Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
How do you help your children when they're struggling with sibling rivalry?
Recently, I've spoken to three different women's groups who wanted help with sibling rivalry. Each group began with the same question: Why can't my children get along?
I explained that sibling rivalry is common and probably unpreventable. I wanted to reassure them that they were not to blame for the bickering, yelling, fighting, and other manifestations of sibling rivalry they were seeing in their homes. Apparently that message was well received. There were no more questions about "why is this happening" and "how can I prevent it." The new question was, "How do I deal with it when it happens?"
My four-year old teases his older brother and sister when they are trying to do their homework, or sitting and reading a book. They are really very good about it. They never hit him or push him. They tell him to go away. Sometimes their voices get a little bit loud, but that's just because he doesn't listen to them. Sometimes they come over to me and ask me to make him stop. I don't know how to make him stop! I mean I can take him out of their room, and explain to him that he has to leave them alone because they're reading or doing their homework, and I can put him in time out and he'll stay there for three or four minutes, but it won't be long until he's right back there again teasing and distracting them. How am I supposed to deal with him?
What would you rather your four-year-old do while his brother and sister are busy reading and doing homework?
I don't know.
I suspect he doesn't know either. I'm not sure he is teasing and distracting them because he wants to be a malicious.
No, he's not a malicious child at all; he's very sweet most of the time.
Could it be that he doesn't have any homework, and he doesn't know how to read, and he is bored, and teasing his siblings is not about distracting them from what they're doing, it's about relieving his boredom? I don't know about you, but I am one of the many people for whom boredom is extremely unpleasant. Maybe it's really hard for your four-year-old also. It's also possible that your four-year-old is experiencing sibling rivalry over the fact that his older sister can read and his older brother has homework to do, and he does not. I'm sure it won't take long, and he won't be jealous of somebody else's homework once he has plenty of his own, but in the meantime it's something his big siblings get to do and he is left out. Helping him find something to do so that he feels useful will be more effective than telling him to leave his older brother and sister alone.
Next question:
How do you teach children Shalom strategies when things are calm?
I would suggest you begin by acknowledging and celebrating your child's being calm. Say his name, make eye contact with him, and say to him, "you are (reading, writing, playing, getting along, etc.) so nicely; you're such a good boy!"
Then, before you teach him anything, find out what he's already learned.
What do you mean? What makes you think he's learned anything? Ten minutes earlier he and his sister were screaming at each other, and sooner or later they will be again, so what did he learn?
Apparently, he learned how to temporarily disengage from a screaming session with his sister. I would like you to help him figure out what Sholom strategy he used so that he can use it again; use it again to disengage from the next screaming session a little more quickly, and to stay disengaged longer. I hope that someday he and his sister will no longer have screaming sessions. Many siblings eventually outgrow that kind of thing and become friends. Try to trust that and be patient.
Follow-up question:
Maybe it's okay to be patient when they're screaming at each other, but what about when they're hitting, I should just stand there patiently and hope they'll stop soon?
No, you have to intervene verbally or physically, if necessary, to stop the fight.
Q: What about this situation, Rabbi Ackerman. This morning, my four year old hit my seven-year-old. My seven-year-old came over to me and said, "Mommy, he hit me, I want you to hit him." Isn't he right? He didn't hit his brother back; he came to me like I've told him to. What do you think I should do, isn't it appropriate that I hit the four-year-old to punish him for hitting his brother?
A: First of all, what did you do?
I didn't get a chance to do anything, because the school bus came right then, but as soon as they get home from school I'm sure my older son is going to ask me again, he is going to want to me to hit his brother for hitting him. Doesn't that make sense?
It makes sense if you are a Sadducee. They thought that "an eye for an eye" was to be taken literally. Chazal taught us that that's not true, that actually the Torah is alluding to tashlumen, compensation for harm done. The Torah Temima suggests that physically harming a perpetrator accomplishes nothing for the victim, whereas compensation exacts a penalty from the culprit and provides benefit to the one whom he harmed.
At this point, we ran out of time at the group, and we've run out of space for this article. G-d willing, we'll continue with this topic next time.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
How do you teach children shalom strategies when things are calm?
Do you believe in timeout? And if yes, how would you do it?
When does your child have the opportunity to learn how to regain shalom with her siblings? When does she get to reflect on how the shalom was lost to begin with? What is your expectation for her? Do you want her to develop a shalom strategy that will ensure unbroken tranquility with her siblings? Having never met her or any of her siblings, I can confidently tell you that unbroken tranquility is an excellent example of an unrealistic expectation.
But why can't she and her brother get along?
Are you sure that they never get along?
Okay, yes, sometimes they play together very nicely, and sometimes they just leave each other alone which is fine with me. But all of a sudden, pandemonium breaks out and I can't prevent it because I can't tell when it's going to happen.
And when it happens, what do you do?
I send the two of them into timeout.
You send the two of them into timeout together?
No, I send her to her room and I send him to his room.
When you send each of them into their respective rooms, what would you like them to be doing there?
I'd like them to be away from each other until they figure out how to get along with each other.
So you imagine that when you send them to their rooms, they are sitting there thinking about how to get along with each other better. I would like to give you some homework about that, what you think?
Okay, I'm willing to give it a try. What would you like me to do?
