BY Rabbi Reuven Boshnack MHC limited permit
The three weeks of Bein Hamitzraim are almost upon us. It is often hard to connect with them; sometimes because they are painful and sometimes because we don't understand them. Rav Hutner often referred to the Maharal from Prague as "Meor Einenu, the light of our eyes," He often explains difficult concepts in the Gemara and gives us keys to understand them, and keys\r\nto understand our lives as well. As Bein Hametzarim is a concept found the in Gemara, the Maharal, Kdarko Bakodesh, opens up a world for us in understanding ;(Netzach Yisrael. Chapter 5)
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"The Gemara (Gittin 56a) says the amount of years that the wealthy men of Yerushalaim said that they could support the city, when it was under siege from the Romans,was 21 years. Why 21? The Maharal explains that numbers in Chazal are adjectives, descriptive concepts, not merely expressions of quantity.
So, let's understand, 21 years, is the amount of time that the Nation of Israel could be ruled over by another nation. Once that time had passed, they were no longer concerned. The power that the Romans had to conquer Israel stems from the 21 days in between the Seventeenth of Tammuz and the Ninth day of av. It is these dark, difficult days which are the archetype of difficult times, as the city of Yerushalaim was breached and destroyed with 21 days.
Once that time had passed, then the wealthy men were no longer concerned. Hashem blessed these wealthy individuals to have the ability stand up against the\r\npower of the nations of the world, and to sustain the nation for 21 years, until\r\nthe danger had passed, because their power stems from those 21 days between the seventeenth of Tammuz and the ninth of Av. Once the time has passed, the threat has passed as well.?
Many times in life we have difficult periods,which we need some help to make it through. If we could make it through, we'll be alright. But it looks hard, and we feel, "I just can't do it on my own." We need people, like those rich people of Yerushalaim of old, who can say, "it'll be alright, you can do it." These words, often unlock the potential and power within us, to be able to cope. We don't know our own strength. In tough situations, sit down, take a deep breath in and let it out slowly, say to yourself, "I can do this, Hashem has given me the resilience and fortitude to be able to make it through. Hashem sent my soul into this world, to weather this specific storm."
Sometimes you are in the position to unlock someone else's potential, to be able to reveal the treasures within another person.
During these three weeks, which are tough times,we need to be able to make it through as people who are bigger from the experience. Despite the feeling of being surrounded by trouble, we will make it out, we will survive this exile. The Neviim in the Haftaros, and Moshe Rabenu in Devarim and Vaeschanan (which is read on Tisha B'av) sustain us through thepromises (of Teshuva's effectiveness) and exhortations of Teshuva, to help us through and out of these tough times.
Rabbi Boshnack is the director of the OU's Jewish learning initiative on Campus at Brooklyn College and a Psychotherapist in Dr Johnson's mental health counseling offices in Cedarhurst and Flatbush. He can be reached at [email protected]
Searching for a job? Read on for some tips on making time easier, productive, and accomplished?¦
Resumes There are several resume styles. Whichever template you choose- ensure that it is clear, clean lined, and that everything is spelled consistently and contains correct punctuation. In terms of design, stick to Helvetica or times. Keep it to 1-2 pages. Include relevant experience on your resume to the applied position. Positions not mentioned on a resume may come up in an interview, and shows flexibility but keep it short and sweet.
Sweat the Small Stuff Keep cover letters personal and address specific skills or qualities the company is looking for. Always send a thank-you note or email after the interview. If you don't speak or write English well- get a friend or a professional to write your resume and/or cover letter
Be Prepared Have a voice mail system in place and sign-up for a professional sounding email address. Put your cell phone number on your resume so you can follow up in a timely manner. Always have an up-to-date resume ready to send - even if you are not currently looking for work. A great opportunity may come up at any time
It's Who You Know. Don't be shy about asking contacts either to send e-mails, make a phone call, or check for job listings. Most people are happy to help, as long as requests are short, focused, and reasonable.
Job Listings Web sites likes the OU job board, jewishjobs.com are a good place to start
Create a list of companies in your industry- check their web sites weekly for job listings
Career agencies- There are many agencies that can assist you in finding a job. Schedule interviews with them and follow up with them on a regular basis
Referrals- Create a list of every contact you've had. Most contacts are happy to send an e-mail, make a phone call, or pass on your resume. Try to get the contact to actively send that resume, or make that call. Once a week, go through your list and write status notes
Focused Time- focus time and energy into the opportunities that most interest you and have the best chance of coming to fruition
Interview- Scoring an interview is hard these days. Be prepared to sell yourself- prepare a list of interview questions and type responses. Show interest in the companies that interview you and be prepared to ask questions.
Keeping it together- Set aside a few hours a week, do what you have to do in terms of contacting, emailing, calling, and interviewing. As long as you've done your share, let it go and don't think about it the rest of the week. Keep expectations realistic when a call is returned. Prayer helps! If you live with a spouse and/or family members that are attempting to support you, acknowledge and appreciate their support. Try to be helpful in other ways while around. Your attitude may be contageus.
If you do find you are not getting returned phone calls, or notice a pattern, seek out professional help. Hatzlacha, and please e-mail [email protected] with any specific questions.
Linda Franco is an MSW who is currently searching for a job and will be happy to share what she's learned. E-mail [email protected] with any specific questions.
Rabbi
Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
One of the lessons Ben Azzai teaches
us in Pirkei Avos is al t'hi maflig l'chol davar, which means there is
potential value in everything in Hashem's world (Tiferes Yisrael on Avos 4:3). Maybe we can even derive a musar
haskal from professional sports.
What is the most impressive sports
accomplishment? How would you decide
which trophy is the hardest to win?
Would you base your judgment on the number of teams in the league, the number
of games played during the season, the challenge of a team that is a dynasty or
an exceptional superstar player? All of
those criteria are subjective, and therefore subject to disagreement. What objective criterion could there be?
In most sports, there is a champion
every year. Every year, someone wins the
Davis Cup,
the Stanley Cup, the Superbowl, and the World
Series. How would you determine which of
those is the most impressive achievement?
I would not attempt to.
