends? Yes, just as okay as it is to be afraid of falling when you try to ride a bike. What’s not okay is to let your fear stop you from learning something or doing something that’s scary. With practice, it becomes less scary, and maybe, after a long time, it isn’t scary anymore at all. The fight or flight response is sometimes appropriate. Some things that are scary should be avoided. Other fears can be overcome. Not fixed; managed. The Rambam wrote that to overcome a bad trait you have to go the opposite extreme. A miser needs to become profligate, not just generous, for awhile. Why is that? Because it is not enough to expand your comfort zone. You have to move out of your comfort zone into a place that is truly uncomfortable for you, and learn how to tolerate that discomfort. The novice bike rider falls down, but over time he creates and stabilizes neural networks in his brain that enable the coordinated physical movements that come with repeated efforts, and setbacks. Eventually he stays upright. If he cannot tolerate falling down, he’ll never get to enjoy riding. So what should I say to him when he says he’s afraid to walk over to the boys and try to join their conversation? Ask him what he thinks will happen when he does what he’s afraid to do. What if he says he’s afraid he’ll say the wrong thing and they’ll laugh at him? Ask him what he wants to say to them. Role play with him, and see if he can come up with something to say that he thinks they won’t laugh at. But he’s still going to be afraid that they might laugh at him. How can I convince him that they won’t? Convince him that they won’t? How can you predict that? Maybe they’re going to laugh at him no matter what he says? Right, that why he’s scared. I understand that. So ask him what he intends to say or do if they laugh at him, because you agree with him that they might. What do you do when you try to be nice to someone and they laugh at you? You can ask them what’s so funny, or you can decide that maybe this person isn’t your best choice for a friend and look elsewhere. You get knocked down, and it hurts. You feel bad, get up, dust yourself off, and try someone else. Your world doesn’t come to an end. Help your child learn to overcome his fear of being hurt and disappointed. Not because it won’t happen; you can’t promise him that. What you can promise him is that when it does, it won’t be the end of world. Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
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Author: Linda Franco, LMSW

Her child wasn’t disturbed, nor was he aggressive or sensory ( lacking social boundaries). J was bright. Really bright. Sometimes higher iq’s come with some behavior issues. He was getting bored in class and needed more stimulation. Period. When this eval took place, J was 2.

Mom took him out and put him in a different environment with a loving teacher. The teacher took the reports, took one look at J- and dumped the reports in the garbage.

If you looked at past recommendations of J’s teachers. They said he was disturbed, aggressive, sensory and knew no boundaries. The mom took this with a grain of salt. Then she took him for his own independent evaluation to find out further information in terms of school placement.

“Let’s give him a chance to adjust.”

2 years later, J is thriving, aware of social boundaries and has little behavior issues. Mom has relaxed and has learned to be focused and set limits. The teacher stated that she never judged anyone who walked into her classroom. She gives everyone a chance. Through that lens- the power of believing in the strengths of the children, the teacher has done some phenomenal work.

Whew. What can be learned?

The power of belief can transform anyone. This can be applied to anyone who walks in the office door.  When our clients walk in the door, we have to believe in them. Maybe we’re the only ones that do believe in them. It’s a powerful message that always comes through.

So, what about the clients that seem hopeless? The ones we feel we made little progress with? There was little one could do for M. A holocaust survivor with severe Alzheimers. I used to simply stroke her arm and use reflective listening as she cried about the Nazis coming to get her for stealing a piece of bread. Her living room was the prison where she was taken to. When she was hospitalized for the last time, and I knew she was dying, it was hard. However, I also felt no one could take away the few seconds of piece she must have felt while I saw her.

Our beliefs in clients may be the only belief they have. Our belief in our own abilities is important as well. Noone can take away the time ( even one session) and the belief we have in our clients. And, if the client doesn’t come back- that belief may encourage the client to pursue treatment again.

Powerful stuff. Our belief in ourselves, and our clients can transform lives.

