In Derech Eretz Rabba (Ch.5), we find an expression that speaks to the conundrum you face as a parent of teenagers: kabdehu v'hashdehu, be respectful and be suspicious. You want to respect his privacy yet you wonder what he's doing in private. You want to trust his judgment and you worry that he doesn't always make the best decisions. He wants you to let go but you still want to know where he's going. You're ambivalent and quite sure about only one thing; that you mustn't reveal your ambivalence to your teenage child. And that's your only mistake. Because it leads you into doing the one thing you most wish he wouldn't do to you. It leads you to deceive him.

Your ambivalence is appropriate. You want to give your teen more independence, and you want to trust him with his privacy, but you don't entirely trust him and you want him to depend on you for guidance. What's the best way to address this puzzling situation? I think an example would be helpful.

Here are some excerpts from a conversation between a father and his teenage son.

Yossi, you got out of school at 6, and you should've been home by 6:30. Why didn't you get here until 7:15? Where were you?

At Eli's. We were working on a project together.

So you don't mind if I call Eli's parents to confirm that?

You don't trust me!

This isn't about trust!

Let's pause the conversation right here. At this point, dad has made it clear that he wants to confirm the veracity of Yossi's statement that he was at his friend's house. I would wonder, along with Yossi, why dad wants independent confirmation if dad does trust his son. If it really is not about trust, then what is it about? And where does this conversation go from here? If dad continues to insist that it's not about trust, the conversation devolves into a debate on why you would ask for confirmation of your child's statement if you do trust him.

There is an alternative. Here's how the conversation flows when dad responds to his son's statement more accurately.

Yossi: You don't trust me!

That's true, Yossi , sometimes I find it hard to trust you. Why are you reluctant for me to call Eli's parents to confirm that you were there? That would give you the opportunity to prove that you were telling the truth and that I was mistaken to think that you weren't.

Okay, fine, I wasn't at Eli's. I was at Public Library.

Doing what?

Why must you know everything that I do, why can't you just trust me?

Because you just lied, again.

Let's stop the conversation here. It's true that Yossi originally lied about where he had been after school, but then he told his father the truth, that he had been at the Public Library. Dad now heard the truth from his son who had the courage to admit that he had lied. Rather than thinking of Yossi as having no choice because his father "caught him," I would prefer for dad to see this as an opportunity to acknowledge something his son did well after having done something very poorly. I do not want dad to condone the lie. I want him to acknowledge the difficulty his son might have had in admitting the lie and telling the truth.

If dad were to say, "you see, Yossi, I was right, you were lying again, why should I ever trust you," Yossi would learn that the only thing worse than lying is getting caught. Next time he'll lie more carefully, and if he gets caught, he'll try to lie his way out of that, because his father taught him that admitting he lied just gets him criticized even more.

Here's an alternative. What does Yossi learn when his father says, "Yossi I really feel bad that you lied to me about where you had been. I appreciate your owning up to it now and telling me the truth. That took some humility and courage, and you did it well. Yossi, I would like to understand how to help you tell me the truth to begin with next time. What were you concerned would've happened had you told me the truth when I first asked you where you had been?"

What Yossi learns when his father speaks to him this way is that his father wants to trust him and that it's very hard for his father to trust him, sometimes. It's also hard for Yossi to be where his father expects him to be when he'd really like to be at the Public Library.

This is the conundrum of parenting teenagers. Dad has his concerns about Yossi being at the Public Library, and Yossi resents his father for not trusting him there. Yossi has no intention of looking at anything inappropriate at the Public Library. Dad is concerned that Yossi might be exposed to something inappropriate and have a hard time steering clear of it. Yossi wants his father to trust him to make appropriate choices when inappropriate choices are staring him in the face. Dad wants to shield his son from such temptations because he doesn't trust him to always withstand them.

So we are back where we started from. With one important difference. Dad still expresses appropriate and necessary suspicion. But he has added respect by being candid about it, and accepting the fact that his son resents him for it sometimes.

