"Why?" - NOT Part 4
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Dad, I didn't mean to knock over the Kiddush cup, and I really feel bad that mom started to cry. I just get so angry at Shloime when he makes fun of mitzvos. I know I shouldn't have pushed him but I can't stand it when he does that. I told him to stop but he just ignored me. I hate that!
This conversation is taking place in a sunny corner of the dining room on Shabbos afternoon. The other children are out playing with friends, and mom is taking a nap. While calmly sipping on their lemonade, Danny and his dad are working together to move from frustration to success, and from disappointment to nachas, respectively. Danny has been frustrated with Shloime and dad has been disappointed in Danny. Let's listen to more of their conversation.
So it really bothers you, Danny, when Shloime sings Shalom Aleichem in that silly voice. It's like he is making fun of the mitzvah. You really wish he would sing it in a more respectful way.
At this point, dad waited to hear what Danny had to say. Dad did not tell Danny that singing Shalom Aleichem isn't really a mitzvah, and he didn't explain to Danny that since Shloime is very young we have to be more tolerant of him. Dad didn't tell Danny anything, he just made it clear to that him that he was listening carefully to what Danny was saying. Then dad sat quietly, patiently waiting while Danny thought about what he wanted to say next. Thirty seconds feels like a very long time when you're sitting silently, respectfully allowing someone to gather their thoughts. When Danny finally spoke, dad knew it had been worth the wait.
I guess I shouldn't get that upset with him, he's a little kid. I understand that we're singing Shalom Aleichem to greet the Shabbos malachim, but for him it's just another song. You know what dad; I'm going to cut him a lot more slack. I'm really going to try to focus on what Shalom Aleichem means to me, and then I won't even notice how he's singing it. And dad…this was a really good conversation, thanks for helping me figure this out!
Dad really did help Danny figure it out. Dad gave Danny two vital tools with which to work on his problem: time and confidence. Dad provided Danny some quiet, relaxed time with no interruptions and no distractions, enhanced by dad's patient, soothing presence. Then, dad listened, acknowledged what he heard, and waited quietly while Danny pondered his dilemma. Dad was silent. Danny heard him loud and clear, and his confidence grew as he realized that his father trusted him to analyze his problem and identify solutions rather than needing to be told what to do.
The mishna in Avos says, al t'hi dan yechidi, usually translated as, "don't judge a case by yourself." The ben Ish Chai writes that this also means when you see or hear something, don't assume that your first interpretation is the only possible one. Think about what else it could mean, what else could be happening. If you aren't able to judge someone else's behavior in a favorable light, don't assume there isn't one. Ask them, "what did you mean by that," in a curious tone of voice, rather than, "why did you do that," spoken critically.
Dad invited Danny to think about Shloime's behavior, and Danny was able, on his own, with dad's support, to think about Shloime's behavior in a more favorable way.
It was a typical Friday night seudah, yet better in a way. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice. Danny didn't tell him to stop. He smiled at his little brother, knowing that someday he too would understand how special it is to welcome the Shabbos melachim to their home.
I have never identified Danny's age. That's because I have found that young children, adolescents, and teenagers, given the opportunity, come up with wonderful ideas and solutions. One mom told me she was stunned when she presented her 3 year old daughter with a dilemma, and her child came up with an idea that worked really well. Give your child a chance. He'll appreciate your confidence in him, and you'll enjoy the nachas.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 3
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Shloime started to sing Shalom Aleichem in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't, so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine.
Dad knows what NOT to do at this point. He knows not to ask Danny why he pushed his brother. First of all dad already knows why Danny pushed his brother; he pushed him because he was upset with him. Secondly, dad knows that there is no acceptable answer to the question, "why did you do that?" It would not be at all helpful to ask Danny why he did what he did.
Interestingly, dad and Danny share the exact same predicament. They're both trying to address something they don't like, they both know what not to do or say, and they both don't know what to do or say instead! Children very often repeat behaviors that parents don't like, even after they've been told not to do it again. Sometimes, this is because they don't know what else to do, and it's very difficult to do nothing. Every Shabbos morning we say the posuk, sur mai'ra v'asaih tov, "turn from evil and do good." I believe this implies that the way to turn from evil in a lasting way is to do something else that is good. That's because if you just turn from evil and you don't replace it, sooner or later you'll probably end up there again.
The role of a parent is to discipline children. The word "discipline" is derived from the Latin discipere - to grasp intellectually, analyze thoroughly. So the primary role of a parent is not to make children turn from evil by punishing them. That might make them turn from evil but it doesn't analyze what is drawing them to the evil and it doesn't help them grasp intellectually what to do instead the next time they are drawn to it. So they return to it, they make the same mistake again, or apologize again, and perhaps get punished the same way again. That's what's been happening to Danny, and both he and dad would like to stop going around this circle.
Let's see how to help dad to break out of the vicious cycle of punishing Danny for inappropriate behavior only to have Danny repeat the same behavior again. Then we'll see how dad can help Danny with Danny's frustration over Shloime's behaviors. The goal here is to reverse the direction and nature of the flow. Danny becomes frustrated and annoyed when Shloime refuses to stop singing his silly song. Then dad becomes frustrated and annoyed with Danny for pushing Shloime. It's a flow of frustration and annoyance proceeding from Shloime through Danny to dad. In order to reverse the flow and the tone, dad will slow down long enough to analyze the situation, and use his intelligence to identify an asiah tov, a better alternative for himself when he is does not like what Danny did, rather than asking "why did you do it." In this case, the analysis is that Danny probably doesn't know what else to do. The obvious alternative is to use dad's intelligence to figure out what Danny should do instead. But I have a better one.
I would prefer that dad present his analysis to Danny, and invite Danny to use his intelligence to come up with an alternative that is acceptable to dad. I am often impressed with the ideas that children come up with, and they are more likely to be invested in an idea that was their own.
Remember, this conversation is taking place when both dad and Danny are calm.