I would like you to sit down with Mendy and with Mindy, separately, after they've finished their next timeouts, the timeouts they got because they were at each other again. Ask each of them what they were thinking about while they were in timeout. No matter what they say, I want you to say, "okay I was just curious, thank you," and walk away. What do you think about doing that?
Yes, I'm willing to do it. But what if I don't like what they say?
For the time being, I just want you to find out what they've been thinking about during timeout. If you don't like it, we'll help them do better gradually. I would like to do this one step at a time.
Mom did it, and a week later told me that both Mendy and Mindy had told her pretty much the same thing.
During their timeout, each of them was planning how to get back at the other one for getting them in trouble. Not much of a shalom strategy. Not that anything came of it, they didn't do anything to get back at each other, at least not that I was aware of. But it doesn't look like they accomplished anything either. So, timeout is not a good idea?
Timeout is not an idea. Timeout is an opportunity. It takes a child out of a situation in which she is not doing well, and gives her the opportunity to figure out what went wrong, how to get things right again, and maybe even how to prevent what went wrong from happening again. Your role is to help her make the most of that opportunity, because many children don't know how on their own.
The next time pandemonium breaks out between Mendy and Mindy, I'd like you to say, "This situation is not going well. I would like each of you to go to your room and sit quietly until you're not so angry anymore. Then I would like you to try to figure out what happened that you didn't like that got you so angry. Then, think about what you could say or do the next time that happens, instead of what you did last time."
I'm sure that if I were to say that to them they would both turn to me and immediately say that they don't know what else to do.
Yes, I suspect they probably would, and the key word here is "immediately." So I would want you to say to them, "I know you don't know what else to do right this second. That's why I want to go to your rooms, sit quietly for a while, and then see what you can come up with. If either of you still can't come up with anything, please come to me and ask me to help you."
All right. So now it's 10 minutes later, and the two of them come over to me and say, "we don't know what else to do." What should I tell them then?
I would try not to be so pessimistic. I have found that children often come up with very good ideas when they're given the time to think quietly, especially when you give them some gentle guidance about what to think about.
Many of us spend our timeouts feeling bad about what we did wrong and trying to shift some of the blame onto someone else so we won't feel so bad about ourselves. I'm not sure whether that comes naturally or if it's something we learn. I am sure that we can become conscious of how we spend our reflective time, turning it into an opportunity for planning shalom strategies and teaching our children how to do the same.
But still, what if they don't come up with an idea. What should I tell them?
Don't tell them anything. Speak with each of them, separately.
More, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
It is a manifestly true assertion, one often made, that the two biggest and most important jobs that we all have, and for which we are least prepared, are marriage and parenting. We tend to think that since we watched our parents' marriage, and saw what we liked and what we did not like, we will know exactly what to do in our own marriages-a manifestly false assertion. In addition, since we were all "parented" and, again, saw what we liked and we did not like, we enter into parenting thinking we know it all.
It comes as a rude awakening, upon having the first big argument with our spouse, that marriage may not be as easy as we thought. As the weeks and months pass by, the awareness that living together well with someone is not only difficult, but we really do not know much about what we are doing. However, if everyone else can do it, so can I. We, then, proceed to operate by the seat of our pants, with a hit or miss kind of approach. It is true that "trial and error" does work some of the time, but it is very wearing and tearing on the nervous and emotional systems. It begins to swallow up energy that would be better spent on doing things, in our marriages, that are more likely to succeed.
It is not much different with parenting. Most couples really believe that they know how to parent. Everyone has ideas about good and bad parenting, and we are sure that we know what the right and wrong approaches are. The day finally arrives, for all of us, when we are faced with situations that seem to defy all logic and whatever we try, flops. The first few "flops" are not earth-shattering, but when we begin to see the behaviors, in our child/children, which were exactly the ones that we were trying to correct, most of us begin to have doubts, to say the least, concerns or fears that we may not know as much as we thought we did. However, it is not until most of us are in deep trouble (we think) that we seek help.
What would happen if we could get a "heads up" on parenting? Would we not be better off if we began our parenting careers feeling that we have some solid and practical tools and skills that would really make a difference? Of course we would!
The truth is that there is a great deal of helpful information as well as workshops and courses that are available if sought. What we need is some consciousness-raising that we all need, without exception, to avail ourselves of what is out there. Like anything else of value, it takes a desire and effort to find the appropriate workshop or books, but If we truly understood that we all come into parenting without really knowing what we are doing and that there really are skills and tools that can help us become better parents, we would all seek them.
I am here to tell you that there is not one of us, not one of us, who does not need help with parenting. If you are smart, whether you have very young children, elementary school age children, middle or high school age children, you will seek out good parenting books/courses/workshops. You cannot imagine how knowing or having a handle on good and practical parenting skills can change the quality of your life. When you improve your ability to relate and understand your child/children, your life and the life of your child move to a new and healthier plane. There is tremendous gratification in knowing that you are doing something that is right, or that, at least, you are trying to perfect your parenting practices. None of us will ever be perfect parents because we are human, but our children are more likely to forgive us our mistakes when they know that we are sincerely trying to be better and more understanding parents. And, we all make mistakes, but if you are growing, seeking, changing not only will your child respect you for those efforts, but you have communicated one of the most important life-lessons to your child, and that is, that none of us are perfect but we strive toward perfection. You want to be the best parent for your child that you can be; he/she, in turn, will want to be, because you have shown him/her the way, the best person he can be. What more can a parent ask for?