Nobody said parenting teens is easy. Check with your teen; he'll tell you being one isn't so simple, either.

Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." Young children are taught to say thank you when they are given something because it's courteous to say thank you. You don't wait until your child appreciates that something good has been done for him and wants to express gratitude. You begin by teaching him to say thank you when something happened that he should appreciate, even though he doesn't understand what he's saying, and he doesn't understand what there is to appreciate.

Similarly, young children are prompted to say amen when someone says a bracha. They're taught to say amen even though they have no idea what amen means, and they don't know what the bracha they're responding to means, either. I would hope that as the child grows older, he will be taught the various intentions he may express with his amen as he discerns the meaning of the brachos to which he is responding.

This brings us to the subject of hakoras hatov; noticing, and acknowledging, bracha. How do you help your child discern bracha in his day to day life? How do you help him appreciate what you give to him?

I don't think my son appreciates anything I give to him or do for him because it's never enough. If I take him to the playground, he wants to go to the ice cream store afterwards. If I take him to the ice cream store, he wants three toppings on his cone, not two. If I let him ride his bike in front of our house, he wants to go past the next three houses, and if I let him go there, he wants to go around the corner. All I ever hear about is what he didn't get, and never a thank you for what he did get.

You want your son to say thank you for what you did give him, and not want more than you gave him?

Yes, why can't he ever be satisfied with less than every single thing he wants?

That's an interesting question. It reminds me of something we spoke about two weeks ago. You had been very frustrated with Gavriel because every time you gave him a short list of things to do, he did some of them but he never managed to do all of them. When I asked you how you express your acknowledgment of what Gavriel does accomplish from his lists, you said that if you acknowledged the part that he did do, you'd be condoning the fact that he didn't do the rest. Now you want Gavriel to appreciate what you give him at the ice cream store or the playground, and not be unable to appreciate it because of what you didn't give him. To me, it's parallel. You would like Gavriel to appreciate what he was given even when he wants more, and I would like you to acknowledge what Gavriel does even when you want him to do more. What do you think?

It can be very difficult to notice something your child did well amid the disappointment that she didn't do it even better, to appreciate the part that she got right and not be blinded to it by the part she didn't get right, yet.

It's very important to notice the good part even when it's incomplete or inconsistent. It gives you the opportunity to encourage your child to do even better instead of discouraging her with never having gotten enough. And it reminds you to think of your own success as a parent in the same terms.

Here's a handout I've given to parents attending my groups. It will help you experience, and model, hakoras hatov.

When you are looking for success to appreciate and celebrate:

• Look for less. You'll see more.

· If the glass is half empty, you're looking at the wrong part of the glass.

· If the glass is usually half full, give your child a smaller glass.

Hakoras hatov is a 2 step process. Each step requires kavana, conscious intention.

Step 1

Kavana - think to yourself:

I will now build my midah of hakoras hatov by noticing and planning how to acknowledge something my child has done well.

Then:

Say to yourself: I will now give value to something my child did well even though I want him/her to do it better and more often.

Step 2

Kavana - think to yourself:

I will now build my child's self-esteem by effectively acknowledging something my child has done well.

Then:

Say to your child: You did that so well! You put all of those seforim onto the shelves so neatly! [Be specific and accurate about what your child did.]

Optional: And I'm proud /pleased /glad/ relieved. This may be added to, not substituted for, the "You did that so well!" statement of acknowledgement.

You will find that as you express hakoras hatov to your child more often and more effectively, your child will give you even more to appreciate. She will learn how to notice and express hakoras hatov more often, too. Perhaps that's because hakoras hatov is a mitzvah, and mitzvah goreress mitzvah. [When you do what Hashem expects of you, Hashem gives you the opportunity to do more of it.]

The women in one of my parenting groups asked me to speak with them about hakoras hatov. I began by describing the term and asking them to think about what it literally means. We tend to think of it as "saying thank you." That's not what the words mean. Hakoras hatov means "noticing something that is good." It follows that if your child doesn't notice something that's good she's not going to express appreciation for it. It does not necessarily follow that when your child notices something as being good, she will express appreciation.