Here's what it sounds like:
Danny, you seemed really upset with Shloime when he was singing that silly way and you asked him not to and he kept on doing it. What could you do next time you're upset with him for singing that way, instead of pushing him?
I don't know.
Yes, I hear you asking me, so what did we accomplish, that's the answer we got when we asked "why did you do that."
There is a very big difference. This time, Danny does not have any answers to dad's question, but given time, he'll probably come up with some. Instead of racing around the same circle and going nowhere, when dad and Danny slow down and listen to each other, they will eventually get much further. What does dad do in the meantime? IYH we'll explore that in our next article.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parent Mentoring for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 2
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
It was an all too typical Friday night seudah. Baila asked her father to sing Shalom Aleichem slowly so she could keep up. Devoiry whined that it's going to be boring, he should sing it fast. Shloime started to sing it in a silly voice and Danny told him to stop, but he didn't so Danny pushed him and he fell back into the table, knocking over the Kiddush cup that had just been filled with wine. Mom went to get napkins while fighting back tears. Dad asked Danny a question he'd asked many times before, and he got the same answer.
Danny, why did you do that?
I don't know.
First, let's analyze this futile exchange. Then we'll explore the veracity of Danny's answer, and finally, with the help of a mishna in Pirkei Avos, help dad to identify a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
Dad asked Danny a "why" question. Why questions seldom lead to good conversations, because they put the recipient of the question on the defensive. When you ask someone why they did something, they are expected to justify what they did. That works out fine if the questioner is curious about the justification and the recipient of the question has one. For example, "why did you just drive the car across the street?" "Because of alternate side of the street parking tomorrow." "Oh, okay."
It doesn't work that well when dad asks Danny "why did you do that?" Think about it. What is the answer that Danny can say to his father, to which his father would reply, "oh, okay." Don't think about it too long. There is nothing that Danny can say to his father in response to the question "why did you do that" that dad will consider acceptable. That's the futility of the exchange.
What do I mean by "the veracity of Danny's answer?" Danny's answer is truthful. Danny is not saying that he does not know why he pushed Shloime. In fact, not only does Danny know why he pushed Shloime, dad also knows why he pushed Shloime, which is the second problem with dad's question. Not only is there no acceptable answer; dad already knows the answer: Danny pushed Shloime because he was upset with him! But that's not acceptable. Therefore, Danny truthfully said, "I don't know," meaning, "I don't know what to say to you that you will find acceptable." What else does dad wish he would have said?
Does dad wish Danny would say, "I'm sorry, I should not have pushed him?" I guess that dad might be content with that once or twice, but I suspect after a while dad won't want to hear that either. At that point, Danny will still be getting upset with Shloime, and dad will still be annoyed with Danny and we are all ready for some help from the mishna.
Al tirazeh es chaveracha b'shas kaasoh. "Do not attempt to soothe someone when they are angry." The Tiferes Yisroel says that this applies not only to anger but to any intense emotional experience, and he writes that attempting to help someone too soon not only will not help but will make things worse. However, the pasuk says, panay yaleichu v'hanichosi lach, "when my anger subsides I will help you," implying that while we can't help someone when they and we are very upset, we should seek to help them when we've all calmed down.
Here's how the mishna would apply in our situation. The next time that Danny pushes Shloime, dad would realize that both he and Danny are now upset about something, and therefore this is not the time to work on it. Dad takes a deep breath, reminds himself that no one is in any danger, and says to Danny, "I would like to speak with you, IYH, Shabbos afternoon." It would be even better if dad could make a specific time and place to have this conversation with no one else around and no other topics. In other words this conversation is about what Danny can do when he is upset with Shloime, and not about cooperating with clearing the table or hanging up his dovening jacket or anything else. No gilgul shavua, just one topic at a time.
During this conversation, rather than lecturing, explaining, or correcting, dad will ask a different question that will get both of them a better outcome next time around.
IYH in a future article we will discuss how to formulate and express that question.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
"Why?" - NOT Part 1
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
As Pesach approaches, I am reminded of the perhaps apocryphal but nonetheless amusing story of the knighting ceremony for Sir Moses Montefiore. When Queen Victoria touched the sword to his shoulder and dubbed him "Sir Moses," the expected Latin response escaped his mind. Panic stricken, he blurted out, "mah nishtana ha-layla hazeh mikal ha-lailos." The puzzled Queen turned to her aide and asked, "why is this knight different from all the others?"
I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Queen Victoria translated the Hebrew sentence the way that she did. Many of us were taught to translate it this same way. I'm not sure this is an accurate translation. I am sure it can be a problematic one.
Mah tovu oholecha Yaakov clearly does not mean, "why are your tents good, Yaakov?" In fact, it isn't a question at all, it's a statement of observation: how wonderful are your tents, Yaakov! It would appear more accurate, therefore, to also translate the famous expression "mah nishtana" as a statement of observation: how different this night is from all other nights!
The following so-called "four questions" are actually the observations that explain the exclamation, "how different this night is!" In fact, the Hebrew/Yiddish term for these examples is not "the 4 shailos," or "questions." They are called "the 4 kashyos," four things that are unusual or difficult to understand.
That's why I believe the translation "why is this night different" is not as accurate. But even if it isn't as accurate, what's the problem? Is there any harm in translating it this way?
On all other nights, maybe not. But the Pesach seder is the quintessential chinuch opportunity and it's important that we do it right. Everything about the Pesach seder informs parents how to teach our children. Let's look at three fundamental lessons that the Seder teaches us about how to teach our children.
1. Teach by example. The Rambam tells us that we have to show ourselves that we were freed from bondage. We do this by all of the behaviors we engage in the course of the Seder, and we invite our children to join us in what we are doing, rather than telling them what they should do.
2. Make sure that expectations are concrete, and celebrate success. We drink specific amounts of wine, and eat specific amounts of matzo and maror. Then, knowing that we have succeeded because we knew what the expectations were, we celebrate our success with chasal siddur pesach.
3. Talk about the elephant in the living room. When things are different, invite children to express their surprise rather than hoping they won't notice, or saying to them, "because I said so." Teach children how to express themselves appropriately when they don't understand something.
