Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I am your daughter, sister, niece, cousin, friend...
I am a teenager studying in a [mainstream] High School in [city name].
I am writing this article in the first person for I feel so deeply about this issue. Watching & hearing friends, relatives, & peers struggling with some or all these feelings I felt compelled to write about it.
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?
Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?
I will try to explain.
Imagine the seventh or eighth grader who is normally unobtrusive & on the quiet side finally works up the courage to raise her hand in Navi class and asks "But if we have Bechira, how does Hashem decide everything on Rosh Hashanah?"
The teacher explodes in a fury of words telling the girl how such questions were Apikorsis and anyone asking such a question was an Apikores. The once pale student becomes redder than a crayon. She lowers her eyes and tries to ignore the snickers of her classmates wishing she were back home alone in her room.
But, her embarrassment soon turns to anger and then ferociousness at the teacher who dared to shame her in front of her class.
Not possible you say? Unfortunately, such situations are not uncommon, and the victims of these scenarios are my friends and peers. More often than not, they end up feeling wounded and worthless and these feelings frequently lead to behavioral problems.
This courageous and eloquent young woman gave me permission to share her article as I wish. I chose to omit the information about her school and her city, not only to protect her identity, but also because what she describes has happened in many schools and many cities. G-d willing, over the next few months I hope to discuss additional excerpts in which she gives poignant examples of how children and teenagers come to feel wounded and worthless. For now, let's ponder how a young woman's piercing challenge was addressed many, many years ago.
Our matriarch Rivka A'H could not understand why the pregnancy she and Yitzchak Aveinu A"H had dovened for so fervently was so painful. We might imagine that given the extraordinarily high spiritual plane on which she lived, she would have said to herself, "this is the will of G-d; I must accept it without question." But that's not what happened. Rivka did have a question. And she didn't chide herself for having a question and shamefully keep her question to herself. She trusted that if she went to a teacher, she might get an answer to her question and she surely wouldn't be harshly criticized for daring to ask.
There are many good reasons to not answer a child's question. Perhaps there isn't enough time to answer the question adequately, and to answer it incompletely might leave the child even more confused. It may be that the answer would lead to a discussion that would break the flow of the teacher's presentation. It could be that the child's question is vague. I would think that in these situations a parent, or a teacher, would say to the child that they don't have time right now to address the question adequately, or that they don't want to address that topic right now, or that they would like the child to make the question more precise. I think they would express that to the child calmly and gently.
So there must be some other reason for not answering a child's question. A reason that can trigger an explosive fury of words rendering a child embarrassed, anger and shamed. A reason that justifies leaving a child feeling wounded and worthless.
What reason, what opinion, feeling, or thought could justify causing a once pale student to become redder than a crayon. Many of us know the expression malbin pnei chaveiro, which literally translated means to cause someone's face to turn white. When someone is feeling shame, we usually see them turn red, not white. The explanation is that you notice the whiteness before and after the redness during their intense shame. Many of us know the severity of the prohibition of malbin pnei chaveiro. But what about the term chaveiro? Does this limit the prohibition to peers or superiors? What is the scope of the prohibition, to whom does it apply?
I have heard the opinion that shaming a child can be an appropriate technique of chinuch.
Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):
There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]
Rav Pam adds that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacher's words to a child.
We all want our children to think carefully before they speak, and have yishuv hadaas.
So we're back to modeling. We always are.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
One of the most stressful times of the day in many households is bedtime. You, the parent, have been trying to accomplish various things you would like for yourself while at the same time responding to the demands of many other people all day long. Or maybe you have spent the entire day just responding to the demands of others. You've been responding to bosses, coworkers, children, and spouses; trying to deal with bills and solicitors; and in the rare spare moment, wondering why we can't use the voting machines that we've been using all along?
At last, it's their bedtime and you're looking forward to some quiet time with your wife. All that stands between you and some relaxed quality time with her is your children. So you announce in a calm yet loud enough voice to be heard by all of your children wherever in your home they may be:
Children, each of you knows your bedtime. Please be in bed on time and have a good night's sleep. Good night everybody.
Or, you sit down with each child, you make eye contact, and you gently say,
It's time for bed now. Good night, sweetheart.
Apparently, neither of these two approaches gets the desired results as often and as promptly as you wish they would. Your children do not always proceed directly to their beds. What gives me that impression? I infer it from the fact that every time I give the presentation "dreading bedtime, and how to make it better" I get a very good turnout.