Where would you prefer to begin? Do you want to help your child become more aware of what there is to appreciate and then teach her how to express her appreciation, or would you rather just tell her, "say thank you."

I would prefer that you help your child express something that she would like to express rather than just put words into her mouth. When she does not express appreciation, slow down, and wonder the following to yourself:

Is she grateful and she didn't tell me, or did she miss what I think she should be grateful for?

Here is a worksheet that members of the group completed so we'd have some examples to discuss. I hope you'll cut it out, and make copies. It will help you teach your child both components of hakoras hatov: noticing good things and expressing appreciation.

What happened that you thought your child appreciated?

What did your child say about it?

How did you respond to what he/she said?

What would you like your child to say instead or in addition?

How did you express that expectation?

When are pro forma expressions of appreciation (or regret) appropriate?

One of the women shared what she had written.

What happened was that I took my 15-year-old son to the store and bought him a new hat and I thought he appreciated it. What he said was nothing at all, and my response was to say nothing in return because I didn't know what to say; I was so hurt. What I wanted was for him to say thank you, to show some appreciation. How did I express that expectation to him? I said something like, "don't you think you should say thank you?"

I didn't ask that mom to tell us what she had written about pro forma expressions. I was more interested in exploring what went wrong in the scenario she had described so I could help her teach her son how to get it right next time. I asked her to tell us what had happened after she told her son he should've said thank you.

He said he was incredibly embarrassed to be in the hat store with all of his little brothers, sisters, and me, when all of his friends go to the hat store with just their father, or by themselves. I guess he didn't notice what there was to appreciate right that minute because he was still feeling embarrassed over the whole situation. I realized that's why he hadn't said thank you. I've learned to slow down and leave him alone for a while. Sure enough, when he came over to say goodnight to me that evening, he looked me right in the eye, gave me that little half smile of his, and said, "Ma, you bought me a really nice hat. Thank you."

Over the past few months, I have explored with this group of women the relationship between our thoughts and our emotions. This seemed like a good time to revisit those concepts.

You said that when your son didn't say thank you after you bought him the hat you felt hurt. You thought he was being ungracious. In retrospect, you're thinking about it differently. Now you're wondering if he was grateful for the hat and he was embarrassed by having you and his siblings in the hat store and until he got over the embarrassment he wasn't able to express his appreciation but then he did. Now that you're thinking all these things, how hurt are you feeling, in retrospect?

I see what you mean. Had I thought about what the entire situation had been like for him I might've realized why he didn't express appreciation, and I would not have felt hurt, just curious.

Curious about what?

Curious about what was making it difficult for my usually gracious and appreciative child to express appreciation for his new hat, rather than hurt that he hadn't. In the end, he expressed himself very nicely, far more nicely than if I would've said to say thank you and he would have said thank you so I would leave him alone.

It took a while for her son to notice the good outcome beyond the unpleasant circumstances, but when he did, he expressed himself very nicely. The pro forma "say thank you" instruction was unnecessary.

When are pro forma "say thank you" instructions and "say you're sorry" instructions appropriate? When your child is not capable of cognitively discerning what there is to appreciate, or feel sorry for, even when you point it out.

When you think your child may be able appreciate something after you've taken the time to help her notice it, I would urge you to invest the time to help her feel and then express genuine thanks.

It's that time of the year again. School has ended, camp hasn't begun, and parents don't have as much time off as their children do. What are some good suggestions for activities that your children may enjoy when they come over to you and say, "I have nothing to do!"

I remember some of the things I suggested to our children when they were little.

You could mow the lawn, you could pull the weeds, you could plant the seeds you wanted to buy when we were at the store a month ago and have been sitting on the windowsill in the dining room ever since.