Which brings us to my problem with the word "why." When a child looks at the anomalies of the Seder night and says, "why are you doing all this?" the haggada labels him the rasha. That's because the word "why" demands explanation and justification and puts the recipient on the defensive. While it is clearly inappropriate for a child to put a parent on the defensive, it is seldom helpful for a parent to put a child on the defensive. When instead, a child expresses puzzlement at the unusual foods and format of the Seder, and asks for additional information to help him or her understand it, chinuch begins, and you teach him everything right through the laws of the afikomen.
Similarly, when a child disappoints us, it is seldom helpful to ask the child why he or she did what they did. Often, their answer is, "I don't know." G-d willing, in a future article, we will explore what they really mean by that answer, and how to avoid getting it.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC, is the Director of Parenting Mentor for Agudath Israel's Project YES. He has worked with hundreds of parents from around the world.
He also works with educators in 18 schools offering guidance on how to connect with children.
Rabbi Ackerman has a private practice specializing in family, couples, parenting, and pre-marital counseling, and can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Parents spend a lot time preparing their home for Pesach. I hope you will also spend time preparing your children for Pesach.
How do you pique your childâs interest in a discussion about Pesach? I suggest that you ask your child what itâs like to be bossed around all the time, made to do things you donât want to do and that are too hard for you. He probably knows what thatâs like. Then ask him what itâs like when he finally gets to do whatever he feels like doing. If he says âthat has never happened,â donât argue or give examples of when you think it did happen. Accept his perception of reality and ask him what he would do if that did ever happen. Then ask him what happens when you do whatever you want but there are no rules; how do you know how to play, how to get along, what works best to get the things you want?
Now you can say, âthe Yidden in Mitzrayim were bossed around all the time, made to do things they didnât want to do and that were too hard for them. Then Hashem freed them and they needed to know what to do with all that freedom and this is why Hashem gave us the Torah, so weâd know what to do when we have freedom and choices.â
I hope your children donât perceive of the time they spend in school as âslavery.â School, nonetheless, provides them structured time with specific places to be and things to do. They now have all this âfreedomâ from school, and they may not know what to do with it or where you wish theyâd do it.
The timing is awful. Just when youâre at your busiest with all of the cleaning, shopping, and cooking, thatâs when your children are off from school, seeking your attention. Even when (or should I say âifâ) your work is done for the day, youâre exhausted and find it hard to be available to your children.
Your children have much more time on their hands just when you have even less time for them. Itâs a recipe for failure, unless you plan for success. Hereâs how.
Sit down with each of your children in advance. Expect to spend between two to five minutes with each child. Thatâs really all you and they need to make some plans.
Sitting in a quiet, calm place with each child.
Explain that there will be times while thereâs no school that you wonât be available to spend time with her. Tell her what you would like her to help you with, when, and for how long. Ask her what activities she would like to do when youâre not available to spend time with her. With whom would she like to spend time, who can make the arrangements, what books, games, crafts, and equipment will help her stay busy while youâre unusually busy.
Remember that planning activities is better done with children rather than for them.
Even after careful planning for a calm Pesach preparation session, a child may need your attention. When you perceive this need for attention as âmisbehavior,â you might become angry. Coping with anger during Pesach preparations is addressed in HaSeder HaAruch, who writes the following
A person must know that anger and harsh rebuke are always forbidden. âAnyone who becomes angry is considered as though he had committed idolatry.â (Rambam hilchos daos 2:3 based on Talmud Shabbos 105b) Just as we must guard against chometz when baking matza, so must we guard against anger lest our matza be a mitzva haba bâaveira. (chapter 24 paragraph 6, my translation)
The Sefer HaChinuch in mitzva 16 writes that our thoughts and feelings are influenced by our actions. The actions we perform in the fulfillment of mitzvos are designed to focus our thoughts and stimulate our feelings. When we engage in mitzvos that remind us of the kindnesses and wonders that Hashem has done for us, we feel grateful and we realize that it is appropriate to express appreciation. Thus the activities we perform at the Seder naturally lead us to the thoughts and feelings we express in Hallel. The Chinuch writes this in the course of his discussion of the commandment not to break any bone of the korban Pesaach. There is another context in which breaking something is significant.
I mentioned that the Rambam describes someone who becomes angry as being tantamount to worshipping an idol. The gemara, however, equates anger with idolatry only when, in expressing the anger, the person breaks a vessel. Why doesnât the Rambam make this distinction? The Seder HaAruch posits that the Rambam wants to teach us that anger can lead to breakage indirectly and insidiously, even when the damage isnât immediately evident.
Our children are vessels, they are the kli machazik of our Torah, the repository of our future. When we speak to them in anger, we risk damage to that vessel that is the soul of our child; damage that may not be evident, but is painful just the same.
Every couple of hours, while youâre preparing for Pesach, sit down with a child for just a minute or two. Smile, sigh, and say, âhi, how are you doing?â The bracha for you and your child in those few moments may not be evident, but it is real just the same.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
One last comment from Rav Yisroel Salanter. He described the person who in rushing to his seat in Shul, bumps into a fellow Jew and does not apologize. Rav Yisroel effectively described this as âYotza Scharo BâHefsedoâ. (He has lost any gain he might have had.) The application of the above discussion to the YouTube incident described above is., I believe, self-evident. Every situation in family matters is unique. One size does not fit all in these delicate and charged Get matters. May we all be guided by our leaders and teachers
Rabbi Martin Rosenfeld is a Divorce Mediator in Fair Lawn,NJ. He can be contacted at: [email protected]
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This is the last of a series of articles that began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
As weâve seen in the past articles, the first three statements are inaccurate.
The fourth one may be dangerous for your child.