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Author: Linda Franco, LMSW

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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D. It seems that over and over again we learn that to a great degree there is “nothing new under the sun.” In Pirkei Avot, referring to Hillel it says (I; 14) “He used to say: If I am not for myself, who will be for me? And if I am for myself, what am I? This statement is in large measure what research has shown to be the first step toward helping marital partners grow closer to one another. Dr …
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Chana Mark, L.C.S.W. Somehow, we are failing in our roles as parents. How? What went wrong? The children are unmannered and undisciplined. They are unhappy and discontent despite our endless efforts to please them. The happier we try to make them, the more rude and demanding they become. They are miserable and we are miserable. We are the adults; it is up to us to fix it. Many believe that it is the role of a parent to make his child happy. Let u …
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Depression affects over 14 million American adults every year. Depression can be a debilitating disorder that interferes with an individual’s thoughts, mood, behavior and physical health. The effects of this illness can ruin relationships, cause problems at work, make it difficult to overcome serious illnesses, and even result in suicide. While the exact cause of depression is not known, the leading scientific theory is that it is caused by …
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By Moishe Herskowitz, M.S., LCSW Disillusionment is a common factor for most married couples. Soon after the wedding, people often come to the conclusion that the person they married is not the same person they thought they were while they were dating. The unconscious mind will always mistake our partners by comparing them to our parents. By understanding this, we can get beneath the surface and heal childhood wounds. What is this Disillusionment …
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By Evan Kroll, Ph.D. The teenage years are no picnic for both the teenager and the parents. Parents of young children yearn for these days, which they assume will be carefree childrearing, but are rudely introduced to a challenging parental time. Teenagers assume they are halfway onto adulthood and expect adolescents to be time of freedom but soon find it instead to be a time filled with of a lot of demands and responsibility. Teenagers are bomba …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Michael J. Salamon, Ph.D. We have recently been bombarded with a spate of articles on what is being called the “Half Shabbos” situation, where people, mostly teens and people in their early 20’s, are said to keep all the laws of Shabbos and kashrus but cannot seem to go without their iPhones or Blackberries or hand held computers for the 25 hours of Shabbos. So on Shabbos they surreptitiously text and Tweet and read …
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Congregants increasingly seek out the counsel of their rabbis during the holidays. It is a time when many people feel genuinely inspired to make a special effort to be extra observant. It is also a time when people with obsessive - compulsive disorder (OCD) are most likely to knock on the rabbi's door. How rabbis respond can make all the difference in whether religious OCD sufferers seek professional help - in some cases, it can be a difference b …
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Every person is a unique world unto themselves, and communication is the bridge we lay down that connects our world to that of another. Positive communication leads to secure and close connections.Communication requires a sender, a message and an intended recipient. When the message I am attempting to convey is received the way I intended it to be, that is positive communication. Easy or hard? Most people with experience being in relationships co …
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Author: Bernie Kastner, PhD

By:  Bernie Kastner, PhD, MPH   While a good formal education can provide us with the basic knowledge that we need in the areas of math, language, science, history, and the like, there are other areas of life in which  we do not get enough basic training in school are: anger management, boundary issues, negotiating skills, and what to say or not to say when someone is grieving.  There are books that have been w …
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Author: Shoshana Averbach, social worker, music therapist, healer

Using Illness as a Healing Experience by Shoshana Averbach, LMSW, MA, MT-BC, LCAT Accredited Healer Note: This article, in part, was origninally published in L’Chaim (February 2000), a publication of the Jewish Association of Spiritual Healers. I have been blessed with good health, and there have also been times when I was recovering either from an injury or a short-term illness. Those times of recovery were actually a gift of another kind aside from the gift of being restored to health. At times, it seems as if G-d were giving us a slap on the face with a nisayon (a test); however, when we recognize that G-d is also stroking us twice as much on the other cheek (the nechama or comfort), we can see the hidden good and gifts in our experience. In each of the 3 instances listed below, my recovery was a process of healing on all levels (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). Recovering from broken clavicles (collar bones) Miraculously, I not only survived a very serious car accident but also with few injuries. During my 3-month recovery, I contemplated the following questions: What else was broken in my life? Just as I woke up from unconsciousness to consciousness from the accident, what else was G-d trying to wake me up from that I was unconscious of in my own life? The clavicles provide support: What was or wasn’t being supported in my life? The significant changes I made included: 1) evaluating a relationship and terminating it (and not having regretted ever since); 2) recognizing my parents’ love for me since they literally dropped everything and traveled long distance to be with me; 3) reaching out for support from friends and relatives and feeling confident that I would receive it. Recovering from bronchitis My ten-day moratorium from work and interacting with people became redefined as working in the internal and spiritual world. Even with a basic knowledge of shiatsu, I knew that lung issues related to emotions of grief and joy. I meticulously examined those issues and discovered that they appropriately matched my body’s way of cleansing after the end of a relationship (the grief) and the realization that I lacked joy in my life. During my recovery, I made amends with the other person and also, with my rabbi’s guidance, made significant changes in my religious observance which allowed me to feel more joyful. Two years have passed since I made those changes, and I feel much more joyful in my observance and in living! Recovering from a toe injury “Coincidentally,” the day after moving to my new apartment, I injured my toe, and was out from work for six months. My toe symbolized a korban (a sacrifice), for despite the pain, G-d definitely blessed me with a precious gift of time. I got settled into my new home and my new neighbors helped me unpack. I had time to consciously experience all of the awesome adjustments my mind and body were going through as a result of the move. My body and mind reveled in the healing environment that I had created (my home) rather than spending 1/3 of my day at an unfulfilling job. Oddly enough, although I could have spent my time in recreational activities, the only activity with which I resonated was meditating! From that insight, I learned that G-d had redefined my work as spelunking in the internal world. So, I became somewhat of a recluse and hibernated in my new cave. When I reached a point of boredom in my meditation, I learned to go deeper into the void and create a new threshold. The efficacy of all those months of meditating and learning to STOP and breathe and rush a little slower showed when people remarked that I was glowing! What did I learn during those six months? I developed even greater inner strength, inner peace, and deepened my spiritual relationship. Those irreplaceable gifts enabled me to have more fulfilling relationships and walk with greater placidity in my being-ness as Shoshana. I sensed that when this phase of my life would be complete, those internal shifts would result in attracting new and better job opportunities and people who resonate with the new frequency I would be transmitting. I had already seen positive results: That relationship that I was grieving has actually been rekindled recently and on a much different level. Additionally, I changed how I perceived my milieu. I reached a point at which I was ready for a short-term endeavor, and took classes in computer graphics. I was training my mind to think differently and my eyes to see the world more artistically--details, shapes, colors, lines--as well as to experience the joyful feeling of becoming more adept at using the computer.Yes, I could have been earning more money by working during the last six months; however, I would not have traded it for the greater inner peace and strength I feel which will outlast what I lost in salary. Moreover, the day before I was faced with having to return to that unfulfilling job, a better job came through--and I was ready to receive that blessing! I have come to understand that my experiences have deeper, spiritual meanings and present opportunities for growth and transformation. As with my clients, I try to focus on strength and empowerment rather than victimization. I ask them and myself: “How did this situation challenge me to grow? Which middot (character traits) did I develop or strengthen in meeting the challenge?” When blessed with insightful answers, the discomfort is often easier to bear, and I and/or the client have reached a new level of personhood. I also pray to learn those lessons from love rather than from illness or suffering! May all of us stay in optimal health and guide our clients to that state as well.
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Many in the frum community believe that we have done much in recent years to help teenagers at-risk. My experience and research have shown that we have not accomplished nearly enough. In fact, I believe that we have not even begun to address this very serious problem properly. Current research demonstrates that alcohol and substance abuse in the general teen population has declined during the past several years. In all segments of the frum commun …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