Here, paraphrased, are some excerpts from an e-mail exchange with someone who heard the presentation recently.
Parent who heard the presentation (his initials are NC):
You said that parents should spell out the expectations step by step rather than just saying, "make sure you're ready for bed by eight o'clock." Otherwise, your child may say he's ready for bed but he hasn't brushed his teeth, or he hasn't put away his schoolbooks, so he thinks he's ready for bed and you don't think so. Should the explicit expectations include, after the other expectations are met, telling the child to go to bed?
Rabbi YS Ackerman (YSA):
Yes, the expectations can include getting into bed. AND I want the parent, after each expectation is met, to acknowledge the child's success.
NC: Can you give me an estimate of the average age when a child is old enough to just say "get ready for bed."
YSA: No, I don't know of any average. I would suggest that you try saying that to each of your children and if it helps them succeed at being in bed on time that's fine. If it doesn't, we go back to helping them one step at a time.
NC: After I've gone over these step by step expectations with my child do I then say "get ready for bed" and then do nothing else, don't check on him again?
YSA:
You can check on the child, and if the child isn't in bed at the expected time,
ask the child what would help.
NC: The "age" or time that a parent might not have to specify expectations to go to bed are brought about which reason? 1) Because they are too old to tell them to go to bed. 2) Because they have reached the age when they will probably know on their own how to go to bed. 3) Some other reason.
YSA: Let's address each of the possibilities you suggested.
1. Because they are too old to tell them to go to bed.
There are physicians who tell their patients that they would feel better if they got more sleep. There are husbands who tell that to their wives, and wives who tell it to their husbands. We don't outgrow the need for guidance from other people in our lives. (As implied by the concept Ezer k'negdo)
2. Because they probably know on their own
I don't like to make assumptions. If a child (or adult) is succeeding on her own, you see that they don't need your help. If she's not, I would wonder if she wants to succeed. If she would rather get to bed at a time that you consider too late for her to be well rested the next day, but she doesn't mind being tired all day long, you're probably not going to convince her to go to bed any earlier. If she does want to get to bed earlier and can't seem to do it, I'd rather that you ask her "How can I help you?" instead of handing her a solution.
3. Some other reason
I'm usually more interested in outcomes than in "reasons." The only reason I know of is that the child is succeeding even though you're not specifying the expectation, in which case, be sure to celebrate your child's success!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Please write down 13 things that you think we ask for from Hashem when we doven.
The first time I gave that assignment was in 1974. The 12 year olds in my class impressed me with some very thoughtful and compassionate requests, although I don't think any of them was able to come up with 13 different things to ask for. Then we opened our siddurim, and I showed them the 13 requests we make in the weekday Shemonah Esrai. We spent a lot of time analyzing their lists and discovering that they had intuited so much of what the anshei kneses ha'gedaloh had put into words for us. What a wonderful success for those children! They were able to see how closely their wishes and hopes aligned with those of some of the wisest sages of all time. Now it wasn't hard for them to express their own thoughts through the words of the prayers, and dovening was a pleasant part of their day.
Another time I gave that assignment was in the mid-1980s. My class comprised a group of women, members of my shul, all of whom were old enough to have grandchildren. They too suggested poignant and heartfelt concerns to express to Hashem, and they too had a hard time coming up with 13 different things to ask for. When they opened their siddurim they discovered how closely their concerns matched those of the Men of the Great Assembly who composed that prayer so many years ago.
Both times, I continued the discussion by asking them which of the 13 requests in the Shemonah Esrai they had not included in their list. That resulted in some very interesting conversations about how to make a request you hadn't thought of, relevant to you. Most of the time, we were able to figure out some way that every request could be relevant to each of us. When the answer was, "it's not relevant to me," the next question I asked was, "why do you imagine all of these requests are in the plural rather than the singular form?" I was not surprised at how quickly the women in my class realized that in addition to the deeply personal concerns we express in our dovening, we also pray for the well-being of others. I must admit that I was surprised, and very impressed, by how quickly the children in my class grasped this idea and embraced it. Those 12 year olds began to think of friends, family members, and people they'd just heard of somehow, for whom they could pray with various of the paragraphs of the Shemonah Esrai. And it got even better. A child asked me:
What if I can't think of anybody who needs what a certain paragraph is asking for? Could I just ask Hashem to take my tefilah and use it to help somebody that Hashem knows about?