Miriam Lowenbraun
MS in Counseling, Johns Hopkins University
Founder of the Institute of Basic Parenting which offers parenting workshops and lay-leader training
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I want to let you know that I tried some of the things you suggested. One of them was what you said about, "don't get him to do something, help him to do something." I have found that we get a lot more done when I work with him instead of telling him what to do and trying to get him to do it. Another thing you told me that's been really helpful was to think about letting him play with something for five more minutes when I'm ready to leave instead of saying, "we need to leave now, put that down and come with me." I remember your saying to me that I should think about how long five minutes seems to him to play with his toy, versus how long five minutes is for me to delay my shopping trip. For him, five minutes is a very long time, and as you pointed out, he can't comprehend postponing playing with the toy for an hour until we get back. I can plan to leave five minutes later and let him know when we're going to leave in five minutes instead of just letting him know when I want to leave right now. I'm so glad you told me how to think about that, because I see that now he is usually willing to come with me after his five minutes of play. I had never realized before how important that five minutes is for him and how easy it is for me.
I very much appreciated that mom's feedback. I'm sharing it with you because it illustrates something I've been reading about recently. According to social scientists, fostering empathy - the ability to identify with another person's feelings -is crucial to good parenting. Which raises two questions: can you teach someone empathy, and with how young a child is empathy helpful? Ariella just confirmed for me that yes, you can teach someone empathy. She reported back that I had successfully taught her how to empathize with her son. And it's helpful for very young children. The child she was referring to is two years old. Her empathic epiphany was of great help to him. When she realized how much the immediate five minutes of play he means to him, and how painful it is for him to lose the opportunity to play with a toy (that he cannot envision taking place just one hour later), she chose to accommodate him. When Ariella's empathy taught her how much those five minutes meant to her child, she realized how relatively little they mattered to her, and she postponed their shopping trip.
Ariella learned how to empathize, and she saw the value it had for her and her child, even though he's too young to express empathy in return. In a child not very much older, you can cultivate empathy. The most effective way to foster empathy in your child is to model it. In order to model it, you need to know what it is. Here are some definitions.
Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. By being a participant-observer, you come to understand how the other person feels. An empathetic observer enters into the equation and then removes himself.
James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as "a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. "
Dr. Hardee also quoted Columbia University psychiatrist Alberta Szalita who wrote, "[empathy is] consideration of another person's feelings and readiness to respond to his [or her] needs ... without making his [or her] burden one's own." I appreciate her expanding the concept of empathy from internal experience to motivator of responsive, caring behavior.
I'm sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I'm pretty sure that you don't always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's box.
I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a skill to master and teach.
A fascinating study showed that empathy can be taught by someone even younger than the age of two. How much younger? Quite a bit younger; a two month old baby! Let me share with you some excerpts from an article that appeared in the New York Times last November. It was entitled "Fighting Bullying With Babies."
It seems that it's not only possible to make people kinder, it's possible to do it systematically at scale - at least with school children. That's what one organization based in Toronto called Roots of Empathy has done. Researchers have found that the program increases kindness and acceptance of others and decreases negative aggression.
Here's how it works: Roots arranges monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). Each month, for nine months, a trained instructor guides a classroom using a standard curriculum that involves three 40-minute visits - a pre-visit, a baby visit, and a post-visit. The program runs from kindergarten to seventh grade.
Next week, G-d willing, we'll see how Roots of Empathy works, and we'll find the source in Chumash for the value of empathy. Then we'll address some of the specific concerns we listed above that can make it hard for caring, responsive parents to be empathic.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
What's the difference between a judge and a leader? What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders? Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child, the role of judge or the role of leader? What does any of this have to do with an article about empathy?
Let's answer the questions in the order in which we asked them:
What's the difference between a judge and a leader?
A judge is someone who examines what has happened in the past and decides what restitution or retribution is appropriate. His success depends on his knowledge of the law and his understanding of the situation in which the law is to be applied.
A leader is someone who helps people reach their goals, as individuals and as members of a group. His orientation is the present with an eye towards the future.
What are the qualifying criteria for judges and for leaders?
The Torah gives us specific criteria for judges. When Yisro advised Moshe Rabbeinu to appoint judges over the Jewish people, he said to look for a nshei hayil - men of valor, yir'ei Elokim - G-d-fearers, anshei emes - men of truth, v'sonei betza - haters of ill-gotten gain.
When it came time to appoint a new leader over the Jewish people, Moshe turned to Hashem and asked for a leader who met only one criterion. Moshe said, "Let the Omnipotent G-d of all living souls appoint a man over the community." (Bamidbar 27:16) Hashem concurred. "Take Yehoshua ben Nun, a man of spirit, and lay your hands on him." (Bamidbar 27:18)
Rashi explains why, in the context of appointing a new leader, Moshe referred to Hashem as "G‑d of all living souls."
Master of the universe, You understand the unique nature of each person. Appoint for them a leader who can bear to work with each one according to his way.