Noted parent educator and author Elizabeth Crary wrote: Children who recognize and trust their feelings are more able to resist uncomfortable touch. You can model talking about your feelings. Avoid labeling feelings as good or bad â feelings are neither good nor bad. Avoid discounting feelings â âYou donât hate your brother,â or âYou shouldnât feel mad about a little thing like that.â
[Pick Up Your Socks...and Other Skills Growing Children Need; Parenting Press, Inc. 1990; page 106 (Teaching Personal Safety Summary Sheet)]
I have had parents tell me that they know how important it is to validate their childâs feelings. Hereâs an example:
My son Menachem told me that his brother Yoni took Menachemâs camera without his permission and left it at the playground and now itâs lost. Menachem said, âhe always takes my things no matter how many times I tell him not to, and you can make him buy me a new one, but Iâll never get back the pictures that I took while we were on vacation. I hate him!â I validated Menacheâs feelings, I said, âyou sound really angry, but Iâm sure you donât really hate your brother, now do you?â
This particular momâs version of validating her sonâs feelings was to inform him that she is aware of what he is feeling and that what heâs feeling is not appropriate. Unfortunately, many parents seem to understand validating in the same way that this mother did. Telling your child that you know how he feels and he has no right to feel that way is not validating his feelings. What youâre actually doing is expressing your displeasure and discomfort with the feelings your child just expressed. Your child is now supposed to stop feeling what he just told you he was feeling so that you wonât feel displeasure and discomfort. What you described as validating was actually discounting your childâs feelings and expecting him to validate yours.
I explained to this mom that it would be more helpful for her to think about recognizing and respecting her sonâs feelings as genuine without correcting or judging them. She was not sure she liked this idea.
So Iâm supposed to agree that Menachem should hate his brother for what happened?
No, accepting your child's feelings doesn't mean you agree with his feelings. It means that you are interested in and respectful of how he feels. When the Torah teaches us âlo tisneh es acheecha bâlvavechaâ the targum Yonasan ben Uziel translates it to mean that we shouldnât sound happy with someone while feeling hatred toward them. Rabi Yitzchak miKorvil, the SMaK, is more explicit. He wrote, âdonât hate him in your heart while showing him a pleasant countenance; make clear to him your hatred.â [MiMayanos haNetzach, Vayikra, page 78]
I thought youâre only supposed to hate someone who did an aveira and repeated it after you give him tochacha?
Yes, and you said that Menachem has repeatedly asked Yoni not to take his things without his permission. What would you prefer? Would you like Menachem to hide his feelings from you? I think itâs much healthier for him to express himself to you. If you continue to tell him that his feelings are unacceptable, it may be that heâll stop feeling that way. I think itâs far more likely that the next time he feels that way he will make sure not to tell you. Are you sure thatâs what you would prefer?
So Iâm supposed to feel okay with him hating his brother?
No. I donât expect you to be okay with his hating his brother. What I would wish you would realize is that his telling you that he hates his brother may imply that he is not okay with it either and heâs turning to you to let him speak it out so he can get past it. Let him express his anger, his frustration, his resentment, rather than being ashamed of feeling that way sometimes, which is what you do to him when you tell him that he mustnât hate his brother. Help him learn to cope with his feelings and express them appropriately.
Rivkie was having trouble coping with her feelings. She expressed herself by telling her son Menachem that he had to stop hating his brother because she couldnât stand how it made her feel. Rivkie was so caught up in how terrible it was for her to hear that Menachem hated his brother that she missed the message within his words, the message that he felt bad about hating his brother. She wasnât able to help Menachem, and ending up making him feel worse about himself so she could feel better about herself.
The danger in this entire scenario is that Menachem might learn to tolerate mistreatment rather than trusting his instincts and emotions. He might decide that telling his mother that he is angry with someone for touching him inappropriately will upset her; he isnât allowed to hate someone for causing him harm. Rather than telling his father or another trusted adult, he might internalize the message that it is bad to hate anyone, and you have to accept what you receive, even when it makes you uncomfortable.
Telling Menachem not to hate his brother for losing his camera could lead him to accept inappropriate touch? Are those in any way comparable? Perhaps for you, an adult, the violation of your property and the violation of your personal space are two very different things. For a 10 year old, they might not be.
Teach your child to listen to the messages his emotions provide to him, to share them with you, and to express himself in ways that respect himself and others.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
This series of articles began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Over the past two weeks, weâve discussed the inaccuracy of the first two.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the third one, and what to say instead.
Letâs begin by exploring the contrast between anger and three other emotions as addressed in Pirkei Avos.
Rabbi Eleazar ha-Kappar used to say: Jealousy, lust and [the desire for] honor put a man out of the world. [4:28]
What about anger? Why isnât anger in that list? And what does Pirkei Avos teach us about anger?
Rabbi Eliezer used to say: do not be easy to anger. [2:10]
There are four types of temperaments. One who is easily angered and easily appeased: his shortcoming overrides his virtue. One whom it is difficult to anger and difficult to appease: his virtue overrides his shortcoming. One whom it is difficult to anger and is easily appease is a chassid. One who is easily angered and is difficult to appease is wicked. [5:14]
The Torah is acquired with 48 ways. These are: ... slowness to anger. [6:6]
There is no Mishna that prescribes moderation in jealousy, lust or the desire for honor. We are not taught to be slow to become jealous, and no virtue is accorded to one whose lust is seldom aroused. Conversely, there is no Mishna that warns us against anger in the categorical terms reserved for the other three.
The reason for this is that there is nothing categorically wrong with the feeling of anger. We may go very wrong in how we express our anger, but thereâs nothing wrong with feeling angry sometimes.
The feeling we describe as anger is an internal message that something is not the way we would like it to be. It may be something that someone said or did, and it may be something we are angry about at ourselves. Like most emotions, anger is a catalyst for action. In other words, anger is an emotional reaction to something we have experienced and it drives us to do something in response.