Children don't surprise me that way anymore. I've learned that they are often sensitive, compassionate, and generous when given the opportunity. As adults, we have opportunities to express our sensitivity, compassion, and generosity by giving of our time to those closest to us and our resources to the organizations who reach out beyond us. One of the opportunities we can give to children is to help them understand the meaning and the power of their prayers.
That's why I feel so bad about the title of this article. So many times when I've asked an educator, "what do you wish I could help you with," the answer was, "Dovening. It's the hardest part of the day." I've heard that from hanhala, rebbeim, and morahs, in elementary schools and in high schools. And it gets worse.
I usually ask:
How is dovening different from other school subjects?
I usually hear:
I imagine that from the children's point of view it's no different from any other subject.
Some schools decided to change that, to talk with children about dovening, and to listen to what it means to them as they learn more about it. Other schools told me they just couldn't fit that kind of discussion into their day.
Maybe that's how we end up with letters to the editor about shushing people in shul for whom the hardest part of the day is staying focused on the dovening.
The Malbim (on Psalm 90:17) wrote that we can be a source of pleasure to Hashem. I think our prayers, especially when we say them carefully and thoughtfully, are a source of nachas to Hashem.
Sometimes it's hard to give Hashem nachas. Think about that the next time it seems hard for your child to give nachas to you.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
A comment from a reader of my column:
One more thing I personally need to learn, and a point you may want to bring out in a future article - to take our children's questions seriously and not brush them off by using humor to make light of it or by being dismissive. Their questions are real and they need to be answered respectably.
Can you remember a time when your child asked you something, and you looked her in the eye and said, "You must be kidding!" What happened next? Did she say, "yes I was just kidding," and you shared a laugh? Or did she look confused or disheartened.
Many children have a wonderful sense of humor, and I hope you enjoy joking with your kids when you both know it's a joke.
I don't enjoy it at all when I ask something seriously and someone looks at me like I'm from Neptune and finds it quite amusing that I asked such a question.
The Talmud says that the intensity of humiliation depends on the stature of the victim and of the perpetrator. I guess that's why sometimes I feel confused when someone dismisses my question, and sometimes I feel disheartened.
I feel confused when someone whom I don't really know responds to my question in a way that is discourteous to me and dismissive of my query. I tend to wonder why they would behave so inappropriately towards me, and I feel bad that they are so socially inept. I know that they don't know me well enough to be rendering any type of judgment about me that could have any basis in reality, so I don't feel bad about myself.
It's a very different situation when I ask a question of someone whom I know very well, whom I respect and admire, and who, I believe, thinks well of me. When she responds to me as though my question were inane, I feel disheartened. I wonder if I've asked something foolish, so that now she thinks less of me. I feel disheartened, perhaps even humiliated, and yes, I get over it.
Children also get over being humiliated. And they learn to be real careful to avoid it in the future when they don't trust someone who has hurt them in the past.
I think there is a connection between two expressions in a Mishna in Avos. The first expression says that a person who is a baishan cannot learn. The next expression says that a person who is a kapdan cannot teach. Taken by itself, the second expression doesn't seem to make sense. Just because you are inflexible and harsh, why can't you impart information?
I think the second expression is telling us that someone who is a kapdan, who makes a child afraid to ask questions, turns that child into a baishan who cannot learn. Learning requires a level of trust that the person who is teaching you will answer your question if he's able to, and have the humility to tell you if he can't, rather than humiliating you for asking a question to which he couldn't immediately respond. Which brings us to a common expression that includes a form of the word kapdan: to be makpid on your kovod.
The greatest commentator on the Torah and the Talmud, Rashi, had the humility to write, on more than one occasion, that he didn't know what something meant. Rashi wasn't makpid on his kovod. Yet he has earned the kovod of generations by becoming the quintessential teacher to us all.
What Rashi teaches us as parents is that it is okay to say, "I don't know." The alternative is to think that you must know the answer to every question, feel humiliated when you don't, and react with derision to fend off the perceived slight. That results in children who are afraid to ask questions and afraid to trust you with their concerns and doubts.
That's truly sad.
It becomes dangerous when your child expresses those concerns and doubts to someone else who may address them in a way that could be harmful.