Hashem responded by referring to Yehoshua as "a man of spirit," appointing him as the successor to Moshe, in accordance with the leadership criterion that Moshe expressed. Rashi explains: "A man of spirit: as you [Moshe] requested. That he is able to work with each person according to his way."
The criteria for judges show us that their role is to determine the truth of what has happened and how to respond to it in a just manner, no matter who was involved in the event. The single criterion for a leader alludes to a very different role. His role is to discern the unique potential and challenge for each person in the events towards which he is leading them, and for which he is preparing them. The judge looks at an event and determines the ramifications of what each person did. The leader looks at each person and helps him accomplish what he's capable of doing. The judge determines what was. The leader envisions what can be. The Torah teaches us that leadership is not about understanding situations; it's about understanding each person, not only for what they can do, but for who they are.
Which role is more appropriate for you as a parent to play in the life of your child? The Malbim, on our discussion of the appointment of Yehoshua, writes:
Each person has qualities, strengths, and cravings unique to himself, and a unique personality according to his temperament and makeup. For this reason, it is necessary for a leader to know how to guide the spirit of each individual, they being different in nature and quality from one another. This is what is written, "He has in His hands the soul of every living thing and the spirit of the flesh of every man." (Iyov 12:10) For every living thing has a soul of life, but man has a spirit of wisdom. This spirit is combined with his flesh and influenced by his earthly nature. Moshe sought a leader who would not only be concerned with guiding their bodies. He requested a leader who could guide their spirits.
I believe that parents need to know more than just what their children have done and how to judge it. I believe parenting is about learning who your child is and helping him or her to become who they are capable of being. Leading your child to success more often than you judge and correct her failures, can only be achieved when you know who your child is and not just what she has done. That takes empathy. You can learn it.
Here's how a recent article described an organization called Roots of Empathy:
Roots teaches empathy to students from kindergarten to seventh grade. They arrange monthly class visits by a mother and her baby (who must be between two and four months old at the beginning of the school year). During the baby visits, the students sit around the baby and mother (sometimes it's a father) and they try to understand the baby's feelings.
The baby actually changes the children's behavior. Tough kids smile, disruptive kids focus, shy kids open up. In a seventh grade class, 12-year-olds unabashedly sang nursery rhymes.
The students do a lot of "perspective taking." When the baby is too small to raise its own head, for example, the instructor asks the children to lay their heads on the blanket and look around from there. Perspective taking is the cognitive dimension of empathy - and like any skill it takes practice to master. Children discover that everyone comes into the world with a different temperament, including themselves and their classmates. They see how hard it can be to be a parent, which helps them empathize with their own mothers and fathers.
Last week, I listed some of the things that can make it hard for you to empathize with your child. I ended last week's article by saying that we'd address those things in this week's article. But we didn't get to them. I'm going to try to imagine what it's like for you to have to wait another week because I told you I would address something this week but I didn't. You can try to imagine what it's like for me to be unable to figure out how much I'm going to be able to cover in an article, and having to excuse myself for not getting it right. Good opportunities for empathy!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I taught Ariella how to empathize with her two year old son. She said she would try to imagine how much a couple of minutes of play means to him, and weigh it against how important it was to her to bring him somewhere right away, depriving him of those minutes of play. It was really thoughtful of Ariella to let me know what happened.
I have to tell you that since I began waiting for the extra five minutes or telling him he could go on the slide one or two times, it's worked so well. In fact that other Shabbos, I was walking to shul and he wanted to go into someone else's yard where they allow him to play. I said nothing this time. He went in and then said, "wanna go to shul," and started walking, it was amazing what it can change!! Thank you so much.
What caused this amazing change for this mom? Empathy.
According to social scientists, fostering empathy - the ability to identify with another person's feelings -is crucial to good parenting.
James T Hardee, MD, in the Fall 2003 issue of the Permanente Journal, described empathy as "a balanced curiosity leading to a deeper understanding of another human being; stated another way, empathy is the capacity to understand another person's experience from within that person's frame of reference. " When you experience empathy towards your child, you become calmer, more patient, and better able to help your child. Rather than reacting out of your frustration and impatience, you can respond in a caring manner to what is difficult for your child.
I'm sure that you are a responsive, caring parent, yet I'm pretty sure that you don't always express and act upon empathy toward your child. What gets in your way? Here, paraphrased, are some answers to that question:
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.
I haven't had enough training in empathetic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
I think some of those answers are very good and some may be hard to address. And I think that each of those concerns is worth addressing because empathy is a crucial skill to master and teach. Let's address them one by one.