Dad, it's way too hot out to do that stuff. What can we do inside

Well, you can find some place to put those seeds so that they're not in the dining room anymore; you can sort through all the papers, folders and projects you brought home from school and decide which ones you want to keep and where you'd like to put them; you could organize the playroom and put all the game pieces back with the games they belong with that you always tell me you don't have time to do when you finish playing a game; and you could ask mom if there's anything she'd like some help with.

I was always amazed that my kids didn't think these were wonderful ideas. But they didn't. They'd find some things to read and play a game with one another. And so the days went by. Until, at last, it was time for our vacation, the pursuit of "fun for the whole family."

Baruch HaShem, we occasionally found it! Sometimes we even found it where we had been looking for it. We thought we would all enjoy a visit to our siblings where our children could enjoy some rare time with their cousins, and we were right. The 10 hour drive was well worth it. Five hours a day on the road each day went by pleasantly when we played family trivia games we had made up and had plenty of food and drink on hand. Having a "party" of snack foods and soda every night we stayed in a motel made bedtime a little less difficult, not so much from the food as from the camaraderie.

There were other times that we had a wonderful time together because we let things happen. Driving through Pennsylvania, we thought we would find picnic tables along the road but all we found was an outlet shopping mall parking lot. We parked under a tree in a far corner where it was not unbearably hot. We had, thanks to my very organized wife, bottles of water for washing, sandwiches, fruit, and assorted dessert items. What we didn't have was any place to sit. Until our kids realized that the hood of a 1985 Caprice station wagon affords spacious seating for many children. My wife and I opted for the tailgate, a little less of a climb.

I am tempted to lament the shape of minivans. The hood slopes too steeply to sit upon it, and the back of the car opens up, not down.

I hope you'll find some other unconventional places to sit and eat a picnic lunch with your children this summer. I hope you'll make up a family trivia game or let your children make one up.

When our youngest was six he asked some trivia questions about things that had happened during school a month before that none of us could possibly have known about. It gave him the opportunity to tell us about some things he had found interesting. None of us was in a rush or too busy with something else. Yes, what he told us was trivial. It was important to him to be heard, and we listened. It was all part of the game, it was fun, and everyone had a turn to try to stump the rest of us. And there were prizes! Each correct answer was worth up to three cents!

Another way for your whole family to have fun together is to tell stories. Not stories from books; stories from your life. Some of our children's favorite stories were the adventures and minor misadventures of our childhoods.

Like the time I went with my friend to the World's Fair, and got lost on the way home because we had gotten off the train and gone outside and only then realized that the IRT to 142 St. that we were supposed to have taken and the IRT to 141 St. that we took cause we figured it would only be a block further to walk don't actually take you to places just one block apart and we had spent all of our money at the World's Fair keeping only the 15 cents we needed to get home so now we couldn't get back onto a train and we asked a policeman to help us and he escorted us underneath the turnstile and made sure we understood how to get to the train we needed.

My wife told our kids how she took the train to school and back every day from the time she was in 7^th grade.

For our carpooled, suburban children these were amazing tales. Trivial details of our younger lives became memories to share with our children, opportunities to enjoy some time talking with one another. When we found ourselves with nothing to do, what we did was to create memories for ourselves and our children of the time we spent together when they were young.

Ben Azzai said, do not minimize any person, and don't discount anything [in your life].

When you and your children have nothing to do and nothing important to say, cherish them and the time you have together. Tell them your stories and listen to theirs. It can be wonderful for the whole family.

I don't understand why in this day and age, people often tell newlyweds, "Never go to bed angry." With over 20 years of research swaying conventional wisdom in the direction of taking time-outs in the face of conflict, I marvel at every bridal shower that has this piece of false wisdom doled out.