The most difficult title to win,
perhaps, is the one that no one wins, year after year. Not since Affirmed in 1978 has the Triple
Crown of Racing been awarded. A victory
so seldom achieved is an impressive achievement. And I think there's a musar haskal for
each of us, particularly as parents.
Rabbi Shimon taught: There are
three crowns: the crown of Torah, the crown of kehuna, and the crown of
malchus. (Avos 4:13) There is a triple crown for each of us to aspire to.
How can each of us aspire to all
three crowns? How many of us are
descendants of Dovid Hamelech? How many
of us are kohanim? And if we can only
aspire to the crown of Torah, what is the lesson for us in knowing that there
are 2 other crowns?
According to Rabi Yitzchak Izaak
Chaver, each of the three of the crowns bears significance for every one of
us. The crown of kahuna alludes to
service, the positive mitzvos. The crown
of malchus alludes to self-restraint, the negative mitzvos. The crown of Torah alludes to knowledge, to
learn for the sake of Torah. (Ohr Torah, cited by Misivta Avos, kaftor v'ferach
page 62)
The Ben Ish Chai sees in these three
crowns the antidotes to the three threats to our wellbeing cited in Avos 4:21:
Rabi Eliezer hakapar says: jealousy, desire, and [the pursuit of] honor remove
a person from the world.
The Ben Ish Chai explains:
These three crowns nullify the three
harmful attributes, jealousy, desire, and honor. The crown of Torah, of which it is said,
"jealousy of scholarship increases wisdom" nullifies inappropriate jealousy. The crown of malchus which requires
self-restraint against material desires, as it says, "he shall not take many
wives and he shall not acquire many horses" nullifies inappropriate desire. The
crown of kehuna, about which is written "honor" as it says, "and you shall make
holy vestments for Aharon your brother for honor and glory" nullifies
inappropriate pursuit of honor. (Chasdai
Avos, 4:13) Clearly, these dangers and their antidotes apply
to every Jew, king or commoner, Kohen, Levi, and Yisrael.
How do these concerns apply to your
children? What are the positive mitzvos,
the negative mitzvos, and the Torah in which your child seeks the crowns of
achievement?
There are three areas of achievement
for a child: social, behavioral, and academic.
You want your child to have friends, to cooperate with teachers, and to
master the lessons that she is taught. You want your pre-schooler to play nicely with
other children, to sit in the circle when the moreh says it is circle time, and
to learn shapes, colors, numbers, and the aleph-bais. Learning appropriate social skills
incorporates positive mitzvahs such as v'ahavta
l'reiacha kamocha and b'tzedek tishpote amisecha. Cooperation with teachers includes the
negative mitzvo of al tasur. Torah
encompasses all of the above as well as the study of Torah itself.
You want your child to achieve the
crown of kahuna, to form friendships by expressing kindness, patience, and
generosity, thus earning honor rather than pursuing it. You want your child to attain the crown of
malchus, to learn self-restraint, to reign in impulsive behaviors and desires. You hope your child will acquire the crown of
Torah, that he will be jealous of the knowledge and joy of Torah he sees in
others, and strive to gain it for himself.
You want your child to win the triple
crown. Sometimes, I hope, he will. When he falls short in one or two areas, be
concerned; don't be discouraged.
How do you express concern? How do you help your child when she is
struggling in one of these areas?
First, slow down. Think about what it is that you would like to
express to her. Are you concerned that
she seems to be failing socially and struggling with loneliness? Does she spend "too much time" by
herself? Are you sure it is a struggle
for her, that she wishes she could spend more time with friends; or is
it that you wish she would spend more time with friends? Some children are more gregarious than
others; some enjoy solitude that looks to you like loneliness. Tell her what you see, tell her that you are
concerned, and ask her what it is like for her.
Miri, you spend a lot of time on
Shabbos afternoon reading. I'm concerned
that you seem lonely.
Ta, I am so busy with my friends all
week, and I love them and enjoy them, but on Shabbos I really like having quiet
time to myself.
Are you concerned that you son
flaunts rules and doesn't care that he gets in trouble? Slow down.
Tell him that you want him to comply more consistently with the rebbe's
expectations and ask him what would help him to do better.
Dror, I don't want your rebbe to call
me again to tell me that you were talking during class. What happens that you can't sit quietly?
Mom, I lose the place and when I ask
the boy near me where rebbe is up to, I get in trouble.
I would like you to explain this to
your rebbe during recess, and ask your rebbe what you should do when you need
to find out the place because you lost it.
If your child sometimes struggles
academically, ask her what she thinks might help her, and with whom she wishes
she could work to do better. Slow down,
and give her a day or two to think about it.
And most important of all:
Notice when your child is succeeding
socially, behaviorally, and academically.
Tell them they're doing something incredible, they're winning a triple
crown.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I do not take sides in arguments between husbands and wives. But when there was a shidduchim concern, I did.
I told my wife she had no business calling the menaheles to complain. I remember, when I was in yeshiva, the menahel came into our classroom one day and said we should not be telling our parents things that the rebbe said or what he did to get boys to behave. I remember his words, "What happens in yeshiva, stays in yeshiva!? We send our daughters to school and if the school wants us to know something they'll call us. My wife has no business telling the menaheles what's acceptable and what isn't.
And I told my husband that our 8 year old daughter was sobbing uncontrollably over what the teacher said to her in front of the whole class, and when I called the menaheles she defended the teacher and said that if our Devoiry had behaved, the teacher wouldn't have called her a 2 year old in front of anybody. I told the menaheles that Devoiry's twirling her pencil and dropping it 3 times is not okay, but it doesn't justify the teacher embarrassing her in front of the class. I don't think the menaheles should condone something that is wrong, and when it hurts my child, it is my business.
I remember my first conversation with a teacher whom I will call Miss Horowitz. She began by telling me she had noticed that during her 7th grade Chumash class, one of the girls appeared to be daydreaming. Miss Horowitz said she wanted every girl to stay on track. I asked her what she did to get this child back on track.
Miss Horowitz: I said, "Rivkie, are you paying attention??
Me: And what happened then?