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
Never? Often, you're in the middle of doing something, or a lot of things, and can't sit down with a child to empathize with her. There may be other
children vying for your attention at the same time you wish you could sit down with this child. Right now, you really can't. There are two things I
would like you to do. One, is to make eye contact with her and say, "I'd like to sit down and talk with you for a while but I can't right now." The
second is to figure out when you can and make sure you do. This can be daunting if you're trying to imagine when you could possibly spend an hour
sitting with her. I want to assure you that giving her five minutes during which she gets to talk about some of the things she wants to tell you is far
more valuable than hoping for an hour with you that never happens.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem. Upon whose problem are you focusing? If your entire focus is on the problem you're having with your child's behavior, you will not express empathy to him because you're too busy empathizing with yourself. This tends to happen when you see your child's failed behavior as an act of disrespect towards you and feel frustrated, resentful, and angry over it. I truly believe that most children do not spend the day trying to figure out how to make their parents miserable. If that is your impression, you certainly deserve some empathy and I would urge you to speak to your spouse or someone else you trust to help you. Once you're able to see the problem as belonging to your child rather than you, you will be able to help him with empathy towards him.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me. Remember the definition I gave you a couple of weeks ago? Empathy is engaged detachment. You "borrow" another's feelings to observe, feel, and understand them--but not to take them onto yourself. If giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for you, it may because you are vicariously experiencing the emotions your child is describing to you, and not detaching successfully. Vicarious trauma is a well-documented phenomenon, it is very painful, and it can be addressed. Actually, it must be addressed. There is a term for what happens to people who do not seek healing from vicarious trauma. That term is "burnout." When a clinician suffers burnout, they sometimes leave the field because it has become too painful to try to help someone who is hurting. When a parent burns out, they can't leave the field. They just become unable to listen to their child's pain. They start saying things like, "there's no reason to be sad," or, "don't be such a baby," or, "there's nothing to be afraid of." These parents usually don't have to say these things for very long because their children stop telling them what they're thinking and feeling. At which point these parents still haven't left the field, but they're out of the game. These are the parents with whom I empathize when they come to me and say, "Why won't my child talk to me?" I model and teach them empathy, so they can express empathy as a medium for re-building their relationship with their child.
Empathy toward your child is so valuable. What gets in your way? We'll look at the rest of the answers, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details:
718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I appreciate the nachas that I get from parents like Ayala, and enjoy hearing about the nachas she has from her daughter, Ronit.
Ayala expressed empathy to her child, and it allowed her child to express her feelings and her wants more accurately. The result of that was a suggestion that might make Ronit's bed time less difficult for both of them, a suggestion that came from the child.
Here's Ayala's letter.
Ronit has been having a hard time with bedtime and of course I've been utilizing your methods. The articles on empathy were also so helpful. Tonight she cried again and once more I asked her, "I see you're crying. What's so hard for you at bed time. I wish you would use your words instead." She finally calmed herself down and said, "Ma I'm so jealous that everyone else is still up when I go to sleep. It makes me sad." Amazing!! We then were able to have a conversation on what she can do when she feels jealous. She asked to play on her Nintendo for a few minutes each night in bed!! Incredible stuff!! Rabbi Ackerman I'm still impressed every time. What a success! And yes of course I told her how well she worked that out for herself!! Thanks again!!
Over the past few weeks, we've looked at some of the concerns parents have about expressing empathy towards their child.
I don't have enough time to give empathy.
It is not relevant; I'm too busy focusing on the problem.
Giving empathy is emotionally exhausting for me.
I don't want to open that Pandora's Box.
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
We've addressed the first three, and this week we're up to number four. How did Ayala overcome this obstacle to empathy in order to have this conversation with Ronit? What gave her the courage to open Pandora's Box?
According to the myth, Pandora's Box contains every kind of evil that exists. Thus, the expression, "to open Pandora's Box," means to expose yourself to all kinds of difficulties that you think would better be contained inside the box.
What is the answer to a parent who is reluctant to invite a child to express her fears, frustrations, or jealousy because it would be opening Pandora's Box? I found the answer on page 168 of a book called The Facts On File Dictionary of Classical, Biblical, and Literary Allusions. I found out that there's one more thing in Pandora's Box besides all the evil and trouble. All the way down at the bottom, there is Hope.
Maybe the metaphor is that until you open the box and face what's frightening, you don't realize that there is hope. You may be afraid to invite your child to tell you what's inside of their box of fear, anger, disappointment, or jealousy. You may be thinking that allowing them to express what they are feeling obligates you to help them feel better and you don't know how. The reality is that your empathic listening gives them the opportunity to explore what they are already struggling with rather than teaching them to deny it. Then you can offer them hope that they will think about things differently and feel better someday soon. You can't think about something differently, and feel better about it, until you look at it. That's why the hope is inside the box.
David haMelech, A'H, in Psalm 48 wrote, "diminu Elokim chasdecha." Rav S. R. Hirsch explains diminu as "to make a likeness or a picture for one's self, to conceive of something," and translates the phrase as follows: "We had heretofore conceived of Thy mercy, O G-d." (The Psalms, Rav Hirsch, Feldheim, page 343) In the Artscroll Interlinear Siddur, Rav Davis translates diminu as "we hoped." (Ashkenaz, page 223) When you picture something, look at it more calmly and get a clearer, more accurate understanding of your thoughts and feelings, you gain hope that you will cope with them and develop new strategies for success. That's what Ayala accomplished by empathizing with Ronit. Ayala invited Ronit to describe all of the unpleasant thoughts and feelings with which she was struggling. Her empathy allowed Ronit to look at all of the scary things in her box, and resulted in Ronit's developing a strategy for success. And Ronit is, bli ayin hara, three.
There are two obstacles to empathy we have not addressed in these articles:
I haven't had enough training in empathic communication.
I'm concerned that if I use up all my empathy on one child I won't have anything left for the rest of my family.