Dr. John M. Gottman, one of the foremost marriage researchers in the country, (read: "researcher". This means that he is not just pontificating. He has hard evidence that shows what makes a great marriage and what makes a doomed marriage.) has seen that a successful couple knows when to put the breaks on a fight. If a couple is angry and arguing, they are driving on very slippery terrain and have to slow things down. One way to do so is by making, what Gottman calls,"repair attempts". Let's say you and your spouse are having a nice conversation when all of a sudden you hear your spouse blurt out, "What's with your sister calling non-stop?! Can't she pick tomatoes without your input?" Now you suddenly tense up and are about to either defend her ("Leave her alone, she's going through a hard time."), or you are about to shoot back something like, "Well she calls a fraction less than your mother does!" So what do you choose to do? Which is the better option? Actually, neither one of them will help diffuse the situation. Instead it will only escalate the tension. It would be good if you can build a ventilation system into your marriage by responding something like, "Well, if you were beaten up by a tomato when you were a kid, you'd have a hard time buying them too!" Basically, we want to see you be able to step back from the situation and say or do something to lighten the mood. Then address your spouse's concern. "We don't have to answer every time she calls." Or, "Would you like me to ask her not to call during this time?"

It goes without saying that every couple is different. For some couples, an inside joke makes a great repair attempt. And for others, a wink may be the perfect diffuser. So, when you are feeling the heat, try to do something that brings the emotional level down. Make sure that your spouse is ok with whatever you use for repairs. My husband and I were once lecturing to married couples about repair attempts and how to have a fun fight. Immediately after our program, one husband came up to us and said, "I am so good at repair attempts. I have the funniest line for when my wife starts up. I say, 'Check it before you wreck it.' But it never works the way you claim it should and it actually makes her even madder!" Hmmm… let's call the wife over. Turns out she thought that humorous line was the absolute worst thing to say to her when she was hot under the collar. Sounds more like an offense than a repair. Moral of the story: if you are going to make a repair attempt, make sure that it will actually accomplish the goal. Make sure that what you do or say will amuse or calm your spouse. A good way to figure out if you have the right method is simply by asking your spouse in a non-conflict situation. "Do you get annoyed when I ask you to rephrase things when we start to argue?" If the two of you are on the same page, your repair attempt can be akin to a secret agent giving a code to another secret agent. The code itself differs from couple to couple, but if you cracked the code, you would find that they all have a shared meaning: "We are committed to each other and will try to control our emotions and reactions to keep our marriage strong. Now let's take things down a notch before they get out of control."

One more thing on repair attempts-if your spouse is the one who is attempting to repair, make sure that you accept it. There are many people who think that a repair attempt is really just a way to detour away from the issue that they are talking about. So when their spouse is ready to lighten things from a fight into a discussion, it just gets the person irritated that his/her spouse is not taking things seriously. Blocking the repair attempt is pretty dangerous though. Here's the secret to finishing the play: Once a spouse pitches the repair, the other spouse has to catch it. A chuckle, a smirk, or even a calm deep breath is enough to accept the repair.

If a couple has trouble with these repair attempts, their discussions can become high-octane arguments before they know what hits them.A cute little attempt at repair is not going to bring them back. Here is where bucking the old wives' advice comes into the forefront. Instead of sticking around to resolve things, it's time for a time out. Take a break from the conflict so that each partner can physiologically calm down. If it means going to bed angry, that's fine as long as you are committed to respectfully working things through tomorrow. If you stay up till 3am duking it out, you are more likely to hit below the belt by saying things you would never say if you weren't so sleep deprived.

So go ahead, go to bed angry, angry as all heck. Then wake up to a stronger marriage.

Aviva Rizel is a Marriage and Family Therapist in private practice in Cedarhurst, NY. She lectures in the tri-state area on dating and relationships. Aviva can be reached at 347-292-8482 or [email protected].

Rabbi Yitzchak Shmuel Ackerman, LMHC

I did not have a tantrum yesterday but if I were younger I just might have.

It all began when I received an e-mail from my friends at the Flatbush Jewish Journal with a list of deadlines by which my columns had to be submitted. When I read it more carefully, I realized it was a single deadline by which two articles were due. There was nothing intrinsically unreasonable about that request. The tantrum I managed to avert would not have been directed at them; they had no way of knowing that my wife and I would be away for the next five days on vacation. It would not have been directed at anyone. It would have simply been an expression of frustration over a situation I was finding very difficult.