Rochel loves to play morah. She sets up four chairs next to each other and puts a doll onto each of the chairs. Then she very gently explains things to them that she had learned in her first grade classroom earlier that day. Itâs really quite adorable to watch, until her three-year-old brother walks into the room. Mendy likes nothing better than to tip each of the chairs until the doll falls onto the floor. For some reason he finds that absolutely hilarious. Not surprisingly, Rochel does not share in the glee. I can understand her being unhappy about it; what I donât understand is why she gets so angry about it. Itâs bad enough when she screams at him at the top of her lungs. Very often pushes him until he falls down. When I ask her why did you push him and knock him down, she says, âBecause he pushed the chairs and knocked my dolls down so I knocked him down.â So then I say to her, âwould you like it if I knocked you down onto the floor now because you knocked your brother down onto the floor?â and sheâs says no. More recently, sheâs tried to explain to me why itâs not the same thing. She tells me the she had a reason to knock him down because he knocked her dolls down for no reason but I donât have a reason to knock her down because she did have a reason for knocking him down, and all of this seems to make perfect sense to her. I keep telling her that none of this would happen if she would just stop getting so very angry at her brother for knocking her dolls off of the chairs onto the floor. I even said to her, âdid any of your dolls ever get broken, did any of their clothing ever get torn, why you make such a big deal out of it, why must you get so angry, you shouldnât get so angry!â
Whoa, as you are telling that over to me you sound a bit angry yourself. How do you sound when you say that to Rochel?
I probably sound pretty angry because Iâve been through this with her so many times and I canât seem to get anywhere.
I see. And if I were to say to you, âyou shouldnât get so angry!â how do you imagine that would be helpful for you?
Youâre right, it wouldnât be helpful to me at all. So how do I get her to stop getting so angry?
I donât know that you need to get her to stop getting so angry. I would rather you help her figure out what to say and what to do when she is that angry instead of what sheâs been doing up until now. Even though none of her dolls has been broken or torn, her pretend play has been interrupted and I can imagine that thatâs very annoying for her, especially since it sounds like it happens pretty often. Are you suggesting that Rochel have no reaction to Mendyâs disruptive behavior, that she should calmly accept his intrusions?
No. I see what you mean. Itâs not that she should not get so angry, itâs that I want her to do something different to respond when she is angry at him instead of what sheâs been doing up until now.
My conversation with his mom was now about how to help Rochel figure out how to respond to her brotherâs annoying behavior in a way that mom considers acceptable, rather than accepting annoying behavior with equanimity.
When you say to Rochel, âI understand that you become angry when Mendy knocks your dolls onto the floor, and I donât want you to push him. What could you do instead of pushing him,â what do you think Rochel will say to you?
Sheâll probably say âI donât know what else to do.â Then what?
Then say to her, âPlease think about it, and beâezras Hashem weâll talk about it some more tomorrow.â Slow down. Give her a chance to think. And make sure you sit down with her the next day to continue your conversation.
Over the course of our conversation, mom mentioned the fourth of the statements weâre discussing in this series of articles, âYou donât hate your brother.â
Thatâs a hard one, and it can be dangerous if mishandled. G-d willing next week, weâll see how.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Last weekâs article began with four statements.
I canât let him see me cry.
You made mommy sad.
You shouldnât get so angry.
You donât hate your brother.
One of these four statements may actually be dangerous for your child. The other three are simply inaccurate. Last week we discussed the inaccuracy of the first one.
This week weâll see what is inaccurate about the second one, and what to say instead.
First, a brief digression.
Hillel taught us dâalach sni lâchavrach lo saavid, if you donât like something done to you, donât do it to someone else. (Shabbos 31a)
Hereâs what a mom said about her 3 year old daughter:
If I tell her not to do something, or
that she needs to do something she doesn't want to do, she says "You make
me sad, mama."
It really annoys me when she says that.
Some children may find it similarly annoying. Many children feel guilty, not annoyed, when told that they have made their mother sad. Whether it induces anger or guilt in your child, it clearly isnât something you want done to you, so donât do it to your child.
Now, back to the issue of inaccuracy. It may be true that something that your child said or did resulted in your feeling sad. I hope it is not true that your child made you sad, that his very being is unpleasant for you. Iâm sure you wouldnât have meant it that way but thatâs how you come across when you say âyou made me sad.â
Parents express anger towards their children more often than they express sadness. Thatâs because parents more readily express anger than sadness. Itâs also because anger is frequent.
R. Ila'i said: By three things may a person's character be determined: bâkoeso, bâkeeso, uâbkaaso. By his wine cup, by his wallet, and by his anger. Eruvin (65b)
Rashi explains that kâoeso means what he is like when he has been drinking (should we have more shidduch dates on Purim?), keeso refers to his integrity in business dealings, and kaaso means not to be insistent on more things than is appropriate (shâaino kapdan yosair miâdaiy). One musar haskale for parents is not to insist on too much; it results in anger.
The Ben Ish Chai pointed out something else. He wrote that the sequence is listed in order of less frequent to more frequent. âOn any given day you cannot tell what a person is like when heâs been drinking because on most days people donât drink all that much. You can tell what a person is like in his business dealings on any given day, but only in the daytime and not at night and not on Shabbos or Yom Tov. But anger you can observe day or night and even on Shabbos or Yom Tov.â (Ben Yehoyada)
Given that you may frequently get angry at your children it is important that you express anger appropriately. âYou made me angryâ is not appropriate.
Dr. Haim Ginott explained:
For parents, anger is a costly emotion: to be worth its price it should not be employed without profit⦠Anger should so come out that it brings some relief to the parent, some insight to the child, and no harmful side effects to either of themâ¦
Except for one safeguard, we are entitled to express what we feel. We can express our angry feelings provided we do not attack the child's personality or character.
When you say âyou made me angryâ you are attacking a childâs personality or character. Youâre telling him something about him, not what he did.
When you say instead, âI am angry that you did that,â you are expressing your emotion about what happened. That moves the focus to behavioral alternatives, and more naturally leads to a discussion of what you would rather he do next time.
Dr. Ginott didnât suggest that you never express anger. He suggested that you express it clearly and sometimes quite strongly.
He gave the following example:
When I call you for dinner and you don't come, I get angry. I get very angry. I say to myself, 'I cooked a good meal and I want some appreciation, not frustraÂtion!'