We may not want to accept it, but abuse occurs everywhere, even in our own communities. The effects of abuse are devastating and long lasting - not only on those individuals who are abused but on their families as well. Even one act of abuse against a person, regardless of age, can have a significantly negative impact that may last a lifetime. The impact is often much worse when the abuse occurs to a child. People, especially children, who are ab …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

The New York Times got it right. In an editorial published on Thursday May 19, the Times castigated the Vatican for issuing "flimsy guidelines" for combating the sexual abuse of children by the clerical hierarchy. According to the Times, the Vatican "issued nonbinding guidance," giving authority to local bishops which in effect bypasses the need to report the criminal offense of sexual abuse, or for that matter any abuse performed by an official …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

Did you hear the speech President Obama delivered in Cairo week before last? I don't mean just the words but the sound, the tone, the delivery - the way he actually articulated his sentences, the cadences, the pauses and the breaks for applause. I did. But I did not hear it quite the way so many pundits did. There is no question the president is a great orator. He has the ability to use words to gain attention and focus concentration on important …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

I am a child of the '60s. I learned to play guitar to music from the Rabbis' Sons, Shlomo Carlebach and Lennon and McCartney. When we had a kumsitz at our youth functions we would intersperse Simon and Garfunkel music with songs from the Six-Day War. In 1970 I accompanied Rabbi Carlebach when he played an impromptu concert at Zion Square in Jerusalem. I also played in a professional simcha band for many years. We often performed on a float in New …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

My Feb. 22 Jewish Press op-ed article "Losing Rational Orthodoxy" seems to have struck a nerve. Much of the feedback was positive, some was negative, and even more was intensely ambivalent. One reader accused me of misunderstanding Judaism. Another wrote that I had finally brought up the issues that had been plaguing him for so long but that he had been unable to articulate. Yet another commented to me that I simply did not understand Orthodox pr …
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Author: Michael Salamon, Psychologist

There is a growing crisis in the international Jewish community that I believe must be acknowledged if we are to survive intact and preserve our children's future. The crisis is related to, but goes well beyond, the fact that we are in general too indulgent and tolerant as parents; it goes beyond the fact that we have acquired a level of wealth and comfort that we take too much for granted - even if we are not all wealthy nor all that comfortable …
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By Lena Shore "Tell me again, what are we doing here?" Her blue eyes pierce mine. She moves forward on the couch in a semi-crouch. I check the clock. 4:01 pm. Our session has just begun and I am already feeling drained, wishing I had taken that break I promised myself between sessions. She waits for an answer and I take a deep breath. "What is it that you would like to accomplish today? I ask her. "I don't know. We just keep going in circles and …
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