Some toddlers have tantrums pretty often. We expect children to have them much less often, and by the time they become teenagers we don't expect to see tantrums anymore at all. Adults seldom throw a tantrum in the usual sense of the word. They've learned that kicking, flailing, and screaming are unbecoming, maladaptive, and unproductive.

It would be nice to imagine that adults do not become frustrated with situations they find very difficult. It would also be evidence of a rich fantasy life. So what do adults who are very frustrated with a situation and who have outgrown having a tantrum do instead?

It varies. Some get drunk; that's unbecoming. Some look around for someone to blame; that's maladaptive. Some do as little as possible to get through the situation as quickly as possible; that's unproductive. Others marshal their inner resources and seek support and guidance from family and colleagues. They eschew assigning blame, and take responsibility. They adapt to the situation and produce more worthy results.

I did express my frustration to a colleague and she helped me adapt to the situation. I hope that you'll consider this article a worthy result.

I would consider this article a worthy result if it helped you think about your child's tantrum differently. Because when you think about your child's tantrum differently you will respond to it far more effectively.

What do you think to yourself when your child has a tantrum now?

First of all, I think that I didn't do anything so terrible to her. I don't deserve this behavior from her. Second of all, I can't stand it! How long am I supposed to let her scream and kick?

Mirel sounded really angry. Fortunately, I waited to hear if she had anything else to say. Her lower lip began to tremble. She continued to speak but now her voice was breaking.

She's three years old and she hates me. What did I do so wrong?

What you did, Mirel, is tell your daughter that it's bedtime. She can see that it's light outside and she'd like to continue to play with her siblings who aren't going to bed. The situation is hard for her and she's very frustrated. Is "hate" too strong a word? She probably does hate this situation, and she's not very good yet at the idea that "you don't shoot the messenger when you don't like the message." So first of all you're right, you don't deserve this behavior from her. That doesn't mean you're going to be able to explain that to her when she's three.

Second of all: when you can't stand it, and you can't make her stop it, where can you go until she's done?

What do you mean? I should just let her scream and kick? For how long?

Mirel what would you prefer to do?

I don't know what else to do. If I give in to her she'll stop screaming and kicking but then what did I teach her? That screaming and kicking is the way to get what she wants. If I scream back at her louder than she's screaming at me she'll probably get scared and she'll get quiet. But then I've taught her that if you scream loud enough you get what you want. What else can I do?

Mirel, what do you think will happen when you say to your daughter, while she is screaming and kicking, "when you're able to speak to me with your words please knock on my door, because I'm going into my room now,' and then go into your room and close the door behind you and find something else that will occupy your attention."

I don't know. How long do you expect me to ignore her?

I don't want you to ignore her. I want you to focus elsewhere. If you knew she'd be fine without you for an hour what else would you find for yourself to do? Think about it, make sure something is available for you to do in your room, and do it until she's ready to speak with you.

Mom did it. She was conscious of the fact that her daughter was continuing to scream right outside of her bedroom door. Rather than trying to ignore it, she continued to focus, to the best of her ability, on the magazines she had set aside in her room. When her daughter became quiet, and tapped gently on the door, Mirel noticed that 45 minutes had gone by. Mirel invited her daughter into the room, and they had a productive conversation about what she had been trying to express to her mother.

That was two months ago. Last week, Mirel informed me that her daughter still has tantrums. Very seldom, and much shorter than before.

If you're concerned that your child might hurt himself or someone else during a tantrum, do whatever you need to do to keep him safe while you focus elsewhere. Take off his shoes, hold him in your arms, put him into a safe environment, and then direct as much of your attention as you can onto something else.

When something seems like the end of the world to your child and he's intensely frustrated over it he's sometimes going to have a tantrum.

You will help him more effectively when you realize that his having a tantrum is not the end of the world.