Miss Horowitz: She looked at me and then she quickly looked down into her Chumash.
Me: What do you think that was like for Rivkie?
I said that very softly. Miss Horowitz began, very softly, to cry.
Miss Horowitz: I didn't mean to hurt her; I certainly never meant to embarrass her.
But now I realize that that's what I did. I feel terrible that I did that to her.
Me: I see that, and I admire you for caring so deeply about a child's feelings.
Miss Horowitz and I worked together for awhile. She learned discreet ways of helping a child who was daydreaming to get back on track. The girls in her class came to admire and respect her as deeply as she cared for them. And by the end of the school year, Miss Horowitz had become a kallah, B?H.
A shidduch. Marriage. Children. In the merit of learning how to guide children without embarrassing them.
Here are the words of the Menoras haMaor:
A person who is able to prevent himself from the sin of shaming another, Hashem will save them from all distress, and from them will come worthy children. This was the case with Tamar [Yehuda's daughter in-law]. Because she was willing to be burned rather than cause shame to Yehuda, she merited that kings and prophets would descend from her. (Ner 2, klal 5, section 2; quoted in Mesivta edition of Avos 3:11, yalkut biurim, page 74)
The Rambam wrote:
It is forbidden to cause someone shame, especially in front of others. Even though one is not given malkos for shaming someone, and he is exempt from paying [for the damage], it is a very serious sin. Our sages have said that one who shames another in public has no place in Olam Haba. Therefore, one must be careful not to cause public shame to anyone, young or old. (Mishna Torah Hilchos Daos 6:8; Chovail u'Mazik 3:7)
Be careful not to. It is not enough to say afterwards, "I didn't mean to.?
Rav Shlomo Zalman Auerbach, zt'zl, according to his family, worked on making sure he was able to prevent himself from reacting harshly to a child. They tell the following story:
I once went into [Rav Shlomo Zalman's] room before he gave shiur in the Yeshiva. I saw him sitting and studying the sefer Shaarei Teshuva. He explained, "Sometimes the students say something silly, and I'm afraid that I might react to them in a way that would hurt them. That's why I need to study musar.?
Rav Shlomo Zalman's talmidim recall:
Even when he was "kashe k'barzel" the issue was never the child himself. In his words of correction, there was never a trace of personal [debasement] or belittling.
(Kuntres Nisivos Shlomo, page 71)
Rav Pam, zt'zl wrote the following (my translation of Atara LaMelech, pg. 90):
There is no more permission for parents or teachers [to cause a child to feel shame] than for anyone else, unless it is for the purpose of chinuch or musar for the good of the child. But it is far more common that the damage caused by this is greater than the benefit. [emphasis mine]
Rav Pam added that because of the magnitude of the issue, careful deliberation and tranquility must precede a parent or teacher's words to a child.
What does the magnitude of the issue of shaming a child have to do with shidduchim? Here are the words of Rav Shteinman, Shlita, as recorded by his talmidim: (Mizekainim Etbonan, page 39)
We are anguished by the difficulties so many have in shidduchim. Many young women serve as teachers. A teacher of young children finds it extremely difficult not to sometimes err in hurting or insulting a student. [The laws of conduct] bain adam l'chaveiro are very stringent. Who knows if this isn't the reason that she hasn't found her zivug?¦ Hashem yishmarenu.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Listening is the source of bracha.
Es habracha asher tishma-un.
That is to say, by way of analogy,
that a person who has, G-d forbid, some type of illness and he is healed from it,
he is always vigilant lest chalila, the malady flare up within him
again. So it is, that each person must be vigilant and listen to his internal
messages; is he doing Hashem's mitzvos to the best of his ability or has, God forbid, something improper flared up in
him. This is what is meant by the
expression Es habracha asher tishma-un.
It means that it is a bracha to listen carefully to yourself, to
reflect on and analyze how well you are doing Hashem's mitzvos to be
sure that you are not lacking in your performance of them. V'haklala im lo tishma-u: this means that
klala could result if you don't pay attention to yourselves. Therefore, every person must be vigilant
always and be conscious of himself every moment for this is the source of
bracha for himself and for his children forever.
(Noam Elimelech Parshas Re-eh; page
92b in Imrei Shefar edition, 5720)
How carefully do you monitor yourself
in different settings? How careful are
you to monitor yourself and reflect on the distinctions you make? Especially when it means the opportunity for bracha
for yourself and your children, or chas v'shalom, klala?
Shimi and Raizy seemed like very mentchlich
people. They spoke softly, they
waited for one another to finish speaking, and they looked relaxed. I asked them what they wanted to talk
about. Raizy began.
Our friends think we are a very put-together
couple. We do consider ourselves quite refined and we are generally perceived
of as pleasant and easy-going. So my
husband was mortified at what happened last week and that's why we finally
agreed that we need to get help, so that's why we're here.
What happened last week that your
husband became mortified?
Shimi, why don't you tell him
yourself?
Raizy, it was your idea to come here
and I agreed, but I really don't want to talk about what happened. I mean, I do want to talk about what happened
but it's really hard to talk about it.
Why don't you tell him and I'll just listen.
Truthfully, Shimi, I don't want to
repeat what you said. If you could say it
to our daughter why can't you say it to Rabbi Ackerman?
Because, Raizy, there are things I
will say in the privacy of our home that I won't say in public.
I wasn't sure which hashkafic
lesson to share with them. I hadn't even
heard what he said to his daughter that he didn't want to repeat to me, yet I
already knew that there were some messages from Chazal that might be helpful
here.
For example: If there is doubt about
whether something is tumei (unfit) and it was found a public place you can be
lenient, but if it was found in a private place you have to be stringent. How
does this apply to tumas sifa-sayim, improper speech? It seems reasonable to me that if something
is doubtfully appropriate to say, the laws of tumah imply that we should be
more stringent about saying it in the privacy of our home than we are in
public. In other words, if you're not
sure that you would say it in public you should be very sure not to say it in
private.