A comment from another reader of my column:
In my humble opinion, one of the most important reasons that people behave badly is a
feeling, rightly or wrongly, that they have been humiliated.
The corollary is that children whose questions are respected, even when we can't answer them, more often behave well.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
It's Chankuka. An awkward time, perhaps, to learn something from the Greek language. But it will help you understand my thoughts on a point made by a young woman from our community. Why I disagree with her. And why what she wrote is so important.
Have you ever walked down the street and seen a teenage boy or girl from a family that you may know dressed in an inappropriate manner? Perhaps acting in a non-frum way? Have you talked about a friend's child that went "off'?
Have you any clue to their painful stories? Have you any notion of their inner struggles? Have you any inkling of how they ended up here?
How?! In my limited ability I will try to explain.
I walk into my school office and the principal is red with fury yelling at the cringing secretary and then walks into our class giving us mussar about anger, consideration of others' feelings, etc.?? Hypocrisy is one of the biggest turn-offs for our generation, and I believe that we are the experts in spotting hypocrisy from a mile away.
I agree that what she saw in the school office is in stark contrast with what she heard the principal lecturing to her class, and it would be both incongruent and disillusioning. But it's not hypocrisy.
According the American Heritage Dictionary, hypocrisy is defined as:
a pretense of having a virtuous character, moral or religious beliefs or principles, etc., that one does not really possess.
The etymology is from the Greek hypokrisis - "the act of playing a part on the stage."
I am pretty sure that the principal's inconsistent behavior was not an example of hypocrisy. I think teens sometimes assume that when adults don't live up to their own proclaimed values they're being hypocritical. They then proceed to dismiss this "hypocritical" adult as unworthy of their respect and irrelevant as a figure of authority and guidance. You've probably heard a teenager say something like, "why should I listen to him; he's a phony."
There are two responses to that comment that can be helpful for you as a parent. Both of them, as usual with me, are actually questions, not answers.
Helpful question number 1 is:
"What do you imagine will happen when you don't listen to him? How do you think that might play out?" It may be true that this adult is a phony. Nonetheless, he might have some authority over your teenager, some power over him that could affect your child's life in the short term or maybe for the rest of his life. One of the most important roles you have as the parent of a teen is to talk with him about anticipating outcomes before making choices.
Helpful question number 2 is:
"What makes you think he's a phony?"
Because I saw him in the school office yelling at his cringing secretary, and an hour later he walked into our class and give us mussar about anger, consideration of others' feelings, etc. What a hypocrite, a phony.
I guess you know what that's like, to be hypocritical.
What? What do you mean, mom?
Rivky, don't you remember? Just this morning, you yelled at Avi when he spilled his chocolate milk and it got on your sleeve. You called him a "careless brat."
But I just pressed that blouse after it came out of the laundry, and I was looking forward to wearing it with this sweater. Now I have to wash it again, wait for it to hang dry, and press it all over again. And I had to change into something else before I could leave for school, and I was already running late. He's so annoying!
Wait a second Rivky, I misunderstood you. I thought you agreed with the principal's mussar about being considerate of other people's feelings, and that's why you were upset with him for yelling at his secretary. Now I realize that it was the other way around. You agreed with his being inconsiderate of someone who had upset him, and think it's phony to talk about being considerate of others.
No, I never thought that, mom. I do think it's important to be considerate of people's feelings.
Okay, Rivky, so if that's what you think, then you revealed that you're a hypocrite and a phony this morning when you yelled at your brother. Or am I missing something here?
No, mom, I didn't mean to be inconsiderate of Avi's feelings. I was just really upset with him right then. I wish I hadn't said that to him. I try to be considerate of him because I think that's the right thing to do, but sometimes I just slip, and then I'm embarrassed to admit it and apologize to him. Does that really make me a hypocrite?
No, but if you keep doing it may mean that you're hypo-critical of yourself.
What does that mean, mom?
It's means you're not taking a careful look at how to live up to your own values more often. And, to think about what might be happening when someone else doesn't always live up to his values. I don't think you're being hypocritical when you don't meet your own standards every time. I don't your principal is, either.
That's really a good lesson for me. To demand more of myself and be a little less demanding of others. Thank you for helping me, mom.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, has been working with parents for over 30 years. He can be reached at 718-344-6575. Men's and women's groups now available. Call for details.