Dr. Ginott explained:
This approach allows parents to give vent to their anger without causing damage. On the contrary, it may even illustrate an important lesson in how to express anger safely. The child may learn that his own anger is not catastrophic, that it can be discharged without destroying anyone. This lesson will require more than just expression of anger by parents. It will require that parents point out to their children acceptable channels of emotional expression and demonstrate to them safe and respectable ways of liquidating anger.
[From: Ginott, Haim; Between Parent and Child: New Solutions to Old Problems; Macmillan, 1965; pages 50-52.]
I hope it is not true that your child makes you sad, that her very being is unpleasant for you.
I feel terrible saying it out loud, but my husband knows itâs true. He has much more patience and compassion for our youngest daughter than I do. I can feel myself tensing up when her school bus pulls up to bring her home. Iâll send her to school when sheâs not feeling well in a way that I would let my other children stay home; I just canât have her around all day.
Yes, Rabbi Ackerman, my wife has told me that before. Is it normal for a mother to say she canât stand having her child around?
I didnât answer his question. Iâm not sure if the thoughts and feelings his wife expressed are common enough to be considered normal. Iâm pretty sure he wouldnât be happy about his wife feeling that way even if it were common. And I was positive that her saying it out loud to her husband and me, while beginning to cry, was a sign that she wanted to learn what to do to heal her relationship with her youngest child. BâH, over many weeks, she did.
I wonât go into how we did the work we did. I will tell you that I never said to her, âYou shouldnât get so angry.â
More on that, G-d willing, next week.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Article appeared frequently on ways to optimize the use of Google in internet searches. One suggested use: Use Google to find out what time it is in any spot around the world. Surely a valuable tool. In my musings, I pondered whether there is any method known to humankind that can tell us where we are. How do we know how we are faring in the human search for self-realization and meaning.
For the most part, the answer to this question will lie with the theologians and philosophers. However, if you need a good self-test I would suggest the following: When you confront a difficult time, decision, etc. resist the temptation to fight or confront the other party. Brute force, intimidations, et al are not always the answer. Try meaningful dialogue and discussion. Learn how to speak and how to listen. How can one come to this point? You cal learn from your neighborhood mediator, therapist,etc. A mediator will try to guide the parties to sharing information, learning to listen, and learning how to speak. These skills will serve you well in life. Want to know where you are in life, next time a crisis looms? Dialogue. Listen. Share information. You will not be disappointed with the results.
Rabbi Martin Rosenfeld is a Fair Lawn mediator, attorney, and former Menahel.
What do all these folks have in common?An individual in recovery. An individual who impacted her life in very positive ways. She has set an example for others, despite the challenges of her and those around her. An aspiring community leader. A future mental health clinician. All work together in an extremely empowering work environment. They work together to perform very mundane tasks. The special energy is this office comes from the head of the office. He empowers his employees to be their best- within their assigned office tasks. Often- this positive feeling may last beyond the office space. Results included motivated employees and high production.
How does one get such high production rates from such a diverse team?
Treat people like they are somebody- Do we ever treat people or refer to them in ways that will cause them to grow? Can an individual struggling with weight loss appreciate being treated as if sheâs met her goal? Can a child with behavior issues be spoken to like a âgood boy,â so he views himself as such? Can a grad student be referred to as a professional? What are the implications of being treated as such?
Find something nice to say- Did you ever tell the receptionist that her job is probably one of the most important jobs in the clinic? She/heâs the first one individuals see when they come into an office. Did you ever notice how hard someone worked? When interacting with people- take a moment to notice one positive thing about them. Everyone has something to accomplish
Raise the bar- Find something positive and empowering about even the most mundane tasks. With the right perspective- any individual can feel elevated. Because the sanitation picked up your garbage- you can enjoy a clean yard.
Share your empowering moment below!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I received what I consider the highest compliment a father can receive from his 16 year old son. At one point during a long trip I asked him if he wanted me to put in a disc to play. He said, âNo, Iâd rather talk to you.â
I know and realize how much you have helped me grow and change certain perspectives, especially regarding my relationships with my children.
When I received that letter, I felt tremendous admiration for a man, a father of teenagers, who had the humility to seek help, the willingness to grow and change, and the kindness to express his appreciation.
Many parents ask for âmethodsâ that I can teach them to âget my kids to doâ whatever they wish their kids would do. I do teach methods, but they donât work unless there is an example to emulate. The word âmethodâ is derived from the Latin roots meta and hodos which mean to follow a way of traveling. If you are dismissive and rigid, your child will probably follow you and be just as unyielding. If you are respectful, your guidance will more likely be heeded.
Eventually.
At least you will have followed the methods of our sages rather than abandoning them, ironically, in the service of bringing your child back to them.
Here are some illustrations:
There was once a great Chassidic Rebbe whose son unfortunately did not follow the proper path of the Torah. Eventually his manner of behavior, speech, and dress all reflected his downward spiritual spiral. He did, however, make a point of attending all public functions at which his holy father officiated. The chasidim were very displeased with this and felt it was an affront to the Rebbe to have his son in attendance, considering the very visible spiritual deviation of the son. They did not have the courage to approach the Rebbe with this matter. They held a meeting and decided that an elderly, scholarly chosid should approach the Rebbe as a representative of all his followers to suggest that the Rebbe's son not be allowed to attend tishen, etc.
With trepidation the chosid came to the door of the Rebbe's study and was about to knock when he heard a cry emanate from the room. He heard the Rebbe say, "Hashem, You know how much I suffer from my son's deviating from the proper path, and how much more I suffer when I see him on a constant basis, not looking or acting as a proper Torah-true Jew should. Yet I, a mere human being, don't banish him from my presence. You, Hashem, have endless patience. Why do You exile Your children from Your presence in the Holy Land?" Needless to say, the chosid never brought up the matter with the Rebbe.