One more example. The words of Michah, v'hatznaya leches im
Elokecha, are usually translated "and walk humbly with your L-rd.? (Michah 6:8)
The Ramah, as elucidated by the Mishna Brurah, teaches us an interesting
interpretation of these words. He
explains that this can be taken to mean that even when you are b'hatznah,
in the privacy of your own home, you should conduct yourself with the
self-consciousness that you have in front of others in public, because you are
always in the presence of Hashem. (Orach
Chayim, 1, Mishna Brurah 7)
Shivisi Hashem l'negdi tamid, be always aware of Hashem's presence.
When you know you are in Hashem's
presence, you become more vigilant. You
listen to yourself, you monitor yourself more carefully. (Orach Chayim, 1:1)
Before I had the opportunity to share
any hashkafic lesson with them, Shimi spoke.
Look, I needed to make a point and
that's what I had to say to get her attention to teach her what she needed to
learn so that's what I needed to do. I am her father and it's a mitzva on me to
teach my daughter so I did.
I asked him gently: What did you
say to her?
He didn't answer my question. I asked him a different one.
Raizy thought you were
mortified? How did that happen?
It happened because right after I
yelled at our 11 year old daughter, I went downstairs and saw my machatanim and my married son and
his wife standing just inside the front door like they had just come in. From the look on Raizy's face and theirs I
got the impression that they had all heard what I had said upstairs.
So Raizy saw that you were mortified
because what you thought you said in private to your 11-year-old daughter
turned out to have been said in public.
I don't understand how something that's appropriate for the ears of your
11-year-old daughter could be so inappropriate in front of your extended family
and me.
Shimi apparently thought that nival
peh was justified in the service of doing the mitzvah of teaching his
child. There is an expression: minuval
b'reshus haTorah. It is not to be
taken literally. The Torah does not
condone the use of inappropriate language to teach Torah lessons. On the contrary. Listen to yourself carefully.
Make sure that whenever you speak to
your child to guide her in becoming a bas Torah, you speak like a ben
Torah.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I enjoy hearing from you, dear reader. I like to hear that you are more positive with your children, noticing and acknowledging things that they do well. I appreciate it when you tell me that your home is a calmer and more pleasant place for you and for your children. As I've said to many of you, I will accept my share of the credit and I want you to accept yours.
I will also accept your constructive criticism, and I am going to respond to some right now. You complained that in a recent article I wrote what NOT to do, and WHY not to do it, but I didn't suggest what you might do instead. You said:
In a recent article, you wrote that it is important to be truthful even when a lie would make things simpler, and you gave this example:
"There's no more candy in the cabinet.?
There is more candy in the cabinet but your daughter can't see it. You don't want to tell her the truth. You don't want to tell her that there is more candy in the cabinet and that you're not willing to give it to her. You'd rather lie and say there is no more and hope she believes you. You don't want to tell her the truth because you're sure she'll argue with you, cry, or throw a tantrum. It's easier to just lie.
You may disagree with the principle that "lying is wrong, period.? I brought support to that principle from HaKsav v'Hakabala and Limudei Nisan on Braishis 18:12-15 in the article to which you responded. Here are some more makoros for this principle:
[Distance yourself] from anything that could lead someone to lying, as chazal have taught us: be careful with your words lest from them, others learn to lie. (Siporno on Shemos 23:7).
Many people fail to understand that the prohibition against lying applies even in a situation where you do not cause any harm to anyone else. And even those who understand that the prohibition applies in all situations, many of them don't understand the basis of this prohibition. They mistakenly think that it is one of the laws of the Torah that there is such an action as "speaking falsely? similar to the prohibition against eating chazir and other prohibitions in the Torah. Actually, when we look in the Torah and the words of our sages that explain the matter, it becomes clear to us that the prohibition against lying is different and not comparable to other Torah prohibitions?¦ The Torah does not just prohibit the action of speaking falsehood. Rather, the Torah gives a general prohibition against falsehood and everything related to it. That is to say, a person has to feel hatred in his heart towards falsehood, so that falsehood becomes disgusting in his eyes?¦ thus we see that a "liar" is defined as someone who doesn't hate falsehood, and will therefore resort to falsehood for his benefit?¦ From this we learn the extent to which a person must distance himself even from the very smallest point of falsehood. (Chidushei haLev on Shemos 23:7).
Parents should not make the mistake of thinking that their young children don't understand what's going on around them. For example, if a mom opens the door to a meshulach and says that her husband isn't home [when he actually is], she needs to realize that her child playing nearby both heard and understood what just happened: his mother lied. She has to tell the truth, that the father is home. And when a father signs a note that his son has reviewed his studies at home even though it's not entirely true, he has taught his son the opposite quality from truthfulness. (Aitzos v'Hadrachos vol 2, pages 36-37).
You may still think lying is justified, sometimes. Perhaps you have sources upon which you base your point of view. Two dangers remain. The Yalkut Mai'am Lo'ez explains the first concern:
To maintain peace is the only reason to permit falsehood, since the intention is to avoid strife, and not because one wants to lie. Yet it is still forbidden to do this regularly, for you will become accustomed to lying, and the yetzer hara, a master craftsman, will enable you to find a justification every time you choose to lie. (Mimayanos ha'Netzach on Shemos 23:7)
The second danger is that when you get caught in your lie, what is going to happen?
To paraphrase Koheles (10:20) Even in your mind, don't' curse the king, in the privacy of your bedroom, don't curse the rich; for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which has wings shall tell the matter.
And Hillel cautioned us: Don't say something that you don't want heard, because it will be heard. [Pirkei Avos 2:4]
What is going to happen when she finds out that there is more candy in the cabinet; or in some other situation, and there will be one, she realizes that you lied? You have modeled for her that it is okay to lie in order to avoid an unpleasant situation. I'm sure you didn't mean to teach her that. I'm equally sure that she will learn that from you. Perhaps you want to explain to her that it is okay for you to lie to avoid an unpleasant situation, but you expect her to tell the truth, no matter how unpleasant she imagines the outcome will be. I think that would be unfair, and unrealistic.