Once you've learned empathic communication, you'll know that empathy begins with yourself. Learning how to monitor your own need for nurturance will help you nurture others without running out. I would not attempt to teach that to you in an article. I hope you will seek someone to teach and nurture you. You and your children deserve no less.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I was mistaken.
I've said something to many parents and I recently found out that it's not correct.
I've been telling parents that the only person who can't slow things down and think before reacting is a paramedic. The other day, at the breakfast table between dovening and my Sunday morning learning seder, I mentioned this idea. A paramedic seated nearby was nice enough to set me straight. He explained to me that when he arrives at the scene of an emergency he doesn't rush headlong into the situation. It was interesting; he also didn't say that he slows down. What he said was, when he arrives on the scene, the first thing he does is… he stops. He stops long enough to assess whether or not it is safe to proceed, safe for him and safe for the people he is there to help. In other words, he takes the time to figure out what might make the situation worse before he attempts to make it better. His training has taught him that the idea "anything I do has got to be better than doing nothing" is not only fallacious, it's dangerous.
There's a term that describes men and women who rush to the scene of an emergency. They're called "first responders." Which brings me to something else I've said to many parents, something I'm pretty sure I've got right. I often tell parents that there is a difference between reacting and responding. There's a difference internally and there's a difference in what you say out loud to your child.
Here's what a reaction sounds like internally:
Why can't I get this child to behave? I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are. I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior. I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
And here's what this reaction sounds like externally:
Why can't you ever just do what I tell you? Do you have any idea what it's like for me when you can't ever comply with a simple request? I come home straight from shul just for this? I might as well stay there.
Now let's look at the same situation and see what the internal response sounds like in direct contrast to the internal reaction we just described.
Reaction: Why can't I get this child to behave?
Response: He didn't do what I asked him to do. I wonder what happened? Maybe I can help him do better next time.
Reaction: I look at other parents with their children and I don't understand why I can't be as good a parent as they are.
Response: Other parents seem to have some strategies for helping their children that I haven't learned yet. I'm going to look into that.
Reaction: I'm sure my wife blames me for his behavior.
Response: Maybe I should start by asking my wife. She might have some ideas that would be helpful for him and for me.
Reaction: I might as well stay in shul and schmooze with some of the other guys. I'm certainly not accomplishing much here at home with my kids.
Response: I really want to learn how to accomplish more with my kids.
And here's what this response sounds like externally:
What happened, Shloime? How could I help you?
There's also a difference in the outcome you're likely to arrive at. Reactions tend to result in confrontations and verbal altercations. When you react, your children tend to become defensive and react back to you. The ensuing argument might dissipate a lot of heat but rarely sheds any light. Responses more often lead to enlightening conversations.
Rabbi Ackerman, I want to assure you that when I say, "What happened, Shloime? How could I help you," he's going to say, "I don't know." It's not going to be much of a conversation.
Yet.
What do you mean, "yet?"
I mean you've invited him to have a conversation rather than precluding one by starting an argument. I would like you to believe him when he says that he doesn't know how you can help him, and to tell him that you would like him to think about it. Then, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. A day or two later, ask him what he came up with. And when he tells you that he didn't come up with anything, gently ask him to please think about it, wish him a pleasant evening and walk away. It may take quite a while before this conversation takes place and things get better. In the meantime, you haven't made it worse.
I know I didn't describe the situation that this father was addressing. That's because it doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter what is the nature of the situation to which the paramedic is responding. He always needs to stop and think about what might make things worse before he tries to make something better.
Did the title of this article sound strange to you? I've never heard of a First Reactor either. They're called First Responders, not First Reactors, and now you know why.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Parents spend a lot time preparing their home for Pesach. I suggest that parents also spend time preparing their children for Pesach.
How do you pique your child's interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what it's like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you don't want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what that's like. Then ask him what it's like when he finally gets to do whatever he feels like doing. If he says "that has never happened," don't argue or give examples of when you think it did happen. Accept his perception of reality and ask him what he would do if that did ever happen. Then ask him what happens when you do whatever you want but there are no rules; how do you know how to play, how to get along, what works best to get the things you want?
Now you can say, "the Yidden in Mitzrayim were bossed around all the time, made to do things they didn't want to do and that were too hard for them. Then Hashem freed them and they needed to know what to do with all that freedom and this is why Hashem gave us the Torah, so we'd know what to do when we have freedom and choices."
I hope your children don't perceive of the time they spend in school as "slavery." School, nonetheless, provides them structured time with specific places to be and things to do. They now have all this "freedom" from school, and they may not know what to do with it or where you wish they'd do it.
The timing is awful. Just when you're at your busiest with all of the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, that's when your children are off from school, seeking your attention. Even when (or should I say "if") the work is done for the day, you're exhausted and find it hard to be available to your children.
Your children have much more time on their hands just when you have even less time for them. It's a recipe for failure, unless you plan for success. Here's how.
Sit down with each of your children in advance. Expect to spend between two to five minutes with each child. That's really all you and they need to make some plans.
Sitting in a quiet, calm place with each child:
Explain that there will be times while there's no school that you won't be available to spend time with her.
Tell her what you would like her to help you with, when, and for how long.