In a similar vein, Rebbi Meir of Premishlan explains a gemara Shabbos 89b that explains the verse in Yeshayohu 63:16, "Ki atoh ovinu" with the following story. Hashem approached Avrohom and told him that his children have sinned. Avrohom responded that they should be destroyed and this would create a sanctification of Hashem as everyone would see that transgressors are strongly punished. Hashem then raised this same point to Yaakov and received the same response. He then approached Yitzchok who responded that they are Hashem's children and responsibility as well, and should be forgiven. Yitzchok even took upon himself responsibility for their sins.
It is ironic that Yitzchok who represented "pachad Yitzchok," stringent judgment, was the only one who responded favorably. Why wasn't Avrohom, who was the pillar of mercy, or Yaakov, able to respond as Yitzchok did? Rebbi Meir of Premishlan answers that only Yitzchok was capable of responding favorably in the face of sin, because only Yitzchok kept his wayward son in his presence, in spite of suffering immensely from him, even to the point that he was blinded by the smoke of the incense offered to idol worship in his home by his daughters-in-law.*
*From: CHAMISHOH
MI YODEI'A - FIVE QUESTIONS ON THE WEEKLY SEDRAH - PARSHAS TOLDOS 5770 by
Zvi Akiva Fleisher; This article is provided as part of Shema Yisrael Torah
Network Permission is granted to redistribute electronically or on paper, provided
that this notice is included intact. For
information on subscriptions, archives, and other Shema Yisrael Classes, send
mail to [email protected]; http://www.shemayisrael.co.il
Jerusalem, Israel
I felt tremendous admiration for a man who had the humility to seek help, the willingness to grow and change, and the kindness to express his appreciation.
I felt true anguish for the man who informed me that he will not permit his 18 year old daughter Blimie to attend her sisterâs vort if she insists on wearing beige tights instead of black. I wondered if he was concerned that Blimie was planning to dress immodestly. I asked him what was immodest about beige opaque tights, and he told me thereâs nothing immodest about them.
But itâs not what the girls in my family wear, itâs not what the girls in the school we sent them to wear, and I will not let her get away with doing whatever she wants.
He and Blimie havenât spoken in a long time. She refuses to speak with him.
I felt anguish for him because he made it clear that it was his way or the highway, and Blimie appears ready to hit the road.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Giving your eye teeth means being prepared to give up something of great value. Where did this expression come from?
As to how a person's canines came to
represent something of great or prohibitive value, I found little to chew on.
However, for a carnivorous animal to lose its eyeteeth would be a disaster. You
could say, for non-human mammals at least, these meat-ripping teeth are a
matter of life and death. So, applying this metaphorically to humans, to give
them away is a very great sacrifice indeed.
(from: WORDS@RANDOM:
The Mavens' Word of the Day)
What about showing someone your eye teeth without actually giving them away, how difficult is that? For some parents, itâs very difficult. It requires smiling sincerely at your child, smiling with your eyes and your teeth, and feeling thankful for his very presence in your life. How can that be difficult? Sometimes itâs difficult because of what he just did. But sometimes itâs difficult because everything is. For sometimes, depression makes everything too hard to take.
Some parents think they hide it well. They think that they grin and bear it and their child thinks theyâre fine. What he more often thinks is that theyâre not fine, and somehow itâs his fault. Many children suffer this way, even when theyâre too young to feel responsible for their parentâs misery.
You are responsible for and capable of preventing your child from becoming similarly miserable. A genetic disposition to depression is just that; a disposition, not a destiny. Here is an excerpt from Daniel Golemanâs book Social Intelligence:
Depression, behavioral geneticists tell us, can be inherited. Much research has tried to calculate the âheritabilityâ of depression-the odds that such a child will herself become depressed at some point in her life. But as [researcher] Michael Meaney points out, children born with a parent prone to bouts of depression inherit not only that parentâs genes but also the depressed parent-who may well act in ways that foster that geneâs expression.
For instance, studies of clinically depressed mothers and their infants reveal that depressed mothers tend to look away from their babies more than others, become angry more often, are more intrusive when their babies need a recovery time-out, and are less warm. Their babies typically make the only protest they know-crying-or seem to give up, becoming apathetic or withdrawnâ¦
A motherâs depression can become the transmission route by which all the personal and social ills bearing down on her affect her child. A motherâs funk, for example, has negative hormonal effects on a child that show up as early as infancy: babies of depressed mothers have higher levels of stress hormones and lower levels of dopamine and serotonin, a chemical profile linked to depression. [page 168]
It isnât only mothers whose depression can affect their child.
One study found an association between paternal depression and excessive infant crying. Another study found that children aged 9 to 24 months with depressed fathers are more likely to show speech and language delays, whereas another study reported that children aged 2 years with depressed fathers tended to be less compliant with parental guidance. Among children aged 4 to 6 years, paternal depression has been found to be associated with increases in problems with prosocial behaviors and peer problems.
[Paternal Depressive Symptoms and Child Behavioral or Emotional Problems in
the United States; Michael Weitzman, David G. Rosenthal and Ying-Hua Liu;
Pediatrics; DOI: 10.1542/peds.2010-3034 originally published online November 7, 2011]
The research makes it clear that having a depressed parent has consequences for children. Parents who are depressed engage less with their children and are more harsh, negative and critical.
Could it be the other way around? Could it be that excessive infant crying, speech and language delays, non-compliance with parental guidance, problems with prosocial behaviors, and peer problems, cause or exacerbate depression in parents? Yes, it could be. Correlation is often more clear than causation, and you canât always tell how a downward spiral started. The downward spiral can stop, no matter where it started or how far it has gone, when a parent overcomes two huge obstacles: Despair and shame.
Despair destroys hope. Why seek help when you canât imagine that anyone or anything could possibly be helpful? Despair precludes hishtadlut. Why invest time and money in treatment when you donât believe that youâre worth the effort?
When a depressed parent finally decides that their child is worth their effort, and pushes through the despair to find a glimmer of hope, they face the second hurdle: shame. Moshe told me he it took him many weeks to overcome it.