But you didn't suggest what to say to my daughter after I tell her that there is candy in the cabinet. I have a reason for telling her that there is no more candy. I know that if she can see the candy or if I tell her that it's there and I won't give it to her she'll ask me, "why not?? If I tell her it's because we're going to be eating supper soon, she'll say that she'll eat your supper anyway so I should give her the candy. If I tell her that she already had candy she will say she only wants one more piece just one more please, please, please. If I just say "no because I said so" she'll say I'm always mean to her and I let her brother have candy whenever he wants it. This debate will go on and on and I just don't have time for it.
You don't have time for "it?? What is "it" that you don't have time for?
The truthful alternative is to take the time to look at her and say, "no, I will not let you have candy now, what can you do until suppertime (or what can you nibble on instead of candy)?? She'll just whine and keep asking? You can breathe deeply and calmly repeat yourself until she realizes that you mean what you just said because you are truthful.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
Rochel felt overwhelmed by her child's homework.
She wondered how teachers expected her daughter to so much Parsha, Halacha, math, science, English, and social studies homework every night.
She watched her fifth grader sit down to it, not know where to begin, and start to cry.
As she described it to me, Rochel began to cry.
When I ask her to start with Parsha, she wants me to explain why Rashi said what he said, but I don't always know how to explain it.
And the math is taught differently from the way I learned it. When I try to explain it to her the way I learned it, she tells me she has to do it the way she was taught, even though we arrive at the same answer.
Here's an answer that I've arrived at that Rochel and many other parents have found helpful.
You sound as though you're not sure that the amount of homework assigned to your daughter is realistic to expect of her every night. Before we consider the expectations the school has of your daughter, let's think about the expectations you have for yourself.
Many parents think that they should know all of the things their child is learning in fifth grade. It might be reassuring and perhaps surprising for you to sit down with your husband and the parents of other children in your daughter's class and browse through some of her textbooks. Even if we had been taught all the things that children now learn in fifth grade, and I'm not sure we were, few of us remember very much of it.
When you let go of this unrealistic expectation for yourself, you'll be more relaxed when you learn together with your daughter instead of being embarrassed to admit you don't know everything she's learning in school.
Another way to reduce your daughter's tension and yours when it's time to do homework is to spend 10 minutes, just one time, completing the following assignment with her:
My Homework Place
Describe your homework place by answering the following questions:
1. When I do my homework, where do I sit? How comfortable is it? If it's not that comfortable, what would make it more comfortable?
2. Where do I put my textbook, my notebook, my paper? If it's too cramped, where could I spread it out better?
3. What sounds do I hear while I'm doing my homework (siblings, parents, music, sounds from outdoors, what else)? If the sounds are distracting to me, what can I do?
4. What do I see while I'm doing my homework? Who comes into my field of vision? How can I avoid being interrupted?
5. What do I smell while I'm doing homework?
6. What skills can I use to overcome the distractions when I can't prevent them or escape them?
7. How long do I work until my break? What do I do during my break? How long is my break?
8. To whom do I turn when I need help?
Inviting your child to think about the answers to these questions helps her plan to succeed at doing her homework by identifying some of the things that have made it hard for her in the past. By helping her to identify or create a better environment in which to do her homework you make it likely that she'll find it more pleasant to work on her homework, or at least, less stressful.
How did your daughter answer question 8, to whom do I turn when I need help? Now that you've let go of the mistaken idea that you have to know everything a fifth grader is learning, ask your daughter whom else she thinks she could turn to for help. Resist the urge to offer her any suggestions. Give her a day or two to find out who helps her friends with their homework, and to decide who she wishes would help her.
Let's imagine what might happen next. She might come back to you and say that she doesn't know who else can help her. Now you get to offer suggestions. Some possibilities include a classmate to work with over the phone, a tutor, or a grandparent.
What happens when your daughter says, "I can't ask that person to help me.? What do you say to her now? Let's look at a couple of ways this conversation might play out.
Mom: Why can't you?
Daughter: Because I just can't.
Mom: Of course you can, why won't you?
Daughter: You don't understand. Never mind, I'll just do it the best I can.
That did not turn out very well. Let's try this conversation a different way.
Daughter: I can't ask that person to help me.
Mom: You sound really uncomfortable with the idea. What do you think she'll say to you when you ask her?
Daughter: She'll think I'm not smart enough to do my homework without her help.
Mom: And she'll think there's something wrong with you, something bad about you needing help with something?
Daughter: Well not exactly bad about me, just that I should be able to do it without help.
Mom: Really? According to whom?
Daughter: I guess according to me. You don't think so? You think it's okay that I need help with my homework?
Mom: Yes, I think it's okay to need help with your homework, and it's courageous to have the humility to ask for it.
You will be even more gentle and supportive when you remember how hard it was for you to accept your own inability to accomplish what was asked of you: to be the all-knowing, always available homework helper your daughter had wished you could be.
What if you think that the school is giving your daughter too much homework? What is the best way for you to express that concern?
First, tell your daughter that you would like to call her teacher because you think that there is too much homework being assigned. If your daughter asks you not to call her teacher, ask her to help you understand what she is concerned about. You may be able to agree with your daughter on a way to express yourself to her teacher that your daughter is okay with. You can choose to call her teacher even if your daughter is not okay with it, but there is some risk. Your daughter may be reluctant to tell you about a problem next time if she's afraid you'll attempt solve it in a way that she fears will have some unpleasant outcome for her.
If you do call her teacher, be prepared to calmly and objectively describe the situation as you see it, rather than sounding critical and judgmental. Write down the specific number of pages to read, questions to answer, math problems to solve, and other components of an actual night's homework, and how long it took your daughter to do it, and read it to the teacher. Then say that it seems to you that it was too much for your child, and ask the teacher what she thinks about it. If the teacher thinks it is a reasonable amount of homework, do not argue. Instead, ask what strategies and techniques the teacher can suggest that might make the homework more manageable for you and for your child. Then, sit down again with your daughter and reassure her that you and she will do your best to meet the teacher's expectations.
If her teacher agrees with you and says she will reduce the amount of homework, be sure to call her in a week or two to thank her when you see the change take effect.