Ask her what activities she would like to do when you're not available to spend time with her. With whom would she like to spend time, who can make the arrangements, what books, games, crafts, and equipment will help her stay busy while you're unusually busy.
Remember that planning activities is better done with children rather than for them.
Even after careful planning for a calm Pesach preparation session, a child may need your attention. When you perceive this need for attention as "misbehavior," you might become angry. Coping with anger during Pesach preparations is addressed in HaSeder HaAruch, who writes the following
A person must know that anger and harsh rebuke are always forbidden. "Anyone who becomes angry is considered as though he had committed idolatry." (Rambam hilchos daos 2:3 based on Talmud Shabbos 105b) Just as we must guard against chometz when baking matza, so must we guard against anger lest our matza be a mitzva haba b'aveira. (chapter 24 paragraph 6, my translation)
The Sefer HaChinuch in mitzva 16 writes that our thoughts and feelings are influenced by our actions. The actions we perform in the fulfillment of mitzvos are designed to focus our thoughts and stimulate our feelings. When we engage in mitzvos that remind us of the kindnesses and wonders that Hashem has done for us, we feel grateful and we realize that it is appropriate to express appreciation. Thus the activities we perform at the Seder naturally lead us to the thoughts and feelings we express in Hallel. The Chinuch writes this in the course of his discussion of the commandment not to break any bone of the korban Pesaach. There is another context in which breaking something is significant.
I mentioned that the Rambam describes someone who becomes angry as being tantamount to worshipping an idol. The gemara, however, equates anger with idolatry only when, in expressing the anger, the person breaks a vessel. Why doesn't the Rambam make this distinction? The Seder HaAruch posits that the Rambam wants to teach us that anger can lead to breakage indirectly and insidiously, even when the damage isn't immediately evident.
Our children are vessels, they are the kli machazik of our Torah, the repository of our future. When we speak to them in anger, we risk damage to that vessel that is the soul of our child. Damage that may not be evident, but is painful just the same.
Every couple of hours, while you're preparing for Pesach, sit down with a child for just a minute or two. Smile, sigh, and say, "hi, how are you doing?" The bracha for you and your child in those few moments may not be evident, but it is real just the same.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC. Men's and women's parenting groups now available. Call for details: 718-344-6575
"So Cute, So Hard on a Marriage"
This was the title of an article in a recent issue of the Wall Street Journal that described the affect of children on their parents' marriage.
According to the article, "numerous studies have shown that a couples' satisfaction with their marriage takes a nose dive after the first child is born. Sleepless nights and fights over whose turn it is to change diapers can leach the fun out of a relationship."
It's sad, and ironic. The irony is that the stronger the relationship between parents, the better it is for their children, these same children who test the strength of their parents' relationship again and again.
Is this article at all relevant to us, members of the frum community? Can you imagine parents in our community considering their children to be a source of stress and strain on their marriage?
Can you imagine parents being so stressed by their children that they could go so far as to curse them? And if you could, to what would you attribute it? Would you say it's because of our fast-paced urban lifestyle? Shall we blame it on the Internet?
I'm not a historian, but I'm fairly certain that the urban lifestyle of Bialystok, Poland in the early 1800s bore little resemblance to ours, and the Internet was not an issue to be addressed. The phenomenon of frum, loving parents cursing their children, was. It was addressed by a rav who lived in Bialystok, and died there in 1867, Rav Hanoch Zundel ben Yosef. He is best known for his commentaries Eitz Yosef and Anaf Yosef on the Midrash, the Ein Yaakov, and the Siddur.
Rav Hanoch Zundel also wrote a commentary on the laws and customs of tefila. I would like to share with you my translation of excerpts from his discussion of bentching children on Friday night, from his commentary Besamim Rosh.
(The Besamim Rosh is printed in the Siddur Otzar Hatefilos. In the 1966 Hebraica Press, nusach Ashkenaz edition, there are numbers at the bottom of the page. The number on the right is a chapter number and the number on the left is the page within that chapter. The following is from page "16 -39.")
"It is appropriate for every man to bless his sons and daughters on Shabbos, particularly on Friday night.
"I have found that that which it is customary for all Israel to bless their sons and daughters every Shabbos and holiday is because sometimes, during the week, the father and the mother have cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Therefore, now, in a time of joy we nullify those curses by way of the blessings; we ask Hashem to change the curse into a blessing.
"When a man places his hand onto the head of his child he, the father, is himself blessed, as the pasuk says, 'and Yisrael put his right hand, etc.' and then it says, 'and He [Hashem] blessed them, etc.'
"It is clear that it is a minhag shtus [an incorrect practice] on the part of those who refrain from blessing their children on the holy Sabbath, for our sages have taught, 'do not take lightly the blessing of an ordinary person.' And certainly at an ais ratzon [a time of G-d's willingness to forgive], such as Friday night, it [to fail to bless one's children] is an act of laziness brought about by the evil inclination, as is its way, to lower a person continuously into extreme sloth to prevent him from doing even the smallest act of the will of Hashem. Therefore anyone who has reverence for Hashem in his heart will bless his children and his offspring."