Last June, my wife told me that our children were starting to ask her whatâs wrong with me. I told her I wasnât doing anything different, so why did they ask her whatâs wrong? I go to the same minyanim and shiurim, and we sing the same zemiros at the Shabbos table. She said it wasnât about what I was doing that had changed; it was about the look on my face. She said our little one had asked why I never smiled anymore. I had often said Iâd give my eye teeth for my kids; now their eyes never saw my teeth. I didnât even realize it. But once my wife told me that, youâd think I would have done something about it. It took until now, until I read something on the parsha. That really scared me, and pushed me to come and talk with you.
Talking was the help that Moshe needed. BâH he is doing much better.
He read something on the parsha in September, Parshas Nitzavim:
âBehold I have placed before you today life and good; death and evil⦠choose life in order that you and your children shall live.â (Devorim 30:15-19)
Choose life? Is there really an alternative?
The Bais Avraham, quoted in MiâMayanos haâNetzach, explains:
There are two paths in avodas Hashem. One is the path of love and simcha. The other is the path of fear and terror, fear of punishment. The first path is called âlife and good.â The second is called âdeath and unpleasantness.â
Hashem tells man: See before you, two ways to serve Me, both rooted in kedushaâ¦
You can serve me in either of these ways, but I urge you to choose the first way, the way of âlife.â Why? So that your children will follow you.
Moshe realized that although he was secure in his derech of avodas Hashem, even within his depression, his children were not. That realization, that concern for his children, pushed him past his despair and overrode his shame. He gave his eye teeth for his children, and they got back his smile.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
In my former work as a Bais Din Menahel, and in my present work as a Divorce Mediator, I have heard various suggestions and reactions from the people the Gemara Pesachim refers to as âChildren of Neviim.â People who have experienced our Batei Din have varied comments and suggestions that flow from their experiences. I have collected 8 of these below in the hopes that they will lead to some constructive discussion, and will serve as valuable feedback for our Batei Din and communal organizations.
1. Rabbanim will deal, from time to time, with the anguishing tale that comes from an ex-spouse who is dealing with a non-cooperative mate who is not cooperating in the Get process. Rabbanim will advise the spouse and/or parents that for X dollars the mate can be âpersuadedâ to give the Get. While this proposal may âhelpâ a specific individual, it does perpetuate the idea that a Get can be withheld for a financial ransom. The social problem that this creates is quite harmful to our community. Rabbenu Gershom did not wish to be ransomed from non-Jewish extortionists and yet we have, inadvertently, created the same situation in contemporary times, in some situations. Perhaps the time has come to hold a candid discussion as to whether or not such behavior truly furthers the goals of our community.
2. Many people who have had Dinei Torah have lamented the role of âToanimâ (i.e. âadvisorsâ) who prolong the Din Torah process and who will, on occasion, resort to behavior that is far from constructive. There are Batei Din like the Beth Din of America, which have barred the presence of Toanim on halachic and professional grounds. Do we wish our system of Batei Din to grant access to individuals who are neither professionally regulated nor trained for their roles in Dinei Torah? Should Toanim be allowed to be part of the Bais Din process?
3. The number of Gittin given each year is far less than the number of Jewish divorces. Have we done everything possible to reach out to the non-frum members of our community and encourage them to use our Batei Din for the Get process? I have heard many individuals state that they would gladly seek out a Get but they were unsure if they would be well-received by the Batei Din, due to their non-observance. The benefit of such outreach to those less observant would of inestimable help to Klal Yisrael.
4. By the nature of the Bait Din structure, every woman who comes to such a forum will be outnumbered by the number of males in the room. Can we make our Batei Din less foreboding by having these women greeted by female office members and by encouraging them to take a female friend along for support and Chizuk? On occasion, a male will come to the Bais Din and will know one of the rabbanim. He will likely be greeted warmly by this acquaintance. This is less likely to occur when a female enters our Batei Din. These are small items but they require our attention and sensitivity. (When I mediate matters, I always try to be careful to spend my âface timeâ equally divided between the male and female. These are small concerns, but they can make all the difference in how the process is viewed by all parties.)
5. The rise of divorce and litigation in our community, is a warning signal to our leadership. Civility is becoming a lost art. Rabbanim may wish to dedicate drashos, seminars, and communal efforts towards an embrace of messages about positive communication, Shalom Bayis, and proper ways to resolve disputes. Rabbanim may even desire to learn more about mediation techniques and promote use of ADR (Alternate Dispute Resolutionâ.) I stand ready, as do others, to volunteer to train Rabbanim in the basics of mediation theory so that the message of civility is brought to our communal consciousness.
6. There has been a great increase in recent years in the number of frum therapists, social workers, mediators, etc. It would behoove Rabbanim to have formal relationships with such professionals. A Rav once told me that Rav Pam ZTâL had been shown a book written on the topic of marriage and Shalom Bayis. When asked for a haskamah, Rav Pam said he would do so only if the author added the comment, in the book, that if the marriage as in peril, professional help had to be sought. There are many worthy individuals, and organizations, willing to be of assistance in such situations. It is of great importance that such âpartnershipsâ be forged.
7. The cost of litigation has spiraled out-of-sight. The average cost of a contested divorce is estimated to be $20,000. (The cost of divorce in the East is considerably higher due to the higher legal fees charged in this area.) It is a natural choice to allow Batei Din to be the forum for resolving marital and commercial disputes. In order for such rulings to be upheld by secular courts, Batei Din need to have clearly articulated policies and procedures. The effort to universally achieve this is well worth it. Let the Bais Din be the first choice for disputes and not be the choice only when all other options fail. In addition, Batei Din need to get out the message that they stand ready to resolve all disputes that arise in our communities. This message cannot be emphasized enough.
8. Most states require divorcing couples who have children, to take a course. The course focuses on raising children who have been involved in a divorce process. Should not our Batei Din be able to cooperate and develop a similar course from the Torah perspective? In addition, Bais Din personnel can be trained in spotting psychological issues, emotional needs, financial concerns, and need to be prepared to suggest proper referrals for such individuals. There is more to a Get process than having the Sofer write 12 lines. Are we prepared to meet such challenges?