Finally, if her teacher offers to make adjustments to the homework expectations for your daughter individually, ask your daughter what she thinks about it. She may find this accommodation embarrassing because she perceives it as a confirmation of her inability to accomplish what some of her classmates can accomplish. See if you can help her accept and value herself, even when her strengths differ. If your daughter finds this very painful, you may want to offer her the opportunity to meet with a therapist.
Remember, you have learned that you cannot always give your daughter everything she needs. What you can do is help her find it from others whom you trust.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Sticks and stones may break my bones / But words will never hurt me.
That's a lie. Okay, it's not completely false, it's a half-truth. Sticks and stones can break bones. But words can hurt, too; very painfully.
We've come a long way in protecting our children from the sticks and stones of the playground. As a child, when I lost my balance and fell off the end of the sliding pond, I landed on concrete. When my grandchildren tumble off the slide, they land on something more akin to rubber.
So we've made sliding ponds safer.
Have you even seen a see-saw lately?
According to an article about them, "One problem with the seesaw's design is that if a child allows himself/herself to hit the ground suddenly after jumping, or exits the seesaw at the bottom, the other child may fall and be injured. For this reason, seesaws are often mounted above a soft surface such as foam or wood chips.? Really? Not when I was a child. We had concrete underneath us. We would attempt to catapult the other kid off by landing as hard we could. We thought that was fun. And it was! But it was dangerous, and it is a good thing that we have learned how to cushion our children from these physical dangers.
Cushioning your children against emotional danger is important, too. We can learn how to do that from how Kevlar?® is made and what to expect from it.
Kevlar?® is one of the materials used in the manufacture of bulletproof vests. It is both the way that Kevlar?® is made and the use of many layers of fiber that enable the vest to protect the wearer from small-caliber handgun and shotgun projectiles, and small fragments from explosives.
Bulletproof vests do not render their wearers impervious to bullets. The vest can prevent bullet penetration, but the wearer still absorbs some of the bullet's energy. Even without penetration, bullets contain enough energy to cause blunt force trauma at the point of impact. There is some pain and bruising, but the blow is sufficiently cushioned to assure survival without permanent damage.
What is the material that cushions a child from verbal projectiles? It's called self-esteem, and it also requires layers. How do you weave a vest of self-esteem? You esteem your child. Yes, it's a transitive verb. You wrap them in layers of effective protective material. The operative words are "effective" and "layers.?
Kevlar?® is an effective material, and it still requires layers. Many layers of fluff do not a bullet-proof vest make. One layer of Kevlar?® doesn't protect anyone, either. Similarly, the vest of self-esteem you weave for your child requires your knowing what is effective material, and what is fluff.
I'll give you some examples of each.
Mendy was assigned to draw a sketch of the Heichal, showing the Shulchan, the Menorah, and the Mizbach Hazahav, with at least one kohen in his bigdei kahuna. He used colored pencils on an 8.5 by 11 inch sheet of copy paper. The colors he chose bore no resemblance to the actual colors of the kalim and the bigadim. The Menorah he drew has tiny yet accurately placed kaftor v'ferach designs, and the Shulchan shows some detail. The stick figure kohen's begadim are, to put it generously, nondescript.
If you were to say to Mendy, "Good job," you would be handing him fluff. It's only effective when it's specific. "Good job" is accurate but too vague.
If you were to say to Mendy, "Wow, what an artist you are, that's amazing," you, again, would be handing him fluff. It's only effective when it's real. This is worse than "good job." This is simply untrue, and he knows it. Don't risk losing credibility.
What would be an effective esteeming of Mendy for his art work? A specific, accurate statement of what he did well. Such as: You made a really detailed Menorah and Shulchan even though you had to work with such a small paper, Mendy! It must have been hard to get all of those balls and flowers onto the branches. And I see you drew the pans for each of the loaves. You did those really well!
Every time you esteem your child with a specific and accurate statement of what he has done well you provide him with the effective raw material of self-esteem. Your child's self-esteem doesn't come from your child's self. Your child weaves a vest of self-esteem out of the material you provide. The quality of that material, and the number of layers you provide, become your child's cushion against the verbal blows he will sustain.
You don't want him to deflect the things you say to him that he finds unpleasant? I agree. I don't want him to be impervious to criticism and correction. But remember: cushions don't deflect. They absorb some of the force and make the impact tolerable. When you criticize your child, I'm sure it is to help him grow, not to crush him. Your child can comfortably grow from your corrections when you've helped him stand tall with your authentic praise.
There's one more comparison I'd like to draw between the properties of Kevlar?® and the cushioning effect of healthy self-esteem. Bullet proof vests offer little protection against blows from sharp implements, such as knives and arrows. The impact of these objects can puncture the fiber layers of most bullet-resistant fabrics. Sharp words also cut deep, penetrating and destroying layers of self-esteem carefully built.
Words of acknowledgement, support, and encouragement are powerful tools for planting and building your child's self-esteem. Words can hurt, too; very painfully. Chachamim, hizharu b'divraichem. Use your words carefully.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
When is it okay to lie?
Very, very rarely.
Hashem knows when and how to go about that. Hashem told Avraham Aveinu that Sarah Eimainu referred to herself as "old," when actually she had referred to him as old, and Rashi says that shina hakasuv mipnai hashalom, Hashem wanted to preserve their shalom bayis. (Braishis 18:12-15) Rav Nisan Alpert, ZT'L in Limudei Nisan, reminds us that such distortions of the truth must be very carefully limited.
In Haksav v'Hakabala, Rav Yaakov Zvi Meklenburg points out a different lesson from this episode. Sarah is accused of laughing at the news that she will bear a child to Avraham, and she denies having laughed. The Torah concludes the story with the words, "no, you did laugh!? What does this mean? Are we to understand that Sarah was accused of laughing, denied it, and the Torah concludes by saying that told an outright lie? No, she did not. She is criticized nonetheless. Here is Rav Meklenburg's analysis:
Some explain it that Hashem told Avraham that Sarah had laughed saying to herself, "How could I bear a child now that I am so old?" referring to Sarah's statement "After I have aged (acharei bilosi) I will bear a child?? If we understand it this way [that Hashem did not alter her words; she was describing herself, not her husband], then Sarah's statement, "I did not laugh" is an outright lie. However, according to our sages who say that Hashem changed her words and told Avraham she had laughed because of her age when actually she had laughed because of his age, this teaches us that it was acceptable to alter the truth to preserve peace?¦. Therefore she did not lie.