Sometimes, during the week, in early 19th century Bialystok, fathers and mothers cursed their children because of their great stress or because of something else that happened to them. Rav Hanoch Zundel did not berate those parents, he did not exhort them to control themselves at all times, to never become so frustrated and angry. He did not write that parents must never again curse their children. He knew that they might. He wrote that Hashem gives us an ais ratzon, a time when we can heal a wound inflicted in anger, and that it is inexcusable to forfeit the opportunity.
I'm sure you've never, G-d forbid, cursed any of your children, wished them harm or suffering. But you may have uttered an imprecation. An imprecation is defined as something rude, angry, or hostile that is said to or about someone. It is a synonym for "curse" in a broader sense of the term. The Hebrew word Rav Hanoch Zundel used is to describe how those parents may have "cursed" their children is m'kallalin. The word is translated as "to curse," but its literal meaning is to make light of. A parent doesn't have to be rude, angry, or hostile to curse their child in the Hebrew sense of the term. All it takes is a dismissive gesture of the hand or a glaring look to make a child be taken lightly, to feel insignificant.
The atonement process, when the Temple is standing, for one who has inflicted harm through inappropriate speech includes placing the blood of an offering onto the thumb. Rav Nisan Alpert, ztz"l, pointed out that this is to remind us of the harm we can do with a dismissive gesture of the hand.
Perhaps this is why it is so important that you place your hand on your child when you bless her. Your softly spoken love and soothing touch express your desire to heal the pain of harsh words and dismissive gestures.
One thing more. Make sure your eyes meet her eyes. Just as a look of disdain pushes your child away and makes her feel small, your smiling look of affection uplifts her and brings you closer.
Al t'hi birckas hedyot kallah b'aneicha (Megila 15a)
Don't take lightly the bracha given to you by an ordinary person.
It could be understood to mean, "The way to make your bracha more meaningful is b'aneicha, with your eyes."
A more meaningful bracha for your child, and for you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationship, and parenting. He works with parents
and educators, and conducts parenting groups for men and women. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
2 comments
Dear Aviva,
I teach in a Seminary in Israel that caters to young modern orthodox women. I see that these girls are struggling with making the jump from learning halacha to incorporating it into their lives. For the most part, these girls were well raised and come from good, moral backgrounds. They don't necessarily feel like there is anything missing from their lives and they in no way consider themselves baalei teshuva.
How can we empower the good modern orthodox girl who never felt she was lacking to want to grow and connect to HaShem? Specifically in the areas of tzniut and shomer negia. They understand the importance of tzniyut but don't really see the merit in being careful that shirts aren't too tight or that knees are completely covered. What's missing?
-Hoping to help
Dear Hoping to help,
I think that if you took a huge step back, you would achieve what you set out for. If you have an agenda (albeit a noble one), the girls will pick up on it. Agendas tend to repel those that you are trying to attract. When you take a step back, you will stop focusing on one or two points to push. Instead, you can instill a more global love for G-d and love for Am Yisrael. If a young woman lacks this, but takes on strict adherence to halacha, she will be very wobbly once she is back home and questioned. There are many individuals whose growth is slow and steady and long-lasting. So don't try to fight the fashion. Just love and support your students.
But be on alert. If a student asks you questions about tzniyus, then be ready to address it. I remember a teacher of mine tried to encourage my modern class to dress more modestly and be more prudish with boys. She gave a horrible analogy-she said "Imagine you are in the grocery store and you are buying tomatoes. Would you pick the ones that have bruises on them? Or would you buy the ones that look like nobody touched them?" She was basically making us all feel like damaged goods, and she also stressed the point that the goal is to be untouched for our future husband. Wrong and wrong. Firstly, a positive slant would have been more effective. Secondly, that's a really bad goal-change our behaviors just to snag a good hubby. Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Instead, talk about a wealthy woman. This woman has millions in the bank and owns some very rare gems. Does she give out her PIN and her ATM card? No. Does she wear her jewelry when she is out and about? No. This analogy actually brings to mind a time when I was enlightened by something. I was at a wedding. The guests that attended ranged across the socio-economic spectrum. Everybody had their glitz blinging and looked beautiful. Some stones were real, and some were costume. Then, I spotted a woman whose wealth far out-wealths any other guests. I'm not one to check someone out, but I could not help but notice the stark simplicity of her attire. A single solitaire diamond centered in her collarbone was the only sparkly bit on her. What is the message here? This is someone who is capable of putting Tiffany's to shame. I guess she didn't want to shame her Jewish sisters who could not keep up with her. Instead, she chose to downplay and to undertone. She knows what beauty she has at home in her vault. She just doesn't want to be defined by it.
And I don't mean that a girl should save her beauty till she feels ready to share it with the right person. I mean she should save her beauty for herself. I'm involved in a longitudinal study, and my poor kids are the subjects of it. I always tell them how beautiful their bodies are (particularly their most private areas. And yes, it is a little hard to say that to my son without a smirk). If they decide to start streaking in the middle of our Shabbos meal with guests, I do not shriek or yell at them to cover up. Instead, I smile and say, "Wow! Hashem gave you such a beautiful body! But it's really just for you to have. It's your special present just for you." I'll let you know in a decade or two if my method has a leg to stand on…
-Aviva
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Aviva Rizel, MA
Marriage and Family Therapist
528 Willow Avenue
Cedarhurst, NY 11516
[email protected]