It is comparable to the following situation. Reuven said, "I will eat grapes today, but I will not eat figs.? Reuven then heard Shimon say to someone else, "why did Reuven say that he will not eat grapes today?" Upon hearing this, Reuven said, "I swear that I did not say that I will not eat grapes today!" Can we say that Reuven lied? It is the same thing; when Sarah heard the words of the angel saying that she laughed because she didn't believe that she could bear a child, she replied that she did not laugh. This was not a lie. [She had not laughed at the possibility that she could bear a child. She had laughed at hearing that Avraham could father a child.]
So why does the Torah end this story by saying that Sarah denied laughing yet she had laughed? Because even though she did not lie, she was not entirely truthful. By her general statement, "I did not laugh," she implied that she had not laughed at all. We learn a very important lesson from this: the extent to which people of distinction have to guard themselves from the trap of falsehood, even from saying something that is not an outright lie. If there is an implication in yours words that is not entirely truthful, you should distance yourself from it.
People of distinction? To whom is that addressed? In Hebrew, the term is anshei maala, people of high caliber. That would include every one of us who hopes that our children look up to us. Every one of us is cautioned to be careful not only not to lie, but to be entirely truthful. We ponder that thought in our meditations at the end of every Amidah. We don't say, elokai n'tzor lishonei ma'rah u'siforsei midabair sheker; we ask for help in avoiding mirmah, distortions, half truths, deceit.
Hashem knows when to be mishane mipnai hashalom.
We need to be as careful as the first generation amora Rav was.
The gemara (Yevamos 63a) tells the story:
Rav was constantly tormented by his wife. If he told her, 'Prepare me lentils', she would prepare him small peas; [and if he asked for] small peas, she prepared him lentils. When Rav's son Hiyya was older he would tell his mother [his father's instructions] in the reverse order. [e.g. If Rav told Hiyya that he wanted lentils, Hiyya told his mother that his father had asked for peas. As a result, she prepared what Rav had actually wanted, thinking he wanted something else.] "Your mother,? Rav once remarked to him, "has improved!? 'It was I', the other replied, "who reversed [your orders] to her." Rav said to his son, "This is what people say, 'Your own offspring teaches you reason.' You, however, must not continue to do so for it is said, "They have taught their tongue to speak lies?¦" (Yermiahu 9:4)
We might think that the improvement in the relationship between Rav and his wife would justify Hiyya's lies to his mother. After all, he wasn't lying to gain benefit for himself or to shield himself from punishment. He was just "adjusting the truth" to help his parents get along. His father told him that although it was a reasonable solution, it was not acceptable.
Here are two examples of lies that provide reasonable solutions and are not acceptable.
"There's no more candy in the cabinet.?
There is more candy in the cabinet but your daughter can't see it. You don't want to tell her the truth, and tell her that you're not willing to give it to her because you're sure she'll argue with you, cry, or throw a tantrum. It's easier to just lie. It will become a lot harder when she finds out that there is more candy in the cabinet, and that you believe it is okay to lie in order to avoid an unpleasant situation. I'm sure you didn't mean to teach her that. I'm equally sure that she will learn that from you.
"I told you that I would play a game with you when you finished your supper, and you did finish your supper, but now that you called your brother a bad name, I won't play with you.?
It may seem reasonable to you to fail to keep your word because you have a justification, but it's not acceptable because your child will learn how to justify breaking his promises.
Keep your word. Tell your child that you will play the game with her because she did eat her supper. Tell her you'll play the game after she tells you how she will better express herself to her brother next time, instead of calling him a bad name.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
I was recently interviewed on a radio program. You can listen to the interview at HealthWatchRadio.com or download an MP3 recording of my conversation with Dr. Jacques Doueck to listen to at your leisure. In the meantime, here are the ten questions Dr. Doueck asked, and a brief version of my responses.
You've said that there are 2 words that help parents to be more effective, and many parents find them easy to remember and very hard to do. What are the 2 words?
The two words are "Slow Down.? Parents find it hard to slow down when they are feeling threatened by disrespect, non-compliance, and chaos. When they are able to slow down, the following usually happens. They realize that there is no threat even if a child is disrespectful, non-compliant, or chaotic (as in having a tantrum). Sometimes they figure out that their child is disrespectful because he doesn't know how to express himself respectfully, he is unable to comply rather than willfully defiant, and he is unfocused rather than chaotic. Parents understand the concept, but get flustered in the situation. It takes preparation and practice.
You teach parents the Ben Ish Chai's commentary on the expression in Pirkei Avos "al t'hi dan y'chidi.? How does that apply to parents?
When a child doesn't do what you asked her to do, you see an unmet expectation. How you judge or interpret that is up to you. Most of us interpret what we see very quickly based on past experiences or pre-conceptions, and we're sometimes right. In his recent book "Thinking, Fast and Slow?, Nobel laureate Daniel Kahneman shares his research on how useful our first impressions can be and how often they're wrong. Assuming that your child ignored you may be your first impression when you see that what you asked her to do didn't get done. The Ben Ish Chai cautions us to think about other possibilities that would move us towards being dan l'kaf zchus. From that mindset, you are less likely to feel threatened and more likely to offer help instead of criticism to your child.
What is the most common issue you hear from parents of pre-school children? Bedtime, for them and for older children, too. Sibling rivalry is a very common concern, as well.
What do parents of teenagers ask you about most often?
How can you trust them: about cellphones; about where they're going, with whom they're going, what are they planning on doing when they get there.
How do you get a child to do what he needs to do, to motivate him?
If your child believes that he needs to do something and he isn't doing it, he'll probably ask you for help. If he doesn't think he needs to do something, and you want him to do it, that doesn't mean he needs to, it means you want him to. Sometimes you can convince a child that he needs to do something because you want him to. When you cannot convince him, you can attempt to motivate him with incentives and disincentives, once you've ascertained that he is capable of doing what you want him to do and capable of doing it as soon as you want him to do it.
When is it okay to bribe a child and when should you not have to anymore?
We bribe people to do bad things, that's what the word means. We offer incentives to elicit desired behaviors. The Shalah hakodesh describes this in detail. (Shaar haOsios, 4:22. Volume 1, page 287 in the Oz Vehodor 1993 edition)
You have been conducting a weekly men's parenting group for almost 2 years now. Don't women do most of the parenting, and men provide the food and shelter?
That's what the Bnai Gad and the Bnai Reuven thought. Moshe Rabeinu taught them to think about it differently. (Rashi Bamidbar 32:16)
But what happens when husband and wife aren't on the same page about parenting?
They don't need to be. They need to respect each other's page. Children adjust well to differing expectations and rules. They struggle when parents argue, especially when it's about them, and children usually assume it's about them.
What are some books that you recommend for parents?
Pele Yo-aitz is a good start, particularly the sections on hakaah (hitting), yishuv hadaas (peace of mind) and hagaddah (telling over in order to draw interest). Tomer Devorah teaches us what to aspire to as parents emulating Hashem.
Zereah u'Binyan b'Chinuch (Planting & Building, Raising a Jewish Child) by Rav Shlomo Wolbe zt'l describes specific situations that arise and how to address them in addition to basic principles of parenting.
When do parents get to "retire" from parenting, sit back, and enjoy the nachas? According to the Alshich hakodesh and Rav Moshe Feinstein zt'l (Darash Moshe) on the beginning of parshas Va'yeishev you never retire from parenting, even as you enjoy the nachas from your grown children and theirs!
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC
When Shmuli Fein married Yitty Schmecker they've should've known that their kids would incredibly picky eaters, worse than lachanophobics!
The Fein-Schmecker children, as their name suggests, are finicky about their food. Lachanophobics have anxiety attacks at the sight of vegetables; their plight is real, not a matter of preference or choice. Feinschmeckers have strong preferences about all kinds of foods, and their parents do have choices. Here are some choices that I explored with the parents of a three-year-old girl:
Mom: I can't understand why Mirel won't eat apples. The Golden Delicious apples that I've given her were so sweet; I know because I ate some of them myself. I peeled one and gave it to her so she could eat it herself, but all she did was take a bite, make a face and spit it out.
Dad: I told my wife to introduce the apple to Mirel more gradually. I suggested that she cut up little pieces into Mirel's breakfast cereal, or make some apple sauce and put some cinnamon sugar onto it.
Me: And what happened?
Mom: Mirel ate the cereal and left every piece of apple in the bowl, and the entire apple sauce with cinnamon and sugar mixture ended up in the garbage.
Dad: Well, that's because you always give in to her!
Mom: And you never give in to her, you just make everything a battle until you walk out the door leaving me with a child crying over something I wouldn't have made such a big deal out of to begin with.
Dad: You don't think it's a big deal that she won't eat fruit?
Me: One second; slow down. How many different fruits have you offered Mirel?
Mom: She loves cherries.
Dad: Wonderful, that's good for two months out of the year.
Me: You think it's wonderful that she likes cherries, or you think it's wonderful that cherries are only available two months out of the year?
Dad: I was being sarcastic.
Me: What do you imagine it's like for your wife when you respond with sarcasm to something she said?
Dad: You're right, I shouldn't be sarcastic. I'm sorry, Chavie.
Mom: I'm mochel, and you're right, Benzion, cherries aren't enough fruit for Mirel to be having. I don't know what else to do with the apple so she'll eat it.
Me: Chavie, you said that Mirel won't eat apples. How many different types of apples have you offered her?
Mom: I've only offered her Golden Delicious apples. They're the sweetest apples I've ever had and I think it's the only kind we ever have in our house.
Me: What would you think of offering her some different types of apples? Personally, I don't like Golden Delicious apples. I like Macintosh and Granny Smith apples, perhaps because they're tart and not sweet.
They were quite surprised to find that Mirel enjoyed Granny Smith apples, the tarter the better. It was a choice that had not occurred to them and a preference they certainly did not share with their daughter. But in this case it was easy to accommodate her.
When it comes to dinner vegetables, it isn't as simple. You probably don't mind having four or five different kinds of apples and some other types of fruits in your fruit bin so your children can choose the kind they prefer. How often, however, are you willing to prepare a different vegetable for each of your children?
Here too, you have some choices. The best choice is usually ask to your child what would help her eat some of whatever vegetable she doesn't like. If she wants to carefully cut her string beans into small pieces and eat a small piece on each forkful of chicken or potato, what's the problem for you? If you think peas and carrots smothered in mustard is strange but your son finds it more palatable that way, why should that bother you? If you're concerned that he'll pour half a bottle of mustard over his vegetables and refuse to eat it because it doesn't taste good, set aside a small portion of his peas and carrots, help him add some mustard, and let him taste it. If he doesn't like it, discard the rest of that small portion, and see what he can figure out to help him eat the rest of his vegetables, perhaps with ketchup or salad dressing or chumus. These are the types of choices you can help your child identify that might help her eat more of the foods you want her to eat.
Some parents I have worked with found it helpful to take a different approach. They give each child a plate with a protein portion, a starch portion, and a vegetable portion. For example, each plate might have a small piece of chicken, a small portion of rice, and a small portion of string beans. They will give their children seconds of anything they want as soon as they have finished all three of the first portions.
The wording is important. They do not say, "You may not have more rice until you finish your string beans and your chicken.? They say, "You may have more rice as soon as you finish your string beans and your chicken.?
The format "yes you may when you have met my expectation" is more effective than the format "no you may not until you do what I want.? It points a child toward success and describes your desire to acknowledge it, rather than pointing to failure and the punishment or withdrawal of something they want that you will impose until they comply.
Imposing your will until they comply. Or helping them succeed at meeting your expectation. Many parents have told me they have learned that the latter is a far more effective form of parenting.
Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor with specialties in marriage, relationships, and parenting. He works with parents and educators, and conducts parenting seminars for shuls and organizations. He can be reached at 718-344-6575.
